I am listening to this song I just discovered by the Cardigans called "I live and I learn." I discovered it, because it was on Grey's Anatomy. I am really enjoying it. I don't even know what type of genre it would be. I just like the lyrics a lot. I recommend it. Not that anyone will listen to it, but just so you can say you have heard of it. I also have been really enjoying this Jimmy Buffet and Martina McBride song "Trip Around the Sun." I don't know why I am insisting on telling my current taste in music. The thing is, both of these songs are not really new. I just have been enjoying them, because they fit my mood.
I had a really nice day. I am exhausted though, I am contemplating going to bed, but my friends wanted to hang out again really late tonight. They were going to call me after 11 (It is 11:30 right now). I am kind of thinking bed sounds more desirable right now. We had marching practice for graduation this morning. It is starting to hit me that school is over. We did our class awards, and I was so thankful to receive as many as I did. I almost feel arrogant if I enclose the ones that I won, because most of them were a total surprise. I received four, and some people did not receive any...That made me kind of sad. I received Best Friend, Best Personality, Most Polite, and Class Angel. I feel guilty that I received class angel, because there are so many other girls in our class who are these quiet, sweet, perfect, religious girls. I am definitely not an angel. I was like "wow, my class does not know me very well." It was VERY flattering though. I seriously can't believe people feel I deserved all of those awards. It is totally mind boggling to me. I was just hoping to get most polite, because several people told me they put me down for that. I didn't even consider the other ones.
We had a soccer game today. I feel that I played one of my better games. I almost scored in the beginning of the game. I told Mr. Hanosh I was bitter that I didn't. He told me to do it again. I agreed, not believing I could actually get a goal, but I did! It was a perfect pass from Kristin, so I cannot take all of the credit. I was just so excited to have been so confident for once and been able to follow through. Last year I would never have felt any confidence, let alone actually scored. It is amazing how confidence and happiness is influencing my game. I truly love the game again. I had lost that for a while. I think I have improved at just shaking off the bad stuff, where I used to dwell on it. I have realized it is just a game, and in return it has become something that I love doing. I know I am going to miss it so much.
I had to rush from the game in Bedford to Siena Heights for our Honors Night. I received a scholarship that I did not know about and was confirmed a salutatorian. I hope this means I get that extra scholarship from Central now. My mom's mother came along with my dad's mother and brother. My surrogate grandparents (Bob and Elaine) came as well. I felt so good to have such a wonderful support system there with me. Afterwards we went for dinner/dessert at Applebees. It was a nice relaxing dinner and the perfect way to end my good day.
Things have been really getting better for me. I just feel like after going through a rough period, that things are starting to clear up for me. It almost seems to good to be true, and I kind of worry what is in store for me. I just need to take it one day at a time and be thankful for this pleasant break from reality. It is a great way to wrap up high school. It is making me realize that I might miss everything though. At the same time, I am beginning to feel the excitement my friends are all feeling about us splitting up to meet new people. It is scary. I might be calling them a few lonely nights, but at the same time we will all be expanding outside of this comfort zone. I think it will make it so that we have a lot more to offer to one another when we return, friendship-wise anyway.
So much else has been going on. I have been hanging out with my friends a lot to celebrate the end of school. I had a great last day of school on Tuesday. I have been playing a lot of soccer and procrastinating more than ever. Leslie's 18th birthday is tomorrow and we are going to Toledo with her older sister. It is a pretty big group of girls. I think it should be fun. I am also excited to sleep in with no alarm to wake up, for the first time in a while tomorrow.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Two Days
I am done with high school for good in two days. I have been asking myself the question "Do I feel older?" The answer is yes. It is weird, because it never ceases to amaze me how things change in just one year. Each year slips by faster; it even gets to the point where they seem to have passed by me before I could think about it. For going by so fast, each year holds such huge changes. The funny thing is, that the changes never seem that big. It always happens slowly. I take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time. I guess that means that life changes with every breath we take. I come to the conclusion that I have matured, only to understand my immaturity even more.
It makes me smile at how my view on maturity has changed such a great deal. Ever since developing a friendship with the women in the nursing home, I have realized no one ever fully reaches maturity. Lenora is 81, and Velma was 96 when she passed away. She would have just turned 97 this month, now that I think about it. Each day provides a new obstacle, lesson, or realization. Life is a great journey. We keep traveling on this journey searching for something that can't be found, at least not in this life. I admire the people who can accept that and be at complete peace with it.
My grandparents are two people who I know are at peace with their life. The thing is, I think they are underappreciated. They do not expect anything and are at total peace with everything. My grandpa is going to try to make my awards night this Thursday. He has a hard time sitting through things because of his health problems, but he is determined to make it to this. I think he is so determined to make it because, he is worried about all of his current health problems and how he will recover. He has smoked my whole life, and most of his. He has never been able to quit. He has never been one to worry about his health too much. My grandma always has to yell at him like a child for not eating properly with his diabetes. I hope that he is not giving up, and I do not want him to think he has to come to my awards if he is sick. I will come visit him anyway. Sometimes I wish I could get confirmed for my grandparents before they are gone. I know it would mean so much to them, but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I can't just force my faith. I know they do not expect me to do it for them, and they told me to take my time until I am ready.
It is weird that I can say this, but I am an adult. I am practically done with high school. I will be going to colllege in mere months. Life burns sometimes, but it never fails to surprise me from time to time. A few years ago, I could not imagine the person I would be when I could make those statements. Here I am: the same person that I have always been, but much more complex than back then. I just keep getting more and more puzzle pieces thrown into the box that holds my puzzling life.
It makes me smile at how my view on maturity has changed such a great deal. Ever since developing a friendship with the women in the nursing home, I have realized no one ever fully reaches maturity. Lenora is 81, and Velma was 96 when she passed away. She would have just turned 97 this month, now that I think about it. Each day provides a new obstacle, lesson, or realization. Life is a great journey. We keep traveling on this journey searching for something that can't be found, at least not in this life. I admire the people who can accept that and be at complete peace with it.
My grandparents are two people who I know are at peace with their life. The thing is, I think they are underappreciated. They do not expect anything and are at total peace with everything. My grandpa is going to try to make my awards night this Thursday. He has a hard time sitting through things because of his health problems, but he is determined to make it to this. I think he is so determined to make it because, he is worried about all of his current health problems and how he will recover. He has smoked my whole life, and most of his. He has never been able to quit. He has never been one to worry about his health too much. My grandma always has to yell at him like a child for not eating properly with his diabetes. I hope that he is not giving up, and I do not want him to think he has to come to my awards if he is sick. I will come visit him anyway. Sometimes I wish I could get confirmed for my grandparents before they are gone. I know it would mean so much to them, but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I can't just force my faith. I know they do not expect me to do it for them, and they told me to take my time until I am ready.
It is weird that I can say this, but I am an adult. I am practically done with high school. I will be going to colllege in mere months. Life burns sometimes, but it never fails to surprise me from time to time. A few years ago, I could not imagine the person I would be when I could make those statements. Here I am: the same person that I have always been, but much more complex than back then. I just keep getting more and more puzzle pieces thrown into the box that holds my puzzling life.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Big Surprise: I am Writing About Faith AGAIN
I want to start with a few of my favorite quotes from Anne Lamott's book "Traveling Mercies." The last quote is not hers, but she includes it in her book. I read the book a while ago and I read another book by her called Plan B. I wish I would have been smart enough to write down quotes that moved me from her Plan B book, because she is such a humble and honest woman of faith. I could learn so much about myself by expanding my thoughts on more of her quotes. I don't know why I waited until now to reflect on these quotes in writing. It is probably, because I have not had time to really reflect on faith like I should be.
"My coming to faith did not start with a leap but rather a series of staggers from what seemed like one safe place to another. Like lily pads, round and green, these places summoned and then held me up while I grew. Each prepared me for the next leaf on which I would land, and in this way I moved across the swamp of doubt and fear."
"The truth is that your spirits don't rise until you get way down. Maybe it's because this-the mud, the bottom- is where it all rises from. Maybe without it, whatever rises would fly off or evaporate before you could even be with it for a moment."
"Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue."
I just feel such a sense of peace when I read those quotes. The one thing I learned from April is that we all need people to make us feel like we are okay as we are, on our journies of faith. I feel like my spiritual trip is surrounded by fronts that people have. I don't think these fronts they have are intentional. I doubt they are even aware of the fact that it is a front, but I am just searching for something that feels real. Anne Lamott and April are two Christian people I have found that make me feel a real sense of faith. I know that there are plenty of great Christians out there. I just have unintentionally isolated myself from faith for too long to have picked up on them.
The second quote I included is exactly what I have been trying to write about. I wanted to creatively display that idea in my multi-genre project about faith. I wanted to show how I fight so hard for faith until I give up completely. It seems like when I hit that much despair that I have to give up on faith, then it just comes easy for me when I am not expecting it. You would think that I would catch on that things always get better right after I truly believe that they will never improve...I just never catch on though, and it always surprises me. I love that. It just makes me happy beyond belief when I can see the signs of faith thrown at me. It always happens in the most surprising and unexpected ways. I can think of a recent situation where I was at church feeling hopeless and this lady behind me that I did not even know gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek during the "peace time." She was wearing a sort of dressy poncho and she was really getting into the Bob Marley song, "Pass it On" when we were singing it. She reminded me of a hippie-sh sort of woman. It was amazing how that lifted my spirits. I have a million little stories like that, as I am sure everyone does. It just makes me realize how God truly is the glue for broken souls. Which, then ties into the third quote.
On a funnier, but appropriate note, I had a dream a week or two ago that I was throwing a temper tantrum and screaming "I don't believe in God," and then Jesus appeared to me in my Scooby Doo fruit snacks. I am being completely truthful that I dreamed that exactly like that. It was the weirdest thing.
Faith is so weird. It is one of the biggest daily challenges I face. I remember Anne Lamott made some quote about how faith is a constant battle and you have to find it everyday in her book, Plan B. She said she wakes up some days and is like "Do I really believe in God?" April also told me that everyone has those doubts. She is a youth minister and she said some days she wonders if she is teaching a joke. That is the beauty of faith, you just have to believe. Some days you don't, but you have to keep trying and pray that you will believe more days than you do not believe, and that you can be brave enough to recognize your human flaws of doubt and disbelief. It is hard; I am fighting like hell...but on the days when my search for belief is successful, then those are my most joyous beautiful days. Why would I not want to keep fighting for that?
"My coming to faith did not start with a leap but rather a series of staggers from what seemed like one safe place to another. Like lily pads, round and green, these places summoned and then held me up while I grew. Each prepared me for the next leaf on which I would land, and in this way I moved across the swamp of doubt and fear."
"The truth is that your spirits don't rise until you get way down. Maybe it's because this-the mud, the bottom- is where it all rises from. Maybe without it, whatever rises would fly off or evaporate before you could even be with it for a moment."
"Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue."
I just feel such a sense of peace when I read those quotes. The one thing I learned from April is that we all need people to make us feel like we are okay as we are, on our journies of faith. I feel like my spiritual trip is surrounded by fronts that people have. I don't think these fronts they have are intentional. I doubt they are even aware of the fact that it is a front, but I am just searching for something that feels real. Anne Lamott and April are two Christian people I have found that make me feel a real sense of faith. I know that there are plenty of great Christians out there. I just have unintentionally isolated myself from faith for too long to have picked up on them.
The second quote I included is exactly what I have been trying to write about. I wanted to creatively display that idea in my multi-genre project about faith. I wanted to show how I fight so hard for faith until I give up completely. It seems like when I hit that much despair that I have to give up on faith, then it just comes easy for me when I am not expecting it. You would think that I would catch on that things always get better right after I truly believe that they will never improve...I just never catch on though, and it always surprises me. I love that. It just makes me happy beyond belief when I can see the signs of faith thrown at me. It always happens in the most surprising and unexpected ways. I can think of a recent situation where I was at church feeling hopeless and this lady behind me that I did not even know gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek during the "peace time." She was wearing a sort of dressy poncho and she was really getting into the Bob Marley song, "Pass it On" when we were singing it. She reminded me of a hippie-sh sort of woman. It was amazing how that lifted my spirits. I have a million little stories like that, as I am sure everyone does. It just makes me realize how God truly is the glue for broken souls. Which, then ties into the third quote.
On a funnier, but appropriate note, I had a dream a week or two ago that I was throwing a temper tantrum and screaming "I don't believe in God," and then Jesus appeared to me in my Scooby Doo fruit snacks. I am being completely truthful that I dreamed that exactly like that. It was the weirdest thing.
Faith is so weird. It is one of the biggest daily challenges I face. I remember Anne Lamott made some quote about how faith is a constant battle and you have to find it everyday in her book, Plan B. She said she wakes up some days and is like "Do I really believe in God?" April also told me that everyone has those doubts. She is a youth minister and she said some days she wonders if she is teaching a joke. That is the beauty of faith, you just have to believe. Some days you don't, but you have to keep trying and pray that you will believe more days than you do not believe, and that you can be brave enough to recognize your human flaws of doubt and disbelief. It is hard; I am fighting like hell...but on the days when my search for belief is successful, then those are my most joyous beautiful days. Why would I not want to keep fighting for that?
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