Pessimism

Everything has been going abnormally well, but now I feel like something bad is going to happen. I feel very nervous and culpable at this exact moment. It just came out of nowhere, because I was just feeling so happy and thinking about how well things were going. I don’t know why this happens. I was just thinking about how well I was doing, so well in fact that my therapist decided to reduce my appointments to every other week. When I was remembering this, I felt proud. He said that I was very perceptive of my own feelings, and that I seemed to be able to come up with the answers of what I should do on my own. He identified my problem of not trusting myself, and he gave me a few things to practice towards dealing with that, but now I still feel unequipped to deal with everything on my own. I started feeling panicky when I thought about not going to therapy. The last two times I had breaks from therapy, I saw a noticeable drop in my mood. Granted, they were longer time periods off of therapy, but it scares me where my mind can carry me when I’m alone. I love being alone and letting my mind wander, though. It is like I am a daredevil that is reckless with my thoughts. I just jump into any dangerous thought process like I am unbreakable. Is it stupidity or bravery? I do not know.

I identified certain mixed messages I have been sent, as well as my pattern of seeking two negative messages (usually in the form of guilt) but then allowing myself to find one positive message. It is obsessive the way that I do this subconsciously. I know how people will respond to different things, so I am able to continuously seek the same pattern of two negatives followed by a positive. It is not a healthy way to live, but maybe identifying it will hopefully help me change this. It is tough though, because I do it without thinking.

I am disappointed that I did not hear back from the priest at church. I e-mailed him an e-mail complaining about the homophobic pamphlet that I found outside of his office. It disappointed me, because I had heard such good things about him being accepting. The e-mail I sent was not condescending. I thought I was able to be strong and express my opinions, but still convey that I cared and admired him. I told him that I thought it reflected our church poorly. I don’t know if it was naïve of me to think that he would respond. It might have been me trying to live in my childhood, where I trusted the church to save me and lead me with what was right or wrong. I knew they made a mistake, but I think my trust and love for child-like faith led me to believe they would rise above it and display humility. Now, I don’t know that I want to return to church for a while. I want to wait until I can look the priest in the eyes and not feel ashamed. I don’t know why I feel ashamed. It might be because he now knows that I am not the “perfect smiling girl” that would sit in the balcony alone at mass on Saturday nights. I know deep down though that I should not be embarrassed for expressing my beliefs, but I feel ashamed nonetheless. Maybe it is that I feel humiliated for being naïve enough to think the church I grew up in, or any church could be humble and rise above politics. I don’t know why I am not content with my own beliefs. I guess it goes back to me not trusting myself. I need to feel like I fit in a group in order to feel validated in my beliefs, but no one religion can provide that. I know that I am spiritual. I love people and believe in something bigger connecting us, but I think I feel the need to pick a label because everyone else is so concerned about giving me a label. Get over it that I don’t call myself a Christian anymore and I am not a goddamn atheist…apparently that makes me an agnostic according to everyone else. Guess what, agnostic is just a label for a bunch of misfits that can’t claim a religion or don’t care enough to pick something. I am definitely a misfit with religion, but it is not because I do not care to pick a side. It is the fact that I don’t think either side is right. I think they are both missing a lot. Do I really need to pick a label to make everyone feel better about where I am? I don’t think that makes me an agnostic. An agnostic says maybe to it all, but I say No to it all. I say there is something more beautiful that everyone is missing. I know people who have found what I am seeking through religion and others who have found it through atheism. I think that is fantastic, but I do not think that claiming a label is what makes them feel awakened to the beauty. I think maybe it helps them explain it to people who don’t get it, but I think me not claiming a label is the best thing I can do for me. I should tell everyone to F-off, but unfortunately I stammer and stutter trying to defend my beliefs while they go assessing me and telling me which group I belong in. I have honestly heard it all,

“Aimee, you are a Catholic/Christian. You have very Catholic/Christian beliefs and practices. Why are you trying to deny that?”

“Aimee, just admit you are an atheist. Seriously, you are just clinging to Christianity out of fear.”

"Aimee, you are agnostic. Stop trying to be an individual, when really you are just agnostic."


It is all so shallow and draining.

On a lighter note, I got a job as an assistant to my Biology lab instructor. I will be helping her track wolves to see if they are migrating from the U.P down the lower. I am really nervous and not very confident about it, but I am excited because I am hoping that it will be just what I need to give me extra confidence, and it will give me more of a sense of purpose up at school.