Thunder and Lightning

The storms here have been outrageous. I've been talking with my friends, Laura and Tom, about mental health a lot lately. It's strange, because when I was severely depressed I had no problem blogging about seeing a therapist, symptoms I was experiencing, or being on medication. Now that I have my act together enough to appear sane, I've stopped talking about, or admitting any problems with my mental health. It's so much easier not to talk about it now that it doesn't plague me every day, but not talking about it is what makes it harder for people who are isolated by mental health problems. It's unfair for me to pretend it's not something I struggle with. I've been reading a lot about depression for my anthology idea. It was upsetting to read essay after essay of people who have lived 30+ years with depression, saying that it never goes away entirely. The good news is, it is something one can manage. Most days I'm pretty proactive about my mental health, although there are times when I give up and let myself slip until I can barely function. It's like I just desire a reminder that I'm still me. Darkness was a part of my identity for so long that it feels comfortable. When I'm away from it too long I get anxious. That must sound sick to anyone who hasn't experienced something similar. 

I didn't realize I ran out of my prescription for Wellbutrin. Therefore I am off my medicine until I get time to go to the pharmacy. I'm not sure when that will be. It's hard with work. Adam talked about how he used to stop taking it in the summer. I stopped taking it earlier this summer for a week or so, but I felt lousy, so I started taking it again. It's weird, because it is really all in my head. I think I can go without it for a while; I couldn't earlier in the summer, because I hadn't had time to be alone with my thoughts since before exams. Plus, moving is always a big transition, especially moving home, because I think I know what to expect, but it's never the same. Things are a little more stable now.

Today one of my little kids grabbed my hand when we were walking down to snack at the end of the day. The storm was really loud. She said, "I'm scared." I assured her she would be safe in the school and on the bus. Then she said, "I don't like storms, but sometimes they're really pretty." It made me smile so big. I said, "I think they can be pretty, too!" Storms are dark and depressing, but the flashes of destructive light help me pause and appreciate life for a moment. I just try to breathe and appreciate the fact that I'm alive and okay, despite being surrounded by chaos. It's funny how thunder and lightning can make me feel the most intense flashes of peace sometimes. Lightning bolts of peace. I should put that in a poem sometime.