I had a wonderful time down South. I forgot how great Laura and I get along and how much better the sunshine can make me feel. I am feeling down again now that I am back in MI, but I was at least reminded I can be healthy.
I'm reading a wonderful memoir by Gail Caldwell called Let's Take the Long Way Home. Laura gave it to me for Christmas. It is a memoir about two women with a very intense, life-changing friendship. It has been helpful, because I have told her many times we don't have a lot of models for our friendship. Outsiders all form their own opinions, but it doesn't seem to accurately define our relationship. The book is beautifully written, but I connect a little too much with the writer. She's one of those permanently single writers that casually dates, but never gets attached to anyone. I fear that will be my future. It doesn't help that I talked to my ex-boyfriend and he sounds really happy with a new girlfriend. I really am happy for him. She sounds wonderful, and I am glad that he is moving on with his life. However, I couldn't help but think, "There's another great guy I let go. Will I ever find someone or will I be alone forever?" I think that I will probably be alone forever. For some reason that makes people uncomfortable in our society.
My therapist continuously reminds me that writers do not live ordinary lives, and that I need to accept that I am different than most and just live my life instead of worrying what it looks like to outsiders. It's hard because I was raised to believe what other people believe is more important and more valid than what I do. Image is very big in my family. I wasn't a toddler in a tiara for no reason, as my therapist teases. I learned very young how to get what I want by acting in ways that people liked. I take a sick sort of pride in the way I can win most people over. I am slowly unlearning this sick pushover behavior and learning to be myself. People can take it or leave it. It's much easier said than done.
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