I Got Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

It is another cold, cloudy day. I do not feel good again, but I am trying to take all of these vitamins and stuff so I do not get sick. My mom booked a vacation to Phoenix for my sister, herself, and me. I am so excited to get out of town and soak up some sun. I think it will be a very relaxing trip, because we do not have any official plans. The only official plan is sitting by the pool. I am thinking that may help all of my sinus problems.

Soccer is in full swing. We had a scrimmage on Wednesday and a game on Friday. We lost both by a significant amount, but I have to give the team credit that everyone is working hard this year. It is going to be a rough season, because the majority of our team is new. We play against teams with a lot of experience. I just want to have a memorable and fun last season.

I do not think I will be attending U-M like I originally had planned. I have been informed that Kinesiology is a part of their pre-med program and the average ACT score is a 28...not quite what I got ha. I also figured even if I am accepted, do I really think I can do a pre-med program at U-M? The answer is of course, no. I am debating between Central and State. I even contemplate Siena sometimes, but I do think I should get out of town.

Last night I went to see my sister in her school play. It was cute, and it reminded me of my middle school days. It is funny, because in middle school I thought I was so mature. I look back now, and realize middle school kids are just that, kids. I am sure I will say that about my high school experiences too. It is funny how time changes everything. This soccer season is a constant reminder of how things change. Half of the girls that I played with since I was in sixth grade are gone. I will never play with them again. It's weird. Plus, Kali now has a kid, I am getting ready to go to college. On Lisa Loeb's show she mentioned how you just have to go with the decisions you make. No one knows where their decisions will take them, but they all add up to be your life...so I guess you should enjoy it.

I should work on more scholarships. It is all overwhelming, but in just one week I will be in sunny Phoenix!!!! Thank God for that! I just have to get through this week. OH and on Friday my friend Sarah and I are going clubbing at the Necto with Adam for our first clubbing experience. I hope we have fun, I think we will, but I don't know what to expect. Should be a nice week.

A Preview of Spring

he weather has made my whole week. It was not nice at the beginning, but then it got incredibly beautiful. My friend, Kristin, gave me her Rollerblades. I have been using them almost daily. Today I roller bladed for like an hour, and then went for a bike ride. My legs are a little bit sore, and by butt, well don't get me started on how sore that is.

Everything was better health wise, but then last night I developed a sore throat and a lot of congestion. My lungs burn as well. I am thinking it has to be allergies, because if all of the tests came back negative and I am still sick, then what else could it be? I did get better for like 2-3 weeks though. I am thankful for that!

Yesterday, my family traveled to Toledo to visit my cousin in the hospital who just had a baby boy on Friday. It was so weird, because it honestly seems like yesterday that we were both in Cancun together...with our hair braided, braces flashing, and new bellybutton piercings that we had gotten done together on the first night we were there. Now we are both grown and she has a kid now. It was so amazing to be holding her kid. His name is Jayden Cole and he was less than 24 hours old when I first held him. He was so light. I got to thinking as I held him "He is lighter than one of the dumbbells I use. It is truly an amazing process. It was another example of how things change so quickly and so drastically. No matter what happens, you can't go back. I just keep on keepin' on.

Friday night also was an experience that made me realize how much life is changing and how far I have come. Two of my close friends from soccer came over, along with Kristin and Cristina who I still play soccer with. We got in the hot tub and gossiped about boys and soccer, just like old times. It made me realize how much I missed them and how different it will be this year without them. We all had such a good time laughing and talking it was like things hadn't changed at all, but when they left at nearly 2 am, I realized how we wouldn't all be together again until summer. Then in the summer we will have to accommodate everyones work schedule, and then all of their friends from their grade will be home from school. I just don't think things will ever be the same. Kristin and Cristina stayed until after 3am. We were talking about how in one year we would all be at different schools. It makes me sad to think about how much things will change, but it is very exciting at the same time.

My spiritual growth was going so well, and once again, I feel stunted. I feel like I have to fight myself daily to be spiritual. Sometimes, I just don't feel like fighting. The group I go to S. Dakota with, has pretty much fallen apart and that discourages me. I should have gone to visit my lady in the nursing home, but Wednesday I don't have school, so I will make it a priority to stop by then. I did warn her that soccer was starting and I would not be able to come by much. She was very understanding about it. Maybe I will take her a flower or something to make up for it, because I feel badly and I miss her.

I still haven't heard back from U-M. I am beginning to lose hope. I have so many people who have been hearing back that they got in. I am beginning to think that if I haven't heard anything yet, maybe that means I won't be accepted. They said to allow until the beginning of April, so I guess there is still time. I really need to start blogging regularly again. I feel like there is so much to say, but not enough time. I will try to do better.

Where Have I Been?

Today in second hour, Caitlin and I were talking about how we hadn't blogged since February. I thought it might be, because bloggers seem to feed of each other. I hadn't been giving or receiving comments, and I felt very distant from everything. I had no desire to write about my experiences. Then I got to thinking "I really should blog" about ANYTHING. Then on myspace Rhiannon left me a message saying she still reads my blogs...that gave me the fire I needed to fight of the apathy I have been feeling when it comes to writing and keeping in touch with myself. I understand that when I do not take care of myself emotionally, that everything else in my life seems to pass me by. The last several weeks have not been dull. I just didn't want to write about them. In return for me forgetting to keep in touch with myself, I lost/forgot everything. I would have forgotten my head had it not been attached.

I know it is important to take care of myself spiritually and emotionally, but I seem to put those last compared to everything else. So I had my 18th birthday last week, and that was actually very fun. My friend gave me her old roller blades that she knew I wanted. I have been using them whenever possible. I love listening to my ipod and just skating carelessly. It feels so good. It helps my mood and it helps keep my mind from exploding.

I am working on practicing being more present in the moment. It deals with some meditation techniques, but I can't call it meditation, because I get too frustrated and expect too many results. I think if I clean my room and my notebook, then my life will feel a littl more in control. It has been spinning around out of control for the past few weeks, and I do not like it at all.

I did realize today that I have three weeks untill Spring Break. On Spring Break I plan to get organized and relax. I also realized that I have no school next Wednesday. All of this made me realize I can totally make it to Spring Break. All of my friends seem to be going to warm place, but I don't mind (that much) that I am not. I just need a week to get my crap together.

I am having a hard time forcing myself to write about some of my experiences lately. I have been doing fine and having fun, but I feel like things keep changing more all of the time. I suppose it is only going to get more dramatic as graduation approaches. Captains Week is this week for soccer. Kristin, Cristina, and I are responsible for planning the week's agenda. Next week soccer officially starts and we have a scrimmage on March 21. This final season is going to fly by. I hope that I just enjoy it and have fun. Soccer has always been a huge part of my life and it has been more than a game for me. This year I want it to be just a game again. I want to have fun and not be hard on myself. That is far easier to say then do. I know that I will not appreciate every game like I should, but by being aware of this problem...hopefully I will appreciate it to some extent.

Everything has been overwhelming, but overall going well. Adam is home from Paris and London. I was excited to see him again, but not excited to see the stitches on his poor face(but it makes a great story.) He bought me a necklace for my birthday from Harods. I received several compliments on it today. I suppose I should stop complaining about being unorganized and go do something to help the situation. I will try to blog a little more regularly.

Overwhelmed

After a five day weekend, which was lovely, I have come to the realization that I have a ton of things I have left for myself to do today. Now I am feeling overwhelmed. I am in the process of doing laundry and I was cleaning off the dresser in my room, because I lost a card with a $50 check in it. I have been frantically searching for it off and on for at least a week. I am beginning to think that it is not going to show up. I need to do scholarships, begin my paper for lit comp, and laundry up to my neck. I also had wanted to go to lunch with my grandma and spend a couple hours at the nursing home. I don't know how this is all going to work out.

Friday I had another cat scan. This time of just my sinuses. I am getting anxious to know the results of that, but I have no idea when I will know what is wrong. They told me if the problem is my sinuses, that it will be an easy fix. If it is not, then there will be more tests and it will get a little more tricky. I hope it is just sinus blockage or something along that line.

I am feeling overwhelmed with my college decision. I don't know what I want anymore and U-M still has not made a decision on me. I don't seem to know what is best for me anymore. I guess, it's just a hope for the best sort of thing. I am working on being more independent. I think college will help me be more idependent. I need to do tons of scholarships none the less.

My birthday is coming up, and I am so busy that weekend with Student Senate, because it is winterfest. I am trying to make plans the weekend before and after, but I am feeling stressed with all of these miscellaneous plans for the next 3-4 weeks. After those weeks are over, soccer will be starting. I am so not ready for soccer to start with all of my breathing problems and all of that. I don't know what I'm going to do. I am going to be terrible. Speaking of breathing problems, last night I went to this blues bar/restaurant to see a band. By the end of the night, my lungs were on fire and I was coughing up a storm. I have never been that bothered by smoke. It has to be all of my new, weird, health problems.

Well, I should get back to stressing and trying to accomplish things.

Velma

I've been putting this off for too long, but it needs to be done. I need to remember your face forever. I don't want to forget your blue eyes. They were big and sometimes red. I am already doubting my memory; were they blue? I wish I had a picture of you, or at least a chance to say goodbye. I want to describe every line on your face perfectly. I would always trace them in my head while you were sleeping. When you would gasp for air, my heart would stop. I would gently rub your left arm to let you know I was there, because you were alone far too often. You would talk in your sleep and I would listen intently. I would make sure to memorize every line I could make out, while trying to make sense of what you said.

"Grandpa and Grandma," you called out. "If you have to live there, then you will."

My imagination ran wild as it imagined what this conversation between your grandparents from Germany could be about. Your face scrunched up in agony. I reached for your hand nervously, and you grabbed it. I wondered whose hand you were holding in your sleep, because I knew better than to think it was mine.

My thoughts were swirling frantically. I admit that I thought you were dying. I secretly wished you would, so you wouldn't have to die alone. God, I don't want to die alone. I selfishly wanted you to live, even though you had been wishing for death. I was also afraid for you to die with me there, because I have been fortunately sheltered from death in my short life. I wouldn't know how to handle it, because I am not that strong.

Over an hour passed of me sitting silently with you. I wanted to kiss your wrinkled face, but the metal bar on the hospital bed stood in the way. I settled for squeezing your hand. You opened our eyes and smiled. I said my goodbye with a smile, but while holding back tears. I thought it would be my last goodbye, so I said all the right things.
I saw you again the next week. I walked in relieved and asked "How are you feeling?"

"Better now that you are here" you said making my heart melt.

As we talked, I realized that I loved you as my own grandmother. I said my goodbyes for the week. It wasn't a perfect goodbye, because you were doing much better. I was upset, because you said you wanted to die. I tried to hide my frustration from you. I didn't think you would die, but you did. The very next day, from what I am told. Too bad that no one told me until the next week, because "I was not your family." Who was your family? You were the last living member of your family. Who went to your funeral? I wish I could have gone. No one else understood our friendship. We had an age difference of eighty years. They gave me no pictures of you, no explanation of how it happened or where to find you now. They just handed me the alarm clock that I had given you.

"Do you want this back?" a nursing home worker asked.

"I guess," I shrugged. I felt no emotion. I took the black alarm clock and walked out the heavy doors to the nursing home. I didn't bother to catch them behind me. I let them slam, the same way they slammed the door on our friendship. I have no closure, just a quilt square that you gave me, and memories. I learned from you that memories can not be trusted. They fade and become cloudy. When you told me this, I wanted to kiss you, but that metal bar was still between us. Now I will never get to kiss you, because there are worlds between us. I guess it's always something, but I wish there was just a tiny bar between us again.

I have not felt like myself at all for months now. Mostly because of my daily headaches and sinus problems. Today I still had a headache, but I felt like me. I was goofing around in Independent Study, I was genuinely smiling, when people asked me how I was doing I actually said "good" instead of "okay," and I just felt I paid more attention to the ladies at the nursing home. I then read the side effects on the new steroid pills I stared today, and "mood changes" is listed as one of them. I was like "Well, I'll take that." I just hope it isn't like mood swings, and then I'll be the opposite tomorrow. If it is, at least I will be able to blame the drugs.

I learned that the one woman's roommate that I used to speak of (the one who developed alzhiemer's after I had started visiting) passed away last week. I had a feeling she would, she was very sick last week. She didn't even know her own family members that were visiting. I think it is what she wanted though, because she was so disoriented that she never knew what was going on. She was always scared, paranoid, and depressed. She was not like that at all when I first started visiting there. She was the sweetest woman. She talked really soft and would always join in my conversations with the woman I visit there. She was so thoughtful and sweet. When she started getting sick this summer, I think my heart would break a little more each time I saw her. She started out just being confused, then she started losing that sweet personality and getting more demanding and angry. I think one of the worst times was when she was sitting on her bed wearing only a bra. She was asking me to get her some clothes out of the closet. I started to do that, but then the Velma (The woman I visit) told me not to. She told me Viera (The roommate) was supposed to be wearing the clothes she had on the bed. Viera began to grow angry with me and started crying. I told her I wished I could help her and that I could get a nurse, but she was being totally irrational. It broke my heart when the nurses came in. Viera started yelling and swearing at the nurses, and she would never have done that in her right mind. She was the sweetest, soft-spoken woman.

Today Velma told me how she was ready to die and she hoped it was soon. She is 96 and still so innocent and sweet. She believes in everything she says, without any doubts. I have really grown attach to her, and while I know she is anxious for her last day to come, I do not want it to. I guess that's just the selfish side of me coming out.

There is so much drama going on over who is going where for Spring Break. All of my closest friends are like ready to kill each other. I don't really want to deal with it...I am seriously thinking about just staying home. It will be soccer season anyways. I probably should stay home. Today when I mentioned that my best friend was like "Who are you trying to impress?" meaning why am I not going to just do what I want to do instead of worry about everyone else. The answer is I am not trying to impress anyone. I just will not have a good time if I feel guilty the whole time...I guess it's just my guilt issues taking over like always.

Tonight I went to Applebees with my dad and my sister, because my mom was at meetings. It was a nice get away from the normal week, but then I realize it is only Tuesday. So I should get over the stressed feeling, and face the week head on...a nice dinner was nice anyways.

Saturday Adam wants me to go to this "Erotic Play" about lesbians. I was like "What are you trying to say?" at first, but then he informed me it is free and it is a feminist play by a woman who used to work for the Bush administration. So I think I will go, because it will be a chance to spend some time with Adam and expand my theatre experiences. I need to be open-minded. I just have been feeling so sick so often, that I don't really like to go out on Saturday nights anymore. I like to sit home in my P.J's and watch Saturday Night Live and movies with my family. I know, not typical 17 (almost 18) year-old behavior.

Friday is my cat scan. A lot of people are nervous for me, which is very sweet...Surprisingly I am not nervous though. Can you believe that? ME! the most nervous person in the whole entire world is not nervous about a cat-scan. I mean, it's a little scary to think about the possibilities, but I am almost 100% it's just some sinus problems. Also I just keep making jokes about it...which sounds immature, but is helping tremendously. I kept telling Caitlin and Christine in I.Study, that the worst they could tell me is I am dying from feline aids...the discussion wouldn't even be scary because they would be like:

DOCTOR: "We have some bad news. We don't k now how to tell you this, but we think you have a new disease. It's called felinitis. The good news is we are going to name it the "Aimee disease," after you."

ME: What does that mean, Doctor?

Doctor: It means you seem to be a cat. P.S. you have feline aids.

That is the running joke in 2nd hour, that I am secretly a cat. It's lame, immature, all of the above. We seem to get a kick out of it though, and it really has made me not nervous about anything. Plus like I mentioned before, I am pretty sure all of my constant sickness is just sinus issues anyways. So what is there to be scared about?

I have to go do an English paper that I have been procrastinating. I needed to vent though, because my sister just accidently deleted all of the 400 songs on my I-pod. I don't want to be angry at her, because I know she didn't mean to. There is probably a way to fix it, but I just needed to write a little to calm down.

Looking Past All That Shines

All that glitters is not gold, but why do I want it anyways?

I don't know what I really want to address in this blog. I just know that I have not been writing as frequently as I should be for my Independent Study. I have no desire to write at this moment, but I am making myself. I had a doctors appointment on Friday to go over my continuous sickness that does not go away. I am now on more drugs and am going to be getting a cat scan. I hope the cat scan takes place sometime this week, because the sooner that happens, the sooner I can go to a specialist. The sooner I go to a specialist, the sooner I can get better (at least I hope so.) I am now officially out of shape. I have gained at least 5 pounds, and I hate feeling unhealthy. I just can't run frequently when I am sick everyday.

I slept until 11:45 today. I did not want to do that. I try to wake up at a decent time on Sundays, because it helps me sleep easier Sunday night. I woke up at nine, but I was so tired. I decided to go back to sleep for an hour, but then I woke up at 11:45. I have been so tired from being sick, that I am hoping I will get to sleep okay still.

This week I plan to go in to talk to April again. (The youth minister I met with the one time.) I like her perspective on the Catholic faith. I feel like I need religion to be a part of my life, just to keep me on track with self-evaluation and for a sense of purpose? It is hard, because no matter what religion or lack there of, people are going to think you are wrong and not support it. I guess I need to work on following my own desires and taking care of myself spiritually, and I think April helps me with that.

I pick these role-models for so many different reasons (they can be celebrities, friends, adults, or anyone really,) and then I seem to want to know everything about them and I pin my insecurities and imperfections on them. What always happens, is that the more I get to know them, the more human they become to me, and the less interested I become in their ideas. I worry that I am seeking self-affirmation from people, and then when I get it. It's not what I want anymore. I worry that I am getting too excited to have someone that understands me in the Catholic faith, and then the more I talk with her about faith, the more I will be back to where I started. That's the thing about faith, I guess. It's a constant struggle. In the Anne Lamott book I just read recently, she used a quote from some religious figure that said something about how it is a new battle everyday to have faith. It doesn't carry over from day to day. You have to find it everyday, and sometimes you don't find it, but then you try again tomorrow.

I wish I could spell. I always submit things, such as comments or letters...thinking that I have spelled everything correctly, but later am haunted by mistakes. Then, I feel like an idiot and it bothers me for days. I rarely use spell checks on here, unless I have no idea how to spell a word. I guess I am just lazy. I need to work on that. The thing is, I use spell check sometimes, but when I use it I am fine. When I don't use it, of course something is wrong. I need to start being more aware of spelling, because the truth is people do judge you on spelling.

On another note, everyone should watch "#1 Single" on E! Lisa Loeb has her own reality show and it is very fun and cute. I wish I had E! because I would love to watch it tonight at 10pm. Luckily my lovely grandma is recording it for me! So check it out!

La Dolce Gilda

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."

I AM NOT A REBEL!

I must say that I could not have asked for a more perfect time for a snow day. I was not expecting it at all. I was up, for what felt like all night, but was only a mere hour. It was still later than I wanted to go to bed at, since I am sick. Then for some reason today I am just so dead tired. I got plenty of sleep, but I think maybe it's the messed up sinuses. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I just felt really terrible this morning, and I didn't feel prepared for the school day. I used today to get a lot of things I needed to do done. I am going to bed early as well. Even if I feel sick the rest of the week, I only have to get through tomorrow and Friday. I can do it!

I have been very confused about the Catholic Faith, for years now. I kind of have just separated myself from the church and claimed to have no religion. I just considered myself spiritual and Christian, but kind of a bad Christian. Today I talked to a Catholic Youth Minister in her twenties, who I knew from my first trip to S. Dakota. I knew she was much more open-minded than a lot of people of faith that I have talked to, so when I heard she had moved back from Boston I asked her if I could ask her about her faith. She seemed really excited to share her beliefs with me. I think I needed something like that, because now I do not feel so "rebellious" and distant from the church. She told me why she is Catholic and what has made her question her faith. She was very liberal and open minded. She told me, that she liked the Catholic faith because of the mentors she had when she was younger, they encouraged her to question things and be brave enough to admit anger about things. She spoke of all of the positive things about the faith, that I had been forgetting about. She said with other faiths she did not feel she could ask questions. I told her that is how I felt about the Catholic Faith, and she said that made her sad that is how things are right now. She encouraged my questions and my independent spiritual search. She told me she was so glad that I am taking the time to question. It is the best I have felt about my spirituality in a very long time. I have somehow gotten this twisted idea that I am a bad person, because I don't have the same beliefs as the people of faith that I know and I don't really claim an official religion. I am allowed to search around and to follow my heart. In fact, it should be encouraged. It feels good to know I am not a rebel. I am me!

I'm sick...yet again

So I'm fricken sick again. I know what you are thinkin' "big surprise." I have been sick on and off for months. Whenever I finish my anti-biotic, within a few days I get sick again. It is frustrating me, because I feel that I have been taking good care of myself. Being sick so much is making me feel sorry for myself, and is affecting my mood. I feel like a helpless hypochondriac that has a new symptom almost weekly. I feel like my friends do not understand, because everytime they ask me to hang out, I use the same excuse I have been using all year "oh I don't know; I don't feel that great." I mean what must be running through their heads everytime I say that? I know that they believe that I am sick, but are they thinking "this girl is a weakling who makes a big deal over nothing and can't stay healthy?" I sure hope not, but I feel like that a lot. I am going to try to get into the doctor tomorrow on my day off. I hope that they will run some more tests or something to put my mind at ease, instead of saying "oh you are just sick again, and after four anti-biotics there's nothing more we can do."

Everythings else is going decent. I am doing okay in school, but I am upset I worked hard on preparing for my government test only to receive a C+. It was quite a dissapointment. I guess I will have to work even harder next time. Speaking of which, I need to do stuff for that class tomorrow. I feel like such a bum, because with being sick and all I have not accomplished anything lately. I even skipped my indoor soccer game today, which makes me sad. Oh well, at least everything else is fine and I have the day off tomorrow. I hope the doctor can tell me what is my problem. I hope everyone else is healthy!

Enough Already

I saw a glimpse of my immaturity mixed with a noticable growth from last year. I have commented on Student Senate "drama" before. I have done everything I could to avoid it. I have not bad-mouthed anyone and I have done what I have been told. Somehow I have been thrown into the "bashin' bin." I was angry at first, because I feel that I am not included in any of the activities, but then expected to contribute. I felt betrayed, because I have been nothing but polite to people. I rarely get angry, so I noticed my immaturity at my anger. In order for me to be angry I have to feel vindicated, and in the past I was not confident enough to be angry. I would just get sad. Although, the anger is progress...I do realize that anger is an immature reaction most of the time, because it can take over rational thoughts. I was fortunate enough to have Big Brothers/Big Sisters today after that class, so I was able to find my normal self again. My first instinct was to grap the angry music with "F-You" screamed frequently. I then decided to select the one Christian song on my ipod and jam to it. Then my rational thoughts came into play. Well, truthfully it was not until the ride home from visiting my "little sister" that the rational thoughts came. After spending a nice time with my little, I decided that I should not feel slighted at their comments. I know that I am doing my best to be a good person. I will admit that I probably deserve to be talked about behind my back sometimes, but this is one of the few times where I didn't. I realized that the people that were saying stuff are not people I will see after I graduate. I have done my part to be respectful, and that is all I can do. If they want to talk bad about me, what good is it for me to get all angry about it? I shouldn't base my self-analysis on their opinions, so who cares?

As honest and mature as those thoughts are, I still feel some anger at writing about this. I know I shouldn't be, but it's amazing how I can be completely comfortable with a situation, and then feelings take over. I think it just comes down to my feelings were hurt for no apparent reason. I need to get used to it, because that's life...and plus I am a little bit "overly sensitive." Hey, I'm a writer...What do you expect? So the good news is...I can see growth in the aspect of understanding my feelings. The bad news is... I still feel a little slighted by the drama.

I have decided I will most likely continue doing more personal blogging on here, unless I get more interested people on my space. I wonder if any of my friends read my blogs on there, and if they do that makes me feel like I cannot be as honest. Well, I am off to study for a Govt. test tomorrow. I hope it goes well. Oh an I start job shadowing at a physical therapists office tomorrow. I am quite nervous!

MY Space

I joined my space so that I could view some profiles of people a while back and I forgot about it. I just decided to give it a try today, so if you get bored...http://www.myspace.com/sparkleaimee

Like Old Times

Well, I was sick again for Christmas, but other than that it was a really nice break! It feels like old times (This past fall) again, with that "Back to School" vibe going around, me talking about being sick, and then I just got back from my first real run that I have taken in a long time! I feel good.

I actually have real homework tonight and all of the teachers talked about how this semester is "going to be harder." It is going to be tough to stay motivated, but I am kind of excited about some of the stuff I will be doing in Lit Comp and Ind. Study. I hate school and homework, but I love the idea of learning new things. It just seems I get so burnt out on everything I don't really learn I just "get by for the test." I hope this semester I can enjoy my last semester of high school and just go all out, but have a good time. My friends are discussing a possible trip to NYC for Spring Break. I am not sure if we can pull it off, but I would just be in heaven if we can go. I hope it won't cost too much money though, because I really can't afford it right now with college approaching.

For Independent Study we actually have daily assignments and goals. I am excited, because I kind of needed a push, but I am wondering how long we will all stay motivated. When things get stressful for everyone we start to slack. I hope I can get some good comedy stories going this semester. I did not have enough funny pieces in my last porfolio. I do not really have any big news or anything to share. Everything is grand.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I think people are more interested in their theory of who I am, rather than actually knowing who I am.

Almost There

I can't wait for break to get here. I am tired of school, but at the same time I haven't had nearly as much to be tired about this year. I think I might be getting a virus to go along with my anti-biotic. I really don't know what is wrong with me. Today I stopped by to visit my little sister (the one through Big Bro/Big Sis). She was so sweet today. I was impressed by how she has matured in such a short time. Her ninth birthday was on December 5th. I missed hearing about it because I was sick last week when I was supposed to visit her. My mom bought her this really cute sweatshirt with a monkey keychain attached. I was all worried that it wouldn't fit or she wouldn't like it, but it fit her and she loved it! We played with the monkey keychain too. We made him knock over all of the blocks and silly things like that. I actually had a blast doing those things. I am such a kid at heart. She was so polite opening the gift. She opened the card first and said thankyou many times. I was so impressed. She gave me so many hugs it was adorable. I love kids when they are sweet like that.

So I had another vase blow up in ceramics, which almost resulted in an undercover temper-tantrum. Luckily Mr. Bytwork was nice enough to allow me to stay into seventh hour and then helped me one-on-one make another one. If this next one blows it will blow my grade along with it. It is just too late to make another one before the end of the semester.

Ashlee has an orchestra concert tonight. I suppose I will go, although I am not crazy about squeaky violins. I might need a nap now, in order to do that.

I am supposed to be past having boy drama for this year. I thought I was very clear that this was to be a no more boy confusion time. I was told yesterday that Brandon has been "talking" with my only other ex-boyfriend's girlfriend. Yes, twisted indeed. Now, Brandon and I are not dating so I should not care. I told him he could see other people. I guess when I said that, I was expecting like college girls, not someone a year younger than me who is dating the only other guy, besides Brandon, that I ever dated. The reason I was kind of angry was because this whole line he always tells me about "I'm real," and I believe him everytime, but then stupid little rumors always lead me to doubt him. It makes me wonder if I ever really believe him to begin with. It just made me think, that really he hasn't grown up like I thought he had, and maybe I haven't either. I thought we had both grown up for the better, but this leads me to believe things are the same as they have always been between us. He came over just Friday and told me how he missed me and comes home to see "his family, Justin, and me," There was enver anything about this other girl (Whom I happen to like I might add). So it makes me question his "I'm real and have nothing to hide" claims. I haven't decided whether to talk to him about it or just give up on it all. I suppose I will have to talk to him about it sometime soon, since we are supposed to hang out over Christmas. It just confuses me is all and I hate feeling like a naive fool. Oh well, "This too...shall pass." I'm off to take a nap.

Snow Day

Today was a snow day and for that, I am thankful! I have a ton of homework still, because unfortunately my teachers planned on a snowday and gave me work due Monday, and lots of it. I found this very dissapointing with sub-deb being this weekend. I am very excited for subdeb. We are taking a very hot party bus and Leslie and I burnt a cd full of hot bus songs, such as "The Venga Bus" by the Venga Boys and "Back of the bus" OutKast. It should be a ghettofabulous evening. As subdeb always is. Good times of very loud rap music, pure chaos, and a steaming hot dance floor (literally).

This evening I went to a party with my mom, sister, and other teachers that she teaches with. We froze outside for the "Parade of Lights" Afterwards we went to a home for food. I had a nice time, but I always get in weird moods after talking a lot with people I do not know very well, where I worry too much. Questions like, "Did I talk to much?" or "Did I sound like an idiot when I said this..." all run through my head. I am getting better and reassuring myself I am allowed to have a good time and be real. I don't need to be so conservative that I am fake. I know everything was fine, but I am working on eliminating those questions completely.

I have been doing a lot of writing for IND Study as I may have mentioned before. I am growing excited with some of my stories that I have come up with. For the longest time I was having a terrible time creating anything original that I was passionate about. I kept complaing that all of my stories were "cheesy". ms eddy told me that I just needed to create characters that Iwas passionate about so I could have more of their background and make readers care about them too. I also was stressing about length. I would write like mad on a good idea get to like 20 pages and then be like "Where am I going with this?" Then I never touch it again. Or I would be like, "I have to make this a long story" and get stuck because I would be trying to create something that wasn't there. I am getting more and more excited about my portfolio with every meeting I have with ms. eddy. I just hope it all comes together and is something I am really proud of.

I attended a group prayer meeting today for lunch since we had the day off. I was not sure I wanted to go, but I am really glad I did. I found out a friend of mine from fifth grade and middle school, her father died last night. It is really sad, because this girl has kind of dropped out of school and been in trouble with drugs. Her father was really dissapointed by all of this and now he is gone. I heard she is experiencing a lot of guilt, because she hurt him so badly and now he is gone before she could fix it. I hope this will motivate her to change her lifestyle, because she really has a lot of potential. She has set herself back a couple of years, but I think she could use this to get her life back. I hope that this will help her see how fragile life is, instead of sending her into a deeper darkness. I can't stop worrying about her. Although I don't see her much anymore, I am hoping I can attend the service, but I know it will probably be during school. I would at least like to go to the visitation. It is just another example of making sure to live the life you want to be living, because regret is not a feeling you can get rid of or change.

The Conclusion

Well, today I went to the doctor. I am on an anti-biotic, yet again...they think I never got better is the deal. The bacteria must me immune to the weaker doses, they said that they have seen several cases lately of strep resisting the anti-biotic. I am hoping third time is a charm. The good news is, that I am probably not even contagious...since I have been on anti-biotic twice now. This new one I have to take 3 times a day for 14 days. That will be a pain, but if it gets me healthy again it is worth it.

I had a nice long discussion with ms. eddy today...really long...about my writing and everything. I feel much better after doing so. I feel like I will be able to pull it all together somehow. I think I was just setting unreal expectations for my writing. I was rather frustrated with my friends again today. Nothing huge, just little things. It just makes me see how we all need to go our seperate ways. It wasn't anything catty like usual, it was just one of those days where everyone was grumpy and not communicating with eachother and it made me frustrated, even though my day was fine, except for being sick.

I have come to the conclusion that everything will be okay. It's a big conclusion, that I have always known. I just decided that everything will turn out in the future. I will adapt, so I need to stop worrying about whether or not I get accepted to U-M or if I get a stupid B in ceramics. I am just living my life the best I know how and I will just have to deal with what I am dealt...or that I deal myself. I am unsure of the whole fate V self theory. I just know that if things get sucky...I will get through it. If things aren't sucky, then I will enjoy it. Those are the only options I have. I am going to bed early tonight. I am very tired...I think it's the whole sick thing.

I'm sick...yet again

Well, I am sick again for the third time in a short time period. I was panicking that I had a week immune system or something was wrong with me, but then I remembered the lady at the nursing home was sick last week and she was coughing all over her hand. Then I grabbed hold of her hand before I left...that's just common sense I guess. So on another sucky tangent, my vase blew up in ceramics. I have had so many things ruined in there. I don't think I can get an A at this point. My vase was my best one yet, probably because he helped me so much with it. Then it blew...that blows haha.

A lot has happened over the past week. Most importantly, Brandon and I are no longer formally dating. He brought up the one night that he like me a lot and that he wanted to wait until we were both ready to commit to a serious relationship. He said he didn't want to mess up a good thing by rushing. That is exactly how I felt and what I had been saying. I was a little taken back by the fact that he suggested the whole waiting to get serious thing. I thought I would be the one to bring that up, but I guess it is good we are on the same level. So we are still talking on the phone a lot and planning on hanging out over Christmas. Everything is basically the same with no pressure. I like it. We both agreed we could casually see other people as well. I went on a "group date" with a friend of mine, his girlfriend, his cousin, and a couple of other friends. It was nice. I had fun. Sub deb is this Saturday and I am very excited. The group I am going with has over 20 people and we rented this "party bus" with leather seats and colored lights. It should be a blast!

I have been e-mailing a girl who is a freshman at U-M. She was in my math class for 2 years, but we never talked much. She has been very helpful telling me about U-M and her portfolio last year for Ind. Study. We have the same type of humor, so I have been getting a kick out of her e-mails and wondering why we never talked at school last year? It is weird how some of my best friends from last years senior class and I barely keep in touch. Then some of the people I barely talked to, I have been running in to and talking with quite a bit. I have been writing A LOT because I am stressing about what I will include in my portfolio. I want it to be stuff I am proud of, but I am just not sure which pieces yet. I hope ms. eddy will be able to help me with all of that.

My friend Leslie, signed me up for a spray on tan with her. (I won a free one from afterprom last year.) I am scared I will turn out orange, but my friend Erika always looks good when she gets them. I am also a little nervous about the whole standing there in my underwear while a woman sprays me down. That is going to be very uncomfortable.

Also, last week I found out my cousin is pregnant. She and I used to be best friends growing up. She is 1 year and half older than I and a year and a half younger than my brother...so it was like perfect when the three of us would hang out. I am so dissapointed, because I feel like she probably did not take the proper precautions. She probably was like "oh so what if I get pregnant?" She is not even dating this guy...he is in the service and he is not even taking responsibility for it. The thing I think I am mad about...is that she is excited. It is just so careless and foolish. Her life will never be the same again. At nineteen she is going to be forced to grow up. I doubt she will go back to school either. I guess it's her life though. I just pray she can handle it and that the kid grows up okay. I know my Aunt and Uncle will make sure it does. I'm off to dinner.

Why Am I Even Blogging?

I feel like I have nothing important to say. I cannot get motivated to write or blog at all. I am forcing myself to blog just so I can say I have done something for IND Study. I seriously am beginning to wonder why I blog? I don't have anything special to say. One benefit is my informal writing has definately improved. I have a pimple right on my hairline that is really killing me. I popped it once, but it is all huge and painful. I have a paper to finish for BIO tonight, I had a nice day at the nursing home and at Big Brothers Big Sisters. I had a major flashback when I sat in on my little sister's music class. I had the same teacher in elementary and I could not keep a straight face at how everything was the same. I am worried about the 96 year old woman I visit at the nursing home. She is really sick. I always really worry about her when she gets sick. I just can't help but wonder if she will get better.

Today in Independent Study, ms. eddy was talking about how she can see through people and that scares people, because they do not like to expose their vulnerabilties. I then asked her "but don't you think people can see through you too?" She was telling me about how she is not ashamed of herself and she purposely makes herself transparent. She was claiming she puts everything out there for everyone to see, even the bad stuff like hate, failure, and weakness. She was saying she is not proud of it, but she is not ashamed of it. It got me thinking how much more comfortable I have grown with myself, but I started trying to decide if anyone can ever be totally comfortable with themselves and if so how long until I get there? People can tell me all day that they are comfortable with themselves, but I can't help but doubt them. I am such an optimist at times, but totally pesimistic at others. This is one of those things I have a hard time being optimistic about. I can't help but think everyone is just caught up in their image. I don't understand extremes and lack of understanding. I really do not have anything to say, but I need to push myself. I have taken too many days off from writing.

I'm content with who I am,
but scared of who I will be.
I don't feel happy,
but I don't feel sad.
I don't feel anything at this exact second.
I am not worried.
Happiness passes within a few seconds.
It is nice, but overrated.
Sadness evolves into a greater happiness.
It is hard, but builds character.
I wouldn't change a thing,
but I often wish I could.

Back to Reality

Thanksgiving is over. I am now trying to figure out which homework I want to do. I feel like I have so much to do, (mostly for IND Study) but none of it is due tomorrow. I need to get a good chunk of something...I just do not know where to start. I decided to start by blogging. That way I can get the fun holiday off my mind and get back to reality. I had a really nice long weekend, but it feels like it wasn't long at all. Wednesday afternoon I went to lunch with Brandon. Then I went to see Rent with a bunch of my girlfriends. I loved that movie. The music was great, but I was all having a great time and I did not know that it was so sad. (I had never seen the play or been told the plot). I was like slapped in the face with how sad it was because I was not expecting it. Later that evening I was able to watch my favorite women of SNL on the Ellen show. Then Adam came home and we all set up the tree, or more like watched my sister and mom put up the tree.

We spend Thursday in Ohio at my cousins. It was nice to have a family get together in the middle of nowhere. It was a much needed break from Adrian. We spent the night in a nice hotel Thursday night and headed home after lunch at my cousins house on Friday. after a 3 hour drive. I went out with Brandon to see "Just Friends" it was a cute date movie. He then came back with me and we enjoyed the entertaining company of my brother and "Sailor." They were hilarious. I later drove Ashley home in the terrible snow. Brandon came along and everything. Then at 2:15 in the morning Brandon headed home and before so gave me a ring of his with his initials on it. I think that means we are now officially a couple? I am not sure, but that is what I am counting it as.

Last night Leslie and Erika came over and we watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I really love that movie. It is such a cute coming of age story. They left early because I had my soccer game this morning. We didn't have a lot of subs so I played almost the whole game (I sat for five minutes). I was sooo tired, but it was a fun game. I then came home and showered in a hurry to get to Brittany's. She was home for Thanksgiving, but had to leave for the airport at 2 this afternoon. I didn't get to see her long, but it was nice to see her again. It messes with my mind having her so far away. I had to rush from her house to babysit for two boys...one is 5 and the other is 3. They were so wild! I babysit for them often, they are usally pretty good, but today they were out of control! Their mom said they have been like that for like four days. I am sure she was glad to get out of the house to see Harry Potter. I handled them okay. The oldest one is always really good for me, but the three year old is at that phase were he does the opposite of everything I tell him to. It was drving me crazy! So that was my weekend...I have lots of stuff I need to do, but I would love to get in my PJ's and not do anything. Oh well, maybe I will compromise and do my homework in my PJ's? This is really a pointless entry, but just wanted to say I had a fun weekend and avoid homework.

My Transparent Poem

Well, today ms. eddy tore apart my poem in the edditting proccess. I will post the newer, improved version later...

I Don't Really Know...

I did not realize it had been a full week since I had last blogged. I do not feel like I have needed to express myself lately. It must be because I have been doing a lot of writing for Independent Study trying to prepare my portfolio. I worked on my portfolio all day yesterday. I am actually kind of excited about it. I was worried it wouldn't be something that I am proud of, but I am starting to put a lot of work into and I am starting to feel a sense of accomplishment with it. I hope the final thing is something I will be really proud of. I bought all of this really cool scrapbook paper with lots of cool designs on it. I am going to put my poems on there. I bought designs and images on the paper that reflect the moods of the poem. I also had this cool transparent paper that I was excited about, but I did not have anything to use it on. It helped inspire the name of my portfolio. I have decided that title will be Transparent. I like that because I like how people think they can see through each other, but there are always so many layers. It is going to be like a collection of my different moods and layers. I plan to attach the transparent paper to the title page so you have to look through it (it makes it a little cloudier) to see the title. It also inspired this poem for my portfolio. I think I will use it as my opening poem because it goes with the theme so well.


Transparent

Why do you try to look through me?
I am made of layer upon layer.
I feel such different emotions daily,
that I have yet to figure myself out.
You insist that you see through me,
because I am made of thick,
but fragile glass skin.

“With one drop you will be broken,”
you say to me nonchalantly.
I don't care what you say.
You can't see through me at all.
If I am made of glass, then it must be cloudy,
because although you may see silhouettes of my pieces,
you cannot tell just what those silhouettes are of.

Who knew I would mold some of my poems around the paper I bought? I also will be including a couple of stories, blog entries, and random things in my portfolio. I really got a lot done yesterday. I am kind of excited, but I still have a long way to go! I need to write at least two more short stories to include in it.

I went to a U-M/ Ohio State party with my parents and Ash on Saturday. It was a nice time with lots of good food. Ashlee and I left early to meet up with Grandma and Uncle Mike to go see Harry Potter. It was really great! The book is much more in depth though so if there is any confusion during the movie, then be sure to read the book. I went to bed early Saturday night, because I had to wake up at 5:45 to go play indoor soccer in Maumee. That will be my new weekly routine, but unfortunately this Sunday I will have to wake up at 4:45... it is really exhausting!

Senator Carl Levin came to my school today to speak. I was able to miss class to attend the speech thanks to student senate. I really liked it. It was very informative. I never feel fully informed of what is going on with politics. It was easy to listen to him, because he is democratat. Although any politician is usually good at public speaking and thinking on their feet. He was thrown some tough questions and he did a great job to answer them. I have just discovered this artist named Maia Sharp... I was nosureue how I liked her music at first, but it has really grown on me. It is really laid back and I like that. I need to get to bed early last night. Waking up at 5:45 yesterday and then not going to bed early last night has really made me quite sleepy. Last full day of school tomorrow. I am excited! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Dual of the Fates

Do not ask me why, but for some reason I'm listening to "Dual of the Fates" from Star Wars. It is very geeky for me to be listening to Star Wars music, but I just like the whole good VS evil theme. If only it was that simple in real life. Nothing is ever entirely good or evil. It makes everything very confusing. The choir singing so desperately in the background is something I wish I would hear when I encounter mean people. It would be hilarious! It would definitely make me laugh instead of being angry. I am going to see Harry Potter on Saturday with my grandma. I am really excited it looks fantastic!

I have a ton of homework I need to be doing, but tonight this is kind of homework. The thing is, I am trying to begin organizing my writing for IND Study. I realized I need to do more quality writing. I have been making a list over the last 2 days about topics, styles, and people I would like to write about. I need to get on the ball for that, but I did make some progress over the weekend. I need to keep writing everyday, but tonight I do not have time to do real writing (as in stories or poems). I saw this movie this weekend called The Jacket. It story line was so cool. I would love to try that style of writing, although ms. eddy informed me today how challenging it is to write things that are murky all the way through and then piece together at the end. She said she was not even sure if she could help me get started. I want to experiment around with it though.

I am still having a dilemma with whether or not I want to get serious about Brandon. I like him, but I was sure I didn't want a relationship. The only problem with that is that I am not sure why I do not want a boyfriend. I think it is just fear of growing up. Maybe I should just get over it and take a chance for once. I couldn't sleep last night because I was confused and thinking about it. I guess the best answer to my confusion is to talk to him about it and see what he has to say. I am scared to do that though, but I am sure next time it comes up I will have to do it. Everyone thinks I am such a pushover, partly because I am, but if it is something I am really determined to do, then I will do it. I am determined to be more honest with him in hopes that he will do the same. It was not that we were intentionally dishonest with each other last time, but it was just that we both were too reserved with each other to tell the other when we were unhappy. As fun as that all was it ended, because fantasies can't last forever. A relationship has to be real. I think the both of us have grown a lot, but I am still not confident in myself being mature enough to have a serious relationship. To be honest the idea of a serious relationship scares the crap out of me.

Tomorrow I get my new "little sister" through the big brothers/big sisters program. I am anxious, but still very disappointed that I can no longer see my other one. I still have been thinking about her and hoping she's okay. I have noticed that if I go more than a couple days without running I feel myself getting sad for no reason. Maybe that was part of my problem last year. Exercise can really work miracles on my mood. I think I need to keep running for multiple reasons, but that is one of the perks for sure. I need to go study for my lit comp quiz tomorrow. I have to babysit tomorrow from 6-9. I was hoping to start my reading response tonight so I won't be up late tomorrow, but there is no reason for me to stay up late tonight in trying to avoid staying up late tomorrow. I will just do what I can and try not to stress.

Gypsies, Tramps, and Theives

You can hear a great cover of Cher's "Gypsies, Tramps, and Theives" at www.lisaloeb.com. You can also hear a cool cover of Shania Twain's "Don't be stupid." Both songs are for their tribute albums.

Runners High

I was feeling angry at the world today. I was really upset my little sister (through the big brother big sister program) was taken away from her home and put into foster care. She was seperated from her 4 other brothers and sisters. It really ruined my day. I was even more upset, because I didn't get to say goodbye because I was sick last week. It is terrible what kids have to go through today. I was angry because no one seemed to care about it when I told them. Sometimes it pisses me off the world is so cruel and careless to one another.

I went to the nursing home after school. That helped a little, but it is always kind of a sad place. I still didn't feel happy when I came home. I decided to go for a run, because I hadn't ran since the big run Sunday. I am proud of myself I had a really great run. I ran 3.6 miles pretty hard. I was definately tired when I got home, but I felt like a new person. That runners high I have discovered from cross country is one of the best things to happen to me. I feel like a totally different person than I was just an hour ago.

I have no school tomorrow so I am going out with the girls tonight! It should be fun. I haven't hung out with a group of people in a while. I felt bad, because I have so much stuff I need to get done. I can worry about all that tomorrow though. Tonight is a night to just let loose and have fun!

Well, I was all upset earlier and ws planning on writing a lot to vent. Lucky for all of you, I have this runners high and I am feelin great so I have nothing to write about.

Family, Friends, and Jude Law!

I don't have anything in particular that I want to write about, but I realized I hadn't updated since Wednesday. I did do some writing since then, but not for my blog. I had a nice weekend. Friday I stayed up finishing my Harry Potter book. I was disappointed greatly in the ending. I love the intensity in JK Rowling's books, but it was just such a dark, depressing ending that I was appalled. I was determined I wouldn't read the seventh book when it came out, but I have already changed my mind. I am excited for the fourth Harry Potter move that is coming out November 18 as well!

Oh also on Friday, I had a surprise visitor. Brandon called me and when we were talking he was acting like he was in Ann Arbor. At the end of the conversation, he was like, "What would you do if I said I was in your driveway right now?" I ran out looking like a total dork, because I had not changed out of my running clothes and my socks didn't match. He was standing outside holding flowers for me because I had been sick. It was very sweet. It made my whole week. I still do not know where either of us plan to go relationship, but I am just enjoying his company and I hope he feels the same. Sometimes relationships complicate things. He also came over last night to say goodbye before he went to school. He was wearing his adorable glasses and he looked just like Jude Law! I was impressed.

Saturday my family when to Red Lobster with my grandma, grandpa, and Uncle Mike for my parents birthdays. (They are with in a few weeks of each other so we pick a day in between to celebrate.) It was a really nice night with great food and great company. I was happy Adam made it home so we could all do that. It feels like we don't all get to be a real family much anymore. It was nice to have a weekend like how things used to be.

Sunday I had to wake up to run a 10K race! (That's 6.2 miles!) My friend Sarah and I promised to run together the whole time because we both had not ran all week. I thought she would have to be the one dragging me along, but it was actually the opposite. At the one point she was going to walk, but I turned around and literally pushed her to keep running. Our time was terrible, but because there were only three girls in our age group we both medaled. We did not walk either, so that is an accomplishment alone... I could have ran it much faster though, well probably at least 10 minutes faster. It wouldn't have been as fun though.

I must say I am ecstatic, because we do not have school Wednesday. I have promised to use it to clean my room, or at least start working on it, but I will still sleep in and not do homework tomorrow night! It will be fantastic. I love days off! My friend Leslie has also asked me to hang out Friday and we have not really hung out in a long time so it should be nice. I am going to go. I am unsure of what I plan to do after this, but I will find something to do...Most likely homework.

Why Do People NOT Write?

Today I was thinking about how I haven't been writing lately. I began to realize it was because I have been so sick that I have not been paying attention to anything. It is a rather boring way to live...in a state of not noticing what is around me or appreciating anything. How do people who do not write appreciate life to the fullest? It seems to slip by so fast. It is really hard to grasp everything that happens to me. I feel a need to remember each and every moment so I write about everything I possibly can think of, but I am still in this phase of feeling like I have to write quality when I write. I have improved at this from last year. I definately write much more meaningless crap then I used to, and this is a good thing. The more I write this useless junk, the less I feel like I am writing for someone. Natalie Goldberg in Thunder and Lightning claims we are all writing for someone other than ourselves. I may have mentioned this theory of hers before in a blog entry, but the truth is I do not know who I am writing for. She says everyone wants to say they write for themselves, but that is not the case when we search deeper. To be honest I do not really care who I am writing for, but I am just glad that I write. I seriously wonder why people do not write and if the "nonwriters" can live the same quality of life. It just seems like memories fade, things change, and we begin to question the accuracy of the memories we have left. If it is written it is like truth that will remain the truth forever.

I spent most of my day reading my Harry Potter book. It is an elementary book that everyone can enjoy, but I still admire how complex everything is. JK Rowling is so amazing at putting little things that seem trivial in the beginning that then come up to be huge in the end. She has all of this foreshadowing and jumping around. She will have these things pop up, then she will not mention them for a while. It's like when you start to forget everything she ties it all together so nicely and it makes me want to read the book a second time to notice all of the little clues she drops throughout the book. The clues are all there but you can never piece them together until she does it for you. It is so amazing. I really like that style of writing in books and movies both. The kind where everything pieces together in the end. I always find it so cool and interesting. It is really a brilliant skill to have. I hope some day I will be able to write such complex stories.

Oh and the good news is I do not have Mono, but I do have strep. At least that can be cured with an anti-biotic. I am not sure if I will be going to school tomorrow or now. I have this terrible headache when I move and my throat is still sore. I took my first dose of anti-biotic this evening so I guess I will see how I feel in the morning. I probably should get ready for bed just in case.

The "Kissing Disease"

Well, today I stayed home sick. I came home miserable yesterday. The entire day I did such a great job of convincing everyone I felt fine. At the end of the day I finally started telling people I didn't feel well, but I don't know how much they believed it. It seems like I have been sick off and on for about a month. Yesterday really wiped me out though. I had a fever, chills, I thought my head was going to explode and everything hurt. I ended up skipping the optional cross country practice, but I didn go out there to tell coach. I really wanted to run, because it was such a nice day! It will probably be the last nice day for running for a long time. I woke up at one in the morning and I was so cold! I could not get warm for anything, so I took a very hot bath and hoped I wouldn't wake my parents up. I have been sleeping a lot off an on. It has not been continous sleep at all, but that's okay. I went to the doctor today. She said she thought it was Mono or Strep so she sent me to the hospital for some blood work and those STUPID strep tests! I hate those. I am not sure of which one I hate worse the blood work or the throat thing, but it actually went really easily for both of them so I guess I can't complain. It was relatively painless and I only gagged a little. I go through phases of feeling just a little sick and really sick. Right now I just feel achy and tired and the sore throat and headache, but when I get the chills and all that...I feel like I am dying, but I can be kind of a whimp when I am sick, so don't be alarmed.

The worst part about being sick is that I cannot focus enough to read my Harry Potter book. I was all excited when I would be staying home sick. I was all like, "oh I will sleep and read. It will be great!" It hasn't exactly been that great. It has been mostly just sitting staring at the clock, taking naps, and watchin some terrible tv. I guess it's better than school though. I was dissapointed to miss my Big Bro/ Big Sis appt with my little girl. I guess I will have to wait to see her until next week.
wow, this is a really lame post. I am sorry I do not have anything exciting from my day of staying home sick. Maybe staying home tomorrow will be more interesting or more restful.

Care*Less

Sometimes the people closest to me do not even value what I care about most. It can be really hard to be so deeply effected by things that other people do not even understand. It makes me wonder, what are my friends deeply effected by? Sometimes I wonder if they are really even spiritually effected by anything. It seems like all of the things that have helped me grow up the most are secrets or meaningless to my friends and sometimes family. I have grown so much from my trips to S.Dakota, the nursing home, and already my trips to visit my little sister through the big bro/big sis program. I barely talk to my friends or family about any of that. The stories I do tell them do not seem to affect them at all. I guess it is foolish of me to expect them to be impacted by my experiences like I have, but I feel like how could my friends possibly know me when they do not know the things that move me the most. On the same thought, what are they not telling me, because they fear my carelessness? Have they told me significant things that I have discredited?

Today at the nursing home I talked to the one lady for over 2 hours. Normally I split the two hours between two ladies, sometimes I stay 3 hours, but I talke to just one for 2 hours and 15 minutes. I couldn't believe it. I was touched by this woman's determination to communicate with the woman in the bed next to her. This woman next to her has had a severe stroke. She is not supposed to be able to understand or communicate with anyone. The woman I visit is determined that this woman can understand her. The nurses and even the stroke victim's daughter does not believe her. Today I witnessed her attempt to talk to her and the stroke victim would cough everytime she was spoken to or asked a question. Her eyes seemed very alert and she was attempting to mover her mouth. It kind of scared me, because the doctors insist she is not supposed to be able to communicate, but I swear it seemed like she was responding to this woman. The lady I visit insists it's a miracle and that God is with her. I do not know how I feel about that, but it felt special none the less. I do not even know that she was for sure understanding us, but it sure seemed like she was responding to us.

Tonight I carved a pumkin with my little sister and my Dad. It was rather fun. It was nice, because I was a little disgusted when I arrived home at only 4:15, and the family had already eaten and was all in seperate rooms. I was thinking "so much for family time" and I was only gone for at most 3 hours and it was only a little after four. I realize everyone is busy, but I was just shocked that I was forgotten during the short time I was volunteering.

I had a really fun time at my last cross country meet on Saturday. I am sad that it is all over. At least I have the souper run next week. We are still having optional practices, so I guess it is not all over. Oh and speaking of sad changes, I was informed how terrible my schedule is going to be next semester. They are trying to tell me I should change my second hour. That is my independent study class for writing. I really do not want to drop it, because not only is it my favorite class, but I like having an excuse to write all the time. I feel like I have matured a lot from writing so much. I hope everything works out. I am off to write a story for Lit Comp and call Brandon. I am not desperate I swear, he told me to call.

I should be doing homework... (it's easy to see my brother and I are related)

"Good is good and bad is bad, but you don't know which one you had." I had no intention of writing that, but I am listening to that Sheryl Crow song and that line kind of sums up what I am feeling. Everything is good, but sometimes I get in these moods where everything feels so crappy. Today was one of those days. It was just one of those crazy random days where everything feels terrible, and I wonder what is the point in trying. All day at school I just wanted to be in bed away from everyone. It really wasn't a God awful day, but it just seemed like all of the little things were going wrong. I have been feeling very frustrated

with my relationships with my friends. It is nothing personal to anyone, but I just feel like the relationships are taking too much effort. I think it is because we have all changed so much and are ready to all go our seperate ways, but at the same time feeling obliged to spend every second with eachother like we used to. It is like we all want to grow up, but not give up our childhood. Also when I said we have changed, I personally do not feel like I have changed, but I know I must have because I can see that all of my friends have, and they probably can't tell they have either. It is not necessarily bad changes, it is just different. That can be hard to get used to sometimes. I think we are all at different phases of our lives with different priorities. We try to jerk one another along on our dramatic changes, but the other person is too busy focusing on other things. It makes me sad, but I think it is really for the better. I say this, because I am not anxious to go to college at all. It terrifies me that I have to grow up so quickly. I have always been content with my family and my friends. I was in no hurry to rush off and find a totally new life on my own. Now, with all of the changes I think it will make college a healthier experiece for all of us. We will all be anxious to find people heading in our directions with our similiar priorities. I think it will be good for all of our relationships, because we will no longer feel the need to jerk the other ones into our phases. We will be able to do our own thing, yet still care about one another.

I was rejected to give blood today for my third time. It makes me sad, because I always get kind of anxious to give blood, but then when I get all ready to go something is always wrong. The first time I was sick. The second time I had low iron. The third time ( today) I was sick again. That kind of bummed me out also.

Today I went to a local elementary school for the Big Brother/ Big Sister program. I go there every Tuesday to spend time playing games and reading with a 7 year-old girl. She is very clingy and touchy-feely. She is a sweet girl, but she has no idea of how to behave sometimes. I met her little sister and saw them leave with their mother. I do not know why they were leaving school early, but just something about the whole situation made me get a bad feeling in my stomach. I felt sad about it.

After school went great. No complaints there. I was able to lie down a little and just listen to my music. It was really nice after such a day of feeling emotions of such weird, random things. I felt sad, guilty, angry, insuperior, and drained at all different times. I realize it most instances it wass no one's fault. It was just a weird day. It invoked some weird writing emotions though, maybe I will do some good independent study writing tonight... but I think I might just go to bed.

Jenny's Wedding

I remember you spiderweb bangs that were loaded with hairspray.

We loved those identical, teal dresses we wore with matching shoes.

I hated coffee, but we inhaled two cups together to keep us from getting tired.

You made me dump spoonfulls of sugar to cover up the bitterness.

We ran around the Jenny's reception maniacally,

dancing and spinning around to our favorite songs.

We laughed hysterically at Aunt Pat, the alcoholic's silly drunkenness.

I felt so left out watching you and my brother dance as a "couple."

I waited anxiously for the next fast song we could spin around to.

You were my best friend and cousin.

We would laugh together forever.

Now Jenny's been divorced and remarried since then.

Aunt Pat overdosed on Vikadin and Oxy Cotton.

We giggle nervously after all of the awkward silences.

I tell you I wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you,

but I have to let you go.

You giggle, "Thanks hun."

We sit in silence again. Waiting for eachother to speak.

I end the silence by telling you to "Take care."

We then hang up and end the 4 minutes and 13 seconds of hell we'd been living in.

Can I Scream Now?

I am having a hard time refraining from screaming at this exact moment. My stomach is all tight and I am forcing myself to take deep breaths. My visions is a little blurred from being at my mom's computer for hours. I worked all day on my application for
U-M. It is all ready to go. I fixed up my essays, filled in all of the information they require, and then I went to the application inspector. It kept telling me I had left address information blank. The application said if my permanent address was the same as my current address, then I did not have to fill that stuff out. It kept telling me I had incomplete stuff. I tried everything. I would fill what it said I was missing in, then it would come up with more address stuff missing, such as my foreign address. It was very frustrating. I finally broke down and typed in my same address for my Permanent, current, and foreign address. It then accepted everything. I then had my mom check my essays one last time. She found all of these errors. That really stressed me out, because I have had those looked at by other people. I guess the only good news is that tomorrow if I get my essays fixed up, I should be able to send in the U-M application. Now, my State essay has been ready to go. I had it corrected 3 times by ms. eddy. I turned it in for Lit Comp to have my other teacher look at it. He said he really liked it and wanted a copy, BUT he thought the one part didn't go with what I was saying. I made changes to that, but now I also have to have ms. eddy look over it for me tomorrow. It will be a busy day in IND STUDY and a busy day at home trying to send all of the applications in. It really makes me angry, because they were supposed to be ready to go TODAY. I think the fact that I have a cold and my head is congested is why I feel so cranky about all of this. It is just so frustrating because I have been working on these for weeks and everyone keeps telling me how important it all is. Yuck! That is all I have left to say about all of it.

I have been trying my best all weekend to recover from my cold by tomorrow. We have a blood drive on Tuesday and in order for me to give blood I have to be recovered for 24 hours. It wouldn't be that upsetting, except this wil lbe my third attempt to give blood. I was rejected the first 2 times. If I am rejected again I will be upset. The first time I had a cold so they would not allow me to give. The second time they told me my iron was low. I have been taking vitamins with iron so I would be able to give this time. If it turns out I can't because of this cold I will be sad.

I kind of layed low this weekend. I enjoyed that being sick and all. I just didn't feel like doing anything. I did run a cross country meet Saturday. It actually went pretty well for being sick and all. I felt good afterwards. Friday I watched "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants". I really liked it. I think it was cool because it was like 4 coming of age stories as 1. As you can tell from my project I am still working on, I really enjoy coming of age stories.

I feel like I still have a million things to do. I did not go to the nursing home today. I feel bad about that. I wish I could manage my time better, but I have a cold too. It probably wouldn't be good for me to go to the nursing home anyways. At least I have made a lot of progress on my college applications. They still aren't getting submitted. Wow, I need to get my act together.

Am I a Slacker?

I know that I am not a slacker. I must say that I have been feeling like one this week. This is my list of reasons: I haven't had much homework, we had no school Monday, I missed classes Tuesday to talk to English classes about donating blood for our school blood drive, I missed the afternoon Tuesday for an Independent Study Field trip, and I got out at 11:19 today for a cross country meet. I haven't had a full day all week. I feel kind of guilty, but I have loved every second of it. The thing is, it is not just this week. This entire year is going so much smoother than last year. I worry that college will be too much of a shock from this, because I am not stressed enough. I still have had about one stressful night a week, but that's compared to like seven last year. I have been keeping very busy though, so I do not feel like a total slacker. I guess it is a good change to be doing things I actually want to be doing instead of just things I should be. I am working on making my visits to the nursing home more regular. I also started doing Big Brother Big Sister this week. I met my "little sister" on Tuesday. She is funny. I like her, but she is very needy for attention. I have also been instructed to keep my hair in a ponytail for hygiene purposes I find kids so entertaining. I did some babysitting on Tuesday. It went pretty well, but the one kid had an accident and I always freak out on what to do with stuff like that. I can play with kids no problem, but responsibility makes me nervous.

I went to college night last night and a thing at Carter Rehab about Physical Therapy. I get really scared thinking about that far into the future. Everyone made it sound attainable. The lady from U-M remebered me. That kind of makes me feel good, because she meets so many kids.

For independent study I have been going over all of my writing from this first nine weeks. I am really surprised that I can actually see some growth in my writing. I honestly did not think that all of the stuff I do for that class was helping at all. I think my voice is getting stronger and I am getting more honest in my pieces as well. I am beginning to realize I really don't have anything to hide. It's my writing. I can write what I want. I am looking forward to where my writing will go in another nine weeks.
I am hoping to do some writing tonight before ER comes on. I also have a little bit of Lit Comp, but it is only a 30 minute time writing so I know if I don't get it done I can do it in IND STUDY tomorrow. It can't take longer than 30 minutes so that is a good thing. I will probably do it tonight since I don't have a whole lot to do. This weekend I am definately finishing my college Applications. I have saved Saturday for this. I have told everyone I am not doing anything Saturday. I need to stick to this too. I am hoping by telling everyone my plan, that I will stick to it! I am really close to being done. I just have touchups to make. Oh how I love college essays! Especially the ones that have been haunting me for months! It will be marvelous to have them over with!

My Awesome Saturday

Yesterday was a really nice day. I thought things were going to be bad, when my alarm clock was set wrong and I woke up at 5:20 am instead of 6:20 am and got ready for my meet. I was able to go back to sleep a little bit though. I had my cross country meet. I got my P.R. (Personal Record) by nearly 30 seconds. I was unusually excited about that for multiple reasons. One is that for the past two races I have been at least 30 seconds slower than my P.R., the other reason is that I was passed by a girl right before the finish line. I was so unbelievably dead I was going to let her pass me, because I felt like I had nothing left. Then I saw the clock and how close I was to the finish...then my competitivness took over. I sprinted as hard as I could and burned the girl with room to spare! It felt great mentally, but I thought I was going to puke physically. Those kind of races are always the worst physically, but feel the best emotionally. I was really excited to have improved by so much. I came in 56th place. I was kind of dissapointed because the top 50 medalled (There were well over 100 runners). That is the closest I have come to a medal, but at least I know it was my best performance.

After my meet, I went to the U-M Vs Penn State game with Brandon. It was so much fun. I had never been to a U-M game before. There were over 111,000 people. It was such a surreal feeling. I looked around and saw flocks of yellow shirts. It was very overwhelming, but fun. Plus it was an insane game. U-M coming back from losing in the LAST second! It was amazing. The stadium was so loud. I had fun doing all of the cheers the student section does.

After that we got stuck in traffic. I was sad, because I thought I was going to miss Seth Myers (The cute guys from Saturday Night Live). He was in Adrian for some reason performing last night. I ended up missing the performance, but I did get to swing by and get his autograph, a picture, and even talk with him a little. It was so much fun and he was such a cool guy!

Brandon and I then went to dinner and things went really well. We have a really great connection. I haven't decided what will come of our friendship, but I am enjoying his company. Today I went to watch my old soccer team. It was so weird to watch them play without being a part of it. I miss everyone a lot, but I realized I am happy doing everything I am doing now. I was missing how things used to be, but things are not like that on the team anymore. They are not nearly as close as say my freshman or sophomore year. I started to notice the change last year when I played. I have great memories from that team, but things change and I just have to deal with it. I am happy with my cross country team. I am so excited to be off shcool tomorrow. I really need to finish college essays, do homework, volunteer ( I skipped going today:-( ), and I have practice. I also am planning on going to lunch with Brandon. I am sure everyone is sick of hearing about how well things are going for me so I guess I am done blogging. Oh wait... I am sad I didn't see my brother much this weekend, but I guess he'll be home another weekend. I'm off to watch Desperate Housewives.

Lisa Loeb Concert

Last night was the Lisa Loeb concert that I had been waiting for. I was so excited about it. I was worried that it was going to be a let down, because I always get myself too excited for things and then they aren't as great as I expect. This was not like that at all. It was everything I expected and even better. I must say I like Lisa Loeb even more now that I have seen her live. It was just her and her guitar on stage. No loud drums or backup singers to distract me. It was all her. She was not only extremely talented and sounded the exact same as she does on her CD's, but she was hilarious in between songs. I bought a shirt and I was able to get it signed afterwards. I was really excited. She was so short. Sarah, Kristin, and I were obviously the youngest ones there. We were asked our age several times. They were embarrassed, but I told them to embrace it. Lisa Loeb was like "Oh are you guys all friends?" because the three of us took a picture with her. Then she said, "Oh you guys are cute." That was the extent of our conversation. I, of course told her how awesome she was, but I didn't want to hold up the line so that was all I said.

I was worried Sarah, Kristin, and I would get tired and cranky, but we all were super hyper and they both said they had a blast as well. After the show we met up with Kristin's brother John and my brother and his boyfriend. It was really fun. We didn't leave Ann Arbor until 12:15. Then the drive home and all was a blast. We were still really giddy and excited from the concert. I got home and went to bed at 1:30. I woke up at 6:30 and actually did okay getting through the day. I had to make some tea at lunch to take to 5th hour, but it all worked out. I don't have any homework except, IND Study tonight. I think I am going to try to go to bed at like 8, because I am exhausted.

Well, the rest of the week is going to be busy. I am not sure when I will get to post next, but I had to rave about my Lisa Loeb conert. It was the best concert I have been too. I am aware I have not been to that many concerts, but none the less, I would pay to see her again next time she comes close by. I am actually in the mood to write (I haven't felt like it in a while). Maybe tonight I will actually write something of quality instead of the crap I've been writing.

I Do

I do.
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans..
.---Re-post this if you believe in legalizing gay marriage.

"There's beauty in the breakdown"

I had a really nice weekend. I feel good about everything that happened. Friday was such a perfect day. I couldn't have asked for things to have gone any better. Everything went so smoothely. Even my hair appointment was on time and simple. The assembly went well. I was mentioned in four of my friends' "little questionaire" they would read as we walked out. I felt really honored. My friends all looked gorgeous. Brandon came home from school just to drive me in his convertible. I felt really special for him to do that. I saw my grandparents at Applebees with the entire court. I was able to go an talk to them while I was all dressed up. Adam came home, my grandma, uncle, and tons of family friends came. I felt really important and appreciated by everyone. Sometimes everyones lives get so busy I forget to appreciate all of the people that care about me. I got to see numerous people that graduated last year. It made me really sad to see how they were no longer in the student section and how sad they were to see that some of their friends didn't make it back. It made me realize next year at this time I won't get so see a lot of my friends. Some of my closest friends have already established they are not coming home for homecoming. It was very sad to see how much things are changing, but it was beautiful to see everyone spreading their wings and coming back to give me one last hug. I had such a nice time with my family and friends Friday night I stayed up until nearly 2 am. Then I had to wake up Saturday morning to run a cross country meet. I did better than I thought I would in the race, but I still did not run my best time. It was still a fun day. On the bus ride home I had heard one of my good friends had been crying. She was acting fine, but I thought I would make sure she was okay. She started to cry when I asked her what was wrong, so I told her she didn't have to tell me about it. We jsut talked about other stuff, but then all of the real problems came out and she totally broke down. I felt really bad, but I told her she had to stop keeping everything to herself. She never tells anyone what is really going on in her life and she acts so happy ALL of the time. I think she felt better. It was really a bonding experience and it was kind of a beatiful breakdown. It showed she was vulnerable and not as perfect as she tries to be. I think it really made me realize that everyone needs help from people. As much as I hate people in general sometimes, they really can be truly amazing. Our feelings are so amazingly intricate. It really is beautiful. Not to be cliche and mention the garden state song, but there really is "beauty in the breakdown".

Homecoming

This week is homecoming. I was really excited, but I am beginning to not be as excited. I think it is because everyone is taking it so seriously. I thought it was just supposed to be for fun. I guess, everyone's competitive side is coming out. It is making me sad though. I was just excited to get a day off to dress up with my friends and get free food, plus ride in a convertible...but now it seems like everyone is taking it seriously and getting upset with eachother. I am worried that it has gotten personal for everyone. I am also saddened by the fact that Adam can't make it home. I know it's not his fault, but it just doesn't seem fair. All of my friends were talking about their brothers coming home and they all are further away. They all asked me why my brother wasn't coming home. I told them he has a class and it went too late for us to go pick him up and he doesn't have a car. It's mostly true.

Tomorrow is a meet at Bedford. It's supposed to be really hot, just what I don't want for a meet...then Friday is supposed to be really cold, just what I don't want for the homecoming parade. If it doesn't rain I will be happy though.

Last night I got lost. Yes, pathetic in my small town, but it was very scary. I was at the fair grounds building our float. I offered this girl I do not know very well a ride. She lived in a place I was really not familiar with at all... somehow I ended up on a dirt rode in the middle of nowhere turns out it was by the prison. I was scared to death, because of course I did not have my cell phone. After multiple time of turning different ways, I was very shaken up and I miraculous ended up by my Uncle Dick's house. He is actually my great & half-uncle. (My grandma's half brother). He answered the door in his underwear and I felt terribly stupid asking to use his phone and trying to explain the situation. "You been crying?" was his exact quote when I told him I had been lost. I had not been crying I was just very shakin up is all. Plus I felt really sick. When I got home I thought I was going to vomit and my head was throbbing. I wasn't sure if it was what I ate for dinner, being so nervous, or really bad cramps. I found out today 3 other girls on the cross country team had similiar symptoms last night. I wonder what it was. I feel better now though.
I can't complain too much, I am just feeling kind of sad about how homecoming is turning out. Maybe it will surprise me and jsut bea really fun day. I am excited for the parade and lunch! Plus I can't wait to go jewelry shopping with my mom beforehand.