Congratulations. You've Turned into a Hippie.

I just had a spiritual moment sitting alone under a tree. I had no laptop, no Ipod, and no cell phone. It was just me and a squirrel that kept looking at me and then scurrying away, but always coming back. I could hear birds and the wind around me. I felt at peace. Well, I felt at peace after a while, and that only lasted for one exhale, but I felt it nonetheless! Does peace even suggest that joy and grace are not far? I sat in the lotus position and took deep and slow breaths. I get impatient just focusing on my breath, so I try to pick a word. I try to use the word I learned in Elizabeth Gibert’s book. The word is “hamsa,” and it means “I am that.” It is supposed to be like the sound of your breath. “Ham” is the inhale and “sa” is the exhale. It sounds pretty and seems like a great mantra, but it just doesn’t do the trick for me. It doesn’t feel natural to me enough to control my mind, because it doesn’t mean anything to me unless I think about it. It doesn’t create that feeling in my entire body like my soul feels the word when I say it. The only word I have had success with while meditating is “wisdom.” Wisdom means a lot to me and I love everything about the way it makes me feel and the things it makes me think of. I feel like it is the one thing I can control and I always seem to bring my thoughts back to it. It wasn’t long before my leg started hurting and my head was hurting from uneven breathing. I still have to work on that.

I decided to just sit natural and let my mind wander after actually concentrating for the first time in a while. As I sat there I began to realize that I need a solution to my spiritual problems, so I sat there and had a conversation with the universe. I prayed for the first time since everything, but it wasn’t to a god or anything like that. It was to the universe, or anything really. I decided to have a conversation with the universe, because I liked how it sounded. I explained that I know that I am not the center of the universe, even if I might act that way sometimes. I also know that there is something bigger than me even though I like to pretend I am in control at all times. I kept meeting eyes with the squirrel through all of this. He seemed to be judging me, but he must have figured I was okay because he didn’t leave me. I explained to the universe that I couldn’t address this spiritual energy as God, because that has such human connotations to it. I think of the angry masculine character from the Bible when I think God, and I don’t want that. I also knew that I didn’t want to pray to God, because God has so many extremities attached to it. I don’t want something that people are fighting about; I don’t want something that people tell me I have to believe and force me to give in to out of fear; I don’t want someone that is watching me at all times. I want a power that I can acknowledge and strive to become one with that is not a needy human who gets angry or sad when I ignore it for a while. It is a power that might leave me feeling angry and sad when I ignore its power, because I love holding and being with that power so much. “So where does this leave me?” I asked the universe. I opened my eyes to look at the tree protecting me and the answer came to me, “Under a tree.” I thought that was a ridiculous answer and that it was my mind playing tricks on me, but I went with the thought. “It leaves me under a tree, so what?” I think that is the point. Why does it matter where I sit with labels and religion? I can’t believe how hard it is to not claim a label. I have given in to the atheists in most arguments, but I don’t belong with them either. I am too spiritual for them, not saying that atheists aren’t spiritual. I just feel that it is not to the depth and intensity that I need. I sat there thinking about wanting to share my spirituality, but I realized that I couldn’t articulate it yet. I was thinking about the people I know who just have some type of spiritual energy glowing off of them that is contagious and enters me when I am near them. All I could think of to describe this was a universal love. It is always people that love life that have such a glow about them. It is so rare, but so intense. It is like I can’t run from the spiritual feeling they create in me, and I finally figured it out to be love. “Wow. You are a genius. It's all about love, man,” I thought sarcastically. “Congratulations you’ve turned into a hippie.” I looked around disagreeing with this oversimplification I had created, but then I realized I was sitting underneath a tree with no shoes on while meditating. I laughed and walked home. The universe has quite a sense of humor. When I got there I listened to Tom Petty’s “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” to take the hippie thing and run with it. Okay, so I might be a bit of a hippie sometimes, but so what? I plan to explore my thoughts on prayer and love sometime when I am not supposed to be cramming and typing a paper.

That's Just the Way it Is

I am blogging from under a tree on a picnic table. It is beautiful outside. I am really thankful for the weather this weekend. I have spent a lot of time outside. I have even been working on my big paper outdoors. I just took a few pics with my webcam of the location I am sitting at. It is right between two of our busiest academic buildings. There are normally tons of people here, but now it is just me and two other people alone on opposite sides of the lawn reading.


A lot has happened in the past week. Too much to blog about, but I have changed. I think it was more of me realizing how much I have changed. I was struck by the fact that I can never go back and that things will never be the same, and I was surprised that I wouldn’t want them to. I also started thinking about how all of my relationships with everyone in my life are changing. No one has all of the answers for me anymore and that is hard to deal with, but also very freeing. Last year I really started struggling with how so many things seemed to be a gray area. Disagreements with friends could no longer be solved with someone wrong and another right. This year I have realized that everything is a gray area. I find this extremely frustrating, yet empowering. I had an argument with a friend the other day that was really painful for both of us, but I realized no one was entirely guilt-free and no one was entirely wrong. I liked that I didn’t have to seek affirmation from so many people to see if I was wrong or right. I still had to vent about it to a couple of people, which I hate doing, but it just helps me feel better. I apologized for being an asshole and she apologized for making me feel like she didn’t respect my beliefs. We had to agree to not discuss our beliefs right now, because we are both is such different and vulnerable places.

I have my schedule done for next semester. I have so me interesting classes that I am really excited about. It is so strange to be completely in charge of my schedule and know where I want to go with a major. Things are really changing and it is definitely for the better. I am making more of my own decisions now and less concerned about pleasing everyone. I still have some issues with wanting to please everyone, but on things that are really important to me I have learned to stand up for myself. My new therapist reminded me of a few things I have done in my past that make me seem very strong and wise for my age, which is contradictory to me telling her that I have been a pushover for so long and that everyone else thinks so too. She was very complimentary of the few things that I have stood up for. She was most impressed by why my relationships have ended and the fact that I did not get confirmed. She said how those things take a lot of guts, and if I were a pushover I would not have stood up for myself and my beliefs in those situations. Hearing her say that made me realize I have been looking at my past from the wrong lens. That is not going to go away easily, but it is nice to have another perspective of events that are burned in my brain from another perspective.

I had an epiphany last night that I have been trying too hard to keep the people that used to know me following me on my journey, which is not possible. I have noticed my e-mails to people getting longer and my phone conversations getting shorter. That is because I just can’t articulate everything that is going on and I think I am better at it by writing, but to outsiders it just appears to be a long boring e-mail. I have realized that I need to accept that not everyone is going to know me like they used to, and I have to deal with the fact that less people really know me. That could be partially my fault for not knowing myself before. My old therapist said he thinks I have been going through an identity crisis, which doesn’t usually happen until people reach mid-twenties. He thinks that despite the pain from not having a lot of support from my peers, because I still have a good support system of adults and peers in my life that I will actually be in really great shape when I get through this. That made me feel good as well. I am worried about how this summer will go with all of my old relationships. I think it could be a challenge, but it will nice to be at home for a while too.

Intolerance, discrimination still prevalent in society - Voices

This was one of the two letters they featured in our school newspaper in response to a controversial editorial. I was pretty excited that mine was one of the two letters published!


Intolerance, discrimination still prevalent in society - Voices

Nightmares

I don't want to go to sleep, because I know I will have nightmares about all of the images and interviews I have seen with people from Virginia Tech. I met a kid that goes there over Spring Break, but luckily he is okay. My friend, Adam, pointed out how far worse genocides and massacres happen everyday in third world countires and no one stops to think about it. I agree with this, but I think I am so bothered by these images, because these are all students. They were shot in academic building which is so real and scary to me. The academic buildings here have tons of people in them at any given time. It just seems so real to see images of such terror on a college campus that looks similar any other college campus. I can't get the shootings out of my head and I worry about sleeping. I am going to try though, because I have far too much to do tomorrow and the rest of the week to be dead tired.

I stayed up talking to my friend Dashon tonight. He is struggling still and that hurts me. I believe in him so much, but he is blinded by depression and feels hopeless. He also talked about how exhausted he is. Depression is so draining; it feels impossible to go on. They increased my dosages today for my anti-depressants, because I am seeing results, but not enough. I still have been having mood crashes (like tonight) and regressions back to the old routines. I am angry all of the time too. While anger might be apropriate in many cases, I feel like it is taking over. The increase in my dosages should have me seeing results in no time. I am confident they will make me feel better after the improvements I have already seen, but nothing is a miracle worker. Life is never easy and they are not drugs that numb you from all of your pain. It's not that easy.

I feel so burned out from everything right now. It's only going to get worse. I need to sleep.

Don't Think

Innocence

I love God and I love Jesus.
I CAN TELL YOU LOVE THE CHURCH.
YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD KID.
I said the rosary all by myself.
I tried to do it twice, but accidentally fell asleep.
THE ANGELS FINISHED IT FOR YOU.
WHY DID YOU GIVE AWAY ALL OF YOUR MONEY?
I heard Uncle Tom tell me to
donate all of my first communion money.
NO, HONEY, HE DIED BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.

Naivety

If God is above humans, then why do we say he?
GOD IS NOT MALE OR FEMALE, BUT WE JUST SAY HE
[BECAUSE WOMEN ARE WEAK. WE ARE MAKING YOU WEAK].
When does humility become self-destructive?
HUMILITY IS THE MOST NOBLE OF THINGS.
[GOD LOVES YOU MORE IF YOU HATE YOURSELF.]
Why are Christians mean to people who don’t follow them?
Why don’t they just love their neighbor and turn their cheek?
CHRISTIANS AREN'T MEAN TO THOSE WHO NEED HELP, BUT THEY
HAVE TO MAKE SURE TO LET SINNERS KNOW THEY NEED TO BE SAVED.
What if we are wrong? Why not listen to their beliefs?
THEY ARE SINNERS; THEY WANT YOU TO STRAY AWAY FROM GOD.
Maybe God wants us to stray away in order to share
light to those in darkness. What if we have to enter
the darkness to reveal the light, instead of dominating it
and controlling its power amongst ourselves?
NO. GOD DOESN'T WANT THAT. READ THE BIBLE.

Truth

Hypocrisy is real. It is all there is.
EMBRACE IT AND FORGIVE YOURSELF.
I don’t need to forgive myself. I need to forgive you,
but I can’t so I breakdown. I see how you’re all so
fake now. I would laugh at your childish fantasylands
that don’t fit together, but they cut me too deep. It hurts until
I clean it out with alcohol. It’s pretty funny then.
I call you. I call you out. The cut is still infected.
YOU ARE SO INTOLERANT, WRONG, AND BITTER.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SAINT YOU WANTED TO BE?
I’m intolerant? Your humor hurts. You taught me
yourself that all the saints are dead. I’m almost dead.
Do you want me to be a saint now?
Watch what you say, because I will.
I DON'T KNOW YOU ANYMORE. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU.
Walk away like the coward and fake that you are.
You don’t care and never did. You just want to
be able to quiet your fear by reminding that nagging
beast consuming you, that you are earning your
spot in Heaven. You have scared yourself with flames
from Dante’s fictional adventure. It haunts your
thoughts the way I used to fear the flames and lava
from Aladdin. I outgrew that fear when others laughed
because it was fiction. You don’t get laughed at,
instead you laugh at yourself. It dominates and ruins your life.
You can’t handle it alone, so you try to dominate and ruin mine.

Stairs

Head throbs
Drool on pillow
Careless and depressed
Trying to function like I’m normal
Sick and tired of the cold, life, and breathing
Life is climbing a flight of stairs. When will I fall down?

Have a Seat on the Couch

I am not sure how to begin, so I guess that will be my introduction. I am so spaced out and apathetic again. It really is crazy. I just don’t care about anything tonight. I can’t stop thinking about things that I don’t want to and can’t think about thinks I need to…aka math. I am so frustrated that I never know how I am feeling. I seriously have to sit and think to give a real answer of how I am doing for the select group of people who really want to know how I am doing. Tonight I think I am okay. It is hard to tell. I felt awful and laid in bed typing and listening to music for a couple of hours until my friend from World Peace Initiative came over to help me make a template for the fliers we will be handing out for the religious tolerance video we are showing. We are showing a religious tolerance movie to counter the movie the Young Americans for Freedom (An RSO that was accused of being a hate group at MSU) showed. The video they showed was a bunch of terrorists claiming that they practiced Islam. One of the girls from W.P.I. went to the protest and then sat in on the movie. She said it was a movie entirely based on fear and had very poor logic. When I heard about the protest happening the night of the movie, I was ready to go. I was ready to take a stand and let some of this random anger out towards a good cause. I am glad we bounced the idea around in our meeting, because we decided the protest was most likely going to cause more animosity on campus and it would not be a good way to create peace. I needed rational people to keep me from letting my emotions take over. We came up with the idea of talking to one of the Religion professors and asking for their help to select a quality movie to show religious tolerance. I don’t know how it is going to go. I kind of feel like not everyone in W.P.I. is totally enthused about it. I kind of feel like even the president is having her doubts, but I think we are going to see it through, because several of us are passionate about showing it (I am one of them).

On another note, I had to meet with my literature professor Friday morning to get help on a paper. He is the one that is dating my favorite English professor from last semester. Apparently she told him I was considering and English major and he asked me about it. I told him I was growing more and more passionate about it, and I was fairly certain that was the direction I was heading. He gave me a list of professors that could help me sign a major that would also help me tailor it to fit my interests (He is moving to Miami next fall to pursue his doctorate, so he can’t help me past this year). He gave me his mentors name for one of them. He said his mentor knows him and his girlfriend and that I could drop both of their names and they would put in a good word for me. I was so excited and motivated after talking to him, because it was so nice of him to help me out like that, and I was surprised his girlfriend told him I was interested in an English major. I talked to an academic advisor on Friday as well, and she seemed very supportive of an English degree. I think I am going to major in English with a focus on Creative Writing and a minor in Religion, although I still have to talk to someone in the Religion department to get more information on that. I received an e-mail from my literature professor last night. He e-mailed me to tell me about a special academic advising type of program that the English department is putting on called, “What can I do with a major in English?” He told me that one of the professors he recommended I talk to would be there, and he suggested I go introduce myself. I can’t believe how helpful my professors have been in all of my classes here at Central. Any of the professors that I have taken the time to get to know and ask questions are tremendously helpful (I usually don’t get to know my big lecture classes professors, but even my Bio lecture instructor was helpful…intimidating, but helpful). I also developed a friendship with my Biology graduate assistant; because I got to know her really well, since I always had questions and she was really good at being very approachable and available, and it turns out we have a lot of things in common. I still stay in touch with her. I just can’t believe the type of help I have received in my classes from my instructors. For being a bigger school, I feel like I have received a lot of one on one attention from professors whenever I need it. I was very impressed that my literature professor took the time to personally e-mail me to tell me about that English event. I know people think that all of my struggles this year are because of being away from home and college, but I really do like Central. My professors have all been helpful, I like the campus, I have seen a tremendous about of intellectual speakers, as well as comedians, and TV stars here, I love my club the W.P.I, and the dorms are nicer than any other school’s that I have visited, the cafeteria in my dorm is better than most, I have an amazing workout facility in my dorm (TV’s on every treadmill), a computer lab where I get free printing, and being further away from home has forced me to become a little more independent and made me stronger. I do not regret the distance at all (well it does suck when I am super anxious to get home, or a big event comes up that I have to miss, but still I wouldn’t change it). I also like the fact that I am not up here with a ton of people from high school. I think that would have really restricted my growth.

I went to an official licensed psychologist yesterday, and that was quite a strange experience. I felt like I was in a movie with the stereotypical shrink that takes notes while I sit on a couch, well actually a loveseat. She had a couch and a loveseat, but the couch seemed to cliché and creepy so I selected the loveseat. She asked me tons of questions about a wide variety of topics, and some of them made me so uncomfortable that I was sweating…a lot. Adam says that’s the sign of a good therapist, though? I thought I had really gotten over my fear of talking about personal things from my last therapist. I thought I had covered all of my strange phobias and issues and was getting to be a pro at talking about them, even to people I probably shouldn’t have told them too. It just was getting to a point with all of my apathy that I just didn’t care what people thought anymore (It sneaks up on me later and then I care, after it’s too late). Well, my new therapist is very intuitive. She picked up on my guilt issues without me even saying the word guilt at all…which I guess is not that spectacular. They are pretty obvious. She also seemed to know just what to ask for things I didn’t want to answer and for things I couldn’t answer. I was thinking I was really self-aware after this year, minus all of this depression stuff, but she seemed to rip away that front pretty fast. I think it could help me, as uncomfortable as it is, but I am upset about her location. I was told it was in walking distance, but luckily my friend offered to give me a ride yesterday so I could figure out just how far it is. It seems like too far to walk, and I thought about biking, but I have to take this busy road that has no sidewalk and hills…so I think that would be a problem. I set up an appointment for two Thursdays from now, but it is going to make me late to class, that is if I can even find a way to get there. I think I am going to try to walk there with James and Beth on nice day (provided we have one). Although, even if I can walk eventually I will either need to skip my 11am class or have a ride back to go straight to class. Maybe I can walk there and have James pick me up? I don’t know. It is tough, because she fills up quickly, my schedule has not been fitting with her well, and then the issue of getting there is a problem, because should I bum a ride I have to check my friend’s class schedule. Plus, I just don’t feel comfortable asking my friends for a ride every week. It just doesn’t seem right.

I really am trying to take care of myself, because I just don’t feel healthy. I have been trying to eat healthy and eat vitamins, but I have not had time at all this week to work out. I did go for a run outside on Sunday morning for the first time all year. It felt really good, but I am still sore from it. I am looking forward to going home this weekend. I am hoping to lay low, but that never happens when I go home for a short weekend. I am excited, nonetheless, though.