Sometimes...

Sometimes I think people are more interested in their theory of who I am, rather than actually knowing who I am.

Almost There

I can't wait for break to get here. I am tired of school, but at the same time I haven't had nearly as much to be tired about this year. I think I might be getting a virus to go along with my anti-biotic. I really don't know what is wrong with me. Today I stopped by to visit my little sister (the one through Big Bro/Big Sis). She was so sweet today. I was impressed by how she has matured in such a short time. Her ninth birthday was on December 5th. I missed hearing about it because I was sick last week when I was supposed to visit her. My mom bought her this really cute sweatshirt with a monkey keychain attached. I was all worried that it wouldn't fit or she wouldn't like it, but it fit her and she loved it! We played with the monkey keychain too. We made him knock over all of the blocks and silly things like that. I actually had a blast doing those things. I am such a kid at heart. She was so polite opening the gift. She opened the card first and said thankyou many times. I was so impressed. She gave me so many hugs it was adorable. I love kids when they are sweet like that.

So I had another vase blow up in ceramics, which almost resulted in an undercover temper-tantrum. Luckily Mr. Bytwork was nice enough to allow me to stay into seventh hour and then helped me one-on-one make another one. If this next one blows it will blow my grade along with it. It is just too late to make another one before the end of the semester.

Ashlee has an orchestra concert tonight. I suppose I will go, although I am not crazy about squeaky violins. I might need a nap now, in order to do that.

I am supposed to be past having boy drama for this year. I thought I was very clear that this was to be a no more boy confusion time. I was told yesterday that Brandon has been "talking" with my only other ex-boyfriend's girlfriend. Yes, twisted indeed. Now, Brandon and I are not dating so I should not care. I told him he could see other people. I guess when I said that, I was expecting like college girls, not someone a year younger than me who is dating the only other guy, besides Brandon, that I ever dated. The reason I was kind of angry was because this whole line he always tells me about "I'm real," and I believe him everytime, but then stupid little rumors always lead me to doubt him. It makes me wonder if I ever really believe him to begin with. It just made me think, that really he hasn't grown up like I thought he had, and maybe I haven't either. I thought we had both grown up for the better, but this leads me to believe things are the same as they have always been between us. He came over just Friday and told me how he missed me and comes home to see "his family, Justin, and me," There was enver anything about this other girl (Whom I happen to like I might add). So it makes me question his "I'm real and have nothing to hide" claims. I haven't decided whether to talk to him about it or just give up on it all. I suppose I will have to talk to him about it sometime soon, since we are supposed to hang out over Christmas. It just confuses me is all and I hate feeling like a naive fool. Oh well, "This too...shall pass." I'm off to take a nap.

Snow Day

Today was a snow day and for that, I am thankful! I have a ton of homework still, because unfortunately my teachers planned on a snowday and gave me work due Monday, and lots of it. I found this very dissapointing with sub-deb being this weekend. I am very excited for subdeb. We are taking a very hot party bus and Leslie and I burnt a cd full of hot bus songs, such as "The Venga Bus" by the Venga Boys and "Back of the bus" OutKast. It should be a ghettofabulous evening. As subdeb always is. Good times of very loud rap music, pure chaos, and a steaming hot dance floor (literally).

This evening I went to a party with my mom, sister, and other teachers that she teaches with. We froze outside for the "Parade of Lights" Afterwards we went to a home for food. I had a nice time, but I always get in weird moods after talking a lot with people I do not know very well, where I worry too much. Questions like, "Did I talk to much?" or "Did I sound like an idiot when I said this..." all run through my head. I am getting better and reassuring myself I am allowed to have a good time and be real. I don't need to be so conservative that I am fake. I know everything was fine, but I am working on eliminating those questions completely.

I have been doing a lot of writing for IND Study as I may have mentioned before. I am growing excited with some of my stories that I have come up with. For the longest time I was having a terrible time creating anything original that I was passionate about. I kept complaing that all of my stories were "cheesy". ms eddy told me that I just needed to create characters that Iwas passionate about so I could have more of their background and make readers care about them too. I also was stressing about length. I would write like mad on a good idea get to like 20 pages and then be like "Where am I going with this?" Then I never touch it again. Or I would be like, "I have to make this a long story" and get stuck because I would be trying to create something that wasn't there. I am getting more and more excited about my portfolio with every meeting I have with ms. eddy. I just hope it all comes together and is something I am really proud of.

I attended a group prayer meeting today for lunch since we had the day off. I was not sure I wanted to go, but I am really glad I did. I found out a friend of mine from fifth grade and middle school, her father died last night. It is really sad, because this girl has kind of dropped out of school and been in trouble with drugs. Her father was really dissapointed by all of this and now he is gone. I heard she is experiencing a lot of guilt, because she hurt him so badly and now he is gone before she could fix it. I hope this will motivate her to change her lifestyle, because she really has a lot of potential. She has set herself back a couple of years, but I think she could use this to get her life back. I hope that this will help her see how fragile life is, instead of sending her into a deeper darkness. I can't stop worrying about her. Although I don't see her much anymore, I am hoping I can attend the service, but I know it will probably be during school. I would at least like to go to the visitation. It is just another example of making sure to live the life you want to be living, because regret is not a feeling you can get rid of or change.

The Conclusion

Well, today I went to the doctor. I am on an anti-biotic, yet again...they think I never got better is the deal. The bacteria must me immune to the weaker doses, they said that they have seen several cases lately of strep resisting the anti-biotic. I am hoping third time is a charm. The good news is, that I am probably not even contagious...since I have been on anti-biotic twice now. This new one I have to take 3 times a day for 14 days. That will be a pain, but if it gets me healthy again it is worth it.

I had a nice long discussion with ms. eddy today...really long...about my writing and everything. I feel much better after doing so. I feel like I will be able to pull it all together somehow. I think I was just setting unreal expectations for my writing. I was rather frustrated with my friends again today. Nothing huge, just little things. It just makes me see how we all need to go our seperate ways. It wasn't anything catty like usual, it was just one of those days where everyone was grumpy and not communicating with eachother and it made me frustrated, even though my day was fine, except for being sick.

I have come to the conclusion that everything will be okay. It's a big conclusion, that I have always known. I just decided that everything will turn out in the future. I will adapt, so I need to stop worrying about whether or not I get accepted to U-M or if I get a stupid B in ceramics. I am just living my life the best I know how and I will just have to deal with what I am dealt...or that I deal myself. I am unsure of the whole fate V self theory. I just know that if things get sucky...I will get through it. If things aren't sucky, then I will enjoy it. Those are the only options I have. I am going to bed early tonight. I am very tired...I think it's the whole sick thing.

I'm sick...yet again

Well, I am sick again for the third time in a short time period. I was panicking that I had a week immune system or something was wrong with me, but then I remembered the lady at the nursing home was sick last week and she was coughing all over her hand. Then I grabbed hold of her hand before I left...that's just common sense I guess. So on another sucky tangent, my vase blew up in ceramics. I have had so many things ruined in there. I don't think I can get an A at this point. My vase was my best one yet, probably because he helped me so much with it. Then it blew...that blows haha.

A lot has happened over the past week. Most importantly, Brandon and I are no longer formally dating. He brought up the one night that he like me a lot and that he wanted to wait until we were both ready to commit to a serious relationship. He said he didn't want to mess up a good thing by rushing. That is exactly how I felt and what I had been saying. I was a little taken back by the fact that he suggested the whole waiting to get serious thing. I thought I would be the one to bring that up, but I guess it is good we are on the same level. So we are still talking on the phone a lot and planning on hanging out over Christmas. Everything is basically the same with no pressure. I like it. We both agreed we could casually see other people as well. I went on a "group date" with a friend of mine, his girlfriend, his cousin, and a couple of other friends. It was nice. I had fun. Sub deb is this Saturday and I am very excited. The group I am going with has over 20 people and we rented this "party bus" with leather seats and colored lights. It should be a blast!

I have been e-mailing a girl who is a freshman at U-M. She was in my math class for 2 years, but we never talked much. She has been very helpful telling me about U-M and her portfolio last year for Ind. Study. We have the same type of humor, so I have been getting a kick out of her e-mails and wondering why we never talked at school last year? It is weird how some of my best friends from last years senior class and I barely keep in touch. Then some of the people I barely talked to, I have been running in to and talking with quite a bit. I have been writing A LOT because I am stressing about what I will include in my portfolio. I want it to be stuff I am proud of, but I am just not sure which pieces yet. I hope ms. eddy will be able to help me with all of that.

My friend Leslie, signed me up for a spray on tan with her. (I won a free one from afterprom last year.) I am scared I will turn out orange, but my friend Erika always looks good when she gets them. I am also a little nervous about the whole standing there in my underwear while a woman sprays me down. That is going to be very uncomfortable.

Also, last week I found out my cousin is pregnant. She and I used to be best friends growing up. She is 1 year and half older than I and a year and a half younger than my brother...so it was like perfect when the three of us would hang out. I am so dissapointed, because I feel like she probably did not take the proper precautions. She probably was like "oh so what if I get pregnant?" She is not even dating this guy...he is in the service and he is not even taking responsibility for it. The thing I think I am mad about...is that she is excited. It is just so careless and foolish. Her life will never be the same again. At nineteen she is going to be forced to grow up. I doubt she will go back to school either. I guess it's her life though. I just pray she can handle it and that the kid grows up okay. I know my Aunt and Uncle will make sure it does. I'm off to dinner.