Sister Hazel Concert

Sunday night I was fortunate enough to get front row center standing room at the free Sister Hazel concert. It was amazing, so much fun, and loud! Sister Hazel was extremely down to earth, and the lead singer smiled at me and also chuckled when I pointed at him while I sang his song along with him. I got a picture with him, he was very nice. This guy named John McLaughin, who is an up and coming guy with a lot of talent, charisma, and a great body, opened up for him. I would write more, but I have people to call and homework. Plus it is so nice outside, I don't want to be on the computer in my dorm. Here's the picture of me and Ken from Sister Hazel.

I Went on a Safari

Well, my orientation sort of deal, better know as "leadership safari" is over. I am actually kind of sad, because I ended up having a lot of fun. The first day or two, I was wondering what I was doing here, but it has worked out great so far. I had a great group of people to be involved with for the week. There was some great speakers, comedians, and even some slam poets that were awesome. I had never seen anything like that, we don't get that type of entertainment in Adrian. I don't think I coiuld be a slam poet, but it was so intense and beautiful. I loved it. I would like to right that style of poem sometime, just to see if I could do it. I couldn't get up there and perform it for a ton of people, though.

Sister Hazel is going to be here this Saurday, and I guess there is another comedian tomorrow night. It is cool to have so much to do, compared to having nothing to do. Today I went to the "SAC" to work out for my first time. It felt great. I need to make it a priority in the winter to work out, because it is amazing what it does for my mood, plus it is just a nice place to work out.

I felt like I was on the phone all day today, becayse I have been so busy I lost contact with people. It was so nice to talk to people from home. I had a great 40 minute phone conversation with April. It did not feel like that long at ALL. When I hung up, I knew we had a nice little chat so I figured it was like 20 minutes...when it said 40 minutes and some seconds, I was in shock. We had this motivational speaker who gave us all blow pops. The point was to give the Charms Blow Pop to someone in our life who makes our life better. The catch was, that it couldn't be like a family member or boyfriend. It had to be someone in our life who makes our life better, but has no obligation to us. He wanted us to tell them straight forward "My life is better, because you are in it." We talked about how hard this is, because in our society it is easier to disrespect someone or just give them a small compliment, than actually be real and make their day. Today, I told April about the speaker and his message, I told her my life was better because she was in it, and that I hope she wasn't offended that I am not mailing the blow pop. She got a kick out of the blow pop comment, and she was really appreciative about it. We then had a great discussion about how we should say those things to people, but for some reason we don't, and we explored some possible reasons for that. She also helped me feel better about not knowing what I want to do, and thinking I don't want to do Physical Therapy. I think I'm placing far too much stress on things that I need to relax.

I just dowloaded the SugarHill Gang song "Apache." That somehow turned into my Sea Turtle's group's theme song, because there is a little dance everyone does to it here that is hilarious. We were constantly dancing to that song, several times a day. I am excited to have it on my ipod now. I also recently purchased "Buttons" by the pussycat dolls, because that has been a big dance song.

I am nervous about starting my classes, but everything is going well so far. I can't believe I am finally at college. I dreaded it for so long, but I'm liking it now. I hope it continues to be a good time and a growing experience. I'm jsut happy that I finally had the change to blog again. It's been too long, since I had a real blog.

College

Well, after a year of anxiety I am at college. I have to come to the conclusion that so far, it's not that bad. I tend to be impatiend with making friends. So far, I have 0 real friends. It is hard to make real friends this early on when everyone is desperate for clicks and comfort zones that do not exist. Today we divided into our groups, which is cool. I had never met any of the people in my group, and we will now be like a family for the week. I have som cool people in my group, I think I might actually get to make some friends. It's not that I am anti-social. Making friends has never been a problem, but when there are so many people it is hard to see the same people. It is not as scary as I thought though. It is sometimes uncomfortable, but it is definately something I can do. It's not far fetched or some huge difficult thing. It just takes time. I probably shouldn't be blogging, but instead meeting people. We have a busy day tomorrow, and I'm tired so it is hard to go be all hyper while people play poker, which I never have found that fun. It's weird to be totally unknown. In high school people always had an idea of who I was, even if it was not exactly the case...they at least had a start. I want to right more about the chaos, stress, and sad goodbyes with friends I had, but I probably should get off the computer. The verdict is, that I am doing fine...despite missing everyone and dragging my feet to get here. It could be fun. I will see how this week goes.

I don't wanna...

I don't really want to blog. I wanted to wait until tomorrow, because I am sure I will have a lot to say after I meet with April. I am really excited to tell her about my trip. I briefly told her a few things over the phone, but so much has happened this summer. I am interested in hearing all of her thoughts. I can't believe I leave for school in a week from Saturday. I am really nervous, but I think it will happen so fast that I won't have time to think about it. Now I have to constantly remind myself to carry with me what I learned in S Dakota. In my previous experiences there, it seems like some high that lasts for a week and then vanishes just as quick as it came. This time I was able to see my role in the circle of life. It is so cool out there, because everything seems to make sense and happen for a reason. Then I get home, and I lose my vision of the circle. I hope that I continue to look at life in that way.

I am working a soccer camp this week. I am having fun with the kiddies and working with people I haven't seen all summer. Wow, I really should write so much more about everything. Maybe tomorrow will be a real blog entry, because right now I jsut don't wanna.

Flashback

I talked to lisa gay today, formerly known as ms. eddy. We had a long discussion about my future. She said that I need to do a lot more research on different careers that involve working with spirituality, ideas, and kids. She says that from what she has seen, I am most excited and most alive when I am talking about different ideas about spirituality, or things like volunteering, or my trips to S. Dakota, or my job at the migrant schools. She said I have a lot of thinking to do, but not to rush into Physical Therapy, just because I think it is a stable career. I think she is right, because I found an old notebook of mine today while I was packing. I found the poem that I just published on here in it. I also found a journal entry from the beginning of the summer, that I am going to include an excerpt of.

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"I've had this huge rush of confidence after working with kids more, even this early in the summer. I have received many compliments about my ability to talk to kids, and I have just been thinking 'Why am I not working with kids in my career?' Then reality hits me, and I think, 'What the hell would I do with kids, besides teaching, that I could make money at?' If I want to make a difference in kids lives, then why don't I just get a stable job and adopt a bunch or something? I don't know anything about what I really want to do. I just know that I want to make a difference. Mother Theresa and Dorothy Day didn't worry about having money for retirement, so why does that kind of thing stress me out? I promise that I am not comparing myself to them, but all I really need is air, food, water, and people. Money is just numbers that makes me forget about what is really important. Of course, I desire the stability that money provides, but it cannot make me happy. Plus all we ALL really fear is pain, whether it be physical or emotional. The fear of pain is worse than the actual pain, because I heard on my podcast that there are only three types of pain, which are all tolerable. There's moderate pain-which we can handle, constant pain-which we get used to, and extreme pain-which is short lived. I have all of this energy to 'save the world,' but I can't even find the energy to get up and take a shower in this moment. I guess it comes down to the fact that reality always wins...but when it does, do we automatically lose? I don't think we always have to."

I can remember the excitement I had when I wrote that entry, talking about kids, new ideas, and helping people. I am excited for my trip to S. Dakota. I leave tomorrow. I hope to be awakened again, because I have just been getting by and having a good time all summer. I haven't really been taking time to reflect like I should, and that is something that helps me appreciate life more. I need to get back to doing that, because otherwise I just feel numb.

It Once Was Potential

Give me a pen and paper.
I can change anything.
My potential to save, rests in the paper.
I think. I scribble. I write.
The Potential has vanished.
Now It's only words on paper.
It still tears.

Give me the tools.
I can fix anything.
My potential to save, rests in the tools.
I pound. I turn. I saw.
The potential has escaped.
Now it's only a bench that stood.
It's still standing.

Give me the sign.
I can believe anything.
My potential to save, rests in you.
I pray. I sing. I try.
The potential has disappeared.
Now it's only me.
I'm still broken.

Just Looking for Some Inspiration

I haven't blogged anything real for a while. I don't have anything in particular on my mind. I guess I will just go off on random tangents for the sake of blogging, not that I don't do that anyway. Thursday is my last day of work. I am going to miss it a lot, but the good news is I will get to sleep in and get paid for Friday. Tonight we had a staff dinner and it was really a great time. It is like nothing I have ever experienced, that is getting paid for doing something I enjoy.

I leave for South Dakota in a week. It doesn't seem possible that the trip should be that soon. When I come home from S Dakota, then April will be home from Boston too. I hope to get a couple of spiritual meetings in with her before I leave for school. That was our original plan, but we have kind of lost contact with first her cousin dying, then my grandma dying, then all of her class work on top of it...we have barely kep in touch. I have a lot of great discussion ideas and questions to explore so I hope we still have time to meet before I leave. Adam and I had some great spiritual discussion on Friday evening. I think it was one of our best ones yet. As for the rest of my spiritual life, I have not been going to church recently. I have been taking a break to just think. I needed to do something like that. I sometimes feel like everyone gets so caught up in labels of religion or lack there of, that sometimes I need to have moment where I ignore everything that normally comes to mind with my spiritual thoughts. I ignore all of the guilt, confusion, and any attempt at humility...in those moments I reevaluate things and I think they are benneficial for my spiritual growth...as self-centered as they may be. I think I need to just listen to my heart sometimes, not to sound cliche, and forget everything else. After I sort out things in my personal life, then I can get back to trying to have faith. I look at it, as if I am a mess...then I can't help anyone feel better either. I have to help myself before I can help anyone. I have just been working on my own happiness. I am doing okay at it too.

I have much more that I should blog about, but I am tired and I have no more desire to write. I guess, in this whole taking care of myself thing I am done.

Prayer

Prayer
by Elie Wiesel

I no longer ask you for either happiness or paradise; all I ask of You is to listen and let me be aware of Your listening.

I no longer ask You to resolve my questions, only to receive them and make them part of You.

I no longer ask You for either rest or wisdom, I only ask You not to close me to gratitude, be it of the most trivial kind, or to surprise and friendship. Love? Love is not Yours to give.

As for my enemies, I do not ask You to punish them or even to enlighten them; I only ask You not to lend them Your mask and Your powers. If You must relinquish one or the other, give them Your powers. But not Your countenance.

They are modest, my requests, and humble. I ask You what I might ask a stranger met by chance at twilight in a barren land.

I ask you, God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to enable me to pronounce these words without betraying the child that transmitted them to me: God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, enable me to forgive You and enable the child I once was to forgive me too.

I no longer ask You for the life of that child, nor even for his faith. I only beg You to listen to him and act in such a way that You and I can listen to him together.

Miss

I have done countless mock blog entries over the days, only to decide I didn't want to post any of them. Things have been crazy. Crazy in the sense, that my life seems to contradict itself daily. I couldn't think of a title, so all that was coming in to my head is the voice of the kids from my class that consistently call me "Miss" at all times. All day I hear "Miss" "but, Miss" and an occasional "Teacher" or "Maestra."

I have come to the conclusion that I plan to seek therapy when I get to college to work on my irrational panicking, guilt, and nervousness. They all seem to tie together, so I think with some work, I could fix things.

I watched the documentaries about the evil in religion with GrooveAdam. I was glad that I watched them, because I agree with most all of it. I did think that there was an arrogance about the narrators tone, and that he made too broad of generalizations about groups of religions. He did a great job of talking to a variety of religious leaders, but I still do not feel like he captured the positive aspects of faith accurately. That is understandable, considering his documentary was strictly on the negative aspects. I just feel that it is important to keep in mind, the fact that it is like any persuasive piece of art, it is the manipulation and rearrangement of facts to prove the creators point. It was well done and smart, but I just feel like I wasn't getting the full story. I also get that same type of feeling as I am reading my Jim Wallis book, "God's Politics." Jim Wallis is very smart and has some great facts, and I like the way he integrates faith and morality with politics. I also think he has that same type of necessary arrogance that Richard Dawkins has to persuade people. Faith is not something I can force people to understand or approve of, but I am still working on what works for me. I also think that there is a desire for spiritual connections in all human beings. That is why atheists desire affirmation from other atheists, that is why religions are formed, and that is why I have the desire to write and talk about faith with anyone and everyone, even when I feel like I have no faith. I think it comes down to being understood in the deepest sort of way possible. Religion offers different languages for people to be understood. I don't think it is a matter of if religion is right or wrong, but more of a way to express our deepest concerns while self-evaluating constantly. I think it is a way to stay humble. I agree that using religion to diminish others and rationalize poor political ideology is wrong. I also think that if atheism is the way that people feel they can best express their need for the deep connections and keep the peace, then it is just as noble as any faith. The trick about religion, atheism, or any other label is keeping compassion for the other group. Atheism is not "the only truth," as some may claim, just as Christianity, Islam, Judaism, or any other religions are not the only truth, despite what the fundamentalist claim. To be honest, I don't know how I feel about Religion. Some days I believe in God, and I like it. Other days, I don't believe in "THE God." Those days are okay too, because they force me to seek spiritual affirmation from people just the same. The only thing I do know, is that I like spirituality. I also think religion can be beautiful when treated with humility, compassion, and caution. I also know that religion can give a false sense of self-righteousness, so I guess it is probably a good thing that I have these spiritual contradictions, because it keeps me thinking and seeking spiritual connections on a daily basis. I think that is what spirituality is supposed to be...never being satisfied with your faults and always striving for moral perfection, but showing mercy to yourself when you really need it. I am working hard on this. It is much easier said than done.

A New Phase

I am caught in the middle of trying to remain in the old, comfortable phases that are slowly disposing of themselves, as well as trying to grow into the new phases that aren't quite here yet. It is a strange, strange place to be. Each day brings me a little bit closer to the new challenges awaiting me, and brings more closure on the old.

I am working full time now. After my short job experience last year, I did not have any confidence to seek work this summer. I had not planned on working, but the job offer came to me, and I could not turn it down. I am thankful for that, because not only did I need the money, but I needed the confidence that I am capable of working. I am working as a teacher's assistant at the Migrant schools. I love it so far! Don't get me wrong, every morning is a struggle to wake up and get there. I also look forward to coming home a great deal...but while I am there I love it. It feels so good to be making money, and not be miserable in the proccess. The kids are so lovable and cute! They have helped me decide that I plan to do my "Witness" for South Dakota on "How I see Jesus in kids." I am working with the Kindergarten kids, and I already love all of them. My favorite part of the day, is waking them up from their naps, because they sleep so soundly, and they whine, and make funny faces. Many of them end up getting up, only to fall back over and sleep again. It is adorable. Tomorrow, and most Fridays, we will be taking them to the community pool. It will be chaotic, but a great deal of fun.

Kristin and Dawn leave this Sunday at 7am...talk about weird. It is going to make me really sad when it hits me that they are gone, but I think it will also invigorate this new phase of my life. I am excited for them, because I know how excited they are. I also know that it will help us really appreciate our time together. I am just sad, because things won't be quite the same. I won't be able to just walk over to their house or randomly do things. Everything will have to be planned. I guess, plans aren't all bad, but it will be different.
April is now gone for the summer to Boston. What will I do without spiritual guidance? haha I think it could be a good thing she is leaving for a little bit, because I was beginning to depend on her spiritual affirmations. I need to own my faith a little more. I probably wouldn't be this relaxed about it, if I didn't know that she will be back in time to visit before I leave for Central (Aug. 19). I already have this strong urge to e-mail her and talk to her about some cool spiritual things I have read about/talked about the past few days...but I figure I should wait a week or at least a few days. With as many spiritual moodswings as I have, I should probably force myself to wait a week at all times...but I like capturing my many different, intense extremes. That is why I write about them...speaking of writing. I have been hardly writing at all. I have been reading some, but not nearly as much as I would like to. Right now I am reading the book "God's Politics," by Jim Wallis. He is also going to be speaking at the conference I am going to in September alongside my favorite, Anne Lammot. After talking to April about all of the details about the conference, I couldn't be more excited for it. It is going to be such a fun, spiritual weekend...that will be all about me. I am hoping to get that same type of spiritual feeling that I get in South Dakota, but in this case it will be about me, and not serving people. Serving people is a great way to get in touch with my spirituality, and I enjoy it a great deal. It just is very exhausting and sometimes heartbreaking. This conference, on the other hand- will be about encouraging my spiritual life, meeting my favorite author, hanging out in California with other spiritual people...I seriously can't wait!

I learned yesterday that my grandma entered the program to become a nun for 8 days. It amazes me that she was always so religious, so Catholic even. She said "when you take one step to God, he takes 9 to you." She claimed that she thought she was blessed throughout her life for her intentions to become a nun. She left on the eighth day, because her mom was going to have surgery and her dad did not want her in there. She also had some great thoughts on faith. I really admire my grandma's faith. She is a pretty cool Catholic. Sometimes she makes me feel like I could get confirmed Catholic. April makes me feel like that too. I guess, we will see what college brings and how my education and spiritual experiences make me feel. The thing that also made me consider confirmation, is my weekly podcast. They talked about how Religion, is really just a language for us to express our own spirituality. We don't understand all of the languages out there, but for some people some are easier than others. It isn't a matter of what language is best, but that we can express out souls with one. The rabbi that was on the program, also said that she suggests that people look hard into their religious roots. She said a lot of times that is where you will find comfort to express yourself, because it is familiar. It made me realize that being "Catholic" or any other religion, does not separate me from the many other spiritual people out there. I am really getting a lot out of some of the Buddhist philosophies that I am reading about. They really coexist with my beliefs very well. You can be Catholic, and follow Buddhist philosophies...I never knew that before.

Things are going well, overall. There are plenty of little things, but I guess there always is. I am thankful for how things are going. I am looking forward to spending practically this entire weekend with Kristin and Dawn before they go. I hope it does not prove to be dissapointing, because I want it to be a perfect end to our old high school days. It is sounding kind of unorganized at the moment, though.

A Quote that Moved Me

I have been talking with some incredible people about religion. I have been reading spiritual books about morality, and I have been listening to my NPR show "Speaking of Faith" weekly. Between those things I have been feeling this overwhelming sense of excitement that makes me feel as if I could do anything. At the same time, I wonder how much is really sticking with me. I need to just keep reflecting on spiritual ideas that move me. Here is a excerpt from an essay "Healed, Whole, and Holy" by the author Madeline L'Engle, I think it is something I admire very much.

"In the world of literature, Christianity is no longer respectable. When I am referred to in an article or a review as a 'practicing Christian' it is seldom meant as a compliment, at least not in the secular press. It is perfectly all right, according to literary critics, to be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Sufi, or a pre-Christian druid. It is not all right to be a Christian. And if we ask why, the answer is a sad one; Christians have given Christianity a bad name. They have let their lights flicker and grow dim. They have confused piosity with piety, smugness with joy. During the difficult period in which I was struggling through my 'cloud of unknowing' to return to the church and to Christ, the largest thing which deterred me was that I saw so little clear light coming from those Christians who sought to bring me back to the fold.

But I'm back, and grateful to be back, because, through God's loving grace, I did meet enough people who showed me that light of love which the darkness cannot extinguish. One of the things I learned on the road back is that I do not have to be right. I have to try to do what is right, but when it turns out, as happens with all of us, to be wrong, then I am free to accept that it was wrong, to say, 'I'm sorry,' and to try, if possible, to make reparation. But if I have to accept the fact that I am often unwise; that I am not always loving; that I make mistakes; that I am, in fact, human. And as Christians we are not meant to be less human than other people, but more human, just as Jesus of Nazareth was more human.

One time I was talking to Canon Tallis, who is my spiritual director as well as my friend, and I was deeply grieved about something, and I kept telling him how woefully I had failed someone I loved, failed totallly, otherwise that person couldn't have done the wrong that was so destructive. Finally he looked at me and said calmly, "Who are you to think you are better than our Lord? After all, he was singularly unsuccessful with a great many people."

That remark, made to me many years ago, has stood me in good stead, time and again. I have to try, but I do not have to succeed. Following Christ has nothing to do with success as the world sees success. It has to do with love."

Satisfied

I cannot believe that I am admitting that I am completely satisfied with everything in my life right now. Of course, there are a ton of things that I wish were different (I wish I could find my cell for one). I am just so proud of myself for understanding that life is good right now. Life is never perfect, it is easy to let the bad outweigh the good. I am happy to say that at this exact moment, I have accepted the bad and cherished the good...This past week anyway. I contribute the satisfaction to the search I have been conducting for faith. I have been reading "What Would Buddha Do?," I just started "God's Politics," and I am anxious to start "Storming Heaven's Gate." I also plan to reread some Anne Lamott when I get "Plan B" back from Kristin. I have also been told to check out some book called "The Barbarian Way." Spiritual books are absolutely amazing and interesting they all stress the importance of being content. I realize that I am RARELY content. It is human nature to always be wanting more, counting down the days until the weekend, worrying about everything I have to do. I am just thankful to be content in this exact moment. Will I be content 2 hours from now? Who knows.

Last week I had the best spiritual discussion with April. I hadn't seen her in ages, so I was worried how it would turn out or that I would talk too much. The conversation lasted well over 2 hours. I am so thankful to have someone take that much time out of their life to listen to my concerns about faith, spirituality, and morality. It is great, because she is such a neutral perspective. Every time we meet the conversation gets more real and honest. It is weird, because I have never had an authoritative church figure that I trusted. I was able to express my concerns about college, friends, faith, and just morality in general. She had some fantastic answers that have really encouraged me to rethink a lot of things. The biggest thing that I am reevaluating, is being honest with friends, family, and other church figures about my feelings. I am a very non-confrontational person, so I tend to keep a low profile when it comes to anything too personal. Spirituality is extremely personal for most people, because it involves your way of thinking about everything you do. There are many people that I do not trust with my belief system that are close friends, other religious figures, even some family. I have decided that I need to begin taking tiny steps to put more trust into people that are a big part of my life. It is worth being slightly vulnerable to be provided with growth. I would like to add that I only plan on making myself vulnerable to these individuals if I trust that they will honor that.

My open house was was yesterday and I am very thankful for how the day turned out. The weather was absolutely perfect. I could not have asked for better weather at all. I was also flattered by how many people took the time to show up. It really meant a lot. I felt so special to have so many people that came to see me and ask how I have been. My two best friends' open houses were on Saturday. I spent the weekend getting slapped in the face by the fact that we are really going our separate ways. I think I am okay with this, but I know that although I will still see them, things will never be the same...That makes me sad in a way. It is exciting at the same time.

Last week I worked a sort of "school" for kids around the age of 5. It was called "Safety City," and it taught kids the importance of safety. It was a lot of fun, because kids at that age are just hilarious. The thing that cracks me up is that they are usually being very serious when they are the funniest. This week I am working a soccer camp for elementary kids. I think there is even a few middle school kids in the older kids session. I have discovered from working all of these things with kids lately, that I really enjoy working with kids. Today Mr. Hanosh told me that he could see me "working with troubled kids." I took that as a big compliment, but it also put a new idea in my head. I wouldn't mind working with kids with problems. The thing is that I haven't done it enough to know if I like it. I am going to be doing the Big Brothers/Big Sisters summer program, which I believe has children with much more serious problems than I have ever worked with. With this being my first time doing the summer program, I am not sure what type of kid I might be getting. That will be a great test for me to see if I can really handle working with troubled kids.

I think I am going to go read, even though I have a ton of stuff to do. I am just trying to enjoy being content for a few moments.

I Live and I Learn

I am listening to this song I just discovered by the Cardigans called "I live and I learn." I discovered it, because it was on Grey's Anatomy. I am really enjoying it. I don't even know what type of genre it would be. I just like the lyrics a lot. I recommend it. Not that anyone will listen to it, but just so you can say you have heard of it. I also have been really enjoying this Jimmy Buffet and Martina McBride song "Trip Around the Sun." I don't know why I am insisting on telling my current taste in music. The thing is, both of these songs are not really new. I just have been enjoying them, because they fit my mood.

I had a really nice day. I am exhausted though, I am contemplating going to bed, but my friends wanted to hang out again really late tonight. They were going to call me after 11 (It is 11:30 right now). I am kind of thinking bed sounds more desirable right now. We had marching practice for graduation this morning. It is starting to hit me that school is over. We did our class awards, and I was so thankful to receive as many as I did. I almost feel arrogant if I enclose the ones that I won, because most of them were a total surprise. I received four, and some people did not receive any...That made me kind of sad. I received Best Friend, Best Personality, Most Polite, and Class Angel. I feel guilty that I received class angel, because there are so many other girls in our class who are these quiet, sweet, perfect, religious girls. I am definitely not an angel. I was like "wow, my class does not know me very well." It was VERY flattering though. I seriously can't believe people feel I deserved all of those awards. It is totally mind boggling to me. I was just hoping to get most polite, because several people told me they put me down for that. I didn't even consider the other ones.

We had a soccer game today. I feel that I played one of my better games. I almost scored in the beginning of the game. I told Mr. Hanosh I was bitter that I didn't. He told me to do it again. I agreed, not believing I could actually get a goal, but I did! It was a perfect pass from Kristin, so I cannot take all of the credit. I was just so excited to have been so confident for once and been able to follow through. Last year I would never have felt any confidence, let alone actually scored. It is amazing how confidence and happiness is influencing my game. I truly love the game again. I had lost that for a while. I think I have improved at just shaking off the bad stuff, where I used to dwell on it. I have realized it is just a game, and in return it has become something that I love doing. I know I am going to miss it so much.

I had to rush from the game in Bedford to Siena Heights for our Honors Night. I received a scholarship that I did not know about and was confirmed a salutatorian. I hope this means I get that extra scholarship from Central now. My mom's mother came along with my dad's mother and brother. My surrogate grandparents (Bob and Elaine) came as well. I felt so good to have such a wonderful support system there with me. Afterwards we went for dinner/dessert at Applebees. It was a nice relaxing dinner and the perfect way to end my good day.

Things have been really getting better for me. I just feel like after going through a rough period, that things are starting to clear up for me. It almost seems to good to be true, and I kind of worry what is in store for me. I just need to take it one day at a time and be thankful for this pleasant break from reality. It is a great way to wrap up high school. It is making me realize that I might miss everything though. At the same time, I am beginning to feel the excitement my friends are all feeling about us splitting up to meet new people. It is scary. I might be calling them a few lonely nights, but at the same time we will all be expanding outside of this comfort zone. I think it will make it so that we have a lot more to offer to one another when we return, friendship-wise anyway.

So much else has been going on. I have been hanging out with my friends a lot to celebrate the end of school. I had a great last day of school on Tuesday. I have been playing a lot of soccer and procrastinating more than ever. Leslie's 18th birthday is tomorrow and we are going to Toledo with her older sister. It is a pretty big group of girls. I think it should be fun. I am also excited to sleep in with no alarm to wake up, for the first time in a while tomorrow.

Two Days

I am done with high school for good in two days. I have been asking myself the question "Do I feel older?" The answer is yes. It is weird, because it never ceases to amaze me how things change in just one year. Each year slips by faster; it even gets to the point where they seem to have passed by me before I could think about it. For going by so fast, each year holds such huge changes. The funny thing is, that the changes never seem that big. It always happens slowly. I take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time. I guess that means that life changes with every breath we take. I come to the conclusion that I have matured, only to understand my immaturity even more.

It makes me smile at how my view on maturity has changed such a great deal. Ever since developing a friendship with the women in the nursing home, I have realized no one ever fully reaches maturity. Lenora is 81, and Velma was 96 when she passed away. She would have just turned 97 this month, now that I think about it. Each day provides a new obstacle, lesson, or realization. Life is a great journey. We keep traveling on this journey searching for something that can't be found, at least not in this life. I admire the people who can accept that and be at complete peace with it.

My grandparents are two people who I know are at peace with their life. The thing is, I think they are underappreciated. They do not expect anything and are at total peace with everything. My grandpa is going to try to make my awards night this Thursday. He has a hard time sitting through things because of his health problems, but he is determined to make it to this. I think he is so determined to make it because, he is worried about all of his current health problems and how he will recover. He has smoked my whole life, and most of his. He has never been able to quit. He has never been one to worry about his health too much. My grandma always has to yell at him like a child for not eating properly with his diabetes. I hope that he is not giving up, and I do not want him to think he has to come to my awards if he is sick. I will come visit him anyway. Sometimes I wish I could get confirmed for my grandparents before they are gone. I know it would mean so much to them, but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I can't just force my faith. I know they do not expect me to do it for them, and they told me to take my time until I am ready.

It is weird that I can say this, but I am an adult. I am practically done with high school. I will be going to colllege in mere months. Life burns sometimes, but it never fails to surprise me from time to time. A few years ago, I could not imagine the person I would be when I could make those statements. Here I am: the same person that I have always been, but much more complex than back then. I just keep getting more and more puzzle pieces thrown into the box that holds my puzzling life.

Big Surprise: I am Writing About Faith AGAIN

I want to start with a few of my favorite quotes from Anne Lamott's book "Traveling Mercies." The last quote is not hers, but she includes it in her book. I read the book a while ago and I read another book by her called Plan B. I wish I would have been smart enough to write down quotes that moved me from her Plan B book, because she is such a humble and honest woman of faith. I could learn so much about myself by expanding my thoughts on more of her quotes. I don't know why I waited until now to reflect on these quotes in writing. It is probably, because I have not had time to really reflect on faith like I should be.

"My coming to faith did not start with a leap but rather a series of staggers from what seemed like one safe place to another. Like lily pads, round and green, these places summoned and then held me up while I grew. Each prepared me for the next leaf on which I would land, and in this way I moved across the swamp of doubt and fear."

"The truth is that your spirits don't rise until you get way down. Maybe it's because this-the mud, the bottom- is where it all rises from. Maybe without it, whatever rises would fly off or evaporate before you could even be with it for a moment."

"Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue."

I just feel such a sense of peace when I read those quotes. The one thing I learned from April is that we all need people to make us feel like we are okay as we are, on our journies of faith. I feel like my spiritual trip is surrounded by fronts that people have. I don't think these fronts they have are intentional. I doubt they are even aware of the fact that it is a front, but I am just searching for something that feels real. Anne Lamott and April are two Christian people I have found that make me feel a real sense of faith. I know that there are plenty of great Christians out there. I just have unintentionally isolated myself from faith for too long to have picked up on them.

The second quote I included is exactly what I have been trying to write about. I wanted to creatively display that idea in my multi-genre project about faith. I wanted to show how I fight so hard for faith until I give up completely. It seems like when I hit that much despair that I have to give up on faith, then it just comes easy for me when I am not expecting it. You would think that I would catch on that things always get better right after I truly believe that they will never improve...I just never catch on though, and it always surprises me. I love that. It just makes me happy beyond belief when I can see the signs of faith thrown at me. It always happens in the most surprising and unexpected ways. I can think of a recent situation where I was at church feeling hopeless and this lady behind me that I did not even know gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek during the "peace time." She was wearing a sort of dressy poncho and she was really getting into the Bob Marley song, "Pass it On" when we were singing it. She reminded me of a hippie-sh sort of woman. It was amazing how that lifted my spirits. I have a million little stories like that, as I am sure everyone does. It just makes me realize how God truly is the glue for broken souls. Which, then ties into the third quote.

On a funnier, but appropriate note, I had a dream a week or two ago that I was throwing a temper tantrum and screaming "I don't believe in God," and then Jesus appeared to me in my Scooby Doo fruit snacks. I am being completely truthful that I dreamed that exactly like that. It was the weirdest thing.

Faith is so weird. It is one of the biggest daily challenges I face. I remember Anne Lamott made some quote about how faith is a constant battle and you have to find it everyday in her book, Plan B. She said she wakes up some days and is like "Do I really believe in God?" April also told me that everyone has those doubts. She is a youth minister and she said some days she wonders if she is teaching a joke. That is the beauty of faith, you just have to believe. Some days you don't, but you have to keep trying and pray that you will believe more days than you do not believe, and that you can be brave enough to recognize your human flaws of doubt and disbelief. It is hard; I am fighting like hell...but on the days when my search for belief is successful, then those are my most joyous beautiful days. Why would I not want to keep fighting for that?

You Can Find Me in the Club

I went clubbing for the first time, last night. It was fun, although I was a little thrown off by all of the weird old guys hitting on me and my girlfriends...It was gay night. I thought I wouldn't have to worry about that. I had fun, but am exhuasted today. I think I finally figured out how to put pictures on here, so here is one from last night and one that I like from my myspace page. The one from last night is not the most flattering of me, because I was cracking up when the picture was taken...I think it shows what a fun time I was having, and Adam looks cute. I leave for Phoenix late tomorrow night! I can't wait to soak up some sun!


I like the picture above. My friend, Kristin, had just gotten a new digital camera, so my friends and I had fun walking around and taking fun pictures one day.

I Got Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

It is another cold, cloudy day. I do not feel good again, but I am trying to take all of these vitamins and stuff so I do not get sick. My mom booked a vacation to Phoenix for my sister, herself, and me. I am so excited to get out of town and soak up some sun. I think it will be a very relaxing trip, because we do not have any official plans. The only official plan is sitting by the pool. I am thinking that may help all of my sinus problems.

Soccer is in full swing. We had a scrimmage on Wednesday and a game on Friday. We lost both by a significant amount, but I have to give the team credit that everyone is working hard this year. It is going to be a rough season, because the majority of our team is new. We play against teams with a lot of experience. I just want to have a memorable and fun last season.

I do not think I will be attending U-M like I originally had planned. I have been informed that Kinesiology is a part of their pre-med program and the average ACT score is a 28...not quite what I got ha. I also figured even if I am accepted, do I really think I can do a pre-med program at U-M? The answer is of course, no. I am debating between Central and State. I even contemplate Siena sometimes, but I do think I should get out of town.

Last night I went to see my sister in her school play. It was cute, and it reminded me of my middle school days. It is funny, because in middle school I thought I was so mature. I look back now, and realize middle school kids are just that, kids. I am sure I will say that about my high school experiences too. It is funny how time changes everything. This soccer season is a constant reminder of how things change. Half of the girls that I played with since I was in sixth grade are gone. I will never play with them again. It's weird. Plus, Kali now has a kid, I am getting ready to go to college. On Lisa Loeb's show she mentioned how you just have to go with the decisions you make. No one knows where their decisions will take them, but they all add up to be your life...so I guess you should enjoy it.

I should work on more scholarships. It is all overwhelming, but in just one week I will be in sunny Phoenix!!!! Thank God for that! I just have to get through this week. OH and on Friday my friend Sarah and I are going clubbing at the Necto with Adam for our first clubbing experience. I hope we have fun, I think we will, but I don't know what to expect. Should be a nice week.

A Preview of Spring

he weather has made my whole week. It was not nice at the beginning, but then it got incredibly beautiful. My friend, Kristin, gave me her Rollerblades. I have been using them almost daily. Today I roller bladed for like an hour, and then went for a bike ride. My legs are a little bit sore, and by butt, well don't get me started on how sore that is.

Everything was better health wise, but then last night I developed a sore throat and a lot of congestion. My lungs burn as well. I am thinking it has to be allergies, because if all of the tests came back negative and I am still sick, then what else could it be? I did get better for like 2-3 weeks though. I am thankful for that!

Yesterday, my family traveled to Toledo to visit my cousin in the hospital who just had a baby boy on Friday. It was so weird, because it honestly seems like yesterday that we were both in Cancun together...with our hair braided, braces flashing, and new bellybutton piercings that we had gotten done together on the first night we were there. Now we are both grown and she has a kid now. It was so amazing to be holding her kid. His name is Jayden Cole and he was less than 24 hours old when I first held him. He was so light. I got to thinking as I held him "He is lighter than one of the dumbbells I use. It is truly an amazing process. It was another example of how things change so quickly and so drastically. No matter what happens, you can't go back. I just keep on keepin' on.

Friday night also was an experience that made me realize how much life is changing and how far I have come. Two of my close friends from soccer came over, along with Kristin and Cristina who I still play soccer with. We got in the hot tub and gossiped about boys and soccer, just like old times. It made me realize how much I missed them and how different it will be this year without them. We all had such a good time laughing and talking it was like things hadn't changed at all, but when they left at nearly 2 am, I realized how we wouldn't all be together again until summer. Then in the summer we will have to accommodate everyones work schedule, and then all of their friends from their grade will be home from school. I just don't think things will ever be the same. Kristin and Cristina stayed until after 3am. We were talking about how in one year we would all be at different schools. It makes me sad to think about how much things will change, but it is very exciting at the same time.

My spiritual growth was going so well, and once again, I feel stunted. I feel like I have to fight myself daily to be spiritual. Sometimes, I just don't feel like fighting. The group I go to S. Dakota with, has pretty much fallen apart and that discourages me. I should have gone to visit my lady in the nursing home, but Wednesday I don't have school, so I will make it a priority to stop by then. I did warn her that soccer was starting and I would not be able to come by much. She was very understanding about it. Maybe I will take her a flower or something to make up for it, because I feel badly and I miss her.

I still haven't heard back from U-M. I am beginning to lose hope. I have so many people who have been hearing back that they got in. I am beginning to think that if I haven't heard anything yet, maybe that means I won't be accepted. They said to allow until the beginning of April, so I guess there is still time. I really need to start blogging regularly again. I feel like there is so much to say, but not enough time. I will try to do better.

Where Have I Been?

Today in second hour, Caitlin and I were talking about how we hadn't blogged since February. I thought it might be, because bloggers seem to feed of each other. I hadn't been giving or receiving comments, and I felt very distant from everything. I had no desire to write about my experiences. Then I got to thinking "I really should blog" about ANYTHING. Then on myspace Rhiannon left me a message saying she still reads my blogs...that gave me the fire I needed to fight of the apathy I have been feeling when it comes to writing and keeping in touch with myself. I understand that when I do not take care of myself emotionally, that everything else in my life seems to pass me by. The last several weeks have not been dull. I just didn't want to write about them. In return for me forgetting to keep in touch with myself, I lost/forgot everything. I would have forgotten my head had it not been attached.

I know it is important to take care of myself spiritually and emotionally, but I seem to put those last compared to everything else. So I had my 18th birthday last week, and that was actually very fun. My friend gave me her old roller blades that she knew I wanted. I have been using them whenever possible. I love listening to my ipod and just skating carelessly. It feels so good. It helps my mood and it helps keep my mind from exploding.

I am working on practicing being more present in the moment. It deals with some meditation techniques, but I can't call it meditation, because I get too frustrated and expect too many results. I think if I clean my room and my notebook, then my life will feel a littl more in control. It has been spinning around out of control for the past few weeks, and I do not like it at all.

I did realize today that I have three weeks untill Spring Break. On Spring Break I plan to get organized and relax. I also realized that I have no school next Wednesday. All of this made me realize I can totally make it to Spring Break. All of my friends seem to be going to warm place, but I don't mind (that much) that I am not. I just need a week to get my crap together.

I am having a hard time forcing myself to write about some of my experiences lately. I have been doing fine and having fun, but I feel like things keep changing more all of the time. I suppose it is only going to get more dramatic as graduation approaches. Captains Week is this week for soccer. Kristin, Cristina, and I are responsible for planning the week's agenda. Next week soccer officially starts and we have a scrimmage on March 21. This final season is going to fly by. I hope that I just enjoy it and have fun. Soccer has always been a huge part of my life and it has been more than a game for me. This year I want it to be just a game again. I want to have fun and not be hard on myself. That is far easier to say then do. I know that I will not appreciate every game like I should, but by being aware of this problem...hopefully I will appreciate it to some extent.

Everything has been overwhelming, but overall going well. Adam is home from Paris and London. I was excited to see him again, but not excited to see the stitches on his poor face(but it makes a great story.) He bought me a necklace for my birthday from Harods. I received several compliments on it today. I suppose I should stop complaining about being unorganized and go do something to help the situation. I will try to blog a little more regularly.

Overwhelmed

After a five day weekend, which was lovely, I have come to the realization that I have a ton of things I have left for myself to do today. Now I am feeling overwhelmed. I am in the process of doing laundry and I was cleaning off the dresser in my room, because I lost a card with a $50 check in it. I have been frantically searching for it off and on for at least a week. I am beginning to think that it is not going to show up. I need to do scholarships, begin my paper for lit comp, and laundry up to my neck. I also had wanted to go to lunch with my grandma and spend a couple hours at the nursing home. I don't know how this is all going to work out.

Friday I had another cat scan. This time of just my sinuses. I am getting anxious to know the results of that, but I have no idea when I will know what is wrong. They told me if the problem is my sinuses, that it will be an easy fix. If it is not, then there will be more tests and it will get a little more tricky. I hope it is just sinus blockage or something along that line.

I am feeling overwhelmed with my college decision. I don't know what I want anymore and U-M still has not made a decision on me. I don't seem to know what is best for me anymore. I guess, it's just a hope for the best sort of thing. I am working on being more independent. I think college will help me be more idependent. I need to do tons of scholarships none the less.

My birthday is coming up, and I am so busy that weekend with Student Senate, because it is winterfest. I am trying to make plans the weekend before and after, but I am feeling stressed with all of these miscellaneous plans for the next 3-4 weeks. After those weeks are over, soccer will be starting. I am so not ready for soccer to start with all of my breathing problems and all of that. I don't know what I'm going to do. I am going to be terrible. Speaking of breathing problems, last night I went to this blues bar/restaurant to see a band. By the end of the night, my lungs were on fire and I was coughing up a storm. I have never been that bothered by smoke. It has to be all of my new, weird, health problems.

Well, I should get back to stressing and trying to accomplish things.