Sometimes...

Sometimes I think people are more interested in their theory of who I am, rather than actually knowing who I am.

Almost There

I can't wait for break to get here. I am tired of school, but at the same time I haven't had nearly as much to be tired about this year. I think I might be getting a virus to go along with my anti-biotic. I really don't know what is wrong with me. Today I stopped by to visit my little sister (the one through Big Bro/Big Sis). She was so sweet today. I was impressed by how she has matured in such a short time. Her ninth birthday was on December 5th. I missed hearing about it because I was sick last week when I was supposed to visit her. My mom bought her this really cute sweatshirt with a monkey keychain attached. I was all worried that it wouldn't fit or she wouldn't like it, but it fit her and she loved it! We played with the monkey keychain too. We made him knock over all of the blocks and silly things like that. I actually had a blast doing those things. I am such a kid at heart. She was so polite opening the gift. She opened the card first and said thankyou many times. I was so impressed. She gave me so many hugs it was adorable. I love kids when they are sweet like that.

So I had another vase blow up in ceramics, which almost resulted in an undercover temper-tantrum. Luckily Mr. Bytwork was nice enough to allow me to stay into seventh hour and then helped me one-on-one make another one. If this next one blows it will blow my grade along with it. It is just too late to make another one before the end of the semester.

Ashlee has an orchestra concert tonight. I suppose I will go, although I am not crazy about squeaky violins. I might need a nap now, in order to do that.

I am supposed to be past having boy drama for this year. I thought I was very clear that this was to be a no more boy confusion time. I was told yesterday that Brandon has been "talking" with my only other ex-boyfriend's girlfriend. Yes, twisted indeed. Now, Brandon and I are not dating so I should not care. I told him he could see other people. I guess when I said that, I was expecting like college girls, not someone a year younger than me who is dating the only other guy, besides Brandon, that I ever dated. The reason I was kind of angry was because this whole line he always tells me about "I'm real," and I believe him everytime, but then stupid little rumors always lead me to doubt him. It makes me wonder if I ever really believe him to begin with. It just made me think, that really he hasn't grown up like I thought he had, and maybe I haven't either. I thought we had both grown up for the better, but this leads me to believe things are the same as they have always been between us. He came over just Friday and told me how he missed me and comes home to see "his family, Justin, and me," There was enver anything about this other girl (Whom I happen to like I might add). So it makes me question his "I'm real and have nothing to hide" claims. I haven't decided whether to talk to him about it or just give up on it all. I suppose I will have to talk to him about it sometime soon, since we are supposed to hang out over Christmas. It just confuses me is all and I hate feeling like a naive fool. Oh well, "This too...shall pass." I'm off to take a nap.

Snow Day

Today was a snow day and for that, I am thankful! I have a ton of homework still, because unfortunately my teachers planned on a snowday and gave me work due Monday, and lots of it. I found this very dissapointing with sub-deb being this weekend. I am very excited for subdeb. We are taking a very hot party bus and Leslie and I burnt a cd full of hot bus songs, such as "The Venga Bus" by the Venga Boys and "Back of the bus" OutKast. It should be a ghettofabulous evening. As subdeb always is. Good times of very loud rap music, pure chaos, and a steaming hot dance floor (literally).

This evening I went to a party with my mom, sister, and other teachers that she teaches with. We froze outside for the "Parade of Lights" Afterwards we went to a home for food. I had a nice time, but I always get in weird moods after talking a lot with people I do not know very well, where I worry too much. Questions like, "Did I talk to much?" or "Did I sound like an idiot when I said this..." all run through my head. I am getting better and reassuring myself I am allowed to have a good time and be real. I don't need to be so conservative that I am fake. I know everything was fine, but I am working on eliminating those questions completely.

I have been doing a lot of writing for IND Study as I may have mentioned before. I am growing excited with some of my stories that I have come up with. For the longest time I was having a terrible time creating anything original that I was passionate about. I kept complaing that all of my stories were "cheesy". ms eddy told me that I just needed to create characters that Iwas passionate about so I could have more of their background and make readers care about them too. I also was stressing about length. I would write like mad on a good idea get to like 20 pages and then be like "Where am I going with this?" Then I never touch it again. Or I would be like, "I have to make this a long story" and get stuck because I would be trying to create something that wasn't there. I am getting more and more excited about my portfolio with every meeting I have with ms. eddy. I just hope it all comes together and is something I am really proud of.

I attended a group prayer meeting today for lunch since we had the day off. I was not sure I wanted to go, but I am really glad I did. I found out a friend of mine from fifth grade and middle school, her father died last night. It is really sad, because this girl has kind of dropped out of school and been in trouble with drugs. Her father was really dissapointed by all of this and now he is gone. I heard she is experiencing a lot of guilt, because she hurt him so badly and now he is gone before she could fix it. I hope this will motivate her to change her lifestyle, because she really has a lot of potential. She has set herself back a couple of years, but I think she could use this to get her life back. I hope that this will help her see how fragile life is, instead of sending her into a deeper darkness. I can't stop worrying about her. Although I don't see her much anymore, I am hoping I can attend the service, but I know it will probably be during school. I would at least like to go to the visitation. It is just another example of making sure to live the life you want to be living, because regret is not a feeling you can get rid of or change.

The Conclusion

Well, today I went to the doctor. I am on an anti-biotic, yet again...they think I never got better is the deal. The bacteria must me immune to the weaker doses, they said that they have seen several cases lately of strep resisting the anti-biotic. I am hoping third time is a charm. The good news is, that I am probably not even contagious...since I have been on anti-biotic twice now. This new one I have to take 3 times a day for 14 days. That will be a pain, but if it gets me healthy again it is worth it.

I had a nice long discussion with ms. eddy today...really long...about my writing and everything. I feel much better after doing so. I feel like I will be able to pull it all together somehow. I think I was just setting unreal expectations for my writing. I was rather frustrated with my friends again today. Nothing huge, just little things. It just makes me see how we all need to go our seperate ways. It wasn't anything catty like usual, it was just one of those days where everyone was grumpy and not communicating with eachother and it made me frustrated, even though my day was fine, except for being sick.

I have come to the conclusion that everything will be okay. It's a big conclusion, that I have always known. I just decided that everything will turn out in the future. I will adapt, so I need to stop worrying about whether or not I get accepted to U-M or if I get a stupid B in ceramics. I am just living my life the best I know how and I will just have to deal with what I am dealt...or that I deal myself. I am unsure of the whole fate V self theory. I just know that if things get sucky...I will get through it. If things aren't sucky, then I will enjoy it. Those are the only options I have. I am going to bed early tonight. I am very tired...I think it's the whole sick thing.

I'm sick...yet again

Well, I am sick again for the third time in a short time period. I was panicking that I had a week immune system or something was wrong with me, but then I remembered the lady at the nursing home was sick last week and she was coughing all over her hand. Then I grabbed hold of her hand before I left...that's just common sense I guess. So on another sucky tangent, my vase blew up in ceramics. I have had so many things ruined in there. I don't think I can get an A at this point. My vase was my best one yet, probably because he helped me so much with it. Then it blew...that blows haha.

A lot has happened over the past week. Most importantly, Brandon and I are no longer formally dating. He brought up the one night that he like me a lot and that he wanted to wait until we were both ready to commit to a serious relationship. He said he didn't want to mess up a good thing by rushing. That is exactly how I felt and what I had been saying. I was a little taken back by the fact that he suggested the whole waiting to get serious thing. I thought I would be the one to bring that up, but I guess it is good we are on the same level. So we are still talking on the phone a lot and planning on hanging out over Christmas. Everything is basically the same with no pressure. I like it. We both agreed we could casually see other people as well. I went on a "group date" with a friend of mine, his girlfriend, his cousin, and a couple of other friends. It was nice. I had fun. Sub deb is this Saturday and I am very excited. The group I am going with has over 20 people and we rented this "party bus" with leather seats and colored lights. It should be a blast!

I have been e-mailing a girl who is a freshman at U-M. She was in my math class for 2 years, but we never talked much. She has been very helpful telling me about U-M and her portfolio last year for Ind. Study. We have the same type of humor, so I have been getting a kick out of her e-mails and wondering why we never talked at school last year? It is weird how some of my best friends from last years senior class and I barely keep in touch. Then some of the people I barely talked to, I have been running in to and talking with quite a bit. I have been writing A LOT because I am stressing about what I will include in my portfolio. I want it to be stuff I am proud of, but I am just not sure which pieces yet. I hope ms. eddy will be able to help me with all of that.

My friend Leslie, signed me up for a spray on tan with her. (I won a free one from afterprom last year.) I am scared I will turn out orange, but my friend Erika always looks good when she gets them. I am also a little nervous about the whole standing there in my underwear while a woman sprays me down. That is going to be very uncomfortable.

Also, last week I found out my cousin is pregnant. She and I used to be best friends growing up. She is 1 year and half older than I and a year and a half younger than my brother...so it was like perfect when the three of us would hang out. I am so dissapointed, because I feel like she probably did not take the proper precautions. She probably was like "oh so what if I get pregnant?" She is not even dating this guy...he is in the service and he is not even taking responsibility for it. The thing I think I am mad about...is that she is excited. It is just so careless and foolish. Her life will never be the same again. At nineteen she is going to be forced to grow up. I doubt she will go back to school either. I guess it's her life though. I just pray she can handle it and that the kid grows up okay. I know my Aunt and Uncle will make sure it does. I'm off to dinner.

Why Am I Even Blogging?

I feel like I have nothing important to say. I cannot get motivated to write or blog at all. I am forcing myself to blog just so I can say I have done something for IND Study. I seriously am beginning to wonder why I blog? I don't have anything special to say. One benefit is my informal writing has definately improved. I have a pimple right on my hairline that is really killing me. I popped it once, but it is all huge and painful. I have a paper to finish for BIO tonight, I had a nice day at the nursing home and at Big Brothers Big Sisters. I had a major flashback when I sat in on my little sister's music class. I had the same teacher in elementary and I could not keep a straight face at how everything was the same. I am worried about the 96 year old woman I visit at the nursing home. She is really sick. I always really worry about her when she gets sick. I just can't help but wonder if she will get better.

Today in Independent Study, ms. eddy was talking about how she can see through people and that scares people, because they do not like to expose their vulnerabilties. I then asked her "but don't you think people can see through you too?" She was telling me about how she is not ashamed of herself and she purposely makes herself transparent. She was claiming she puts everything out there for everyone to see, even the bad stuff like hate, failure, and weakness. She was saying she is not proud of it, but she is not ashamed of it. It got me thinking how much more comfortable I have grown with myself, but I started trying to decide if anyone can ever be totally comfortable with themselves and if so how long until I get there? People can tell me all day that they are comfortable with themselves, but I can't help but doubt them. I am such an optimist at times, but totally pesimistic at others. This is one of those things I have a hard time being optimistic about. I can't help but think everyone is just caught up in their image. I don't understand extremes and lack of understanding. I really do not have anything to say, but I need to push myself. I have taken too many days off from writing.

I'm content with who I am,
but scared of who I will be.
I don't feel happy,
but I don't feel sad.
I don't feel anything at this exact second.
I am not worried.
Happiness passes within a few seconds.
It is nice, but overrated.
Sadness evolves into a greater happiness.
It is hard, but builds character.
I wouldn't change a thing,
but I often wish I could.

Back to Reality

Thanksgiving is over. I am now trying to figure out which homework I want to do. I feel like I have so much to do, (mostly for IND Study) but none of it is due tomorrow. I need to get a good chunk of something...I just do not know where to start. I decided to start by blogging. That way I can get the fun holiday off my mind and get back to reality. I had a really nice long weekend, but it feels like it wasn't long at all. Wednesday afternoon I went to lunch with Brandon. Then I went to see Rent with a bunch of my girlfriends. I loved that movie. The music was great, but I was all having a great time and I did not know that it was so sad. (I had never seen the play or been told the plot). I was like slapped in the face with how sad it was because I was not expecting it. Later that evening I was able to watch my favorite women of SNL on the Ellen show. Then Adam came home and we all set up the tree, or more like watched my sister and mom put up the tree.

We spend Thursday in Ohio at my cousins. It was nice to have a family get together in the middle of nowhere. It was a much needed break from Adrian. We spent the night in a nice hotel Thursday night and headed home after lunch at my cousins house on Friday. after a 3 hour drive. I went out with Brandon to see "Just Friends" it was a cute date movie. He then came back with me and we enjoyed the entertaining company of my brother and "Sailor." They were hilarious. I later drove Ashley home in the terrible snow. Brandon came along and everything. Then at 2:15 in the morning Brandon headed home and before so gave me a ring of his with his initials on it. I think that means we are now officially a couple? I am not sure, but that is what I am counting it as.

Last night Leslie and Erika came over and we watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I really love that movie. It is such a cute coming of age story. They left early because I had my soccer game this morning. We didn't have a lot of subs so I played almost the whole game (I sat for five minutes). I was sooo tired, but it was a fun game. I then came home and showered in a hurry to get to Brittany's. She was home for Thanksgiving, but had to leave for the airport at 2 this afternoon. I didn't get to see her long, but it was nice to see her again. It messes with my mind having her so far away. I had to rush from her house to babysit for two boys...one is 5 and the other is 3. They were so wild! I babysit for them often, they are usally pretty good, but today they were out of control! Their mom said they have been like that for like four days. I am sure she was glad to get out of the house to see Harry Potter. I handled them okay. The oldest one is always really good for me, but the three year old is at that phase were he does the opposite of everything I tell him to. It was drving me crazy! So that was my weekend...I have lots of stuff I need to do, but I would love to get in my PJ's and not do anything. Oh well, maybe I will compromise and do my homework in my PJ's? This is really a pointless entry, but just wanted to say I had a fun weekend and avoid homework.

My Transparent Poem

Well, today ms. eddy tore apart my poem in the edditting proccess. I will post the newer, improved version later...

I Don't Really Know...

I did not realize it had been a full week since I had last blogged. I do not feel like I have needed to express myself lately. It must be because I have been doing a lot of writing for Independent Study trying to prepare my portfolio. I worked on my portfolio all day yesterday. I am actually kind of excited about it. I was worried it wouldn't be something that I am proud of, but I am starting to put a lot of work into and I am starting to feel a sense of accomplishment with it. I hope the final thing is something I will be really proud of. I bought all of this really cool scrapbook paper with lots of cool designs on it. I am going to put my poems on there. I bought designs and images on the paper that reflect the moods of the poem. I also had this cool transparent paper that I was excited about, but I did not have anything to use it on. It helped inspire the name of my portfolio. I have decided that title will be Transparent. I like that because I like how people think they can see through each other, but there are always so many layers. It is going to be like a collection of my different moods and layers. I plan to attach the transparent paper to the title page so you have to look through it (it makes it a little cloudier) to see the title. It also inspired this poem for my portfolio. I think I will use it as my opening poem because it goes with the theme so well.


Transparent

Why do you try to look through me?
I am made of layer upon layer.
I feel such different emotions daily,
that I have yet to figure myself out.
You insist that you see through me,
because I am made of thick,
but fragile glass skin.

“With one drop you will be broken,”
you say to me nonchalantly.
I don't care what you say.
You can't see through me at all.
If I am made of glass, then it must be cloudy,
because although you may see silhouettes of my pieces,
you cannot tell just what those silhouettes are of.

Who knew I would mold some of my poems around the paper I bought? I also will be including a couple of stories, blog entries, and random things in my portfolio. I really got a lot done yesterday. I am kind of excited, but I still have a long way to go! I need to write at least two more short stories to include in it.

I went to a U-M/ Ohio State party with my parents and Ash on Saturday. It was a nice time with lots of good food. Ashlee and I left early to meet up with Grandma and Uncle Mike to go see Harry Potter. It was really great! The book is much more in depth though so if there is any confusion during the movie, then be sure to read the book. I went to bed early Saturday night, because I had to wake up at 5:45 to go play indoor soccer in Maumee. That will be my new weekly routine, but unfortunately this Sunday I will have to wake up at 4:45... it is really exhausting!

Senator Carl Levin came to my school today to speak. I was able to miss class to attend the speech thanks to student senate. I really liked it. It was very informative. I never feel fully informed of what is going on with politics. It was easy to listen to him, because he is democratat. Although any politician is usually good at public speaking and thinking on their feet. He was thrown some tough questions and he did a great job to answer them. I have just discovered this artist named Maia Sharp... I was nosureue how I liked her music at first, but it has really grown on me. It is really laid back and I like that. I need to get to bed early last night. Waking up at 5:45 yesterday and then not going to bed early last night has really made me quite sleepy. Last full day of school tomorrow. I am excited! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Dual of the Fates

Do not ask me why, but for some reason I'm listening to "Dual of the Fates" from Star Wars. It is very geeky for me to be listening to Star Wars music, but I just like the whole good VS evil theme. If only it was that simple in real life. Nothing is ever entirely good or evil. It makes everything very confusing. The choir singing so desperately in the background is something I wish I would hear when I encounter mean people. It would be hilarious! It would definitely make me laugh instead of being angry. I am going to see Harry Potter on Saturday with my grandma. I am really excited it looks fantastic!

I have a ton of homework I need to be doing, but tonight this is kind of homework. The thing is, I am trying to begin organizing my writing for IND Study. I realized I need to do more quality writing. I have been making a list over the last 2 days about topics, styles, and people I would like to write about. I need to get on the ball for that, but I did make some progress over the weekend. I need to keep writing everyday, but tonight I do not have time to do real writing (as in stories or poems). I saw this movie this weekend called The Jacket. It story line was so cool. I would love to try that style of writing, although ms. eddy informed me today how challenging it is to write things that are murky all the way through and then piece together at the end. She said she was not even sure if she could help me get started. I want to experiment around with it though.

I am still having a dilemma with whether or not I want to get serious about Brandon. I like him, but I was sure I didn't want a relationship. The only problem with that is that I am not sure why I do not want a boyfriend. I think it is just fear of growing up. Maybe I should just get over it and take a chance for once. I couldn't sleep last night because I was confused and thinking about it. I guess the best answer to my confusion is to talk to him about it and see what he has to say. I am scared to do that though, but I am sure next time it comes up I will have to do it. Everyone thinks I am such a pushover, partly because I am, but if it is something I am really determined to do, then I will do it. I am determined to be more honest with him in hopes that he will do the same. It was not that we were intentionally dishonest with each other last time, but it was just that we both were too reserved with each other to tell the other when we were unhappy. As fun as that all was it ended, because fantasies can't last forever. A relationship has to be real. I think the both of us have grown a lot, but I am still not confident in myself being mature enough to have a serious relationship. To be honest the idea of a serious relationship scares the crap out of me.

Tomorrow I get my new "little sister" through the big brothers/big sisters program. I am anxious, but still very disappointed that I can no longer see my other one. I still have been thinking about her and hoping she's okay. I have noticed that if I go more than a couple days without running I feel myself getting sad for no reason. Maybe that was part of my problem last year. Exercise can really work miracles on my mood. I think I need to keep running for multiple reasons, but that is one of the perks for sure. I need to go study for my lit comp quiz tomorrow. I have to babysit tomorrow from 6-9. I was hoping to start my reading response tonight so I won't be up late tomorrow, but there is no reason for me to stay up late tonight in trying to avoid staying up late tomorrow. I will just do what I can and try not to stress.

Gypsies, Tramps, and Theives

You can hear a great cover of Cher's "Gypsies, Tramps, and Theives" at www.lisaloeb.com. You can also hear a cool cover of Shania Twain's "Don't be stupid." Both songs are for their tribute albums.

Runners High

I was feeling angry at the world today. I was really upset my little sister (through the big brother big sister program) was taken away from her home and put into foster care. She was seperated from her 4 other brothers and sisters. It really ruined my day. I was even more upset, because I didn't get to say goodbye because I was sick last week. It is terrible what kids have to go through today. I was angry because no one seemed to care about it when I told them. Sometimes it pisses me off the world is so cruel and careless to one another.

I went to the nursing home after school. That helped a little, but it is always kind of a sad place. I still didn't feel happy when I came home. I decided to go for a run, because I hadn't ran since the big run Sunday. I am proud of myself I had a really great run. I ran 3.6 miles pretty hard. I was definately tired when I got home, but I felt like a new person. That runners high I have discovered from cross country is one of the best things to happen to me. I feel like a totally different person than I was just an hour ago.

I have no school tomorrow so I am going out with the girls tonight! It should be fun. I haven't hung out with a group of people in a while. I felt bad, because I have so much stuff I need to get done. I can worry about all that tomorrow though. Tonight is a night to just let loose and have fun!

Well, I was all upset earlier and ws planning on writing a lot to vent. Lucky for all of you, I have this runners high and I am feelin great so I have nothing to write about.

Family, Friends, and Jude Law!

I don't have anything in particular that I want to write about, but I realized I hadn't updated since Wednesday. I did do some writing since then, but not for my blog. I had a nice weekend. Friday I stayed up finishing my Harry Potter book. I was disappointed greatly in the ending. I love the intensity in JK Rowling's books, but it was just such a dark, depressing ending that I was appalled. I was determined I wouldn't read the seventh book when it came out, but I have already changed my mind. I am excited for the fourth Harry Potter move that is coming out November 18 as well!

Oh also on Friday, I had a surprise visitor. Brandon called me and when we were talking he was acting like he was in Ann Arbor. At the end of the conversation, he was like, "What would you do if I said I was in your driveway right now?" I ran out looking like a total dork, because I had not changed out of my running clothes and my socks didn't match. He was standing outside holding flowers for me because I had been sick. It was very sweet. It made my whole week. I still do not know where either of us plan to go relationship, but I am just enjoying his company and I hope he feels the same. Sometimes relationships complicate things. He also came over last night to say goodbye before he went to school. He was wearing his adorable glasses and he looked just like Jude Law! I was impressed.

Saturday my family when to Red Lobster with my grandma, grandpa, and Uncle Mike for my parents birthdays. (They are with in a few weeks of each other so we pick a day in between to celebrate.) It was a really nice night with great food and great company. I was happy Adam made it home so we could all do that. It feels like we don't all get to be a real family much anymore. It was nice to have a weekend like how things used to be.

Sunday I had to wake up to run a 10K race! (That's 6.2 miles!) My friend Sarah and I promised to run together the whole time because we both had not ran all week. I thought she would have to be the one dragging me along, but it was actually the opposite. At the one point she was going to walk, but I turned around and literally pushed her to keep running. Our time was terrible, but because there were only three girls in our age group we both medaled. We did not walk either, so that is an accomplishment alone... I could have ran it much faster though, well probably at least 10 minutes faster. It wouldn't have been as fun though.

I must say I am ecstatic, because we do not have school Wednesday. I have promised to use it to clean my room, or at least start working on it, but I will still sleep in and not do homework tomorrow night! It will be fantastic. I love days off! My friend Leslie has also asked me to hang out Friday and we have not really hung out in a long time so it should be nice. I am going to go. I am unsure of what I plan to do after this, but I will find something to do...Most likely homework.

Why Do People NOT Write?

Today I was thinking about how I haven't been writing lately. I began to realize it was because I have been so sick that I have not been paying attention to anything. It is a rather boring way to live...in a state of not noticing what is around me or appreciating anything. How do people who do not write appreciate life to the fullest? It seems to slip by so fast. It is really hard to grasp everything that happens to me. I feel a need to remember each and every moment so I write about everything I possibly can think of, but I am still in this phase of feeling like I have to write quality when I write. I have improved at this from last year. I definately write much more meaningless crap then I used to, and this is a good thing. The more I write this useless junk, the less I feel like I am writing for someone. Natalie Goldberg in Thunder and Lightning claims we are all writing for someone other than ourselves. I may have mentioned this theory of hers before in a blog entry, but the truth is I do not know who I am writing for. She says everyone wants to say they write for themselves, but that is not the case when we search deeper. To be honest I do not really care who I am writing for, but I am just glad that I write. I seriously wonder why people do not write and if the "nonwriters" can live the same quality of life. It just seems like memories fade, things change, and we begin to question the accuracy of the memories we have left. If it is written it is like truth that will remain the truth forever.

I spent most of my day reading my Harry Potter book. It is an elementary book that everyone can enjoy, but I still admire how complex everything is. JK Rowling is so amazing at putting little things that seem trivial in the beginning that then come up to be huge in the end. She has all of this foreshadowing and jumping around. She will have these things pop up, then she will not mention them for a while. It's like when you start to forget everything she ties it all together so nicely and it makes me want to read the book a second time to notice all of the little clues she drops throughout the book. The clues are all there but you can never piece them together until she does it for you. It is so amazing. I really like that style of writing in books and movies both. The kind where everything pieces together in the end. I always find it so cool and interesting. It is really a brilliant skill to have. I hope some day I will be able to write such complex stories.

Oh and the good news is I do not have Mono, but I do have strep. At least that can be cured with an anti-biotic. I am not sure if I will be going to school tomorrow or now. I have this terrible headache when I move and my throat is still sore. I took my first dose of anti-biotic this evening so I guess I will see how I feel in the morning. I probably should get ready for bed just in case.

The "Kissing Disease"

Well, today I stayed home sick. I came home miserable yesterday. The entire day I did such a great job of convincing everyone I felt fine. At the end of the day I finally started telling people I didn't feel well, but I don't know how much they believed it. It seems like I have been sick off and on for about a month. Yesterday really wiped me out though. I had a fever, chills, I thought my head was going to explode and everything hurt. I ended up skipping the optional cross country practice, but I didn go out there to tell coach. I really wanted to run, because it was such a nice day! It will probably be the last nice day for running for a long time. I woke up at one in the morning and I was so cold! I could not get warm for anything, so I took a very hot bath and hoped I wouldn't wake my parents up. I have been sleeping a lot off an on. It has not been continous sleep at all, but that's okay. I went to the doctor today. She said she thought it was Mono or Strep so she sent me to the hospital for some blood work and those STUPID strep tests! I hate those. I am not sure of which one I hate worse the blood work or the throat thing, but it actually went really easily for both of them so I guess I can't complain. It was relatively painless and I only gagged a little. I go through phases of feeling just a little sick and really sick. Right now I just feel achy and tired and the sore throat and headache, but when I get the chills and all that...I feel like I am dying, but I can be kind of a whimp when I am sick, so don't be alarmed.

The worst part about being sick is that I cannot focus enough to read my Harry Potter book. I was all excited when I would be staying home sick. I was all like, "oh I will sleep and read. It will be great!" It hasn't exactly been that great. It has been mostly just sitting staring at the clock, taking naps, and watchin some terrible tv. I guess it's better than school though. I was dissapointed to miss my Big Bro/ Big Sis appt with my little girl. I guess I will have to wait to see her until next week.
wow, this is a really lame post. I am sorry I do not have anything exciting from my day of staying home sick. Maybe staying home tomorrow will be more interesting or more restful.

Care*Less

Sometimes the people closest to me do not even value what I care about most. It can be really hard to be so deeply effected by things that other people do not even understand. It makes me wonder, what are my friends deeply effected by? Sometimes I wonder if they are really even spiritually effected by anything. It seems like all of the things that have helped me grow up the most are secrets or meaningless to my friends and sometimes family. I have grown so much from my trips to S.Dakota, the nursing home, and already my trips to visit my little sister through the big bro/big sis program. I barely talk to my friends or family about any of that. The stories I do tell them do not seem to affect them at all. I guess it is foolish of me to expect them to be impacted by my experiences like I have, but I feel like how could my friends possibly know me when they do not know the things that move me the most. On the same thought, what are they not telling me, because they fear my carelessness? Have they told me significant things that I have discredited?

Today at the nursing home I talked to the one lady for over 2 hours. Normally I split the two hours between two ladies, sometimes I stay 3 hours, but I talke to just one for 2 hours and 15 minutes. I couldn't believe it. I was touched by this woman's determination to communicate with the woman in the bed next to her. This woman next to her has had a severe stroke. She is not supposed to be able to understand or communicate with anyone. The woman I visit is determined that this woman can understand her. The nurses and even the stroke victim's daughter does not believe her. Today I witnessed her attempt to talk to her and the stroke victim would cough everytime she was spoken to or asked a question. Her eyes seemed very alert and she was attempting to mover her mouth. It kind of scared me, because the doctors insist she is not supposed to be able to communicate, but I swear it seemed like she was responding to this woman. The lady I visit insists it's a miracle and that God is with her. I do not know how I feel about that, but it felt special none the less. I do not even know that she was for sure understanding us, but it sure seemed like she was responding to us.

Tonight I carved a pumkin with my little sister and my Dad. It was rather fun. It was nice, because I was a little disgusted when I arrived home at only 4:15, and the family had already eaten and was all in seperate rooms. I was thinking "so much for family time" and I was only gone for at most 3 hours and it was only a little after four. I realize everyone is busy, but I was just shocked that I was forgotten during the short time I was volunteering.

I had a really fun time at my last cross country meet on Saturday. I am sad that it is all over. At least I have the souper run next week. We are still having optional practices, so I guess it is not all over. Oh and speaking of sad changes, I was informed how terrible my schedule is going to be next semester. They are trying to tell me I should change my second hour. That is my independent study class for writing. I really do not want to drop it, because not only is it my favorite class, but I like having an excuse to write all the time. I feel like I have matured a lot from writing so much. I hope everything works out. I am off to write a story for Lit Comp and call Brandon. I am not desperate I swear, he told me to call.

I should be doing homework... (it's easy to see my brother and I are related)

"Good is good and bad is bad, but you don't know which one you had." I had no intention of writing that, but I am listening to that Sheryl Crow song and that line kind of sums up what I am feeling. Everything is good, but sometimes I get in these moods where everything feels so crappy. Today was one of those days. It was just one of those crazy random days where everything feels terrible, and I wonder what is the point in trying. All day at school I just wanted to be in bed away from everyone. It really wasn't a God awful day, but it just seemed like all of the little things were going wrong. I have been feeling very frustrated

with my relationships with my friends. It is nothing personal to anyone, but I just feel like the relationships are taking too much effort. I think it is because we have all changed so much and are ready to all go our seperate ways, but at the same time feeling obliged to spend every second with eachother like we used to. It is like we all want to grow up, but not give up our childhood. Also when I said we have changed, I personally do not feel like I have changed, but I know I must have because I can see that all of my friends have, and they probably can't tell they have either. It is not necessarily bad changes, it is just different. That can be hard to get used to sometimes. I think we are all at different phases of our lives with different priorities. We try to jerk one another along on our dramatic changes, but the other person is too busy focusing on other things. It makes me sad, but I think it is really for the better. I say this, because I am not anxious to go to college at all. It terrifies me that I have to grow up so quickly. I have always been content with my family and my friends. I was in no hurry to rush off and find a totally new life on my own. Now, with all of the changes I think it will make college a healthier experiece for all of us. We will all be anxious to find people heading in our directions with our similiar priorities. I think it will be good for all of our relationships, because we will no longer feel the need to jerk the other ones into our phases. We will be able to do our own thing, yet still care about one another.

I was rejected to give blood today for my third time. It makes me sad, because I always get kind of anxious to give blood, but then when I get all ready to go something is always wrong. The first time I was sick. The second time I had low iron. The third time ( today) I was sick again. That kind of bummed me out also.

Today I went to a local elementary school for the Big Brother/ Big Sister program. I go there every Tuesday to spend time playing games and reading with a 7 year-old girl. She is very clingy and touchy-feely. She is a sweet girl, but she has no idea of how to behave sometimes. I met her little sister and saw them leave with their mother. I do not know why they were leaving school early, but just something about the whole situation made me get a bad feeling in my stomach. I felt sad about it.

After school went great. No complaints there. I was able to lie down a little and just listen to my music. It was really nice after such a day of feeling emotions of such weird, random things. I felt sad, guilty, angry, insuperior, and drained at all different times. I realize it most instances it wass no one's fault. It was just a weird day. It invoked some weird writing emotions though, maybe I will do some good independent study writing tonight... but I think I might just go to bed.

Jenny's Wedding

I remember you spiderweb bangs that were loaded with hairspray.

We loved those identical, teal dresses we wore with matching shoes.

I hated coffee, but we inhaled two cups together to keep us from getting tired.

You made me dump spoonfulls of sugar to cover up the bitterness.

We ran around the Jenny's reception maniacally,

dancing and spinning around to our favorite songs.

We laughed hysterically at Aunt Pat, the alcoholic's silly drunkenness.

I felt so left out watching you and my brother dance as a "couple."

I waited anxiously for the next fast song we could spin around to.

You were my best friend and cousin.

We would laugh together forever.

Now Jenny's been divorced and remarried since then.

Aunt Pat overdosed on Vikadin and Oxy Cotton.

We giggle nervously after all of the awkward silences.

I tell you I wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you,

but I have to let you go.

You giggle, "Thanks hun."

We sit in silence again. Waiting for eachother to speak.

I end the silence by telling you to "Take care."

We then hang up and end the 4 minutes and 13 seconds of hell we'd been living in.

Can I Scream Now?

I am having a hard time refraining from screaming at this exact moment. My stomach is all tight and I am forcing myself to take deep breaths. My visions is a little blurred from being at my mom's computer for hours. I worked all day on my application for
U-M. It is all ready to go. I fixed up my essays, filled in all of the information they require, and then I went to the application inspector. It kept telling me I had left address information blank. The application said if my permanent address was the same as my current address, then I did not have to fill that stuff out. It kept telling me I had incomplete stuff. I tried everything. I would fill what it said I was missing in, then it would come up with more address stuff missing, such as my foreign address. It was very frustrating. I finally broke down and typed in my same address for my Permanent, current, and foreign address. It then accepted everything. I then had my mom check my essays one last time. She found all of these errors. That really stressed me out, because I have had those looked at by other people. I guess the only good news is that tomorrow if I get my essays fixed up, I should be able to send in the U-M application. Now, my State essay has been ready to go. I had it corrected 3 times by ms. eddy. I turned it in for Lit Comp to have my other teacher look at it. He said he really liked it and wanted a copy, BUT he thought the one part didn't go with what I was saying. I made changes to that, but now I also have to have ms. eddy look over it for me tomorrow. It will be a busy day in IND STUDY and a busy day at home trying to send all of the applications in. It really makes me angry, because they were supposed to be ready to go TODAY. I think the fact that I have a cold and my head is congested is why I feel so cranky about all of this. It is just so frustrating because I have been working on these for weeks and everyone keeps telling me how important it all is. Yuck! That is all I have left to say about all of it.

I have been trying my best all weekend to recover from my cold by tomorrow. We have a blood drive on Tuesday and in order for me to give blood I have to be recovered for 24 hours. It wouldn't be that upsetting, except this wil lbe my third attempt to give blood. I was rejected the first 2 times. If I am rejected again I will be upset. The first time I had a cold so they would not allow me to give. The second time they told me my iron was low. I have been taking vitamins with iron so I would be able to give this time. If it turns out I can't because of this cold I will be sad.

I kind of layed low this weekend. I enjoyed that being sick and all. I just didn't feel like doing anything. I did run a cross country meet Saturday. It actually went pretty well for being sick and all. I felt good afterwards. Friday I watched "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants". I really liked it. I think it was cool because it was like 4 coming of age stories as 1. As you can tell from my project I am still working on, I really enjoy coming of age stories.

I feel like I still have a million things to do. I did not go to the nursing home today. I feel bad about that. I wish I could manage my time better, but I have a cold too. It probably wouldn't be good for me to go to the nursing home anyways. At least I have made a lot of progress on my college applications. They still aren't getting submitted. Wow, I need to get my act together.

Am I a Slacker?

I know that I am not a slacker. I must say that I have been feeling like one this week. This is my list of reasons: I haven't had much homework, we had no school Monday, I missed classes Tuesday to talk to English classes about donating blood for our school blood drive, I missed the afternoon Tuesday for an Independent Study Field trip, and I got out at 11:19 today for a cross country meet. I haven't had a full day all week. I feel kind of guilty, but I have loved every second of it. The thing is, it is not just this week. This entire year is going so much smoother than last year. I worry that college will be too much of a shock from this, because I am not stressed enough. I still have had about one stressful night a week, but that's compared to like seven last year. I have been keeping very busy though, so I do not feel like a total slacker. I guess it is a good change to be doing things I actually want to be doing instead of just things I should be. I am working on making my visits to the nursing home more regular. I also started doing Big Brother Big Sister this week. I met my "little sister" on Tuesday. She is funny. I like her, but she is very needy for attention. I have also been instructed to keep my hair in a ponytail for hygiene purposes I find kids so entertaining. I did some babysitting on Tuesday. It went pretty well, but the one kid had an accident and I always freak out on what to do with stuff like that. I can play with kids no problem, but responsibility makes me nervous.

I went to college night last night and a thing at Carter Rehab about Physical Therapy. I get really scared thinking about that far into the future. Everyone made it sound attainable. The lady from U-M remebered me. That kind of makes me feel good, because she meets so many kids.

For independent study I have been going over all of my writing from this first nine weeks. I am really surprised that I can actually see some growth in my writing. I honestly did not think that all of the stuff I do for that class was helping at all. I think my voice is getting stronger and I am getting more honest in my pieces as well. I am beginning to realize I really don't have anything to hide. It's my writing. I can write what I want. I am looking forward to where my writing will go in another nine weeks.
I am hoping to do some writing tonight before ER comes on. I also have a little bit of Lit Comp, but it is only a 30 minute time writing so I know if I don't get it done I can do it in IND STUDY tomorrow. It can't take longer than 30 minutes so that is a good thing. I will probably do it tonight since I don't have a whole lot to do. This weekend I am definately finishing my college Applications. I have saved Saturday for this. I have told everyone I am not doing anything Saturday. I need to stick to this too. I am hoping by telling everyone my plan, that I will stick to it! I am really close to being done. I just have touchups to make. Oh how I love college essays! Especially the ones that have been haunting me for months! It will be marvelous to have them over with!

My Awesome Saturday

Yesterday was a really nice day. I thought things were going to be bad, when my alarm clock was set wrong and I woke up at 5:20 am instead of 6:20 am and got ready for my meet. I was able to go back to sleep a little bit though. I had my cross country meet. I got my P.R. (Personal Record) by nearly 30 seconds. I was unusually excited about that for multiple reasons. One is that for the past two races I have been at least 30 seconds slower than my P.R., the other reason is that I was passed by a girl right before the finish line. I was so unbelievably dead I was going to let her pass me, because I felt like I had nothing left. Then I saw the clock and how close I was to the finish...then my competitivness took over. I sprinted as hard as I could and burned the girl with room to spare! It felt great mentally, but I thought I was going to puke physically. Those kind of races are always the worst physically, but feel the best emotionally. I was really excited to have improved by so much. I came in 56th place. I was kind of dissapointed because the top 50 medalled (There were well over 100 runners). That is the closest I have come to a medal, but at least I know it was my best performance.

After my meet, I went to the U-M Vs Penn State game with Brandon. It was so much fun. I had never been to a U-M game before. There were over 111,000 people. It was such a surreal feeling. I looked around and saw flocks of yellow shirts. It was very overwhelming, but fun. Plus it was an insane game. U-M coming back from losing in the LAST second! It was amazing. The stadium was so loud. I had fun doing all of the cheers the student section does.

After that we got stuck in traffic. I was sad, because I thought I was going to miss Seth Myers (The cute guys from Saturday Night Live). He was in Adrian for some reason performing last night. I ended up missing the performance, but I did get to swing by and get his autograph, a picture, and even talk with him a little. It was so much fun and he was such a cool guy!

Brandon and I then went to dinner and things went really well. We have a really great connection. I haven't decided what will come of our friendship, but I am enjoying his company. Today I went to watch my old soccer team. It was so weird to watch them play without being a part of it. I miss everyone a lot, but I realized I am happy doing everything I am doing now. I was missing how things used to be, but things are not like that on the team anymore. They are not nearly as close as say my freshman or sophomore year. I started to notice the change last year when I played. I have great memories from that team, but things change and I just have to deal with it. I am happy with my cross country team. I am so excited to be off shcool tomorrow. I really need to finish college essays, do homework, volunteer ( I skipped going today:-( ), and I have practice. I also am planning on going to lunch with Brandon. I am sure everyone is sick of hearing about how well things are going for me so I guess I am done blogging. Oh wait... I am sad I didn't see my brother much this weekend, but I guess he'll be home another weekend. I'm off to watch Desperate Housewives.

Lisa Loeb Concert

Last night was the Lisa Loeb concert that I had been waiting for. I was so excited about it. I was worried that it was going to be a let down, because I always get myself too excited for things and then they aren't as great as I expect. This was not like that at all. It was everything I expected and even better. I must say I like Lisa Loeb even more now that I have seen her live. It was just her and her guitar on stage. No loud drums or backup singers to distract me. It was all her. She was not only extremely talented and sounded the exact same as she does on her CD's, but she was hilarious in between songs. I bought a shirt and I was able to get it signed afterwards. I was really excited. She was so short. Sarah, Kristin, and I were obviously the youngest ones there. We were asked our age several times. They were embarrassed, but I told them to embrace it. Lisa Loeb was like "Oh are you guys all friends?" because the three of us took a picture with her. Then she said, "Oh you guys are cute." That was the extent of our conversation. I, of course told her how awesome she was, but I didn't want to hold up the line so that was all I said.

I was worried Sarah, Kristin, and I would get tired and cranky, but we all were super hyper and they both said they had a blast as well. After the show we met up with Kristin's brother John and my brother and his boyfriend. It was really fun. We didn't leave Ann Arbor until 12:15. Then the drive home and all was a blast. We were still really giddy and excited from the concert. I got home and went to bed at 1:30. I woke up at 6:30 and actually did okay getting through the day. I had to make some tea at lunch to take to 5th hour, but it all worked out. I don't have any homework except, IND Study tonight. I think I am going to try to go to bed at like 8, because I am exhausted.

Well, the rest of the week is going to be busy. I am not sure when I will get to post next, but I had to rave about my Lisa Loeb conert. It was the best concert I have been too. I am aware I have not been to that many concerts, but none the less, I would pay to see her again next time she comes close by. I am actually in the mood to write (I haven't felt like it in a while). Maybe tonight I will actually write something of quality instead of the crap I've been writing.

I Do

I do.
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans..
.---Re-post this if you believe in legalizing gay marriage.

"There's beauty in the breakdown"

I had a really nice weekend. I feel good about everything that happened. Friday was such a perfect day. I couldn't have asked for things to have gone any better. Everything went so smoothely. Even my hair appointment was on time and simple. The assembly went well. I was mentioned in four of my friends' "little questionaire" they would read as we walked out. I felt really honored. My friends all looked gorgeous. Brandon came home from school just to drive me in his convertible. I felt really special for him to do that. I saw my grandparents at Applebees with the entire court. I was able to go an talk to them while I was all dressed up. Adam came home, my grandma, uncle, and tons of family friends came. I felt really important and appreciated by everyone. Sometimes everyones lives get so busy I forget to appreciate all of the people that care about me. I got to see numerous people that graduated last year. It made me really sad to see how they were no longer in the student section and how sad they were to see that some of their friends didn't make it back. It made me realize next year at this time I won't get so see a lot of my friends. Some of my closest friends have already established they are not coming home for homecoming. It was very sad to see how much things are changing, but it was beautiful to see everyone spreading their wings and coming back to give me one last hug. I had such a nice time with my family and friends Friday night I stayed up until nearly 2 am. Then I had to wake up Saturday morning to run a cross country meet. I did better than I thought I would in the race, but I still did not run my best time. It was still a fun day. On the bus ride home I had heard one of my good friends had been crying. She was acting fine, but I thought I would make sure she was okay. She started to cry when I asked her what was wrong, so I told her she didn't have to tell me about it. We jsut talked about other stuff, but then all of the real problems came out and she totally broke down. I felt really bad, but I told her she had to stop keeping everything to herself. She never tells anyone what is really going on in her life and she acts so happy ALL of the time. I think she felt better. It was really a bonding experience and it was kind of a beatiful breakdown. It showed she was vulnerable and not as perfect as she tries to be. I think it really made me realize that everyone needs help from people. As much as I hate people in general sometimes, they really can be truly amazing. Our feelings are so amazingly intricate. It really is beautiful. Not to be cliche and mention the garden state song, but there really is "beauty in the breakdown".

Homecoming

This week is homecoming. I was really excited, but I am beginning to not be as excited. I think it is because everyone is taking it so seriously. I thought it was just supposed to be for fun. I guess, everyone's competitive side is coming out. It is making me sad though. I was just excited to get a day off to dress up with my friends and get free food, plus ride in a convertible...but now it seems like everyone is taking it seriously and getting upset with eachother. I am worried that it has gotten personal for everyone. I am also saddened by the fact that Adam can't make it home. I know it's not his fault, but it just doesn't seem fair. All of my friends were talking about their brothers coming home and they all are further away. They all asked me why my brother wasn't coming home. I told them he has a class and it went too late for us to go pick him up and he doesn't have a car. It's mostly true.

Tomorrow is a meet at Bedford. It's supposed to be really hot, just what I don't want for a meet...then Friday is supposed to be really cold, just what I don't want for the homecoming parade. If it doesn't rain I will be happy though.

Last night I got lost. Yes, pathetic in my small town, but it was very scary. I was at the fair grounds building our float. I offered this girl I do not know very well a ride. She lived in a place I was really not familiar with at all... somehow I ended up on a dirt rode in the middle of nowhere turns out it was by the prison. I was scared to death, because of course I did not have my cell phone. After multiple time of turning different ways, I was very shaken up and I miraculous ended up by my Uncle Dick's house. He is actually my great & half-uncle. (My grandma's half brother). He answered the door in his underwear and I felt terribly stupid asking to use his phone and trying to explain the situation. "You been crying?" was his exact quote when I told him I had been lost. I had not been crying I was just very shakin up is all. Plus I felt really sick. When I got home I thought I was going to vomit and my head was throbbing. I wasn't sure if it was what I ate for dinner, being so nervous, or really bad cramps. I found out today 3 other girls on the cross country team had similiar symptoms last night. I wonder what it was. I feel better now though.
I can't complain too much, I am just feeling kind of sad about how homecoming is turning out. Maybe it will surprise me and jsut bea really fun day. I am excited for the parade and lunch! Plus I can't wait to go jewelry shopping with my mom beforehand.

Calling all Girls!

Before I get to my real reason behind this post, I would like to anounce I have quit work. I left on good terms, my boss was extremely nice and understanding. He didn't get mad at all. I am so thankful it all worked out. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I don't know what I will do with all of my free time, but to be honest with cross country I don't have as much free time as I thought I would. I have been having a nice week. It has had its up and downs but it has all worked out for the best. Enough of my normal life though... onto the real reason!

I am hoping to do a project for independent similiar to that book I was raving about, Ophelia Speaks. I thought the different voices were so amazing from adolescent girls. It was so real and deep. I have been ecouraged to do a similiar thing, but I am making a twist on it. I am hoping to make an e-anthology with different pieces of writing from young girls on "coming of age." This can be anything from a story about a spiritual story, a break-up or boyfriend story, feelings witnessing something dramatic, friends, family.... anything at all that shaped you as a person at some point in your journey to adulthood. It can be for all ages of girls as long as it involves "coming of age" or something that effected your coming of age. I am going to have an anonomous folder in ms. eddy's room for those who attend the high school and wish to be left unnamed. Those who are in college... Rhiannon, Ashley, and anyone who stumble upon this. I would love it if you would help contribute to my project. You can email them to me at my e-mail. It should be listed as a link, but I have never done this link thing before. If there is a problem let me know. I know everyone is probably to busy to write for me, but it can be an old piece or anything you think is important. I am hoping to get a good collection going and not just a couple of pieces. I plan to write up a letter one day soon to pass out to girls at school. Thanks for taking the time to read this... I really look forward to reading pieces people will generously allow me to use in my e-anthology. I will list you as the author unless you wish to go unnamed. Write on!

Good Times

This week has actually been pretty fun. I never used to talk about a school week being fun, because it was always the same. Practice, food, homework until the early morning hours. It was hard to enjoy myself in that kind of lifestyle. I am still busy, but I am actually doing things I love. Homework only takes up an hour or so before bed. I like it a lot. I went to Saline with my friend Kristin on Monday. We had to pick up our cross country shirts, that our former Arsenal coach made for us. It was great to see my coach again. He has always acted as a surrogate father to me and my teammates. It was sad to reminisce about all of our good times and hear about how the team is doing without us. Everything is the same as it always was on Arsenal, Kristin and I are just no longer apart of it. I have some great memories from Arsenal, but I do not regret leaving. I love Cross COuntry and I would not be able to do half of what I am doing now if I still had to drive to Ann Arbor daily.

I am having a blast with all of my senior friends. I now make it more of a priority to hang out with them, even if I am tired. I try to enjoy every day, even when I am counting down the hours until school is out. Cross Country is going well. I have gained a lot more confidence than I would have playing soccer. I would almost go as far to say soccer even takes away some of my confidence. I have been making it a priority to stay in touch with my family. I have the Lisa Loeb concert to look forward too on October 11th. I haven't been to a concert in so long and never on a school night. I finally made an acceptable bowl on the potters wheel today after over a week of screwing up. Also I am on homecoming court with some of my closest friends. We will get the day off to dress up and ride in a convertible in the parade. Plus my family will all come to that. I am excited. It should be a blast.

Work is still not my thing. I dread every day going in, but I can't complain too much. I don't get scheduled much (Which is good!) and I still get some spending cash every now and then. This year is a complete 180 from last year. I am enjoying every minute of it. Yes, I still have bad days from time to time. I have just learned how to pay attention to what's important... family, friends, happiness, and my health. I seemed to neglect all of that last fall. Thanks to my friends and family out there for helping this year be so much better than this year. I feel happy and fortunate. I can't fight the urge to say "good times... good times!" like my favority Saturday Nighlive radio D.J.'s.

Take this Quiz

http://quizilla.com/users/Seira.Relur/quizzes/.%20:%20:%20Which%20Astrological%20Planet%20are%20You? : : . [10 Gorgeous Pics!]/


.:Neptune:.
"You are a very passionate person, however,
this passion often remains hidden below the
surface. You have a great deal of compassion
for others and are always willing to help those
in need. You have a great generosity, sometimes
so great that you neglect yourself while giving
to others. You also have a stubborn side,
though, which serves to protect you from being
taken advantage of by those you help."

. : : Which Astrological Planet are You? : : . [10 Gorgeous Pics!]
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I do love weekends

Yesterday I arrived at the highschool at 6:45 in the morning for our away meet up by Detroit. It was very intimidating. There were so many teams and runners there. We had to lace this computer chip into our shoes. It would keep our time and when we crossed the finish line it beeped. We also had to wear those numbers that pin on to our jerseys like the marathon runners wear. I felt so out of place, since I am a first year runner. It ended up being a lot of fun. Varsity girls got to go first. I ended up getting my best time again. I can't believe how much I am improving. I was glad we went first, because then the rest of the day we spent there I didn't have to worry about running. The girls and I all pigged out on junk food and cheered for the boys.

When I got home I found out I didn't have to work because it wasn't busy at all. I was so happy, because then I was able to call Kristin, Sarah, and Cristina (all cross country girls) we all ended up just hanging out and being goofy the rest of the night. It was a really good time, but we were all about to fall asleep by 11:30. It was a very long tiring day for us. The weekend is gone now and I feel like I have a ton to do today. I think I need to make a to do list, becuase I feel overwhelmed and I am unsure of where to start with everything I need to do. I have barely touched my college essays in 2 weeks. I need to work more on them today. I have to do the usual Sunday homework and fill out a bunch of stuff for National Honors Society and the counseling office. I have to go to Saline today or tomorrow to get our cross country shirts from my coach from Arsenal. I also have to stop by the nursing home. There's a ton of laundry calling my name as well. I have to fgure out how I want to accomplish all that. I also want to get in the hottub, but that is obviously not a priority. It would help make me feel more relaxed though. Oh well, tomorrow will come whether I am ready or not. I will jsut do what I can and take it one day at a time... that's my usual weekly trip. Then I save it all for the weekend and do the same thing all over again. Everything is good though. I do love weekends.

So tired

I stayed up sorting out everything last night. I am now drama free. I feel better emotionally, but I am physically exhausted. I ran my best tonight, despite the 90 degree heat. I wanted to pass out at the finish line, but my time was better than it has been. I was seriously setting myself up for fainting at the line. I kept telling myself "Just keep running. You can pass out at the line. You won't even know what's going on and it will be all over!" I also try to sing songs in my head to distract me. I usually sing some upbeat song, but today I kept singing "La Bamba" it was making me laugh, because who sings that when they run?

I have to go to bed early tonight. I am so worn out. I have been trying to go to bed early every night, but for some reason I have been staying up late. Oh on a positive note I am in the top 15 for homecoming court. The top seven will get to be on court. I know that stuff is lame, but I can't help but taking it as a personal compliment. I appreciate being in the top 15. I figure it is best not to count on anything, plus if I don't get on it 3 other cross country girls are in the top 15 as well as my best friend. I figure I will love at least one person in the final seven. It's all good. I am happy people voted for me, I hope it was for genuine reasons and not just because they didn't have a seventh nominee haha. Oh well, a vote is a vote and I am thankful. I don't mean to sound all "drama queenish" on you, but I can't lie that I am appreciative of being a nominee for the court.

I am going to go write a response to E.T. origin. Should be cool, but I want to hurry because I am way tired. I will write some more stuff in my notebook before bed, so I promise I am not slackin on the three pages, ms. eddy (tonight anyways).

What's my problem?

What is my deal? I am very confused. I had my first date in almost 3 years on Saturday. I didn't blog about it, because it was a secret. A friend of mine who reads my blogs (Maybe I should say USED to read them) has been interested in me for a long time now. I have always said I was not interested in a relationship before college. It was not a lie, I really believed that. I met a friend of his and I realized I was interested in his friend. His friend asked me for a date... I agreed. It is nothing personal against the other guy, but I didn't want to play around with our friendship (mainly because Iam so indecisive).

The date went pretty well. The guy was very sweet. He is a singer in a band and really easy to talk to. He tried to be all romantic. We danced in the parking garage, which is by FAR the geekiest thing I have ever done. He did and said everything right, but when I got home I was like "wow I don't think I like him anymore". I have come to the conclusion that I thought I wanted a relationship, but I do not. I just worry that I am being to picky. All of my friends get furious with my excuses for why I do not like certain guys. I guess I just haven't met anyone that makes me all nervous and excited like my old boyfriend used to. I am not saying that my old boyfriend was that special or anything, I just was naive enough to fall hard for him. I find it hard to fall for people that I don't want to take the risk on. I figure if they are special enough I will gladly take the risk.

Now I have screwed everything up. I explained my indecisiveness to my date... This was the day after our date. He was nice, but confused. He wants to know more about it, but I can't bring myself to talk to him about it. I need more time to think. I don't want to date him just because I feel bad for leading him on. I thought I liked him. At the same time my other friends think I am just so set on being single that I am not giving him a fair chance. I went on a fricken date with the kid... I told him I liked him and we acted like a couple for the night (take that however you want). What more do I need to do to give him a chance? Also he told our friend Austin that we went on a date. Austin has now deleted all of the comments he had left me on my blog and disbanned his blog. He avoided me all day at school. He has not even let me explain my side of the story. I did not lie to him. I told him exactly how I felt. Plus I am not his property I do not owe him anything. (Or this is what I have been told, although I still feel like I did something wrong). I have been very nice to him. I feel bad that he is so hurt by me going out once with his friend, but I can't live my life according to what everyone else wants. Plus everyone else wanted me to go on a damn date. My brother said to me "I was beginning to wonder if you liked girls" Yes it has been that long since I have had a date that people think I am gay. I definately deserved a date, even if it wasn't a person I was interested in a relationship with. I am allowed to have a little fun sometimes. It seems like no on else can understand that... Maybe I am the one that can't understand it. I always feel so damn bad about everything. This whole giving the date a chance thing wasn't even me, it was all of my friends saying I needed to forget about hurting people's feelings and just go on a fricken date. I did it. It was overrated. I like the guy he's great. I mean who doesn't like singers in bands? I just don't think I am interested in him in that way.

I am going to tell him we can still hang out, but only as friends. I don't want to just let him down cold. Plus I guess I havent' given him a big enough chance yet. I don't know what the heck my problem is, but I can't seem to know what I want.

Death

I had a sad day at the nursing home today. I have gotten used to seeing/hearing about death weekly from the ladies at the nursing home. I have had multiple heartbreaking visits, but I think today has been one of the worst. Probably because it was more than one person upset for different things relating to death. My first visit seemed normal enough, of course she is lonely and misses her family but she was not down like I had seen her before. I really could relate to her when she said she just wanted a couple hours to herself. Not aiming it at me, she loves having someone to talk to. She meant mostly at night time. She was saying how she cannot get away from people, yet she can be so lonely. There is always someone there. Having no privacy can get old fast. She has been there for years, that makes it hard. She said she used to like to stay up really late and watch the snow fall out of the windows in the TV room at like midnight. No one would be in there then. I feel so awful that she can't ever have total peace and quiet.

The other lady I visit was fine. She is 96, so she has a ton of pains and she can't walk, but she was as fine as she ever is. Her roommate on the other hand was awful. She is suffering from dizzy spells. She sat up and I heard her crying. I had to cut off the 96 year old lady to make sure her roommate was okay. She couldn't even sit up. I told her to lie back down and rest, but she said she was so sick of that. She was so dizzy she ended up lying down. Her phone rang and as she answered it the whole base, (It has a chord.) fell onto the floor. I had to pick it up for her. She tried to tell me thanks, but she was crying so hard she could barely get the words out. She was so pale. Then a bunch of ministers came in and said a prayer over her. It was very loud and almost scary as these large men all shouted different prayers over her at the same time. All the while she was curled up in her bed bawling. I heard her crying to the minister that she had to miss church service at the nursing home that day. They told her it was fine because she was sick, but she just kept crying. I felt so terrible. She calmed down after they left and was calm enough to explain her dizziness, but I wished there was more I could have done.

I felt plenty sad after witnessing such a sad, sick lady cry helplessly. It only got worse as I went into the room of my great great Aunts. She is only in there for a while to recover from heart surgery, but she is having a very hard time coping with the environment of a nursing home. I feel awful, because I have never been close to her. She is always at family reunions, weddings, funerals, etc... but I never took much time to talk to her much. I was always occupied with cousins and grandparents. I talked to her today and she told me how the lady in the bed next to her died at 10am on Tuesday and she was not removed until 3 or 4 pm. My Aunt stayed out of her room all day. She says she feels very claustrophobic, because she is either surrounded by strangers or in a bed surrounded by white hospital curtains. She was crying as I talked to her. I have never been close to her, but I felt myself wanting to cry as I saw my own family member so lonely and sad in a nursing home. That's not supposed to happen to my OWN family members. I don't remember ever giving my Aunt a hug, but as I left I gave her a hug and couldn't help telling her I love her. I didn't even have to think about it. I just said it. I knew it was true. She spoke so highly of my dad. It made me so proud to see that she was proud of him. Our family is far from perfect, but things like this make me realize how hard everyone is trying. I might have looked down on my relatives for all of the pregnant teens, alcoholism , smoking in front of kids with breathing problems, and other reckless behavior... but we are all trying. When it comes down to it we all love each other and take care of the people we care about.

Ophelia Speaks

Things are out of control this week in school. Cross country is not going as well. I am getting slower for some reason. Work is stressing me, because the schedule was never officially done, so I don't know if I have to work tonight. It is finally Friday though! I am thankful for that. I spent last night trying to piece together a reading response out of nothing. Thanks to my brother and then some help from Caitlin in second hour, I have a reading response done. The quality of it, I am unsure of. I tried and I have something. Something is better than nothing. This weekend I plan to do more college essays.

I am reading this amazing book, Ophelia Speaks by Sara Shandler. You probably have heard of it. It was done by this girl when she was 17. She had this ingenious idea to collect poems, stories, and letters from adolescent girls around the country. She began putting them together and narrating her thoughts. It is so genuine. I am amazed that she was able tog et a publishing company interested, girls from all over to send her their writing, and publish the book by her early twenties. What a brilliant young woman. The book is actually rather depressing. It is girls writing about all of their struggles. It includes stories of attempted suicide, drugs, rape victims, dealing with depression, broken homes, eating disorders, and finding ones self. It is truly amazing to see all of the different girls' writing. Some of the things are so well-written even though you know the girl is crazy you begin to understand what they are thinking. I think this will inspire some of my writing on self. I plan to do as much as I can this weekend. I will be honest and say I did not do my three page requirement for Independent Study last night, but I will make up for it this weekend.

It was only a four day week, but I feel very overwhelmed. We have three meets next week, I worry what that will be like. I still don't know what to do about work, it seems to be taking over my life although I really don't work much. I am excited for the weekend. I hope I do not have to work tonight so I can go home and sleep. That is all I am thinking about right now... ah I miss my bed.

Complication

Everything is going well. I am happy overall. I mean I have my good and bad days, but this a completely different environment than last year. Last year at this time everything seemed awful. I felt so pessimistic about everything and one year later, I am completely back to my optimistic self. I am still sick, but it is getting better. I don't have to work tonight, but work is getting better too. Even with everything going so well, I can't help but feel frustrated with how complicated everything seems to be. I guess, all of the complication makes everything more enjoyable when it works out, but I can't help but desire a freebee from time to time. I am always trying to make everyone else happy and now worrying about what I want. Sometimes I feel like I just want to do what I want to do. I want to say I don't care about everyone else, but when it comes down to it, I will make the decision to please everyone. I guess you could say I am "all talk to myself" and no action. It is hard to make the right choice when either you lose or someone else does. Either way I will be unhappy, because I don't like to see other people lose either. I wish everyone could win sometimes. I am competitive as hell, but I really didn't mind YMCA soccer days when everyone wins! We would argue over who won, but then the coach would be like "Everyone won, because it was a tie!" and the little kids all scream and holler. God, that was perfect.

The week is flying since I had Monday off. Work tomorrow, meet Thursday and Boom! it's fricken Friday! I am not complaing though. I think it's fantastic. I just hope the weekend doesn't fly by, but I am sure it will. Time slips away so fast it scares me. I don't feel like I ever get to fully grasp my life. I feel like it is good, but spinning out of control. At track today we ran a route that I did in the summer with just Drew. It was like deja vu because I was running next to Drew, it was super hot, and I was dead tired because I am sick. I was like "It feels like it should be summer with you and I running. It is so weird we have already had 4 or 5 meets and are in our 3rd week of school. Where did the summer go?"

Right now I am listening to the Wallflowers. I have really gotten into them lately. I always have loved their "One headlight" song, but I am obssessed with their "Closer to you" one. It's so beautiful. My friend also just got me listening to this band called Nickel's Creek. I only have one of their songs with this country singer. It is so pretty. It is called "Excuses" if anyone knows it let me know. I just can't get enough of this stuff.

She's Already Gone

She's trying to run away
to anywhere but here.
The girl is moving so fast and so far.
It's too late she's already gone.
She won't even look back to watch them-
watching her run away.
She's got it all figured out.
It is so terrible here.
She is sick of all the let downs.
They love her, but she won't let them.
They apologize,
but she won't forgive.
They wish she knew it's a constant battle
and that people are the same no matter where she runs to.
They try to tell her to slow down before life passes her by,
but she's invincible
and they are weak.
They cannot stop her.
They are weak.

Not What I Need

I just met him.
He is short with acne on his chin.
He has his checkered, punk shoes,
and blue eyes.
Blue eyes.

The flash from my camera blinds him,
while he wears my cowgirl hat.
He's a singer in a garage band.
He wears his pants too low.
I laugh at him and with him.
I laugh.

He is not my type,
but I am intrigued.
He asks me about my past.
I laugh “This is not what I need.”
This is not what I need.

I'm sick

Yeah, it's that time of year when the whole fricken school gets sick. I am just one of the few cross country girls who is suffering from a burning throat and drowing in flem... yuck! Minus feeling terrible, it hasn't kept me from having a great weekend. Friday was the big rival football game between my High School and Tecumseh Indians. The student section from my school decided to dress up like cowboys to add to the show down. I received multiple compliments on my cute cowgirl hat. I had fun dressing like a cowgirl because I think cowgirls are cute. Cowboys are even cuter! We ended up winning the game, no problem! It was great. I couldn't see very well, so I just walked around with some of my friends I don't get to hang out with much. I met this awesome guy from Onsted. He is a singer in my friend's band. He is so not my type, with his checkered punk rock shoes and beanie hat, but he was really fun to hang out with. I might have to go check him out sometime. Their band is performing at a local coffee shop in October. I will try to stop there.

I worked 5 hours yesterday and I did the counter all by myself. It wasn't busy, thank God, but we still had some crazy moments and I handled them alone. I then drove straight from work to my friend's house on Devil's Lake. The party started at 4, but I had to work until 7 so I was fashionably late. We swam at dusk and it was absolutely gorgeous! It was cold, but so much fun. I was having such a good time on the water trampoline with my friend Emily, that I had scraped my knee and it was bleeding down my leg, but I didn't even know. After swimming we went to have a bonfire at my friend's boyfriends house. It was so much fun. It was perfect. It was chilly, but hot by the fire. It was crystal clear and the stars looked fabulous. We were all dancing to the club music they play on the radio on Saturday nights. It was a blast. Although all of the screaming and talking did not help my sore throat at all.

I had practice Friday and Saturday morning, but I have today and tomorrow off! I am excited, since I am sick and all. I have been doing some writing this weekend and I plan to do more. If I write anything worth posting I will.

A Heaven Out of Hell

As I mentioned before I am reading Paradise Lost for Lit Comp. We did a reading response on it. A friend of mine wrote on making the best out of bad situations. I was really intrigued by that. Last night I had a ton of homework after our meet. I missed class when they were discussing the book. I am also missing the quiz in class today, but I still have to take the quiz today. My friends were all stressed about it as well. Several X-country girls went to Cristina's for some fantastic Mexican food. Then we had a little study session. It was a blast. I ended up having a fairly good night, but I have a feeling I won't do so hot on the quiz. I did mybest though, and I made a good night out of one that had the capability of being a bad one. We have another X/country meet today. I am still very sore from the meet yesterday. I am nervous as usual. This 4 day weekend I am planning to get some quality writing going. I want to work more on my story that has grown to 21 pages. I will be posting more things this weekend. I really don't have much to say. I am just bored in keyboarding class, because I am all done. I do n't have any e-mail either. I still have 20 minutes...wow this post didn't take very long.

What I meant by chaos

The title of my blog being"controlled chaos" here is a honest, chaotic entry. I am getting desperate since it is nearly 11 and I have a meet tomorrow. Everything is going just fine. I got payed today. Yay! Lisa Loeb concert October 11th.... I'm stoked! I conferenced in Ind. Study about my 21 page story that is still not complete. It seemed to go well. I am excited to write more about this piece. I am now going to post some random poetry. It is not quality, but it is honest writing practice I want to share with everyone. I swear I will have better posts next time. I am actually going to write down some topics to choose from instead of babbling. Oh and thanks for the support on the last post everyone. It really made my day.

I
I can't
I can't change
I can't change that
I can't change that I
I can't change that I don't
I can't change that I don't always
I can't change that I don't always follow
I can't change that I don't always follow directions.
I try to listen and not talk so much.
I try to listen and not talk so
I try to listen and not talk
I try to listen and not
I try to listen and
I try to listen
I try to
I try
I

I am running around in circles.
I don't know where the hell to go.
Do I even desire a finish line?
I just want to be free to run,
but I still need a trail to follow.

Random is scorned upon as thoughtless,

because it cannot be controlled.

I like to embrace my lack of control,

like when I sleep so peacefully

that I cannot control my dreams.

I dream of illogical things

Math is complicated

Relationships are complicated.

I. Hate. Puncutation! It? Always; screws with me:

I love writing. It always helps me sleep.

Individuality

It's been a fun weekend. I find myself sitting here discontent, though. I just don't get it. Everything is going fine. Just this morning I was thinking how fortunate I am. Everything has been going fairly well. Now I am sitting here obsessing about every silly little thing I screwed up this week. I realize every second of every day cannot be perfect. That's what makes the good stuff so exciting. How come I do and say things to prove I don't care what people think, then I obsess over what people are thinking about it? It is a foolish game I insist on playing. It's like people who play the lottery, they know they aren't going to win, but they pay the dollar for the hope it gives them. I guess I figure after I make an idiot out of myself in front of people so many times, I will get a little tougher and not care what they think. It doesn't seem to be working, but I keep trying.

I am sick of trying to be an individual. It's too much work. I guess I'm just the same as everyone else. We can't all stand out. There has to be the unoriginal people to make the original people look so original. To be original is to put yourself out there for criticism. I seem to be able to do that, but then I can't take the negativity. For example, I wrote this crappy piece about my bed in Independent study. It was just a writing practice and it was not exciting, just very descriptive. My bed was where I wanted to be, so I had no problem writing about it. I was using the bottom of that page to write what all I had to do this weekend down in Student Senate. One of the popular girls I have always been intimidated by, was secretly reading the piece over my shoulder while I wrote my list at the bottom.

"What's that for?" she asked politely, but I could tell she thought I was some crazy girl who writes crap, because that's what it was. I played it off and told her I was just making a schedule for the weekend, even though I knew she was asking about the writing.

"Oh I see. Nice," was her answer, but I know it was not genuine. She is probably thinking how stupid I am for writing in general, let alone such crap as she read. I know it shouldn't bother me, that she doesn't know I am in a writing class. Plus just because she doesn't understand the reasons for writing, doesn't mean I have to play dumb to them. I am really struggling with writing lately. I have some more to do for class. I get these ideas, but I can't follow through. I think it is this "fear" thing Natalie Goldberg addresses in her "Thunder and Lightening" book. I guess I am afraid of what I might write or who might see it. God, forbid I expose my weaknesses through writing. I think it's more of, I am aware of my weaknesses, but I don't want to write about them because they embarrass me. I will work on that, or I can just stick to writing comic pieces, those are always fun.

I have homework to do yet and I did have a nice weekend. Friday I went to dinner with friends, Saturday we had practice through the woods in the morning. It was very fun. Afterwards Sarah, Kristin, and I went to Cougar Cup. Then I went to Ann Arbor with the family to go to dinner. I couldn't have asked for a nice Saturday, but now I am paying the price today with all of the untouched homework.

Racin' Towards Satisfaction

I did it! I ran our home course today. It was amazing. Coach had warned us that our times would not be very good, because our course is one of the hardest in the state. It is very hilly, to say the least. I actually ended up beating my time from Saturday by well over a minute!! That is insane. I cannot explain it. It felt great. Well, at the end I wanted to puke as I exited the woods to finish the last quarter of a mile. I was truly exhausted. My legs, lungs, and stomach was burning. I really didn't think I was capable of running faster, but I heard the girl behind me catching me. I refused to let her pass me, because it took me over 2 miles to pass her. I sprinted as fast as my legs would allow. I wanted to collapse when I finished, but when I saw my time I was so excited. It was great. I felt so in shape and healthy. Our entire team got killed, our best runner taking 10th and then myself taking 13th. That means that in the top 15 at least it was all Monroe runners except Kayleigh and I. Everyone did so well though. In terms of personal reacords and all. I was really proud to watch all my teammates. It is such a cool sport. Everyone is just doing their best and encouraging each other. I love it.

Today went really well. Everything seemed to go my way. I love having days like that, but it always scares me. I usually have a really bad day to follow them. I hope tomorrow goes well.People can say karma isn't real, but it always seems to take course in my life. I have an English quiz on Paradise Lost. I am unsure how to study for it. I think I am going to go in in the morning to ask for help. I missed some of that class for C.C. today. Everything is going well, but I feel like Ihave a ton of homework I should do this weekend. It is weird. It all sneaks up on me. I have all this stuff I should be doing, but my curse of procrastination kills me. This weekend I am going to try to get back on track and even a little ahead.

Saturday I am supposed to go with a prayer group tp the Sand Dunes to swim and stuff. It sounds fun, but it is going to take my whole day. I was excited to have a weekend off from C.C. and work. I don't know if I will go for sure. There is a comedian going to be in town I wanted to catch as well. I just don't know. I wish all of my "Stress freee" time wasn't so stressful. Things have been going well overall though. Cross COuntry is really making me feel good about myself. I think I have been needing some kind of activity to boost my confidence. Tomorrow is Friday. I can't believe my first week of school is done. This year is going to fly by faster than a jetplane.