Care*Less

Sometimes the people closest to me do not even value what I care about most. It can be really hard to be so deeply effected by things that other people do not even understand. It makes me wonder, what are my friends deeply effected by? Sometimes I wonder if they are really even spiritually effected by anything. It seems like all of the things that have helped me grow up the most are secrets or meaningless to my friends and sometimes family. I have grown so much from my trips to S.Dakota, the nursing home, and already my trips to visit my little sister through the big bro/big sis program. I barely talk to my friends or family about any of that. The stories I do tell them do not seem to affect them at all. I guess it is foolish of me to expect them to be impacted by my experiences like I have, but I feel like how could my friends possibly know me when they do not know the things that move me the most. On the same thought, what are they not telling me, because they fear my carelessness? Have they told me significant things that I have discredited?

Today at the nursing home I talked to the one lady for over 2 hours. Normally I split the two hours between two ladies, sometimes I stay 3 hours, but I talke to just one for 2 hours and 15 minutes. I couldn't believe it. I was touched by this woman's determination to communicate with the woman in the bed next to her. This woman next to her has had a severe stroke. She is not supposed to be able to understand or communicate with anyone. The woman I visit is determined that this woman can understand her. The nurses and even the stroke victim's daughter does not believe her. Today I witnessed her attempt to talk to her and the stroke victim would cough everytime she was spoken to or asked a question. Her eyes seemed very alert and she was attempting to mover her mouth. It kind of scared me, because the doctors insist she is not supposed to be able to communicate, but I swear it seemed like she was responding to this woman. The lady I visit insists it's a miracle and that God is with her. I do not know how I feel about that, but it felt special none the less. I do not even know that she was for sure understanding us, but it sure seemed like she was responding to us.

Tonight I carved a pumkin with my little sister and my Dad. It was rather fun. It was nice, because I was a little disgusted when I arrived home at only 4:15, and the family had already eaten and was all in seperate rooms. I was thinking "so much for family time" and I was only gone for at most 3 hours and it was only a little after four. I realize everyone is busy, but I was just shocked that I was forgotten during the short time I was volunteering.

I had a really fun time at my last cross country meet on Saturday. I am sad that it is all over. At least I have the souper run next week. We are still having optional practices, so I guess it is not all over. Oh and speaking of sad changes, I was informed how terrible my schedule is going to be next semester. They are trying to tell me I should change my second hour. That is my independent study class for writing. I really do not want to drop it, because not only is it my favorite class, but I like having an excuse to write all the time. I feel like I have matured a lot from writing so much. I hope everything works out. I am off to write a story for Lit Comp and call Brandon. I am not desperate I swear, he told me to call.

I should be doing homework... (it's easy to see my brother and I are related)

"Good is good and bad is bad, but you don't know which one you had." I had no intention of writing that, but I am listening to that Sheryl Crow song and that line kind of sums up what I am feeling. Everything is good, but sometimes I get in these moods where everything feels so crappy. Today was one of those days. It was just one of those crazy random days where everything feels terrible, and I wonder what is the point in trying. All day at school I just wanted to be in bed away from everyone. It really wasn't a God awful day, but it just seemed like all of the little things were going wrong. I have been feeling very frustrated

with my relationships with my friends. It is nothing personal to anyone, but I just feel like the relationships are taking too much effort. I think it is because we have all changed so much and are ready to all go our seperate ways, but at the same time feeling obliged to spend every second with eachother like we used to. It is like we all want to grow up, but not give up our childhood. Also when I said we have changed, I personally do not feel like I have changed, but I know I must have because I can see that all of my friends have, and they probably can't tell they have either. It is not necessarily bad changes, it is just different. That can be hard to get used to sometimes. I think we are all at different phases of our lives with different priorities. We try to jerk one another along on our dramatic changes, but the other person is too busy focusing on other things. It makes me sad, but I think it is really for the better. I say this, because I am not anxious to go to college at all. It terrifies me that I have to grow up so quickly. I have always been content with my family and my friends. I was in no hurry to rush off and find a totally new life on my own. Now, with all of the changes I think it will make college a healthier experiece for all of us. We will all be anxious to find people heading in our directions with our similiar priorities. I think it will be good for all of our relationships, because we will no longer feel the need to jerk the other ones into our phases. We will be able to do our own thing, yet still care about one another.

I was rejected to give blood today for my third time. It makes me sad, because I always get kind of anxious to give blood, but then when I get all ready to go something is always wrong. The first time I was sick. The second time I had low iron. The third time ( today) I was sick again. That kind of bummed me out also.

Today I went to a local elementary school for the Big Brother/ Big Sister program. I go there every Tuesday to spend time playing games and reading with a 7 year-old girl. She is very clingy and touchy-feely. She is a sweet girl, but she has no idea of how to behave sometimes. I met her little sister and saw them leave with their mother. I do not know why they were leaving school early, but just something about the whole situation made me get a bad feeling in my stomach. I felt sad about it.

After school went great. No complaints there. I was able to lie down a little and just listen to my music. It was really nice after such a day of feeling emotions of such weird, random things. I felt sad, guilty, angry, insuperior, and drained at all different times. I realize it most instances it wass no one's fault. It was just a weird day. It invoked some weird writing emotions though, maybe I will do some good independent study writing tonight... but I think I might just go to bed.

Jenny's Wedding

I remember you spiderweb bangs that were loaded with hairspray.

We loved those identical, teal dresses we wore with matching shoes.

I hated coffee, but we inhaled two cups together to keep us from getting tired.

You made me dump spoonfulls of sugar to cover up the bitterness.

We ran around the Jenny's reception maniacally,

dancing and spinning around to our favorite songs.

We laughed hysterically at Aunt Pat, the alcoholic's silly drunkenness.

I felt so left out watching you and my brother dance as a "couple."

I waited anxiously for the next fast song we could spin around to.

You were my best friend and cousin.

We would laugh together forever.

Now Jenny's been divorced and remarried since then.

Aunt Pat overdosed on Vikadin and Oxy Cotton.

We giggle nervously after all of the awkward silences.

I tell you I wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you,

but I have to let you go.

You giggle, "Thanks hun."

We sit in silence again. Waiting for eachother to speak.

I end the silence by telling you to "Take care."

We then hang up and end the 4 minutes and 13 seconds of hell we'd been living in.

Can I Scream Now?

I am having a hard time refraining from screaming at this exact moment. My stomach is all tight and I am forcing myself to take deep breaths. My visions is a little blurred from being at my mom's computer for hours. I worked all day on my application for
U-M. It is all ready to go. I fixed up my essays, filled in all of the information they require, and then I went to the application inspector. It kept telling me I had left address information blank. The application said if my permanent address was the same as my current address, then I did not have to fill that stuff out. It kept telling me I had incomplete stuff. I tried everything. I would fill what it said I was missing in, then it would come up with more address stuff missing, such as my foreign address. It was very frustrating. I finally broke down and typed in my same address for my Permanent, current, and foreign address. It then accepted everything. I then had my mom check my essays one last time. She found all of these errors. That really stressed me out, because I have had those looked at by other people. I guess the only good news is that tomorrow if I get my essays fixed up, I should be able to send in the U-M application. Now, my State essay has been ready to go. I had it corrected 3 times by ms. eddy. I turned it in for Lit Comp to have my other teacher look at it. He said he really liked it and wanted a copy, BUT he thought the one part didn't go with what I was saying. I made changes to that, but now I also have to have ms. eddy look over it for me tomorrow. It will be a busy day in IND STUDY and a busy day at home trying to send all of the applications in. It really makes me angry, because they were supposed to be ready to go TODAY. I think the fact that I have a cold and my head is congested is why I feel so cranky about all of this. It is just so frustrating because I have been working on these for weeks and everyone keeps telling me how important it all is. Yuck! That is all I have left to say about all of it.

I have been trying my best all weekend to recover from my cold by tomorrow. We have a blood drive on Tuesday and in order for me to give blood I have to be recovered for 24 hours. It wouldn't be that upsetting, except this wil lbe my third attempt to give blood. I was rejected the first 2 times. If I am rejected again I will be upset. The first time I had a cold so they would not allow me to give. The second time they told me my iron was low. I have been taking vitamins with iron so I would be able to give this time. If it turns out I can't because of this cold I will be sad.

I kind of layed low this weekend. I enjoyed that being sick and all. I just didn't feel like doing anything. I did run a cross country meet Saturday. It actually went pretty well for being sick and all. I felt good afterwards. Friday I watched "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants". I really liked it. I think it was cool because it was like 4 coming of age stories as 1. As you can tell from my project I am still working on, I really enjoy coming of age stories.

I feel like I still have a million things to do. I did not go to the nursing home today. I feel bad about that. I wish I could manage my time better, but I have a cold too. It probably wouldn't be good for me to go to the nursing home anyways. At least I have made a lot of progress on my college applications. They still aren't getting submitted. Wow, I need to get my act together.

Am I a Slacker?

I know that I am not a slacker. I must say that I have been feeling like one this week. This is my list of reasons: I haven't had much homework, we had no school Monday, I missed classes Tuesday to talk to English classes about donating blood for our school blood drive, I missed the afternoon Tuesday for an Independent Study Field trip, and I got out at 11:19 today for a cross country meet. I haven't had a full day all week. I feel kind of guilty, but I have loved every second of it. The thing is, it is not just this week. This entire year is going so much smoother than last year. I worry that college will be too much of a shock from this, because I am not stressed enough. I still have had about one stressful night a week, but that's compared to like seven last year. I have been keeping very busy though, so I do not feel like a total slacker. I guess it is a good change to be doing things I actually want to be doing instead of just things I should be. I am working on making my visits to the nursing home more regular. I also started doing Big Brother Big Sister this week. I met my "little sister" on Tuesday. She is funny. I like her, but she is very needy for attention. I have also been instructed to keep my hair in a ponytail for hygiene purposes I find kids so entertaining. I did some babysitting on Tuesday. It went pretty well, but the one kid had an accident and I always freak out on what to do with stuff like that. I can play with kids no problem, but responsibility makes me nervous.

I went to college night last night and a thing at Carter Rehab about Physical Therapy. I get really scared thinking about that far into the future. Everyone made it sound attainable. The lady from U-M remebered me. That kind of makes me feel good, because she meets so many kids.

For independent study I have been going over all of my writing from this first nine weeks. I am really surprised that I can actually see some growth in my writing. I honestly did not think that all of the stuff I do for that class was helping at all. I think my voice is getting stronger and I am getting more honest in my pieces as well. I am beginning to realize I really don't have anything to hide. It's my writing. I can write what I want. I am looking forward to where my writing will go in another nine weeks.
I am hoping to do some writing tonight before ER comes on. I also have a little bit of Lit Comp, but it is only a 30 minute time writing so I know if I don't get it done I can do it in IND STUDY tomorrow. It can't take longer than 30 minutes so that is a good thing. I will probably do it tonight since I don't have a whole lot to do. This weekend I am definately finishing my college Applications. I have saved Saturday for this. I have told everyone I am not doing anything Saturday. I need to stick to this too. I am hoping by telling everyone my plan, that I will stick to it! I am really close to being done. I just have touchups to make. Oh how I love college essays! Especially the ones that have been haunting me for months! It will be marvelous to have them over with!

My Awesome Saturday

Yesterday was a really nice day. I thought things were going to be bad, when my alarm clock was set wrong and I woke up at 5:20 am instead of 6:20 am and got ready for my meet. I was able to go back to sleep a little bit though. I had my cross country meet. I got my P.R. (Personal Record) by nearly 30 seconds. I was unusually excited about that for multiple reasons. One is that for the past two races I have been at least 30 seconds slower than my P.R., the other reason is that I was passed by a girl right before the finish line. I was so unbelievably dead I was going to let her pass me, because I felt like I had nothing left. Then I saw the clock and how close I was to the finish...then my competitivness took over. I sprinted as hard as I could and burned the girl with room to spare! It felt great mentally, but I thought I was going to puke physically. Those kind of races are always the worst physically, but feel the best emotionally. I was really excited to have improved by so much. I came in 56th place. I was kind of dissapointed because the top 50 medalled (There were well over 100 runners). That is the closest I have come to a medal, but at least I know it was my best performance.

After my meet, I went to the U-M Vs Penn State game with Brandon. It was so much fun. I had never been to a U-M game before. There were over 111,000 people. It was such a surreal feeling. I looked around and saw flocks of yellow shirts. It was very overwhelming, but fun. Plus it was an insane game. U-M coming back from losing in the LAST second! It was amazing. The stadium was so loud. I had fun doing all of the cheers the student section does.

After that we got stuck in traffic. I was sad, because I thought I was going to miss Seth Myers (The cute guys from Saturday Night Live). He was in Adrian for some reason performing last night. I ended up missing the performance, but I did get to swing by and get his autograph, a picture, and even talk with him a little. It was so much fun and he was such a cool guy!

Brandon and I then went to dinner and things went really well. We have a really great connection. I haven't decided what will come of our friendship, but I am enjoying his company. Today I went to watch my old soccer team. It was so weird to watch them play without being a part of it. I miss everyone a lot, but I realized I am happy doing everything I am doing now. I was missing how things used to be, but things are not like that on the team anymore. They are not nearly as close as say my freshman or sophomore year. I started to notice the change last year when I played. I have great memories from that team, but things change and I just have to deal with it. I am happy with my cross country team. I am so excited to be off shcool tomorrow. I really need to finish college essays, do homework, volunteer ( I skipped going today:-( ), and I have practice. I also am planning on going to lunch with Brandon. I am sure everyone is sick of hearing about how well things are going for me so I guess I am done blogging. Oh wait... I am sad I didn't see my brother much this weekend, but I guess he'll be home another weekend. I'm off to watch Desperate Housewives.

Lisa Loeb Concert

Last night was the Lisa Loeb concert that I had been waiting for. I was so excited about it. I was worried that it was going to be a let down, because I always get myself too excited for things and then they aren't as great as I expect. This was not like that at all. It was everything I expected and even better. I must say I like Lisa Loeb even more now that I have seen her live. It was just her and her guitar on stage. No loud drums or backup singers to distract me. It was all her. She was not only extremely talented and sounded the exact same as she does on her CD's, but she was hilarious in between songs. I bought a shirt and I was able to get it signed afterwards. I was really excited. She was so short. Sarah, Kristin, and I were obviously the youngest ones there. We were asked our age several times. They were embarrassed, but I told them to embrace it. Lisa Loeb was like "Oh are you guys all friends?" because the three of us took a picture with her. Then she said, "Oh you guys are cute." That was the extent of our conversation. I, of course told her how awesome she was, but I didn't want to hold up the line so that was all I said.

I was worried Sarah, Kristin, and I would get tired and cranky, but we all were super hyper and they both said they had a blast as well. After the show we met up with Kristin's brother John and my brother and his boyfriend. It was really fun. We didn't leave Ann Arbor until 12:15. Then the drive home and all was a blast. We were still really giddy and excited from the concert. I got home and went to bed at 1:30. I woke up at 6:30 and actually did okay getting through the day. I had to make some tea at lunch to take to 5th hour, but it all worked out. I don't have any homework except, IND Study tonight. I think I am going to try to go to bed at like 8, because I am exhausted.

Well, the rest of the week is going to be busy. I am not sure when I will get to post next, but I had to rave about my Lisa Loeb conert. It was the best concert I have been too. I am aware I have not been to that many concerts, but none the less, I would pay to see her again next time she comes close by. I am actually in the mood to write (I haven't felt like it in a while). Maybe tonight I will actually write something of quality instead of the crap I've been writing.

I Do

I do.
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans..
.---Re-post this if you believe in legalizing gay marriage.

"There's beauty in the breakdown"

I had a really nice weekend. I feel good about everything that happened. Friday was such a perfect day. I couldn't have asked for things to have gone any better. Everything went so smoothely. Even my hair appointment was on time and simple. The assembly went well. I was mentioned in four of my friends' "little questionaire" they would read as we walked out. I felt really honored. My friends all looked gorgeous. Brandon came home from school just to drive me in his convertible. I felt really special for him to do that. I saw my grandparents at Applebees with the entire court. I was able to go an talk to them while I was all dressed up. Adam came home, my grandma, uncle, and tons of family friends came. I felt really important and appreciated by everyone. Sometimes everyones lives get so busy I forget to appreciate all of the people that care about me. I got to see numerous people that graduated last year. It made me really sad to see how they were no longer in the student section and how sad they were to see that some of their friends didn't make it back. It made me realize next year at this time I won't get so see a lot of my friends. Some of my closest friends have already established they are not coming home for homecoming. It was very sad to see how much things are changing, but it was beautiful to see everyone spreading their wings and coming back to give me one last hug. I had such a nice time with my family and friends Friday night I stayed up until nearly 2 am. Then I had to wake up Saturday morning to run a cross country meet. I did better than I thought I would in the race, but I still did not run my best time. It was still a fun day. On the bus ride home I had heard one of my good friends had been crying. She was acting fine, but I thought I would make sure she was okay. She started to cry when I asked her what was wrong, so I told her she didn't have to tell me about it. We jsut talked about other stuff, but then all of the real problems came out and she totally broke down. I felt really bad, but I told her she had to stop keeping everything to herself. She never tells anyone what is really going on in her life and she acts so happy ALL of the time. I think she felt better. It was really a bonding experience and it was kind of a beatiful breakdown. It showed she was vulnerable and not as perfect as she tries to be. I think it really made me realize that everyone needs help from people. As much as I hate people in general sometimes, they really can be truly amazing. Our feelings are so amazingly intricate. It really is beautiful. Not to be cliche and mention the garden state song, but there really is "beauty in the breakdown".

Homecoming

This week is homecoming. I was really excited, but I am beginning to not be as excited. I think it is because everyone is taking it so seriously. I thought it was just supposed to be for fun. I guess, everyone's competitive side is coming out. It is making me sad though. I was just excited to get a day off to dress up with my friends and get free food, plus ride in a convertible...but now it seems like everyone is taking it seriously and getting upset with eachother. I am worried that it has gotten personal for everyone. I am also saddened by the fact that Adam can't make it home. I know it's not his fault, but it just doesn't seem fair. All of my friends were talking about their brothers coming home and they all are further away. They all asked me why my brother wasn't coming home. I told them he has a class and it went too late for us to go pick him up and he doesn't have a car. It's mostly true.

Tomorrow is a meet at Bedford. It's supposed to be really hot, just what I don't want for a meet...then Friday is supposed to be really cold, just what I don't want for the homecoming parade. If it doesn't rain I will be happy though.

Last night I got lost. Yes, pathetic in my small town, but it was very scary. I was at the fair grounds building our float. I offered this girl I do not know very well a ride. She lived in a place I was really not familiar with at all... somehow I ended up on a dirt rode in the middle of nowhere turns out it was by the prison. I was scared to death, because of course I did not have my cell phone. After multiple time of turning different ways, I was very shaken up and I miraculous ended up by my Uncle Dick's house. He is actually my great & half-uncle. (My grandma's half brother). He answered the door in his underwear and I felt terribly stupid asking to use his phone and trying to explain the situation. "You been crying?" was his exact quote when I told him I had been lost. I had not been crying I was just very shakin up is all. Plus I felt really sick. When I got home I thought I was going to vomit and my head was throbbing. I wasn't sure if it was what I ate for dinner, being so nervous, or really bad cramps. I found out today 3 other girls on the cross country team had similiar symptoms last night. I wonder what it was. I feel better now though.
I can't complain too much, I am just feeling kind of sad about how homecoming is turning out. Maybe it will surprise me and jsut bea really fun day. I am excited for the parade and lunch! Plus I can't wait to go jewelry shopping with my mom beforehand.