Identity & Maybies

I’ve been reflecting on life. I feel like I’m always waiting for it to get better instead of enjoying the moment. It's like when I have my ipod on shuffle. I keep skipping tracks to get to a "better" song, only to realize I passed far too many good songs along the way to get to a mediocre one.

I just watched “Leaving Las Vegas” and then “The Last Kiss,” both incredibly depressing movies. It made me think about how everyone talks about college being the best time in life, because there is so much possibility. I don’t think that’s it. I think they look back at college, because it’s a time where people are adult enough to live in reality but inexperienced enough to dream unrealistically. I think I will always dream big.

People have mid-life crises because they realize, “Wow, I’ve been waiting for something spectacular that’s never going to come.” “The Last Kiss” talked about how people are having their crises much earlier, which probably is just an identity crises. The character was saying that we are moving at such a faster pace that we have these panic-stricken realizations earlier in our lives. It reminded me how I jokingly left my friend a voicemail in the fall telling her I needed her help, because I was having a “quarter-life crisis.” I laughed about it, at the time, but it was just an identity crisis. I think I will have flashes of identity crises all throughout my schooling. My friend (the one I left the voicemail to) is several years older and she said she thinks that we are supposed to have them forever.

INDENTITY…

What does it even mean? We all have so many different slivers of ourselves that we expose. It doesn’t mean we are fake--because the slivers are all from the same board. We can’t fake the quality of the board. I’m thinking about that quote “Character is who you are when no one is watching.” I suppose, that’s true, but it makes it sound so easy. I don't even know who all of me is. I can think of a few rare individuals in my life who make me feel like they see all of me. That usually scares me. Sometimes I push them away, because I don’t like seeing myself reflected off of someone else. For example, I wrote an essay about my friend, Adam. He is comfortable enough with himself and outrageous enough to be able to inspire an honest essay. I didn’t have to make him look like a saint. He was flattered and didn’t mind seeing his flaws included with his attributes. He recently told me he wants to start writing again (he hasn’t written since high school). He said he wants to write an essay about me, because I’m so neurotic (in the lovable way—or so he says). I confessed that I don’t think I can handle seeing someone’s honest reflection of me. It scares me. 

Most of my thoughts are consumed by trying to find truth--especially truth in myself. It feels hopeless some days. Everyone says how I over-think things. It’s true. It’s a vicious downward spiral—I think about how awful it is that I over-think things, then I think about how I need to stop, but then I get frustrated when I can’t stop thinking, and I get mad that I’m over-thinking it all. Everyone says, “Try meditation.” I do. It helps, but I’m beginning to think I will always be a little crazier than the rest of the world. While that is bad on many different levels (poor health, anxiety, etc…), I think that’s why I connect with people easily. I am a compassionate person, because I’m always thinking about what different situations would feel like. I couldn't write if I wasn't compassionate, and writing is such a huge part of my identity. I wouldn't give up my wild mind if it meant giving up writing.

Maybe I should just stop feeling bad about the fact that I over-think things until I feel bad. 

Maybe I should just breathe the sanskrit mantra “ham-sa" or “I am that.” 

Maybe I should just let it be. 

Maybe I should just let me be. 

Maybe I’m working on it, and that's all I should demand of myself for now.