All My Life's a Circle

Tonight I gathered in a circle with a few people from the South Dakota trips to reminisce and reflect on our intense experiences. A group usually goes to the reservation every summer, but this summer the trip fell through. It's heartbreaking for so many people. It's crazy how many lives are affected by these trips. Tonight I was reminded how intense the energy and connection is between all of us. We are still very much connected to the people on the reservation. Many of them are just as sad as we are that we cannot make it out. The energy fades when I don't see the group for extended periods of times, my life challenges me, or I feel down. I discovered that this is a defense mechanism, because the spiritual energy from my experience last summer with the kids is too much to carry around alone. Other people don't want to hear about it 24/7, and it's an experience that words will never do justice; that gets frustrating. The energy fades, and I think it was some fluke that I will never understand. Then I get back together with the group, and we feed off of what little energy is left in each other, and when I leave I'm high off of the experience again--unable to sleep and experiencing life with a new, temporary lens.

We agreed that there has to be a reason this energy is so slow to die. We have seen real, positive change in lives here and on the reservation. It's hard to keep going, because we are all so wrapped up in our own lives, but it's even harder to just let it die.

Last year, after our life-changing week with the kids from the reservation here in Michigan, "Let it Be" was one of our mantras and a song we associate with the week. I was moved when the song came on the radio as I drove away from Jon's house tonight. I sang loudly and let the music take me away, because when the kids were here, there were many night drives from Jon's to my house alone. It's not a very long drive, but long enough to process the amazing experiences before going home to bed. It was a wonderful flashback to be able to have a few moments alone with just me and the radio after a spiritual experience.

We talked about how our lives have changed over the year, and what is the same, because we view life as a circle. We have always sung Harry Chapin's "All My Life's a Circle" when we are together. We even have silly dance moves, that freaked me out and made me want to run away when I was 16 (dancing during prayer times is so NOT cool). Now, I have grown to love the silliness we feel while enjoying the connection and wisdom the song sparks.

I start work bright and early tomorrow. I guess, that means I have to start functioning on a normal schedule. I took a two-hour nap today. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't find any reason to make myself wake up. I'll feel the sudden change of sleep schedule hard tomorrow. Until then, I will try to relax and be okay with my inability to fall asleep. Maybe I will read or write a bit.

Goodbyes

I said goodbye to April and Evan today. It was unreal, because it's hard to imagine them being on the other side of the country. I was telling April that, even though I'll still see them at holidays, the fact that they are three time zones away is the worst part. Time zones separate people emotionally-- in addition to the physical separation created from distance. I reflected on this same idea when I was at the O'Hare airport in Chicago on the way to Las Vegas for Spring Break. We landed on a Saturday evening, and I thought about how I was in the same city as Adam (the atheist--not the priest). It's funny, because Chicago is not that far away. If he lived in Traverse City, I wouldn't think much of the distance, but all I could think about was how it was nice to be in the same time zone as my brother. I just take for granted the idea that I am in the same time zone and connected by similar everyday events to the people I love. Most of us all eat lunch or dinner within a few hours of each other. We usually have several hours of sleep at night that overlap. One hour is not that big of a difference, but I still notice it when it comes to chatting to Adam online or calling. We're certainly on different schedules. It will be really tough having April and Evan three time zones away. It will make calling a pain in the ass, but we've always e-mailed pretty regularly. 

It's funny, because saying goodbye to them forced me think about how our relationship has evolved since I first met April on my way to South Dakota when I was 16.  I went to breakfast with Jon recently; I mentioned that I was still close with April and Evan. He said it brought a tear to his eye, which is funny, because it's a classic Jon moment, but it was nice that he recognized the sacredness in the growth I've experienced in the past few years.

I can't stop thinking about how many people I've had dramatic goodbyes with in the past year or two. It seems like I say a lot more goodbyes; it's the long ones that kill. I hate when I don't know if or when I will see the person. Saying goodbye to my writing professor was hard for that reason, because I knew I could learn so much more from her, but I might not see her again. It made me think of saying goodbye to my favorite English professor from the year before. I still e-mail her from time to time, but I didn't expect to see her again when I said goodbye. I wonder if I ever will. Kristin is going to Spain for the ENTIRE year next year. Saying goodbye to her will be heartbreaking, I'm sure. April's sister, Val, is also moving out-of-state, so I am preparing to go to coffee with her in the next couple weeks to say a final goodbye. Even saying goodbye to Adam before he goes back to Chicago,  saying goodbye to my family before I go back to school, or saying goodbye to my friends at school before I come home for the summer is emotionally draining. I am fortunate, because I keep meeting wonderful people, but the more people I meet, the more goodbyes that brings. 

I'm always especially awkward when I say long goodbyes. I ruin the moment by being silly or stupid, because it keeps me from being sad until the person actually leaves and allows me to laugh a little longer with them. I should work on my goodbye behavior. How does one practice that? I seem to do it a lot these days, so I should get smoother at it, but sometimes I feel like my inappropriate and awkward behavior in sad situations helps ease the intensity of the sadness. It does for me, at least.