Pride Vomit

I am reading “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller and I started rereading Natalie Goldberg “The Great Failure, because April returned it today. I realized I was just reading it to numb myself in that moment. I didn’t actually comprehend what I was reading in either of them (I tried both), because I realized I was trying to cover up the fact that I felt an extreme emotion that made me feel a need to release a bunch of negative energy. It was like I wanted to cry, and I didn’t know why. It scared me, to be honest. I went to tea with April today, and I was slightly disappointed in myself that I was not getting into any of the issues really bothering me when talking to her today. I hadn’t seen her since California, which was really a long time ago (Early September). She was always someone who could really make me feel in touch with my spirituality, and I was scared that because I was not feeling that spark of enthusiasm that I used to feel when talking to her, that I had really lost all sense of faith. On the way home I knew I had to tell her I was spiritually numb to the point of feeling dead and that I didn’t know how to fix it, if I wanted to keep that honesty going with her, and get rid of that feeling of hopelessness. It was embarrassing and made me so vulnerable. I didn’t know what I wanted her to say or do. I just let it come up like vomit, because I know once I feel nauseous I can either make the decision to throw up, but once I make that decision and arrive at a toilet, there is no changing my mind. The other option is to force myself to hold it in, and then it comes up full force later with or without my permission. It was like I needed to vomit my pride and I didn’t want to, but I could feel the sick feeling in my stomach getting worse, and I didn’t know when I would be at a spiritual toilet again. Maybe that’s not the most flattering metaphor, calling April a spiritual toilet, but the sick feeling and vomiting is right on and she is the only one that I can allow that sick bile to come up for. It’s like everyone else is a brand new car or clean white carpet, so I force myself to hold it in, until I am so sick that I don’t know what to do.

After vomiting my pride all over myself, April didn’t look at me disgusted like any other normal person would. She looked at me with compassion and understanding and offered to meet with me next week to talk about alternate ways to keep the spark going so that I can stay warm and stop feeling so cold and numb. Who else would offer their time like that? The thing is, when I entered my house alone, I realized I was covered in pride vomit and I had the strong urge to cry. It was like after being really sick, when I want to cry, but I don’t know if it is because of what I just went through, fear of it happening again, or just exhaustion. What disturbs me is how quick I was to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t happening. I quickly got online to talk to people, and then started reading the books to distract my mind. I had no desire to figure out why I was so sick and why I felt the need to cry. I didn’t cry of course, I am far too numb to cry. I haven’t cried in ages. When I was reading I couldn’t concentrate. I then realized how desperate I was to go back to feeling numb. I thought I was done feeling numb or depressed, because I have been happy being home. I feel safe, appreciative, and comfortable at home with old friends and family. I thought that meant I was better, but I realized that it just is a comfortable numb. I still am spiritually empty and that feels lonely. It seems I am better at pushing my need for spirituality to the side than I used to be, because I am so angry at religion and the religious individuals in my life that have let me down. It’s like I am so angry that I am denying myself the joys I used to feel from religion as well. I really don’t know what to do about that.

I love people, and I think there is a need for spirituality and connections with all people. I don’t feel that same kind of love being returned from everyone (naturally, everyone can't love me), and it is hard for me. I think I am overly empathetic and just too wrapped up in denying my real wants and needs, because I am afraid of being unlovable, so I desire affirmation from everyone. I can only think of one or two people who I knew of that didn’t like me, and they were both because of boys I was dating, and while that sounds EXTREMELY vein, I am saying it to show my weakness. I don’t think that means I am extra special or extra nice, I think it just means that I am always bending over backwards and walking on egg shells to accommodate everyone. I know it goes back to catechism and how I got the impression that in order to be a good person, I had to turn the other cheek when someone hit me, give everything I have, and let people abuse me. I am not saying that I do all of those things and that I am perfect, but I think that I still struggle to do all of that stuff and when I do not do that, I feel guilty and like I am letting people down, maybe even letting God down, even though I say I do not believe in the Christian idea of God, but it is hard to get rid of the judgmental God that was taught to me my whole life. The thing is, my parents did not encourage that much, and I do not blame them. I think I just took everything to heart that my catechism teachers said, and I over-think everything. It is emotionally scarring, because I feel like I will never be a good person, unless I give up my life for others. People comfort me now, saying “Oh you are a good person,” but that is only because I am so desperate to make everyone happy. It is almost selfish, because it is for my own sense of satisfaction. I validate myself as a person on whether or not I am a “good person,” which to me is a demented Catholic view of a Saint. It is an unrealistic goal that leaves me continuously falling short and feeling like shit. It is unhealthy, but it is like any obsessive thought process. I know it is irrational, and people can tell me to stop thinking like that, but I can’t change it. That’s why I am in therapy. I am trying to change it.

Out of the Groove

I don't know a whole lot, but it never fails to amaze me how the absolute best moments grow from some of the worst. I have been in a very numb place for a while. I didn't really feel a whole lot about anything. I wasn't sad or happy, but just existing. I think I was just frozen in time until I could adjust and wrap my mind around what was happening in my life. I am still not overflowing with emotion, but I do know that it feels good to be home. I already feel like I am recharging after a tough semester. I have come to the overall conclusion that I like college though, it just was a big adjustment. I am trying to get my friend Dashon to get a blog. He has been writing a lot, and I think it would benefit him to have a community that can offer feedback on his thoughts.

I have not been writing much with exams and everything, and I feel like I have gotten out of the groove of it. I feel like I should only publish if I have something worth writing about, but I am so selective and picky now that I never end up writing anything. Maybe I will begin thinking carefully about some blog worthy topics that get me writing more. Until then, enjoy break!

So Close...

I wish that I could have some new discovered truth or latest epiphany to write about, but I am so drained from exams. I honestly have nothing. I am blogging, because I feel like I have all of this time and nothing to do now that I have taken most of my exams. It’s like I can’t focus on anything at all. I am watching the Colbert Report right now as I type, because I can’t do just one thing and be content right now. My brain has been in overtime, so now it won’t slow down, but at the same it doesn’t want to do anything that involves too much concentration. I can’t even finish this right this second. I don’t know why I even bothered trying to write something. I am just killing time, I guess.
Tonight we had a great pancake break from studying. They were great, but tonight was a big Christmas dinner in the cafeteria so I have been eating all night. It was lots of fun and seemed like a good idea, but now I am not so sure that it was, because my stomach feels gross. I have my final exam tomorrow. It is not even a real exam. All of my stressful stuff was yesterday and then I had a 6-page paper due today, that I did not start until after noon. I did get it done by four though. It was not a very important paper. I just am glad I got it done. Tomorrow I just have to take a ten-question quiz. It will take like twenty minutes and then I will be done for good! I can’t wait. I pretty much feel like I am already done. It is really annoying that I have this little quiz to keep me from being completely done. I am going to go to the Student Activity Center and get in the hot tub and Sauna tomorrow with friends to distress though. At least, I have something to do. I am stuck here until Friday. It will be nice, because it will be time alone to unwind, but there really isn’t much to do when everyone is either studying or going home because they are done with exams. I don’t know what I will do over the extra days. I already was feeling lost on what to do tonight. I ended up tagging along with some friends to Meijer and Target just for something to do before the pancakes. It feels really good to be (pretty much) done. I am looking forward to relaxing at home. Then I will really feel good.

I knew Brad Pitt was good looking, but honestly!

I can't do these photos the best justice, but I was on a random flux dollar shopping spree and this caught my attention from across the store. I hope it makes your day like it did mine.

The top one is now the latest edition to my wall.

Loneliness

I have felt very down the past few weeks. It was beginning to get very real to me that things will never be the same. Growing up is not something I can push aside, despite having tried. I enjoy knowing that I am still in touch with my childhood, but I also think that I have a certain amount of maturity that is uncommon for my age, but maybe that is the immaturity in me. I just have always connected better with people older than me, or at least felt that they understood me more than my peers.

I have noticed that at this point in my life I don't fit anywhere. I can't be really comfortable or at home anywhere. It is incredibly lonely, but I think it is great for me. When I am lonely and feeling so down I worry that no one cares or relates and that it will never get better, but it intrigues me that so many people feel that way. College students especially feel alone and that they don't belong anywhere, but I think everyone is prone to feeling that way sometimes. We are told that by being married or in a relationship, having kids, and keeping good friends will cure the loneliness. These kinds of things do help, but they do not cure the broken and loneliness people feel. Sometimes it can contribute to feelings of being alone when we have everything that is supposed to make us feel a part of something, but we don't. I blogged about the movie "Thumbsucker," before, but I think that is the perfect example of loneliness inside of families and relationships. My "epiphany of the night" came to me while at the movies this evening. I went to see "Stranger than Fiction" with James and Beth. I was surprised that they invited me along. They are dating, and I thought "who would want a third wheel on their date?" I appreciated it so much, because it felt nice to go off campus and see a movie with friends. They told me they were glad I could come because they have been feeling lonely. During the movie I saw examples of loneliness, and it made me think "If everyone feels so alone, then are we ever experiencing something so dark that it should be pushed under the rug in embarrassment? " I think everyone is so proud that we try to act like we don't feel lonely, because we have great friends, family, and material possessions, but that makes us feel more alone, because it is a front. I think more people should abandon pride and just talk honestly to one another, but we are too busy numbing ourselves in our busy lives.

I think people are more alone now than ever. Everyone is so focused on careers, cell phones, technology, that we are so busy trying to show everyone that we are important with our phone calls and work. We lose that visible vulnerability of being alone, because we appear to have someone important on the phone or somewhere to be. Sometimes I wander around campus meaninglessly when I am fed up of being in my dorm room and I am lonely. I just listen to my ipod and when I see people I pretend like I am walking to a destination, but really I am just wandering, overthinking my life. I claim to love a simple life, but I seem to make my simple life very complex and that ruins the goal.

I can say that I am lonely a great deal of the time, but there are plenty of other people in the same boat. I could have a group of friends that doesn't really care just to satisfy society and make it appear that I belong, but I am searching for something more. I really feel like that I am slowly appreciating my relationships that are maturing more, and finding new meaningful ones. I want friends that inspire me and challenge me to be a better person, not friends that don't care what is important to me, but more about what the plans for Friday night are.

Loneliness is so confusing to me...I am still thinking about it. It is supposed to be feeling so isolated and alone, but if everyone feels it, I am still thrown on how that makes anyone alone.