I am caught in the middle of trying to remain in the old, comfortable phases that are slowly disposing of themselves, as well as trying to grow into the new phases that aren't quite here yet. It is a strange, strange place to be. Each day brings me a little bit closer to the new challenges awaiting me, and brings more closure on the old.
I am working full time now. After my short job experience last year, I did not have any confidence to seek work this summer. I had not planned on working, but the job offer came to me, and I could not turn it down. I am thankful for that, because not only did I need the money, but I needed the confidence that I am capable of working. I am working as a teacher's assistant at the Migrant schools. I love it so far! Don't get me wrong, every morning is a struggle to wake up and get there. I also look forward to coming home a great deal...but while I am there I love it. It feels so good to be making money, and not be miserable in the proccess. The kids are so lovable and cute! They have helped me decide that I plan to do my "Witness" for South Dakota on "How I see Jesus in kids." I am working with the Kindergarten kids, and I already love all of them. My favorite part of the day, is waking them up from their naps, because they sleep so soundly, and they whine, and make funny faces. Many of them end up getting up, only to fall back over and sleep again. It is adorable. Tomorrow, and most Fridays, we will be taking them to the community pool. It will be chaotic, but a great deal of fun.
Kristin and Dawn leave this Sunday at 7am...talk about weird. It is going to make me really sad when it hits me that they are gone, but I think it will also invigorate this new phase of my life. I am excited for them, because I know how excited they are. I also know that it will help us really appreciate our time together. I am just sad, because things won't be quite the same. I won't be able to just walk over to their house or randomly do things. Everything will have to be planned. I guess, plans aren't all bad, but it will be different.
April is now gone for the summer to Boston. What will I do without spiritual guidance? haha I think it could be a good thing she is leaving for a little bit, because I was beginning to depend on her spiritual affirmations. I need to own my faith a little more. I probably wouldn't be this relaxed about it, if I didn't know that she will be back in time to visit before I leave for Central (Aug. 19). I already have this strong urge to e-mail her and talk to her about some cool spiritual things I have read about/talked about the past few days...but I figure I should wait a week or at least a few days. With as many spiritual moodswings as I have, I should probably force myself to wait a week at all times...but I like capturing my many different, intense extremes. That is why I write about them...speaking of writing. I have been hardly writing at all. I have been reading some, but not nearly as much as I would like to. Right now I am reading the book "God's Politics," by Jim Wallis. He is also going to be speaking at the conference I am going to in September alongside my favorite, Anne Lammot. After talking to April about all of the details about the conference, I couldn't be more excited for it. It is going to be such a fun, spiritual weekend...that will be all about me. I am hoping to get that same type of spiritual feeling that I get in South Dakota, but in this case it will be about me, and not serving people. Serving people is a great way to get in touch with my spirituality, and I enjoy it a great deal. It just is very exhausting and sometimes heartbreaking. This conference, on the other hand- will be about encouraging my spiritual life, meeting my favorite author, hanging out in California with other spiritual people...I seriously can't wait!
I learned yesterday that my grandma entered the program to become a nun for 8 days. It amazes me that she was always so religious, so Catholic even. She said "when you take one step to God, he takes 9 to you." She claimed that she thought she was blessed throughout her life for her intentions to become a nun. She left on the eighth day, because her mom was going to have surgery and her dad did not want her in there. She also had some great thoughts on faith. I really admire my grandma's faith. She is a pretty cool Catholic. Sometimes she makes me feel like I could get confirmed Catholic. April makes me feel like that too. I guess, we will see what college brings and how my education and spiritual experiences make me feel. The thing that also made me consider confirmation, is my weekly podcast. They talked about how Religion, is really just a language for us to express our own spirituality. We don't understand all of the languages out there, but for some people some are easier than others. It isn't a matter of what language is best, but that we can express out souls with one. The rabbi that was on the program, also said that she suggests that people look hard into their religious roots. She said a lot of times that is where you will find comfort to express yourself, because it is familiar. It made me realize that being "Catholic" or any other religion, does not separate me from the many other spiritual people out there. I am really getting a lot out of some of the Buddhist philosophies that I am reading about. They really coexist with my beliefs very well. You can be Catholic, and follow Buddhist philosophies...I never knew that before.
Things are going well, overall. There are plenty of little things, but I guess there always is. I am thankful for how things are going. I am looking forward to spending practically this entire weekend with Kristin and Dawn before they go. I hope it does not prove to be dissapointing, because I want it to be a perfect end to our old high school days. It is sounding kind of unorganized at the moment, though.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
A Quote that Moved Me
I have been talking with some incredible people about religion. I have been reading spiritual books about morality, and I have been listening to my NPR show "Speaking of Faith" weekly. Between those things I have been feeling this overwhelming sense of excitement that makes me feel as if I could do anything. At the same time, I wonder how much is really sticking with me. I need to just keep reflecting on spiritual ideas that move me. Here is a excerpt from an essay "Healed, Whole, and Holy" by the author Madeline L'Engle, I think it is something I admire very much.
"In the world of literature, Christianity is no longer respectable. When I am referred to in an article or a review as a 'practicing Christian' it is seldom meant as a compliment, at least not in the secular press. It is perfectly all right, according to literary critics, to be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Sufi, or a pre-Christian druid. It is not all right to be a Christian. And if we ask why, the answer is a sad one; Christians have given Christianity a bad name. They have let their lights flicker and grow dim. They have confused piosity with piety, smugness with joy. During the difficult period in which I was struggling through my 'cloud of unknowing' to return to the church and to Christ, the largest thing which deterred me was that I saw so little clear light coming from those Christians who sought to bring me back to the fold.
But I'm back, and grateful to be back, because, through God's loving grace, I did meet enough people who showed me that light of love which the darkness cannot extinguish. One of the things I learned on the road back is that I do not have to be right. I have to try to do what is right, but when it turns out, as happens with all of us, to be wrong, then I am free to accept that it was wrong, to say, 'I'm sorry,' and to try, if possible, to make reparation. But if I have to accept the fact that I am often unwise; that I am not always loving; that I make mistakes; that I am, in fact, human. And as Christians we are not meant to be less human than other people, but more human, just as Jesus of Nazareth was more human.
One time I was talking to Canon Tallis, who is my spiritual director as well as my friend, and I was deeply grieved about something, and I kept telling him how woefully I had failed someone I loved, failed totallly, otherwise that person couldn't have done the wrong that was so destructive. Finally he looked at me and said calmly, "Who are you to think you are better than our Lord? After all, he was singularly unsuccessful with a great many people."
That remark, made to me many years ago, has stood me in good stead, time and again. I have to try, but I do not have to succeed. Following Christ has nothing to do with success as the world sees success. It has to do with love."
"In the world of literature, Christianity is no longer respectable. When I am referred to in an article or a review as a 'practicing Christian' it is seldom meant as a compliment, at least not in the secular press. It is perfectly all right, according to literary critics, to be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Sufi, or a pre-Christian druid. It is not all right to be a Christian. And if we ask why, the answer is a sad one; Christians have given Christianity a bad name. They have let their lights flicker and grow dim. They have confused piosity with piety, smugness with joy. During the difficult period in which I was struggling through my 'cloud of unknowing' to return to the church and to Christ, the largest thing which deterred me was that I saw so little clear light coming from those Christians who sought to bring me back to the fold.
But I'm back, and grateful to be back, because, through God's loving grace, I did meet enough people who showed me that light of love which the darkness cannot extinguish. One of the things I learned on the road back is that I do not have to be right. I have to try to do what is right, but when it turns out, as happens with all of us, to be wrong, then I am free to accept that it was wrong, to say, 'I'm sorry,' and to try, if possible, to make reparation. But if I have to accept the fact that I am often unwise; that I am not always loving; that I make mistakes; that I am, in fact, human. And as Christians we are not meant to be less human than other people, but more human, just as Jesus of Nazareth was more human.
One time I was talking to Canon Tallis, who is my spiritual director as well as my friend, and I was deeply grieved about something, and I kept telling him how woefully I had failed someone I loved, failed totallly, otherwise that person couldn't have done the wrong that was so destructive. Finally he looked at me and said calmly, "Who are you to think you are better than our Lord? After all, he was singularly unsuccessful with a great many people."
That remark, made to me many years ago, has stood me in good stead, time and again. I have to try, but I do not have to succeed. Following Christ has nothing to do with success as the world sees success. It has to do with love."
Monday, June 12, 2006
Satisfied
I cannot believe that I am admitting that I am completely satisfied with everything in my life right now. Of course, there are a ton of things that I wish were different (I wish I could find my cell for one). I am just so proud of myself for understanding that life is good right now. Life is never perfect, it is easy to let the bad outweigh the good. I am happy to say that at this exact moment, I have accepted the bad and cherished the good...This past week anyway. I contribute the satisfaction to the search I have been conducting for faith. I have been reading "What Would Buddha Do?," I just started "God's Politics," and I am anxious to start "Storming Heaven's Gate." I also plan to reread some Anne Lamott when I get "Plan B" back from Kristin. I have also been told to check out some book called "The Barbarian Way." Spiritual books are absolutely amazing and interesting they all stress the importance of being content. I realize that I am RARELY content. It is human nature to always be wanting more, counting down the days until the weekend, worrying about everything I have to do. I am just thankful to be content in this exact moment. Will I be content 2 hours from now? Who knows.
Last week I had the best spiritual discussion with April. I hadn't seen her in ages, so I was worried how it would turn out or that I would talk too much. The conversation lasted well over 2 hours. I am so thankful to have someone take that much time out of their life to listen to my concerns about faith, spirituality, and morality. It is great, because she is such a neutral perspective. Every time we meet the conversation gets more real and honest. It is weird, because I have never had an authoritative church figure that I trusted. I was able to express my concerns about college, friends, faith, and just morality in general. She had some fantastic answers that have really encouraged me to rethink a lot of things. The biggest thing that I am reevaluating, is being honest with friends, family, and other church figures about my feelings. I am a very non-confrontational person, so I tend to keep a low profile when it comes to anything too personal. Spirituality is extremely personal for most people, because it involves your way of thinking about everything you do. There are many people that I do not trust with my belief system that are close friends, other religious figures, even some family. I have decided that I need to begin taking tiny steps to put more trust into people that are a big part of my life. It is worth being slightly vulnerable to be provided with growth. I would like to add that I only plan on making myself vulnerable to these individuals if I trust that they will honor that.
My open house was was yesterday and I am very thankful for how the day turned out. The weather was absolutely perfect. I could not have asked for better weather at all. I was also flattered by how many people took the time to show up. It really meant a lot. I felt so special to have so many people that came to see me and ask how I have been. My two best friends' open houses were on Saturday. I spent the weekend getting slapped in the face by the fact that we are really going our separate ways. I think I am okay with this, but I know that although I will still see them, things will never be the same...That makes me sad in a way. It is exciting at the same time.
Last week I worked a sort of "school" for kids around the age of 5. It was called "Safety City," and it taught kids the importance of safety. It was a lot of fun, because kids at that age are just hilarious. The thing that cracks me up is that they are usually being very serious when they are the funniest. This week I am working a soccer camp for elementary kids. I think there is even a few middle school kids in the older kids session. I have discovered from working all of these things with kids lately, that I really enjoy working with kids. Today Mr. Hanosh told me that he could see me "working with troubled kids." I took that as a big compliment, but it also put a new idea in my head. I wouldn't mind working with kids with problems. The thing is that I haven't done it enough to know if I like it. I am going to be doing the Big Brothers/Big Sisters summer program, which I believe has children with much more serious problems than I have ever worked with. With this being my first time doing the summer program, I am not sure what type of kid I might be getting. That will be a great test for me to see if I can really handle working with troubled kids.
I think I am going to go read, even though I have a ton of stuff to do. I am just trying to enjoy being content for a few moments.
Last week I had the best spiritual discussion with April. I hadn't seen her in ages, so I was worried how it would turn out or that I would talk too much. The conversation lasted well over 2 hours. I am so thankful to have someone take that much time out of their life to listen to my concerns about faith, spirituality, and morality. It is great, because she is such a neutral perspective. Every time we meet the conversation gets more real and honest. It is weird, because I have never had an authoritative church figure that I trusted. I was able to express my concerns about college, friends, faith, and just morality in general. She had some fantastic answers that have really encouraged me to rethink a lot of things. The biggest thing that I am reevaluating, is being honest with friends, family, and other church figures about my feelings. I am a very non-confrontational person, so I tend to keep a low profile when it comes to anything too personal. Spirituality is extremely personal for most people, because it involves your way of thinking about everything you do. There are many people that I do not trust with my belief system that are close friends, other religious figures, even some family. I have decided that I need to begin taking tiny steps to put more trust into people that are a big part of my life. It is worth being slightly vulnerable to be provided with growth. I would like to add that I only plan on making myself vulnerable to these individuals if I trust that they will honor that.
My open house was was yesterday and I am very thankful for how the day turned out. The weather was absolutely perfect. I could not have asked for better weather at all. I was also flattered by how many people took the time to show up. It really meant a lot. I felt so special to have so many people that came to see me and ask how I have been. My two best friends' open houses were on Saturday. I spent the weekend getting slapped in the face by the fact that we are really going our separate ways. I think I am okay with this, but I know that although I will still see them, things will never be the same...That makes me sad in a way. It is exciting at the same time.
Last week I worked a sort of "school" for kids around the age of 5. It was called "Safety City," and it taught kids the importance of safety. It was a lot of fun, because kids at that age are just hilarious. The thing that cracks me up is that they are usually being very serious when they are the funniest. This week I am working a soccer camp for elementary kids. I think there is even a few middle school kids in the older kids session. I have discovered from working all of these things with kids lately, that I really enjoy working with kids. Today Mr. Hanosh told me that he could see me "working with troubled kids." I took that as a big compliment, but it also put a new idea in my head. I wouldn't mind working with kids with problems. The thing is that I haven't done it enough to know if I like it. I am going to be doing the Big Brothers/Big Sisters summer program, which I believe has children with much more serious problems than I have ever worked with. With this being my first time doing the summer program, I am not sure what type of kid I might be getting. That will be a great test for me to see if I can really handle working with troubled kids.
I think I am going to go read, even though I have a ton of stuff to do. I am just trying to enjoy being content for a few moments.
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