Aging Friendships

I am having a hard time with the evolution of friendships. All of my friends are growing up, moving on with their lives. I have friends all over the country (world even, in some cases). Everyone is at the stage in their life where they are establishing roots in different places with different people. I'm not very good at moving on. In reality, I have made several new friends over the years, but I've let very few friends go. I don't forget people easily. I've always felt like I love people more than they love me. I guess, I assume I'm overly dependent on people. This is probably not true. It's just a part of my distorted, overly sensitive thinking.

It just seems that everything has changed so fast and all at once. Friends moving across the country, developing serious relationships that consume their lives. Even my friends around MI are getting careers, coupling off. Friends are having kids that are their new priority. They all have much less time to sit around and talk about meaningful things. They have less time to return phone calls, respond to e-mails, or even facebook a hello from time to time. I know my friends still love me and I love them. It's just heartbreaking to think that at one time I thought I couldn't live without these people, and now, I am barely a part of their life. That scares me. I think about the close friends I need in my life right now and fear what is in our future. It's emotionally draining to put so much effort into friendships, and it seems the older I get, the more effort it takes to receive half of the benefits.

Sister Pat is 74-years-old. She told me she loves being that age, because everyone in her life is without a doubt a real friend. She doesn't have to worry about friendships fading, because if they have lasted this long, then they're bound to last forever. However, then of course, one has to worry about death of close friends. Life seems so cruel in the sense that everyone you feel that is essential to life will die if you don't die first. That's a little disheartening. The memoir I just finished was about two women with an intense friendship similar to my friendship with Laura. The one friend died, and I nearly broke down in the library. I can't imagine the pain of living without the people I need in my life. I've experienced some death in my life, and grieved for loved ones. I understand that the pain never goes away, but it somehow heals a bit. That person is always a part of your life, though, and I guess that's pretty powerful to think we impact each other so much. Yet, the idea of having to live without the physical presence of people who give me reasons for living is almost too much for me to even think about.

Maybe it's too much for most people to think about, which is why there is so much death anxiety around us. Most people on the surface-level don't believe they think about death that often or that they are that afraid of it. I took a class on death and dying though, and we discussed how death anxiety impacts our daily actions. It's incredible the way our subconscious has so much power and our drive to live as human beings is so strong.

Are friendships better with age? I have to believe they are, because they are stronger and more reliable. Yet, there is so much struggle and sacrifice to maintain smaller bits of a friendship with time. It seems like the older I get, the better I have to become at saying goodbye. I miss people the most when I am with them and reminded how much I benefit from their presence in my life. Then they are ripped away from me again. Do we become more callused to goodbyes as we age? I can't imagine each goodbye continuing to hurt so badly. I feel like I'm better at shaking it off than I used to be, but it still breaks my heart every time. I guess, all I can do is be thankful to have so many wonderful people in my life, and still accept the loneliness and sadness that comes along with joy of loving someone.