Burning in Hell

It is getting more and more challenging for me to believe in anything along the lines of religion. I believe in some type of goodness that connects humanity to one another. I still feel the idea that someone is always watching me and judging my thoughts. It makes me paranoid and constantly feeling guilt, because I think I need to show shame and sorrow for any bad thoughts I have, despite the fact that I never act on them. Everyone has bad thoughts that they control. I just feel bad about mine, because I remember so passionately repeating the prayer of repentance at church where it asks for forgiveness for sins in our THOUGHTS and in our words. I took that very literally growing up. Ever since I can remember, I have tried to have "perfect" thoughts for this angry masculine God that everyone told me about, because I did not want to burn in Hell.

Speaking of Hell, I don't believe in it. I don't know what I believe about the afterlife or if it even exists, but I find Hell to be very contradictory to all Religions' central focus of love. If this universal God really is so loving and compassionate above any human ability, then how could people be sent to an eternity of suffering? Life is suffering enough. Is it really necessary to add fire? Now, people constantly remind me, "What about Hitler? He should go to Hell." I agree that personally, in my humanness, I would like to think that someone as cold and cruel as Hitler would suffer tremendously for what he did. I would like to remind you that I am not God (in case you forgot). Even I feel a little bad about anyone (even Hitler) burning forever. It's really a cruel way to punish people. If God is as above humanity as I have been told, then this universal God should feel compassion and understanding for Hitler's sick upbringing and mental issues (even though, I sure as hell don't). The same type of compassion should be displayed with all people who most would consider evil or bad. Sure, there are some people out there that do some TERRIBLE things that I can't imagine one human being could do to another. I can't stand to think about the terrible things people do to each other. In my humanness I wish there was a way to have them feel what they have done to other people, but isn't revenge a human emotion? So where does Hell fit in? It doesn't.

I had a dream last night that I was in some sort of circle at a party with a few religious people. I made some irreverent comment about religion, and everyone grew very angry with me. They kept telling me how wrong I was and that I better pray for forgiveness if I didn't want to go to Hell. I felt guilt in my dream, but then I remember I was trying to stand up for myself anyway, despite feeling bad about what I said (I don't even remember what I said. The dream was more focused on the reaction). I kept stuttering and stammering, trying to defend my actions, but they weren't getting it. They were just making me feel worse about it. The dream ended with me alone in my dorm room feeling like there was no one to pray to, and that resulted from my actual feeling last night when I was alone before bed. It must have carried over into my dream. Everything is going fine right now, but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I had a great time at theo folk festival. I really liked all of the acts, but especially Jackie Greene, Martha Wainwright, and Rufus. They were all amazing. The sound was really good at Hill. It was one of the most lovely evenings I have had in quite a while. I don't really have a ton of work to do this weekend, but I feel like I am not doing enough. I am feeling like I should be doing more. It is just that awful idea that I have to be suffering and working really hard to earn happiness, good grades, or whatever it is that I want. Everything has a price, right?