I Do Not Sleep

I’m restless, but oh so tired.
I haven’t slept right for far too long.
My body tries to produce tears,
but instead my dry eyes burn.
My heart is heavy and my stomach hurts from falling,
clumsily, desperately, and unaware of-
where I will land or who will catch me.
It doesn't matter now.

I remember those goddamn words,
“I’m so ashamed of you.”
They ring in my ears as if I am still four years old,
crying from the guilt. I felt humiliated.
I experienced my first feeling of regret at the age of four
when I introduced myself to guilt.
I have not been able to rid myself of it,
because we’ve been inseparable since that bittersweet day.
We know eachother so well that its presence comforts me
when I am scared and in unknown places.

On that horrid day,
she took me into her warm arms that served as a band-aid.
I found solace in its flesh-color,
because it helped mask my disturbing wounds.
It helped protect my scrapes of guilt,
but not enough to keep them from
turning into cuts that scar.

I lay my heavy head upon my pillow.
I feel my heart break out of exhaustion
from holding itself together for too long.
It bleeds. I am bleeding. I do not feel any pain.
I do not feel. I do not cry. I do not sleep.

Wild Mind

I have been in a very strange mood the last week and a half, but especially the last few days. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Once I get to sleep I am okay, but my mind has been racing for days. Last night I was so tired, but all I wanted to do was think. I tried to read for class around 1am. I was able to force myself to get through the story, but barely. I then wrote for a while to clear my head, but I then decided at 1:45 I would listen to my ipod and just lay there on the couch for fifteen minutes and go to bed at two. That somehow turned into an hour of listening to music until 3am. My mind was still racing, but I decided to go to bed, because I had to wake up at 9. I tossed and turned for probably another hour, but I lost count and decided to change my alarm to 9:30am. I expected to be groggy and grumpy this morning, because I had been feeling so low and I slept even less the night before. Usually two sleepless nights makes me crazy, but I actually felt okay when I woke up. My mind started racing again. It has been since. I worked out so intensely today though. It was probably my best work out since I have come to school. I put on some weight since I came here... as most people know. I think I am losing it though. I think because my mind was so distracted that I was able to just push myself beyond what I normall would. It helped clear my mind for about ten minutes, but it felt good. I now have homework to do, but I am tired and I know I won't be able to sleep again, so I might as well save it for later. I don't know that I could concentrate if I wanted to anyway.


I have been doing so much writing these days and nights where my mind is wild. I love it, because I have missed writing so much, but I can't focus on anything else. I will be at the library or in the study room and I just end up writing for fun, because I can't focus on my homework. I feel like I have been on caffeine for days, but I haven't had any since Sunday night. I just feel jittery and tired, but my mind won't slow down. I am relieved to have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, because I think he will be able to help me. Things have turned very dark and unhealthy somewhere since my last appointment, and I don't know why. I am not necessarily unhappy, because I honestly had a great timeand felt happy in Ann Arbor. It was such a nice break from normality. It felt great to spend time with Adam, and I got to see Kristin for a little bit, plus the concert was everything I hoped it would be. I was especially impressed with Jackie Greene and Martha Wainwright. It was very entertaining though. It was also great to become a little more comfortable with my former Bio instructor since I am supposed to start tracking with her this Friday. I am still pretty nervous, but at least I know how laid back she is now. I think she will be understanding and that will be good to help build my confidence.

Things are so weird. I am blown away with how things happen and work out. Last night I received a phone call from a friend of a friend inviting me to some type of nun training conference that is open to outsiders. I am so fed up with religion right now, but I am actually considering it just because I can attend it as a non-Catholic and observe. I thought that I have not changed much in my thoughts when people told me that I had, because I thought that I had just grown more comfortable with expressing them, but that they were always there. Now I am thinking that they are right. I have changed, and I like it. I would not want to go back to last year after having learned everything I have now. I am beginning to see more and more truth everyday. The truth can hurt, but it is better to live with more sadness and truth, then illusion because then the happy moments that come around are really mine to own. Not that I was't ever happy last year, but I feel like a lot of my happiness last year may have been happiness built on illusions, because I was too afraid to see things for what they were. I did not own my happiness and I denied any dissatisfaction in hopes it would go away. It doesn't just go away. I have to face it head on. I am doing that and seeing things for what they are more and more. I think everyone needs to strip down all of their false securities and just dive in to everything they are avoiding...with the help of a trained professional, of course. I hope that by stripping down all of my pride and image that I can come back stronger and more complex. If only my complex thoughts could tone it down before 4am so I can sleep like a normal person, or at least do homework. Just think, if I was doing homework all that time, I would be kicking ass in my classes.

Burning in Hell

It is getting more and more challenging for me to believe in anything along the lines of religion. I believe in some type of goodness that connects humanity to one another. I still feel the idea that someone is always watching me and judging my thoughts. It makes me paranoid and constantly feeling guilt, because I think I need to show shame and sorrow for any bad thoughts I have, despite the fact that I never act on them. Everyone has bad thoughts that they control. I just feel bad about mine, because I remember so passionately repeating the prayer of repentance at church where it asks for forgiveness for sins in our THOUGHTS and in our words. I took that very literally growing up. Ever since I can remember, I have tried to have "perfect" thoughts for this angry masculine God that everyone told me about, because I did not want to burn in Hell.

Speaking of Hell, I don't believe in it. I don't know what I believe about the afterlife or if it even exists, but I find Hell to be very contradictory to all Religions' central focus of love. If this universal God really is so loving and compassionate above any human ability, then how could people be sent to an eternity of suffering? Life is suffering enough. Is it really necessary to add fire? Now, people constantly remind me, "What about Hitler? He should go to Hell." I agree that personally, in my humanness, I would like to think that someone as cold and cruel as Hitler would suffer tremendously for what he did. I would like to remind you that I am not God (in case you forgot). Even I feel a little bad about anyone (even Hitler) burning forever. It's really a cruel way to punish people. If God is as above humanity as I have been told, then this universal God should feel compassion and understanding for Hitler's sick upbringing and mental issues (even though, I sure as hell don't). The same type of compassion should be displayed with all people who most would consider evil or bad. Sure, there are some people out there that do some TERRIBLE things that I can't imagine one human being could do to another. I can't stand to think about the terrible things people do to each other. In my humanness I wish there was a way to have them feel what they have done to other people, but isn't revenge a human emotion? So where does Hell fit in? It doesn't.

I had a dream last night that I was in some sort of circle at a party with a few religious people. I made some irreverent comment about religion, and everyone grew very angry with me. They kept telling me how wrong I was and that I better pray for forgiveness if I didn't want to go to Hell. I felt guilt in my dream, but then I remember I was trying to stand up for myself anyway, despite feeling bad about what I said (I don't even remember what I said. The dream was more focused on the reaction). I kept stuttering and stammering, trying to defend my actions, but they weren't getting it. They were just making me feel worse about it. The dream ended with me alone in my dorm room feeling like there was no one to pray to, and that resulted from my actual feeling last night when I was alone before bed. It must have carried over into my dream. Everything is going fine right now, but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I had a great time at theo folk festival. I really liked all of the acts, but especially Jackie Greene, Martha Wainwright, and Rufus. They were all amazing. The sound was really good at Hill. It was one of the most lovely evenings I have had in quite a while. I don't really have a ton of work to do this weekend, but I feel like I am not doing enough. I am feeling like I should be doing more. It is just that awful idea that I have to be suffering and working really hard to earn happiness, good grades, or whatever it is that I want. Everything has a price, right?

Pessimism

Everything has been going abnormally well, but now I feel like something bad is going to happen. I feel very nervous and culpable at this exact moment. It just came out of nowhere, because I was just feeling so happy and thinking about how well things were going. I don’t know why this happens. I was just thinking about how well I was doing, so well in fact that my therapist decided to reduce my appointments to every other week. When I was remembering this, I felt proud. He said that I was very perceptive of my own feelings, and that I seemed to be able to come up with the answers of what I should do on my own. He identified my problem of not trusting myself, and he gave me a few things to practice towards dealing with that, but now I still feel unequipped to deal with everything on my own. I started feeling panicky when I thought about not going to therapy. The last two times I had breaks from therapy, I saw a noticeable drop in my mood. Granted, they were longer time periods off of therapy, but it scares me where my mind can carry me when I’m alone. I love being alone and letting my mind wander, though. It is like I am a daredevil that is reckless with my thoughts. I just jump into any dangerous thought process like I am unbreakable. Is it stupidity or bravery? I do not know.

I identified certain mixed messages I have been sent, as well as my pattern of seeking two negative messages (usually in the form of guilt) but then allowing myself to find one positive message. It is obsessive the way that I do this subconsciously. I know how people will respond to different things, so I am able to continuously seek the same pattern of two negatives followed by a positive. It is not a healthy way to live, but maybe identifying it will hopefully help me change this. It is tough though, because I do it without thinking.

I am disappointed that I did not hear back from the priest at church. I e-mailed him an e-mail complaining about the homophobic pamphlet that I found outside of his office. It disappointed me, because I had heard such good things about him being accepting. The e-mail I sent was not condescending. I thought I was able to be strong and express my opinions, but still convey that I cared and admired him. I told him that I thought it reflected our church poorly. I don’t know if it was naïve of me to think that he would respond. It might have been me trying to live in my childhood, where I trusted the church to save me and lead me with what was right or wrong. I knew they made a mistake, but I think my trust and love for child-like faith led me to believe they would rise above it and display humility. Now, I don’t know that I want to return to church for a while. I want to wait until I can look the priest in the eyes and not feel ashamed. I don’t know why I feel ashamed. It might be because he now knows that I am not the “perfect smiling girl” that would sit in the balcony alone at mass on Saturday nights. I know deep down though that I should not be embarrassed for expressing my beliefs, but I feel ashamed nonetheless. Maybe it is that I feel humiliated for being naïve enough to think the church I grew up in, or any church could be humble and rise above politics. I don’t know why I am not content with my own beliefs. I guess it goes back to me not trusting myself. I need to feel like I fit in a group in order to feel validated in my beliefs, but no one religion can provide that. I know that I am spiritual. I love people and believe in something bigger connecting us, but I think I feel the need to pick a label because everyone else is so concerned about giving me a label. Get over it that I don’t call myself a Christian anymore and I am not a goddamn atheist…apparently that makes me an agnostic according to everyone else. Guess what, agnostic is just a label for a bunch of misfits that can’t claim a religion or don’t care enough to pick something. I am definitely a misfit with religion, but it is not because I do not care to pick a side. It is the fact that I don’t think either side is right. I think they are both missing a lot. Do I really need to pick a label to make everyone feel better about where I am? I don’t think that makes me an agnostic. An agnostic says maybe to it all, but I say No to it all. I say there is something more beautiful that everyone is missing. I know people who have found what I am seeking through religion and others who have found it through atheism. I think that is fantastic, but I do not think that claiming a label is what makes them feel awakened to the beauty. I think maybe it helps them explain it to people who don’t get it, but I think me not claiming a label is the best thing I can do for me. I should tell everyone to F-off, but unfortunately I stammer and stutter trying to defend my beliefs while they go assessing me and telling me which group I belong in. I have honestly heard it all,

“Aimee, you are a Catholic/Christian. You have very Catholic/Christian beliefs and practices. Why are you trying to deny that?”

“Aimee, just admit you are an atheist. Seriously, you are just clinging to Christianity out of fear.”

"Aimee, you are agnostic. Stop trying to be an individual, when really you are just agnostic."


It is all so shallow and draining.

On a lighter note, I got a job as an assistant to my Biology lab instructor. I will be helping her track wolves to see if they are migrating from the U.P down the lower. I am really nervous and not very confident about it, but I am excited because I am hoping that it will be just what I need to give me extra confidence, and it will give me more of a sense of purpose up at school.

Emotional Strength

I've been thinking a lot about what makes a person emotionally strong. I am beginning to wonder if an individual can even be considered emotionally strong. In reality as human beings we have to deal with any tragedy that comes our way, whether we want to or not. I used to think of two different scenarios for someone I would admire for emotional strength. The first one would be that the individual appeared to deal with situations better than everyone else. They would be the one not crying when everyone was weeping and trying to be optimistic. I know several people like that in my life, and when I have had the rare instance of seeing them cry it kills me. It's like I think if the people I look to for emotional strength are breaking, then the world must really be screwed. I get that feeling of hopelessness in my stomach when I look into their tear filled eyes. It makes me think, "this is life," which is very pessimistic, but it's like all of my optimism vanishes when the optimist is crying. I think those rare instances of strong people in my life crying are some of the most beautiful moments in my life, but also some of the most devastating.

The other example of someone I would normally consider emotionally strong is someone who has dealt with a lot of things in their life or deals with some major tragedy. I always think, "Wow, they are so strong. I could never deal with my mom dying," or something like that, but the truth is I would have to. What other option is there? Granted, some people deal with things better than others. I realize some people choose not to deal with their tragedies and choose a life of drugs or alcohol, or even to take their own life. That causes more tragedies in this battle of life we are all in together. Is someone emotionally strong for just getting through life? Can an individual be emotionally stronger than another? What if we are all emotionally strong just for living and getting through whatever tragedy comes our way. The truth is, death is inevitable. We will all lose people we think we can't live without, and one day we will pass. I think that makes everyone pretty damn amazing.

I am coming to the conclusion that human beings are naturally emotionally strong. The old emotionally strong character in my mind, which never cries, except for extreme tragedy, might not be so strong after all. I do not cry much, and I don't think that means I am emotionally strong at all. I think it means I am content numbing myself through life, which I am beginning to learn, is not the answer to getting through things. We need to feel, even if that means extreme pain sometimes. I was always told the best way out is through, thanks to Mr. Emerson, and I think that is true. The only way to get out of struggle is to experience it and get through it. My friend Kristin told me that numbing myself is the easy way out, and I don't want to do it anymore. It scares me to feel, but as I am looking for a role model that is emotionally strong, there is not one. There is no right way to deal with pain. I can tell you some ways that probably aren't so good, but some people need to make mistakes to learn from them. That is probably better than my perfectionist fear that desires to keep me numb and keeps me avoiding anything that could be too good or bad for me. It's a New Year I am sure I will continue to grow emotionally, or maybe I won't. It seems many adults haven't emotionally evolved from 18, but that makes me sound like a jerk for noticing. If it makes amends for that last statement, sometimes I think I am emotionally immature. All of my friends told me after I experienced a tragedy that made me weep, that I would never go back to the numb, insensitive person that never cries when I should. I wept when my grandma died this summer...a lot. In fact, I haven't cried since. I guess, my friends were wrong, and I did regress to the insensitive character again that turns the TV on when my friend is bawling about her ex-boyfriend. I have so much work to do, but admitting that is the first step, right?