Things I'm Thankful For

* Friends and Family

* All the supportive messages I've received from readers of this blog and/or my article

* The time I spent with my family

* The delicious food

* The small gifts, kind words, pat on back, and hugs I've received since the hospital

* The time I spent with Kristin and her family

* The x-rays that told me my wrist wasn't broke

* Love (loving others and being loved)

* Dreams

* My tattoo

* My will to live

* books

* Marlee and Reba

* heat

* a bed

*a place to live

* music

* poetry

* writing

* writers

* e-mails

* letters

* socks and shoes

* Clothes

* pillows

* my education--even when it feels like it's killing me

*my ability to learn

*my determination to learn

*my skateboard

* my rollerblades

* my ipod

*gym membership

* gum

* Teachers

* Mentors

*Professors

* Classes

* Therapists

* My Doctors

* My teachers who have been so understanding as I am falling behind in school

* OH so many more....

*And seriously, friends and family can't be emphasized enough! I love all of them more than words can say.

It Feels Like Years Since It's Been Clear

I'm tired. Tired of fighting. I told my therapist it's not fair that I try to stop myself from having harmful thoughts, which just results in more pain. I understand healing is hard. I'm not weak, but I'm worn down. This is my life--it's not like I can just take a break from it. That's where sometimes I feel like going to the hospital again is the only way to achieve a break. Being in the hospital validates I'm ill, keeps me from having to be social or impress anyone, and it seems like a legit reason to miss class. My therapist says I have depression that is severe enough to miss class just to stay in bed--or miss class to work out. Missing class for mental health is not the same as missing for physical illness. I shouldn't have to hide out all day and fake sick. I should be doing whatever makes me feel better. I'm thankful for the people who encourage me every day. I try to encourage them back in the same way, but why is it we don't hear anything until it's something negative? I'm working on my ego to avoid that sort of vulnerability.

Waking Up

I wrote this earlier this morning but the internet stopped working when I went to post this:

I'm slowly waking up, both literally and figuratively. My sinuses are giving me problems, which makes waking up a challenge. I'm also seeing things in a new way after such intensive therapy. I don't know that I like the reality checks I'm faced with regularly. I thought I was good at embracing ambiguity and grasping the complexity of a human-being. I could usually find the good in people, no matter how horrible they might seem. Now, I'm beginning to feel intense anger at some of the hateful people from my past. I find myself judging them--borderline hating. I've never hated anyone in my life. Hate is a terrible feeling. Hate only breeds more hate. I hope this is only a small-step in my healing that will allow me to genuinely have compassion for these people one day--that will allow me to be more evolved. To feel sorry that they feel so afraid and hateful, because those are scarring feelings. Right now, I can't look past their arrogance and ignorance that creates and breeds so much hate.

Waking up to realize not everyone is a good person has been a tough thing for me. Realizing everyone I love has complex personalities, and while they might not always genuinely loved me in the altruistic ways I need, doesn't mean they don't love me.

A boy I went to High School with died of alcohol-poisoning yesterday. I was very saddened by it. He was a nice guy and incredibly smart. Feeling so sad about his death, despite not having talked to him in years, made me think about how alone I felt when I was suicidal. I was so sick that I was convinced people would be better off without me, but I did not think about how many people would be affected by it. I now remind myself how many people care, even if they can't express it all the time. Even though, I still sometimes feel like living is too hard, I'm now healthier and awake enough to understand how one life touches thousands.

Adrian junior determined to beat her depression

Here is an article in my school paper about me :)

Adrian junior determined to beat her depression

Ordinary People

I just watched a movie my therapist recommended called "Ordinary People" with Mary Tyler Moore. It was really well done, but messed with my mind a bit. I skipped all of my classes today. I couldn't really get out of bed. Or I guess, I couldn't stay out of bed. I'd get up with good intentions, always ending up back in my bed. I was able to finally get up around 2 and walk to the gym to work out. Working out helped a bit, but then I had a therapy appointment. It was very nice to be validated in all of my negative feelings and congratulated on all of the good stuff I am doing instead of looking at what I'm not doing. I feel unfit to be in school. I am too drained, which leads to apathetic, to have the discipline I need. I'm passing all my classes, though. My therapist says I should be very proud, because under my circumstances, passing is a very challenging thing to strive for.

John Legend has a song called "Ordinary People." It's always been one of my favorites. It has beautiful piano playing, his voice is comforting, and the lyrics are real. I think a lot of my problems, as well as my friends' problems, are that we forget we are all just ordinary people. The world won't stop if we mess up. Failure doesn't kill us, and we will make mistakes and disappoint people in the same ways we are disappointed by them. It's natural. It's really all about honesty and integrity. We hold each other accountable; apologize where it's due; express our expectations of apologies before writing a person off. I have little patience for the fake facades I'm surrounded by. I need people who love me to love all of me--my beliefs, my passions, my actions. I love people for many reasons and to so many different degrees. Why can I allow room for ambiguity in the relationships with people I love, but not expect the same from them? I'm working to figure this all out--taking it one ordinary day at a time.