Wild Mind

I have been in a very strange mood the last week and a half, but especially the last few days. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Once I get to sleep I am okay, but my mind has been racing for days. Last night I was so tired, but all I wanted to do was think. I tried to read for class around 1am. I was able to force myself to get through the story, but barely. I then wrote for a while to clear my head, but I then decided at 1:45 I would listen to my ipod and just lay there on the couch for fifteen minutes and go to bed at two. That somehow turned into an hour of listening to music until 3am. My mind was still racing, but I decided to go to bed, because I had to wake up at 9. I tossed and turned for probably another hour, but I lost count and decided to change my alarm to 9:30am. I expected to be groggy and grumpy this morning, because I had been feeling so low and I slept even less the night before. Usually two sleepless nights makes me crazy, but I actually felt okay when I woke up. My mind started racing again. It has been since. I worked out so intensely today though. It was probably my best work out since I have come to school. I put on some weight since I came here... as most people know. I think I am losing it though. I think because my mind was so distracted that I was able to just push myself beyond what I normall would. It helped clear my mind for about ten minutes, but it felt good. I now have homework to do, but I am tired and I know I won't be able to sleep again, so I might as well save it for later. I don't know that I could concentrate if I wanted to anyway.


I have been doing so much writing these days and nights where my mind is wild. I love it, because I have missed writing so much, but I can't focus on anything else. I will be at the library or in the study room and I just end up writing for fun, because I can't focus on my homework. I feel like I have been on caffeine for days, but I haven't had any since Sunday night. I just feel jittery and tired, but my mind won't slow down. I am relieved to have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, because I think he will be able to help me. Things have turned very dark and unhealthy somewhere since my last appointment, and I don't know why. I am not necessarily unhappy, because I honestly had a great timeand felt happy in Ann Arbor. It was such a nice break from normality. It felt great to spend time with Adam, and I got to see Kristin for a little bit, plus the concert was everything I hoped it would be. I was especially impressed with Jackie Greene and Martha Wainwright. It was very entertaining though. It was also great to become a little more comfortable with my former Bio instructor since I am supposed to start tracking with her this Friday. I am still pretty nervous, but at least I know how laid back she is now. I think she will be understanding and that will be good to help build my confidence.

Things are so weird. I am blown away with how things happen and work out. Last night I received a phone call from a friend of a friend inviting me to some type of nun training conference that is open to outsiders. I am so fed up with religion right now, but I am actually considering it just because I can attend it as a non-Catholic and observe. I thought that I have not changed much in my thoughts when people told me that I had, because I thought that I had just grown more comfortable with expressing them, but that they were always there. Now I am thinking that they are right. I have changed, and I like it. I would not want to go back to last year after having learned everything I have now. I am beginning to see more and more truth everyday. The truth can hurt, but it is better to live with more sadness and truth, then illusion because then the happy moments that come around are really mine to own. Not that I was't ever happy last year, but I feel like a lot of my happiness last year may have been happiness built on illusions, because I was too afraid to see things for what they were. I did not own my happiness and I denied any dissatisfaction in hopes it would go away. It doesn't just go away. I have to face it head on. I am doing that and seeing things for what they are more and more. I think everyone needs to strip down all of their false securities and just dive in to everything they are avoiding...with the help of a trained professional, of course. I hope that by stripping down all of my pride and image that I can come back stronger and more complex. If only my complex thoughts could tone it down before 4am so I can sleep like a normal person, or at least do homework. Just think, if I was doing homework all that time, I would be kicking ass in my classes.