Pride Vomit

I am reading “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller and I started rereading Natalie Goldberg “The Great Failure, because April returned it today. I realized I was just reading it to numb myself in that moment. I didn’t actually comprehend what I was reading in either of them (I tried both), because I realized I was trying to cover up the fact that I felt an extreme emotion that made me feel a need to release a bunch of negative energy. It was like I wanted to cry, and I didn’t know why. It scared me, to be honest. I went to tea with April today, and I was slightly disappointed in myself that I was not getting into any of the issues really bothering me when talking to her today. I hadn’t seen her since California, which was really a long time ago (Early September). She was always someone who could really make me feel in touch with my spirituality, and I was scared that because I was not feeling that spark of enthusiasm that I used to feel when talking to her, that I had really lost all sense of faith. On the way home I knew I had to tell her I was spiritually numb to the point of feeling dead and that I didn’t know how to fix it, if I wanted to keep that honesty going with her, and get rid of that feeling of hopelessness. It was embarrassing and made me so vulnerable. I didn’t know what I wanted her to say or do. I just let it come up like vomit, because I know once I feel nauseous I can either make the decision to throw up, but once I make that decision and arrive at a toilet, there is no changing my mind. The other option is to force myself to hold it in, and then it comes up full force later with or without my permission. It was like I needed to vomit my pride and I didn’t want to, but I could feel the sick feeling in my stomach getting worse, and I didn’t know when I would be at a spiritual toilet again. Maybe that’s not the most flattering metaphor, calling April a spiritual toilet, but the sick feeling and vomiting is right on and she is the only one that I can allow that sick bile to come up for. It’s like everyone else is a brand new car or clean white carpet, so I force myself to hold it in, until I am so sick that I don’t know what to do.

After vomiting my pride all over myself, April didn’t look at me disgusted like any other normal person would. She looked at me with compassion and understanding and offered to meet with me next week to talk about alternate ways to keep the spark going so that I can stay warm and stop feeling so cold and numb. Who else would offer their time like that? The thing is, when I entered my house alone, I realized I was covered in pride vomit and I had the strong urge to cry. It was like after being really sick, when I want to cry, but I don’t know if it is because of what I just went through, fear of it happening again, or just exhaustion. What disturbs me is how quick I was to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t happening. I quickly got online to talk to people, and then started reading the books to distract my mind. I had no desire to figure out why I was so sick and why I felt the need to cry. I didn’t cry of course, I am far too numb to cry. I haven’t cried in ages. When I was reading I couldn’t concentrate. I then realized how desperate I was to go back to feeling numb. I thought I was done feeling numb or depressed, because I have been happy being home. I feel safe, appreciative, and comfortable at home with old friends and family. I thought that meant I was better, but I realized that it just is a comfortable numb. I still am spiritually empty and that feels lonely. It seems I am better at pushing my need for spirituality to the side than I used to be, because I am so angry at religion and the religious individuals in my life that have let me down. It’s like I am so angry that I am denying myself the joys I used to feel from religion as well. I really don’t know what to do about that.

I love people, and I think there is a need for spirituality and connections with all people. I don’t feel that same kind of love being returned from everyone (naturally, everyone can't love me), and it is hard for me. I think I am overly empathetic and just too wrapped up in denying my real wants and needs, because I am afraid of being unlovable, so I desire affirmation from everyone. I can only think of one or two people who I knew of that didn’t like me, and they were both because of boys I was dating, and while that sounds EXTREMELY vein, I am saying it to show my weakness. I don’t think that means I am extra special or extra nice, I think it just means that I am always bending over backwards and walking on egg shells to accommodate everyone. I know it goes back to catechism and how I got the impression that in order to be a good person, I had to turn the other cheek when someone hit me, give everything I have, and let people abuse me. I am not saying that I do all of those things and that I am perfect, but I think that I still struggle to do all of that stuff and when I do not do that, I feel guilty and like I am letting people down, maybe even letting God down, even though I say I do not believe in the Christian idea of God, but it is hard to get rid of the judgmental God that was taught to me my whole life. The thing is, my parents did not encourage that much, and I do not blame them. I think I just took everything to heart that my catechism teachers said, and I over-think everything. It is emotionally scarring, because I feel like I will never be a good person, unless I give up my life for others. People comfort me now, saying “Oh you are a good person,” but that is only because I am so desperate to make everyone happy. It is almost selfish, because it is for my own sense of satisfaction. I validate myself as a person on whether or not I am a “good person,” which to me is a demented Catholic view of a Saint. It is an unrealistic goal that leaves me continuously falling short and feeling like shit. It is unhealthy, but it is like any obsessive thought process. I know it is irrational, and people can tell me to stop thinking like that, but I can’t change it. That’s why I am in therapy. I am trying to change it.

Out of the Groove

I don't know a whole lot, but it never fails to amaze me how the absolute best moments grow from some of the worst. I have been in a very numb place for a while. I didn't really feel a whole lot about anything. I wasn't sad or happy, but just existing. I think I was just frozen in time until I could adjust and wrap my mind around what was happening in my life. I am still not overflowing with emotion, but I do know that it feels good to be home. I already feel like I am recharging after a tough semester. I have come to the overall conclusion that I like college though, it just was a big adjustment. I am trying to get my friend Dashon to get a blog. He has been writing a lot, and I think it would benefit him to have a community that can offer feedback on his thoughts.

I have not been writing much with exams and everything, and I feel like I have gotten out of the groove of it. I feel like I should only publish if I have something worth writing about, but I am so selective and picky now that I never end up writing anything. Maybe I will begin thinking carefully about some blog worthy topics that get me writing more. Until then, enjoy break!

So Close...

I wish that I could have some new discovered truth or latest epiphany to write about, but I am so drained from exams. I honestly have nothing. I am blogging, because I feel like I have all of this time and nothing to do now that I have taken most of my exams. It’s like I can’t focus on anything at all. I am watching the Colbert Report right now as I type, because I can’t do just one thing and be content right now. My brain has been in overtime, so now it won’t slow down, but at the same it doesn’t want to do anything that involves too much concentration. I can’t even finish this right this second. I don’t know why I even bothered trying to write something. I am just killing time, I guess.
Tonight we had a great pancake break from studying. They were great, but tonight was a big Christmas dinner in the cafeteria so I have been eating all night. It was lots of fun and seemed like a good idea, but now I am not so sure that it was, because my stomach feels gross. I have my final exam tomorrow. It is not even a real exam. All of my stressful stuff was yesterday and then I had a 6-page paper due today, that I did not start until after noon. I did get it done by four though. It was not a very important paper. I just am glad I got it done. Tomorrow I just have to take a ten-question quiz. It will take like twenty minutes and then I will be done for good! I can’t wait. I pretty much feel like I am already done. It is really annoying that I have this little quiz to keep me from being completely done. I am going to go to the Student Activity Center and get in the hot tub and Sauna tomorrow with friends to distress though. At least, I have something to do. I am stuck here until Friday. It will be nice, because it will be time alone to unwind, but there really isn’t much to do when everyone is either studying or going home because they are done with exams. I don’t know what I will do over the extra days. I already was feeling lost on what to do tonight. I ended up tagging along with some friends to Meijer and Target just for something to do before the pancakes. It feels really good to be (pretty much) done. I am looking forward to relaxing at home. Then I will really feel good.

I knew Brad Pitt was good looking, but honestly!

I can't do these photos the best justice, but I was on a random flux dollar shopping spree and this caught my attention from across the store. I hope it makes your day like it did mine.

The top one is now the latest edition to my wall.

Loneliness

I have felt very down the past few weeks. It was beginning to get very real to me that things will never be the same. Growing up is not something I can push aside, despite having tried. I enjoy knowing that I am still in touch with my childhood, but I also think that I have a certain amount of maturity that is uncommon for my age, but maybe that is the immaturity in me. I just have always connected better with people older than me, or at least felt that they understood me more than my peers.

I have noticed that at this point in my life I don't fit anywhere. I can't be really comfortable or at home anywhere. It is incredibly lonely, but I think it is great for me. When I am lonely and feeling so down I worry that no one cares or relates and that it will never get better, but it intrigues me that so many people feel that way. College students especially feel alone and that they don't belong anywhere, but I think everyone is prone to feeling that way sometimes. We are told that by being married or in a relationship, having kids, and keeping good friends will cure the loneliness. These kinds of things do help, but they do not cure the broken and loneliness people feel. Sometimes it can contribute to feelings of being alone when we have everything that is supposed to make us feel a part of something, but we don't. I blogged about the movie "Thumbsucker," before, but I think that is the perfect example of loneliness inside of families and relationships. My "epiphany of the night" came to me while at the movies this evening. I went to see "Stranger than Fiction" with James and Beth. I was surprised that they invited me along. They are dating, and I thought "who would want a third wheel on their date?" I appreciated it so much, because it felt nice to go off campus and see a movie with friends. They told me they were glad I could come because they have been feeling lonely. During the movie I saw examples of loneliness, and it made me think "If everyone feels so alone, then are we ever experiencing something so dark that it should be pushed under the rug in embarrassment? " I think everyone is so proud that we try to act like we don't feel lonely, because we have great friends, family, and material possessions, but that makes us feel more alone, because it is a front. I think more people should abandon pride and just talk honestly to one another, but we are too busy numbing ourselves in our busy lives.

I think people are more alone now than ever. Everyone is so focused on careers, cell phones, technology, that we are so busy trying to show everyone that we are important with our phone calls and work. We lose that visible vulnerability of being alone, because we appear to have someone important on the phone or somewhere to be. Sometimes I wander around campus meaninglessly when I am fed up of being in my dorm room and I am lonely. I just listen to my ipod and when I see people I pretend like I am walking to a destination, but really I am just wandering, overthinking my life. I claim to love a simple life, but I seem to make my simple life very complex and that ruins the goal.

I can say that I am lonely a great deal of the time, but there are plenty of other people in the same boat. I could have a group of friends that doesn't really care just to satisfy society and make it appear that I belong, but I am searching for something more. I really feel like that I am slowly appreciating my relationships that are maturing more, and finding new meaningful ones. I want friends that inspire me and challenge me to be a better person, not friends that don't care what is important to me, but more about what the plans for Friday night are.

Loneliness is so confusing to me...I am still thinking about it. It is supposed to be feeling so isolated and alone, but if everyone feels it, I am still thrown on how that makes anyone alone.

Happy Thanksgiving

It feels fabulous to be sitting at home on a nice comfy couch. That is one thing I miss at school, comfy couches. I also miss good soft carpet. Just a few things I took for granted at home. Tonight I feel weird. I was so excited to be home. I went to Leslie's tonight and Kristin was there. I hadn't seen Kristin since August, and her brother even came over. He is home from New York. It was so great to be with them laughing again, but I felt like I needed to come home and see Adam and Ashlee (I knew my parent would be in bed). I came home early and Ashlee was sleeping and Adam was watching a movie, so I didn't want to interupt. The thing is, that now I am sitting here alone, and I feel bad that I left Leslie's so early. I just can't make enough time for everyone, not to mention I felt overwhelmed and needed some time to myself. I miss my friends a lot, though. It always makes me realize how much I miss them when I see them. I am finally establishing some more meaningful relatioinships ar Central though, and I am thankful for that.

I feel like the guy in "Garden State," as cliche as that may sound. He talks about how once you move out you miss home so much, but when you go home, it doesn't feel like home. I find that to be so true, and same thing with my relationships with people. I miss them so much and then you see them again and it isn't the same. It's like I am missing something that doesn't exist. It feels pretty empty where I am at right now, and maybe even a little numb.

My therapist left her job to practice wholistic medicine. I have not had a therapy session for two weeks. It is weird, because I am going to have to start all over and I don't know that I had made any progress yet from the first one. I am not very good at the whole therapy thing. I have this problem where I want everyone to like me, and I have to struggle with that with my therapist too. It's like I am supposed to tell him (my new therapist is a guy) all of the ugly evil stuff about myself that I don't tell people, but I want him to like me and not think I am crazy, so I sugar-coat everything...just like I do with everyone else in my life. Maybe getting a new therapist will help me start all over and I can just let him know that I am crazy right off the back, then I won't have to worry whether or not he thinks I am crazy haha...always an option, I guess.

I have been really intrigued by Bio humor lately. Yesterday, my friend called me a "wannabe Bio dork." I am not a real Bio dork, because I suck at Biology, but I find Biology people so interesting. They are so weird and unlike any other type of nerds. I love it. They amuse me so much. I sometimes wish I could just observe their everyday conversations (not their Bio ones, those bore the crap at out of me). For instance, today in lecture we watched a news clip from the seventies where they used dynamite to blow up a dead whale. I don't know why I found it so funny, but I was cracking up even though it was 9am and I didn't have any caffeine. It could have been the crazy people on camera's reaction or it could have been my Bio professor's excitement. He gets so excited about mollusks that it amazes me. I think one of the reason I love Bio nerds is because I love passionate people, and Bio people are so passionate. I guess you have to be passionate to get through a million classes as challenging as Bio. I know a lot of other passionate people, but I think it is interesting to me, because I do not like Bio at all, and I can't imagine being passionate about it, so to see all of these excited Bio dorks cracks me up. When I say "Bio dorks," I only mean it in the most flattering way of course.

I am excited for Thanksgiving tomorrow, but things are weird right now. I don't know what I want anymore, but I at least know I want turkey. I guess that's a start. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Be thankful for friends, food, and family! I know I sure am!

Election Day

Tomorrow is the big Election Day. I am feeling like a hypocrite, because I cannot vote. Ever since I entered high school I have been encouraging my friends who were old enough to vote. I would, and still do, get so frustrated with people who do not care about voting at all. Especially the ones who say they do not care. I think it is the one thing that all people should agree on. We can’t agree on individual issues, and sure sometimes I wish less people against me would vote, but I only wish that unrealistically. I am fully aware the more people vote the more efficiently our country will be run. My age group has so much potential to make a difference, but so many do not care. I do not think it is just my generation, I think that is common among all younger generations, because they are too self absorbed and still struggling to figure our where they stand on issues. I had every intention of voting. I registered and got acquainted with the issues and the main candidates (I still do not know all of them). I recently was told that because I registered by mail, and it is my first time voting, that I needed to pick up the absentee ballot in person. The problem is I live 2.5 hours away and although I was home last weekend, the place is not open on weekends. It looks like I will have to be another “careless” youth who doesn’t take advantage of my right to vote. At least I appreciate that I have the right to vote and know a little bit about the issues. I will definitely be involved in the next elections. It just embarrasses me when people ask me if I voted or not. I really just want to lie, because I know how important it is to vote, and I feel like people who do not vote do not, but I do not lie. I just look down quickly and mumble a “no.”

Everything I Have

Today I felt I could see into my thoughts so clearly. I think it is a result of finally getting enough sleep, which will not be the case tomorrow, and the fact that I had time to read a little of my latest book that April suggested, and my roommate just happened to have, "Blue Like Jazz." I felt moved by his analogy of penguins life-style and sexual instinct to represent his faith. He is really an interesting writer. It inspired me to capture all of the random thoughts that have been running through my head. Sometimes I honestly feel like I have no control over my mind. It can take me to very dark places, but sometimes I get these amazing and insightful thoughts, and I just think "I did not think of that." I am copying my random paragraphs that were written throughout the day, because they are honestly everything I had in me today. It's not necessarily great quality writing, but I think it shows good thought. Well, compared to where I have been at because of all of the stress from classes. I finally bought the song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. That music video was on at 3am after I had my mild panic attack a couple weekends ago and it really made me feel better. I listened to it on repeat the whole time I was writing, which was a lot. I am listening to it as I write. It will probably annoy the hell out of me tomorrow, but at this point in time it inspires me. Well, now I am really pasting the randomness.
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I had this strong urge to write all day, but I have to go to dinner and I am not sure I will remember everything I want. I seriously felt like I could write a book today, because so many great ideas were running around in my head. I thought about how people who volunteer aren’t better people, or more generous, but just wiser. I say this, because all of the volunteer experiences in my life account for many of life changing thought processes and how I never regret volunteering. It is really the only activity where everyone wins. I grew angry as I thought about Velma’s funeral. It was probably cheap and I wonder how many people were there. It was probably the smallest funeral. It made me mad thinking about it randomly in HPS how I was not informed of it.

I thought about my sentimental, life changing conversations. I can’t write about big things, because I get overwhelmed and too excited, but really it is the little moments that I remember so vividly that are worth writing about, the big stuff is a lot of times just background character info. I also thought about how nothing looks right when I first rearrange it, like my cross of pictures...how furious I was about moving it. I was sure it looked terrible and nothing like a cross, but now it makes me smile when I look at it.

Well, here it is hours after I wrote that last paragraph, and sure enough the rush to write is off. I still want to, but the extreme burst of positive energy is gone. I am watching the sixth sense and eating candy in celebration of Halloween. I was convinced earlier to put on Crystal’s coconut bra and grass skirt for fun times sake. Mimi randomly popped into my mind several times today, like a lightbulb that is broken, but randomly pops on providing light and bittersweet feelings, because it only reminds me of what I am missing and disappears quickly. I had a weird feeling in my stomach when in the sixth sense Bruce Willis could talk to his wife and she could respond while she was sleeping. It reminded me of my weird, but most likely imagined experience I had during my migraine/nap after Mimi's funeral, and “feeling Mimi’s presence.” My reaction was very similar to that of Bruce Willis’ wife. I was skeptical, but nonetheless I whispered, “Mimi, don’t leave,” I don’t know if it was sleeping or awake and just wishful thinking. It made me feel ten times better, but it was a sort of spiritual experience, that could probably be written off as random firing of neurons. Even if it was not actually Mimi’s presence, it was a comforting memory or reversal of roles. She “placed her hands on mine,” or so it felt, in the same way that I placed my hands over top of her embalmed hands with my right hand, and clasped the rosary she was holding with my left. I obviously could not hold her hand, because she could not mover her hand, so I just placed my hand over top of hers like covering them with a blanket. When I felt her presence it was the same thing. My hands were resting on top of me, but I felt warmness on top of my right hand.

I just had some great discussion with Dan, the RA from across the hall about spirituality. I brought up the positive memories and spiritual experiences from my childhood that I dream about. It made me think of Viera. I remember before she had dementia, she wheeled into the room explaining she had just come from church. She talked about how she loved the music and it took her back to when she was a little girl, her father would lift her up on his shoulders during church. The 80 year-old woman was crying as she told me this, it made me realize there are some things in life that you can’t get over. She developed dementia and forgot all of these meaningful memories, I am most afraid of that, but it made me realize that it seems like life gets tougher and tougher. Velma was 96 and she was so ready for death. Everyone she had ever loved died; she was alone. That scares me too. All of these people in my life that I feel I can’t live without will die, or I will die. It is like a constant attempt throughout life, to heal our brokenness through faith, spirituality, or love, but it seems we just grow more broken with each day. That is why I don’t understand why as people we spend so much time focusing on our differences instead of just loving each other and accepting each other for where we are at in our lives.

Fears

I had to do this for therapy. Here's the list of all of my fears.

1. Snakes
2. Frogs/toads
3. Tests
4. Failing
5. Driving alone at night
6. Driving far away
7. Driving in strange places
8. Being alone forever
9. Dying alone
10. Dying and being forgotten
11. Dying unhappy
12. Getting an MIP
13. Getting in a car accident
14. Causing a car accident
15. Giving formal speeches in front of people
16. Speaking up about things that are really important to me.
17. Having my intentions misunderstood
18. Losing a parent
19. Losing a sibling
20. Walking alone at night
21. Never getting a job
22. Depending on my parents forever
23. Being in debt
24. Being trapped in a job I don’t like
25. Being unhappily married
26. Never getting married
27. Living Alone
28. Causing my family to be unhappy
29. Causing my friends to be unhappy
30. Making people angry
31. Disappointing people
32. Making people sad
33. Not being able to help someone that needs it
34. Not being able to breathe
35. Forgetting Important Information

I Love the 80's

I love the 80's, mainly because that charmingly distasteful era is what brought me into this world. Last night I had the weird, but fun experience of attending a full out 80's party. It felt like some weird time warp. It was very fun, but uncomfortable because my friend Michelle and I didn't know anyone except the two girls who invited us. It was a crowded night of loud 80's music, guys with bad outfits, and girls in trashy make-up (yes, I was one of them). It was a lot of fun, but I am glad my friend and I left before midnight. I can only handle huge housefuls of strangers for short periods of time, before a panic attack occurs...just kidding. I haven't had a panic attack in a while, thanks to the new breathing exercises I have learned.

I am adjusting better to school. I still have no idea how my grades are going to look, but I think that I am doing all that I can. Biology and Psych are worrying me a little bit, but I hope to make it out of those two okay. I have a psych paper due this Wednesday. I need to start that tonight. I also need to pick another topic to write a synthesis paper on, which is going to be tricky. We have been watching several documentaries in that class to help give us ideas. We watched one about raising the minimum wage. It is a part of the 30 days series. The guy who did "Super Size Me," agreed to live as a part of the working poor. Him and his fiance tried to get by for one month working minimum wage jobs. It is amazing the kind of debt they took on, and it is not nearly long enough to get the half of what people in that situation go through. I wasn't sure what I thought about the raise in minimum wage, because I know it is a complex issue when it comes to employment. After watching the documentary about it, I definately see why we needed to higher the minimum wage. A person working a minimum wage job, full time, was still below the poverty line. Minimum wage was created to be the lowest income that a person could live at. Before the raise in minimum wage people could not fully live, and that is unfair. The documentary made me aware of how little I really know about poverty and how fortunately sheltered I have been from it. My professor then went on to talk about living in poverty with her boyfriend working minimum wage jobs before she became a professor. It scares me, because I know she had a solid education, so how does that happen? Then no one in the class wanted to comment on the intense article we read on poverty. She got angry and said we were just skipping it then. I had a lot to say, but it was such a heavy issue we were discussing. I don't think people wanted to just chip in anything, at least I didn't. I felt really guilty about her getting angry though, because she opened up so much to the class. I feel like in college the professors shouldn't need to get angry at the class, because we are all paying for our education, but I just couldn't speak up. She is my favorite professor, though. She encourages us to look deeper into issues that really matter to us, and then she challenges me without being mean about it. Even though it is a lot of work, writing papers for that class...I think I might miss it next semester.

I am off to watch the episode I missed of Grey's Anatomy online. I love that show.

Exited

I am so excited to be going home tonight. It has made me in the best mood, just about all week...minus the stressing about the three papers (especially the bio lab report-talk about a killer). I am planning on surprising Leslie. She is having surgery tomorrow, and she has no idea I am coming over tonight to surprise her. Yes, I realize that I run the risk of her reading this before I actually make it home, but I don't think she reads this anymore. She only reads my blogs on myspace, which is a-okay. I might wait to post this until I actually get home though, just in case. She is going to be so surprised. She keeps talking about how excited she is to see me Saturday and how she had to get her stupid surgery out of the way before all of this, it was so hard for me to not get excited and tell her that she would see me tonight. She is going to be so shocked.

I am just trying to kill time until my clothes are done in the dryer, then I am going to dinner, and then my dad will be here. I can't wait!

Therapy went really well today. I think it really is good for me. My therapist is really spiritual, and at first that scared me. I am trying to take a break from everything right now, I didn't really want any religious biases in therapy. She told me today that she was not religious for ten years. Maybe she isn't so crazy afterall. She recommended some more exercises for me and some movies I should check into. I want to rent one of them for tomorrow when I am home alone. Maybe Leslie will want to watch it with me pass out on the couch while I crash at her house...I am guessing she will be a little bit drugged up and tired. When I had surgery, though I had insomnia for a week afterwords. I was like "Sleep? Who does that?" It was not very fun, but a good experience. The whole insomnia thing is crazy, but very accomplishing in a twisted sort of way.

I miss writing regularly for independent study. I don't even know if I am capable of writing anything of quality anymore. I tried writing a poem the other day, but I was so tired it was total crap. I don't even think it can be classified as a poem. I haven't attempted writing any stories but I have several funny topics I would love to over-exaggerate into some hilarious fiction. I just don't have the time or know where to begin. I need to though, for my sanity. I have too many crazy, rediculous thoughts that are very funny. They are sometimes distracting, so I need to just write and get it all out...but academic writing does not quite do the trick. I do so much of that, it is kind of hard to do any other kind of writing. Well, I hope my clothes are dry, because it is going to be cutting it close with my dinner plans.

How am I Doing?

How am I doing? So nice of you to ask, because no one does. I don't know how I am doing anymore. Things are so weird that sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or cry. It is strange, because I don't know if I am happy or sad, overall. There are plenty of things telling me I should be happy, but just as many things telling me to be sad.

I like it here at Central, I honestly do. The campus is great, my professors are great, I have a nice boyfriend, I don't have as many friends as I would like, but I have some nice friends. I am stressed about classes, proably more than I should be. I think it is almost to an unhealthy level, the stressing about classes. I am sad at how things change though. I honestly don't know what is wrong with Kristin and I. I feel like we are trying so hard, or at least I am trying so hard, but it is not working. The extremely close friendship we had seems to be vanishing more every week. I was able to have a good conversation with her Thursday evening finally, but she had to go rather quickly and promised to call back, because we were "having a good discussion." I have yet to hear from her. I left her message last night, because I saw that she called at 2:30am. I told her that I was kind of disspointed that she never called back, but I know she is busy. I told her I understand, but that I wanted to talk to her soon and she has not called. It is so weird, because I used to be able to just walk over to her house or show up at any random moment if we needed to talk, and now it is like mission impossible. She has called me back when I am busy though, but it is so frustrating to be playing phone tag for what feels like weeks. Do we even fully know eachother anymore?

Things are going great with Eric, I said I wasn't going to blog about my boy-situations after the last two times I did that (last year) things got messy from that, so I am not going into details. I probably won't mention it again, but I am happy with our relationship. I think he is good for me. Much healthier than me isolating myself up here. Leslie said she thinks it is healthy for me to be in a relationship with someone like him right now. I feel like I am bringing him down with my homesickness, but he gets to go home all of the time. He only lives 45 minutes away and he has a car. I can't stop talking about how I want to go home, just for a weekend before Thanksgiving. My parents are accomodating with that, so it might be possible soon.

The one positive thing about being up here is that when family drama occurs, I can choose to separate myself from it. I am not saying that to sound like a jerk, I just think that is helpful for me right now with all of my other stresses. I am enjoying the fact that I have that choice now.

I have started seeing a therapist, and I think it is very good for me. I wasn't so sure, but I have been doing the meditation exercises my therapist recommended for me, and I think they are good for me. I am doing better overall mentally, but some random days really knock me on my ass. It sucks, because I never see it coming. I just can't wait to go home to see everyone, fall asleep next to my dog or cat, get in the hottub, and go rollerblading or walking with Leslie.

I have to meet Eric for dinner. I suppose after that I should start those three papers I have due this week...good times.

Happiness is a Photo

I had the strong desire to post something motivational and encouraging. I was given hope when I accidently came across some Anne Lamott interviews while looking for an editorial for class. I wanted to post some amazing uplifting quote, but they all meant a lot to me. I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to hear her speak and get a picture with her. It is the best picture, because it reminds me I am okay, which I needed a lot this week. I am tired and in no state to post encouraging words. I will just post this picture. Tomorrow is my day off, and I am planning to get my mental health back...I don't know where it went this week. I am surviving. That is always the most important thing, I guess.

The Gray Area

I just wrote a blog entry that seemed to pour my heart onto the page. I lost it because blogspot was acting up. It really frustrates me, because I feel like I articulated this state that I am so accurately for once. I don’t think I can recreate it, because it was so lengthy and thought out. It was kind of draining. I would like to bring up some of the things that I mentioned though.

I had my Religion class this morning. Sometimes we have days where we don’t have to take any notes, but we have great lectures that include things from outside of our book for class. Today we focused on Judaism after the Holocaust. We of course talked about Elie Wiesel, and I remember reading Night for English in 8th grade. Even at such a young age, I remember that book having a lasting impact on me. I was happy to analyze some excerpts from a religious perspective in class today. It kind of gave me a new appreciation for that prayer I posted on here a while back. I think I should repost it sometime soon, or you can find it under the title prayer on the side.

There was another man that had a similar experience to Elie Wiesel. He was also a teenager at the time, and lost his entire family in the Holocaust. He is not as well known, because he did not write about his experiences. He is famous because he was a witness at one of the biggest trials after the Holocaust. The man on trial was Hitler’s “right hand man” and he was in charge of the railroads and pretty much all of the concentration camps. When the victim went in there to testify he locked eyes with the Nazi, but then he began to tremble and passed out. The trial was postponed, and after the Nazi was charged and the trial was over, the media asked the victim why he had such an emotional response to giving this man eye contact. “Was it anger, or hatred?” they asked. The man responded that he had always thought of Nazi’s as monsters, not human. He said when he looked the Nazi man in the eyes; he realized he was only a man. The Nazi man was old and trembling. The victim said he then realized that they were both merely men, and that he could have easily been in his position and vice versa. The media thought this was very peculiar, and they could not understand this kind of comment from someone who had suffered so greatly at the fault of that particular Nazi man.

It made me realize that I love that type of compassion and humility that humans have the potential to have. I love the good in people, and I think that is why it takes over my thoughts and I obsess about finding the good in everyone. I think it is a mutually beneficial experience, because when I find the good in others it helps me find the good in myself. When both parties win, I find it hard to understand why others do not want to devote the time to it. I asked Eric last night, if he knew what he was getting in to by dating me. He is conservative, and has always seen things in a black and white perspective. I can already see him entering the gray area, and I told him that sometimes I wish I could go back to being in the black and white area. Now everything is gray for me, and it is frustrating and lonely, but I don’t think I would trade it for anything. I feel like I am acquiring this gift to see both sides and understand people from my life experiences and the amazing opinionated people in my life who see differently. The bad thing is that everything feels cloudy sometimes, and most people do not understand, which makes it feel lonely. The benefit is this love I feel for the good in people. It is a spiritual love that I cannot recreate in any one church or religion. I think I just love the idea of what religion can do at its best, but it scares me what it can do at its worse. I wish everyone could study Religion and realize that as humans we are all the same. We just have different experiences and different ways to express our similiar feelings. I warned Eric, that once he enters the gray area it is hard to go back to things being black and white, but I also told him that as frustrating as it is sometimes, I wouldn’t trade my perspective for anything. I can see Adam accuse me of my “fence-sitting” here, but I wish everyone could feel the absolute LOVE I feel for the good in people. It is really the only thing worth living for. I believe that people have God in them, and that may be all there is. I don’t know about some God in the sky, but even if God is only in people…that is a pretty beautiful concept. I like to mention to cliché songs at this point that kind of relate to what I am saying, “What if God Was One of Us,” by Joan Osborne. I think as overplayed as it is, it explores some great spiritual thoughts, such as “If God had a face, would you want to see? If seeing meant that you had to believe?” My answer is no, I wouldn’t want to see. That would take the humility out of faith. I also like the song by Vertical Horizon, “You’re a God,” because it is about seeing the God in someone, and I want to see God in everyone. Well, I don’t know that this entry does my original one justice, but it’s the best I can do at this point. I hope I have made some sense.

California

The last week has been a blur. At this time last week I was excited to be packing for California, only I wasn't packing. I was just thinking about it. I didn't actually pack until an hour before I left. It amazes me that I could have such a wonderful experience in such a short time. I can't believe it is over. It was such a perfect weekend, I would say it was border-line life changing. I have never felt the kind of support that I felt there on multiple levels.

First of all, to be surrounded by hundreds of people that are all just as concerned about poverty and spirituality as I am, was the most amazing feeling in the world. I have always felt like I have to defend my "craziness" for being so passionate about those two things. Then as struggle to explain, I would feel like people just weren't getting it. I still am undecided if it is that I cannot properly articulate my passion, or that they just do not understand. To be with people that don't even need an explanation, because they are doing the same type of thing, was an experience I had never had.

The small group of 6 of us, was a really interesting combination. We had a couple that had come from very different backgrounds, but we all came together so well. I didn't feel shy from the moment that I said hello to everyone. I think the thing is, that I am shy in large groups, but I usually do pretty well in small groups. It probably helped that the only guy on the trip, besides April's husband was belching and acting crazy right from the beginning, so I did not have to be concerned about making an idiot of myself. It was great to feel like I fit in so quickly in a group of strangers. With school, it hasn't been that easy. I felt loved and supported by the entire group, and that helped.

I cannot fully express the support and care that April and her husband demonstrated towards me. I still can't comprehend it. My relationship with April became much more real this weekend. I think we have always had a really powerful spiritual connection, but it was not a real relationship. We would meet for an hour or two and have great serious conversationd, but then we wouldn't see each other. We never saw eachother in an everyday environment. I think there was always this sense of mysticism for me. On this trip, she was able to see me in an everyday, goofy environment. We also were able to have some fantastic discussion about all of the different topics that the amazing speakers brought up. I have never been so honest and so supported when it comes to things that matter most to me. I had barely even talked to her husband, Evan before the trip, and he showed the same type of care that April shows me. They both really make me feel supported. I don't think that I am even beginning to express the beautiful way that they cared for me. Their patience with me still boggles my mind.

All of the speakers were incredible. Anne Lamott was just as fantastic as I expected her to be, which says a lot. I had very high expectations, and could have easily been dissapointed. She is truly the "prophetic voice" that they claim she is. I was able to get a picture with her. I joked that I wanted to marry her son, (she writes about him a lot, and he is about my age) so that she could be my mother-in-law. I guess, her son is having some drug problems. She was like "Do you do drugs," and I was giggling and said "no." She said in that case, she would tell him. She was very funny. It amazes me that she can be so funny, but still have so much power and intensity in what she says.

There was another speaker that has been to prison twice for her work for peace. She worked in Calcutta alongside Mother Theresa, and she was truly an amazing speaker. She talked about how she gets these gut feelings that she can't ignore. I got a gut feeling when she mentioned that, because that is all I do...ignore my gut feelings about my future. I have been fed that stability is more important than anything, which may be true. Being in debt, is never a good thing...but I just don't think I can go through life not working with this kind of peace stuff. It is hard to tell people that kind of thing, and not get stared blankly at, or even laughed at. They seem to think people who do all of this peace activist stuff, are not living in the real world. The truth is, the real world wants us to be numb to the suffering out there. They force feed us stories that don't matter, such as Britney Spears walking bare-foot in a gas station bathroom...disgusting, yes, but news worthy, no. The woman mentioned how, once you see the type of suffering in these places, you can't just go back to being numb and pretending it doesn't exist. I can't pretend this stuff doesn't exist. At the movie premier for "AMAZING GRACE," they talked about poverty being the new slavery. They were calling all of us to be abolitionist, and not just in a metaphorical way. They need us all to BE abolitionist.

School is pretty stressful right now. I am still adjusting to the new lifestyle. I think I am going clubbing tonight with my roommates and some friends, but not until after I hear Stephanie from Full House speak about overcoming her METH addiction. I attended my first meeting for my first club on campus, the World Peace Initiative (WPI). It seems like the perfect group for me. I am excited. Tonight I meet with my mentor from the Leadership Institute. I signed up for their "LEAD ME" program where I will meet with my mentor, who is just a sophomore regularly. She will help me get acclimated to the campus and help me get involved. Then, next year, I might get to be a mentor.

Well, that is all for now. I thought I was in desperate need to blog. It had been far too long.

Sister Hazel Concert

Sunday night I was fortunate enough to get front row center standing room at the free Sister Hazel concert. It was amazing, so much fun, and loud! Sister Hazel was extremely down to earth, and the lead singer smiled at me and also chuckled when I pointed at him while I sang his song along with him. I got a picture with him, he was very nice. This guy named John McLaughin, who is an up and coming guy with a lot of talent, charisma, and a great body, opened up for him. I would write more, but I have people to call and homework. Plus it is so nice outside, I don't want to be on the computer in my dorm. Here's the picture of me and Ken from Sister Hazel.

I Went on a Safari

Well, my orientation sort of deal, better know as "leadership safari" is over. I am actually kind of sad, because I ended up having a lot of fun. The first day or two, I was wondering what I was doing here, but it has worked out great so far. I had a great group of people to be involved with for the week. There was some great speakers, comedians, and even some slam poets that were awesome. I had never seen anything like that, we don't get that type of entertainment in Adrian. I don't think I coiuld be a slam poet, but it was so intense and beautiful. I loved it. I would like to right that style of poem sometime, just to see if I could do it. I couldn't get up there and perform it for a ton of people, though.

Sister Hazel is going to be here this Saurday, and I guess there is another comedian tomorrow night. It is cool to have so much to do, compared to having nothing to do. Today I went to the "SAC" to work out for my first time. It felt great. I need to make it a priority in the winter to work out, because it is amazing what it does for my mood, plus it is just a nice place to work out.

I felt like I was on the phone all day today, becayse I have been so busy I lost contact with people. It was so nice to talk to people from home. I had a great 40 minute phone conversation with April. It did not feel like that long at ALL. When I hung up, I knew we had a nice little chat so I figured it was like 20 minutes...when it said 40 minutes and some seconds, I was in shock. We had this motivational speaker who gave us all blow pops. The point was to give the Charms Blow Pop to someone in our life who makes our life better. The catch was, that it couldn't be like a family member or boyfriend. It had to be someone in our life who makes our life better, but has no obligation to us. He wanted us to tell them straight forward "My life is better, because you are in it." We talked about how hard this is, because in our society it is easier to disrespect someone or just give them a small compliment, than actually be real and make their day. Today, I told April about the speaker and his message, I told her my life was better because she was in it, and that I hope she wasn't offended that I am not mailing the blow pop. She got a kick out of the blow pop comment, and she was really appreciative about it. We then had a great discussion about how we should say those things to people, but for some reason we don't, and we explored some possible reasons for that. She also helped me feel better about not knowing what I want to do, and thinking I don't want to do Physical Therapy. I think I'm placing far too much stress on things that I need to relax.

I just dowloaded the SugarHill Gang song "Apache." That somehow turned into my Sea Turtle's group's theme song, because there is a little dance everyone does to it here that is hilarious. We were constantly dancing to that song, several times a day. I am excited to have it on my ipod now. I also recently purchased "Buttons" by the pussycat dolls, because that has been a big dance song.

I am nervous about starting my classes, but everything is going well so far. I can't believe I am finally at college. I dreaded it for so long, but I'm liking it now. I hope it continues to be a good time and a growing experience. I'm jsut happy that I finally had the change to blog again. It's been too long, since I had a real blog.

College

Well, after a year of anxiety I am at college. I have to come to the conclusion that so far, it's not that bad. I tend to be impatiend with making friends. So far, I have 0 real friends. It is hard to make real friends this early on when everyone is desperate for clicks and comfort zones that do not exist. Today we divided into our groups, which is cool. I had never met any of the people in my group, and we will now be like a family for the week. I have som cool people in my group, I think I might actually get to make some friends. It's not that I am anti-social. Making friends has never been a problem, but when there are so many people it is hard to see the same people. It is not as scary as I thought though. It is sometimes uncomfortable, but it is definately something I can do. It's not far fetched or some huge difficult thing. It just takes time. I probably shouldn't be blogging, but instead meeting people. We have a busy day tomorrow, and I'm tired so it is hard to go be all hyper while people play poker, which I never have found that fun. It's weird to be totally unknown. In high school people always had an idea of who I was, even if it was not exactly the case...they at least had a start. I want to right more about the chaos, stress, and sad goodbyes with friends I had, but I probably should get off the computer. The verdict is, that I am doing fine...despite missing everyone and dragging my feet to get here. It could be fun. I will see how this week goes.

I don't wanna...

I don't really want to blog. I wanted to wait until tomorrow, because I am sure I will have a lot to say after I meet with April. I am really excited to tell her about my trip. I briefly told her a few things over the phone, but so much has happened this summer. I am interested in hearing all of her thoughts. I can't believe I leave for school in a week from Saturday. I am really nervous, but I think it will happen so fast that I won't have time to think about it. Now I have to constantly remind myself to carry with me what I learned in S Dakota. In my previous experiences there, it seems like some high that lasts for a week and then vanishes just as quick as it came. This time I was able to see my role in the circle of life. It is so cool out there, because everything seems to make sense and happen for a reason. Then I get home, and I lose my vision of the circle. I hope that I continue to look at life in that way.

I am working a soccer camp this week. I am having fun with the kiddies and working with people I haven't seen all summer. Wow, I really should write so much more about everything. Maybe tomorrow will be a real blog entry, because right now I jsut don't wanna.

Flashback

I talked to lisa gay today, formerly known as ms. eddy. We had a long discussion about my future. She said that I need to do a lot more research on different careers that involve working with spirituality, ideas, and kids. She says that from what she has seen, I am most excited and most alive when I am talking about different ideas about spirituality, or things like volunteering, or my trips to S. Dakota, or my job at the migrant schools. She said I have a lot of thinking to do, but not to rush into Physical Therapy, just because I think it is a stable career. I think she is right, because I found an old notebook of mine today while I was packing. I found the poem that I just published on here in it. I also found a journal entry from the beginning of the summer, that I am going to include an excerpt of.

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"I've had this huge rush of confidence after working with kids more, even this early in the summer. I have received many compliments about my ability to talk to kids, and I have just been thinking 'Why am I not working with kids in my career?' Then reality hits me, and I think, 'What the hell would I do with kids, besides teaching, that I could make money at?' If I want to make a difference in kids lives, then why don't I just get a stable job and adopt a bunch or something? I don't know anything about what I really want to do. I just know that I want to make a difference. Mother Theresa and Dorothy Day didn't worry about having money for retirement, so why does that kind of thing stress me out? I promise that I am not comparing myself to them, but all I really need is air, food, water, and people. Money is just numbers that makes me forget about what is really important. Of course, I desire the stability that money provides, but it cannot make me happy. Plus all we ALL really fear is pain, whether it be physical or emotional. The fear of pain is worse than the actual pain, because I heard on my podcast that there are only three types of pain, which are all tolerable. There's moderate pain-which we can handle, constant pain-which we get used to, and extreme pain-which is short lived. I have all of this energy to 'save the world,' but I can't even find the energy to get up and take a shower in this moment. I guess it comes down to the fact that reality always wins...but when it does, do we automatically lose? I don't think we always have to."

I can remember the excitement I had when I wrote that entry, talking about kids, new ideas, and helping people. I am excited for my trip to S. Dakota. I leave tomorrow. I hope to be awakened again, because I have just been getting by and having a good time all summer. I haven't really been taking time to reflect like I should, and that is something that helps me appreciate life more. I need to get back to doing that, because otherwise I just feel numb.

It Once Was Potential

Give me a pen and paper.
I can change anything.
My potential to save, rests in the paper.
I think. I scribble. I write.
The Potential has vanished.
Now It's only words on paper.
It still tears.

Give me the tools.
I can fix anything.
My potential to save, rests in the tools.
I pound. I turn. I saw.
The potential has escaped.
Now it's only a bench that stood.
It's still standing.

Give me the sign.
I can believe anything.
My potential to save, rests in you.
I pray. I sing. I try.
The potential has disappeared.
Now it's only me.
I'm still broken.

Just Looking for Some Inspiration

I haven't blogged anything real for a while. I don't have anything in particular on my mind. I guess I will just go off on random tangents for the sake of blogging, not that I don't do that anyway. Thursday is my last day of work. I am going to miss it a lot, but the good news is I will get to sleep in and get paid for Friday. Tonight we had a staff dinner and it was really a great time. It is like nothing I have ever experienced, that is getting paid for doing something I enjoy.

I leave for South Dakota in a week. It doesn't seem possible that the trip should be that soon. When I come home from S Dakota, then April will be home from Boston too. I hope to get a couple of spiritual meetings in with her before I leave for school. That was our original plan, but we have kind of lost contact with first her cousin dying, then my grandma dying, then all of her class work on top of it...we have barely kep in touch. I have a lot of great discussion ideas and questions to explore so I hope we still have time to meet before I leave. Adam and I had some great spiritual discussion on Friday evening. I think it was one of our best ones yet. As for the rest of my spiritual life, I have not been going to church recently. I have been taking a break to just think. I needed to do something like that. I sometimes feel like everyone gets so caught up in labels of religion or lack there of, that sometimes I need to have moment where I ignore everything that normally comes to mind with my spiritual thoughts. I ignore all of the guilt, confusion, and any attempt at humility...in those moments I reevaluate things and I think they are benneficial for my spiritual growth...as self-centered as they may be. I think I need to just listen to my heart sometimes, not to sound cliche, and forget everything else. After I sort out things in my personal life, then I can get back to trying to have faith. I look at it, as if I am a mess...then I can't help anyone feel better either. I have to help myself before I can help anyone. I have just been working on my own happiness. I am doing okay at it too.

I have much more that I should blog about, but I am tired and I have no more desire to write. I guess, in this whole taking care of myself thing I am done.

Prayer

Prayer
by Elie Wiesel

I no longer ask you for either happiness or paradise; all I ask of You is to listen and let me be aware of Your listening.

I no longer ask You to resolve my questions, only to receive them and make them part of You.

I no longer ask You for either rest or wisdom, I only ask You not to close me to gratitude, be it of the most trivial kind, or to surprise and friendship. Love? Love is not Yours to give.

As for my enemies, I do not ask You to punish them or even to enlighten them; I only ask You not to lend them Your mask and Your powers. If You must relinquish one or the other, give them Your powers. But not Your countenance.

They are modest, my requests, and humble. I ask You what I might ask a stranger met by chance at twilight in a barren land.

I ask you, God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to enable me to pronounce these words without betraying the child that transmitted them to me: God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, enable me to forgive You and enable the child I once was to forgive me too.

I no longer ask You for the life of that child, nor even for his faith. I only beg You to listen to him and act in such a way that You and I can listen to him together.

Miss

I have done countless mock blog entries over the days, only to decide I didn't want to post any of them. Things have been crazy. Crazy in the sense, that my life seems to contradict itself daily. I couldn't think of a title, so all that was coming in to my head is the voice of the kids from my class that consistently call me "Miss" at all times. All day I hear "Miss" "but, Miss" and an occasional "Teacher" or "Maestra."

I have come to the conclusion that I plan to seek therapy when I get to college to work on my irrational panicking, guilt, and nervousness. They all seem to tie together, so I think with some work, I could fix things.

I watched the documentaries about the evil in religion with GrooveAdam. I was glad that I watched them, because I agree with most all of it. I did think that there was an arrogance about the narrators tone, and that he made too broad of generalizations about groups of religions. He did a great job of talking to a variety of religious leaders, but I still do not feel like he captured the positive aspects of faith accurately. That is understandable, considering his documentary was strictly on the negative aspects. I just feel that it is important to keep in mind, the fact that it is like any persuasive piece of art, it is the manipulation and rearrangement of facts to prove the creators point. It was well done and smart, but I just feel like I wasn't getting the full story. I also get that same type of feeling as I am reading my Jim Wallis book, "God's Politics." Jim Wallis is very smart and has some great facts, and I like the way he integrates faith and morality with politics. I also think he has that same type of necessary arrogance that Richard Dawkins has to persuade people. Faith is not something I can force people to understand or approve of, but I am still working on what works for me. I also think that there is a desire for spiritual connections in all human beings. That is why atheists desire affirmation from other atheists, that is why religions are formed, and that is why I have the desire to write and talk about faith with anyone and everyone, even when I feel like I have no faith. I think it comes down to being understood in the deepest sort of way possible. Religion offers different languages for people to be understood. I don't think it is a matter of if religion is right or wrong, but more of a way to express our deepest concerns while self-evaluating constantly. I think it is a way to stay humble. I agree that using religion to diminish others and rationalize poor political ideology is wrong. I also think that if atheism is the way that people feel they can best express their need for the deep connections and keep the peace, then it is just as noble as any faith. The trick about religion, atheism, or any other label is keeping compassion for the other group. Atheism is not "the only truth," as some may claim, just as Christianity, Islam, Judaism, or any other religions are not the only truth, despite what the fundamentalist claim. To be honest, I don't know how I feel about Religion. Some days I believe in God, and I like it. Other days, I don't believe in "THE God." Those days are okay too, because they force me to seek spiritual affirmation from people just the same. The only thing I do know, is that I like spirituality. I also think religion can be beautiful when treated with humility, compassion, and caution. I also know that religion can give a false sense of self-righteousness, so I guess it is probably a good thing that I have these spiritual contradictions, because it keeps me thinking and seeking spiritual connections on a daily basis. I think that is what spirituality is supposed to be...never being satisfied with your faults and always striving for moral perfection, but showing mercy to yourself when you really need it. I am working hard on this. It is much easier said than done.

A New Phase

I am caught in the middle of trying to remain in the old, comfortable phases that are slowly disposing of themselves, as well as trying to grow into the new phases that aren't quite here yet. It is a strange, strange place to be. Each day brings me a little bit closer to the new challenges awaiting me, and brings more closure on the old.

I am working full time now. After my short job experience last year, I did not have any confidence to seek work this summer. I had not planned on working, but the job offer came to me, and I could not turn it down. I am thankful for that, because not only did I need the money, but I needed the confidence that I am capable of working. I am working as a teacher's assistant at the Migrant schools. I love it so far! Don't get me wrong, every morning is a struggle to wake up and get there. I also look forward to coming home a great deal...but while I am there I love it. It feels so good to be making money, and not be miserable in the proccess. The kids are so lovable and cute! They have helped me decide that I plan to do my "Witness" for South Dakota on "How I see Jesus in kids." I am working with the Kindergarten kids, and I already love all of them. My favorite part of the day, is waking them up from their naps, because they sleep so soundly, and they whine, and make funny faces. Many of them end up getting up, only to fall back over and sleep again. It is adorable. Tomorrow, and most Fridays, we will be taking them to the community pool. It will be chaotic, but a great deal of fun.

Kristin and Dawn leave this Sunday at 7am...talk about weird. It is going to make me really sad when it hits me that they are gone, but I think it will also invigorate this new phase of my life. I am excited for them, because I know how excited they are. I also know that it will help us really appreciate our time together. I am just sad, because things won't be quite the same. I won't be able to just walk over to their house or randomly do things. Everything will have to be planned. I guess, plans aren't all bad, but it will be different.
April is now gone for the summer to Boston. What will I do without spiritual guidance? haha I think it could be a good thing she is leaving for a little bit, because I was beginning to depend on her spiritual affirmations. I need to own my faith a little more. I probably wouldn't be this relaxed about it, if I didn't know that she will be back in time to visit before I leave for Central (Aug. 19). I already have this strong urge to e-mail her and talk to her about some cool spiritual things I have read about/talked about the past few days...but I figure I should wait a week or at least a few days. With as many spiritual moodswings as I have, I should probably force myself to wait a week at all times...but I like capturing my many different, intense extremes. That is why I write about them...speaking of writing. I have been hardly writing at all. I have been reading some, but not nearly as much as I would like to. Right now I am reading the book "God's Politics," by Jim Wallis. He is also going to be speaking at the conference I am going to in September alongside my favorite, Anne Lammot. After talking to April about all of the details about the conference, I couldn't be more excited for it. It is going to be such a fun, spiritual weekend...that will be all about me. I am hoping to get that same type of spiritual feeling that I get in South Dakota, but in this case it will be about me, and not serving people. Serving people is a great way to get in touch with my spirituality, and I enjoy it a great deal. It just is very exhausting and sometimes heartbreaking. This conference, on the other hand- will be about encouraging my spiritual life, meeting my favorite author, hanging out in California with other spiritual people...I seriously can't wait!

I learned yesterday that my grandma entered the program to become a nun for 8 days. It amazes me that she was always so religious, so Catholic even. She said "when you take one step to God, he takes 9 to you." She claimed that she thought she was blessed throughout her life for her intentions to become a nun. She left on the eighth day, because her mom was going to have surgery and her dad did not want her in there. She also had some great thoughts on faith. I really admire my grandma's faith. She is a pretty cool Catholic. Sometimes she makes me feel like I could get confirmed Catholic. April makes me feel like that too. I guess, we will see what college brings and how my education and spiritual experiences make me feel. The thing that also made me consider confirmation, is my weekly podcast. They talked about how Religion, is really just a language for us to express our own spirituality. We don't understand all of the languages out there, but for some people some are easier than others. It isn't a matter of what language is best, but that we can express out souls with one. The rabbi that was on the program, also said that she suggests that people look hard into their religious roots. She said a lot of times that is where you will find comfort to express yourself, because it is familiar. It made me realize that being "Catholic" or any other religion, does not separate me from the many other spiritual people out there. I am really getting a lot out of some of the Buddhist philosophies that I am reading about. They really coexist with my beliefs very well. You can be Catholic, and follow Buddhist philosophies...I never knew that before.

Things are going well, overall. There are plenty of little things, but I guess there always is. I am thankful for how things are going. I am looking forward to spending practically this entire weekend with Kristin and Dawn before they go. I hope it does not prove to be dissapointing, because I want it to be a perfect end to our old high school days. It is sounding kind of unorganized at the moment, though.

A Quote that Moved Me

I have been talking with some incredible people about religion. I have been reading spiritual books about morality, and I have been listening to my NPR show "Speaking of Faith" weekly. Between those things I have been feeling this overwhelming sense of excitement that makes me feel as if I could do anything. At the same time, I wonder how much is really sticking with me. I need to just keep reflecting on spiritual ideas that move me. Here is a excerpt from an essay "Healed, Whole, and Holy" by the author Madeline L'Engle, I think it is something I admire very much.

"In the world of literature, Christianity is no longer respectable. When I am referred to in an article or a review as a 'practicing Christian' it is seldom meant as a compliment, at least not in the secular press. It is perfectly all right, according to literary critics, to be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Sufi, or a pre-Christian druid. It is not all right to be a Christian. And if we ask why, the answer is a sad one; Christians have given Christianity a bad name. They have let their lights flicker and grow dim. They have confused piosity with piety, smugness with joy. During the difficult period in which I was struggling through my 'cloud of unknowing' to return to the church and to Christ, the largest thing which deterred me was that I saw so little clear light coming from those Christians who sought to bring me back to the fold.

But I'm back, and grateful to be back, because, through God's loving grace, I did meet enough people who showed me that light of love which the darkness cannot extinguish. One of the things I learned on the road back is that I do not have to be right. I have to try to do what is right, but when it turns out, as happens with all of us, to be wrong, then I am free to accept that it was wrong, to say, 'I'm sorry,' and to try, if possible, to make reparation. But if I have to accept the fact that I am often unwise; that I am not always loving; that I make mistakes; that I am, in fact, human. And as Christians we are not meant to be less human than other people, but more human, just as Jesus of Nazareth was more human.

One time I was talking to Canon Tallis, who is my spiritual director as well as my friend, and I was deeply grieved about something, and I kept telling him how woefully I had failed someone I loved, failed totallly, otherwise that person couldn't have done the wrong that was so destructive. Finally he looked at me and said calmly, "Who are you to think you are better than our Lord? After all, he was singularly unsuccessful with a great many people."

That remark, made to me many years ago, has stood me in good stead, time and again. I have to try, but I do not have to succeed. Following Christ has nothing to do with success as the world sees success. It has to do with love."

Satisfied

I cannot believe that I am admitting that I am completely satisfied with everything in my life right now. Of course, there are a ton of things that I wish were different (I wish I could find my cell for one). I am just so proud of myself for understanding that life is good right now. Life is never perfect, it is easy to let the bad outweigh the good. I am happy to say that at this exact moment, I have accepted the bad and cherished the good...This past week anyway. I contribute the satisfaction to the search I have been conducting for faith. I have been reading "What Would Buddha Do?," I just started "God's Politics," and I am anxious to start "Storming Heaven's Gate." I also plan to reread some Anne Lamott when I get "Plan B" back from Kristin. I have also been told to check out some book called "The Barbarian Way." Spiritual books are absolutely amazing and interesting they all stress the importance of being content. I realize that I am RARELY content. It is human nature to always be wanting more, counting down the days until the weekend, worrying about everything I have to do. I am just thankful to be content in this exact moment. Will I be content 2 hours from now? Who knows.

Last week I had the best spiritual discussion with April. I hadn't seen her in ages, so I was worried how it would turn out or that I would talk too much. The conversation lasted well over 2 hours. I am so thankful to have someone take that much time out of their life to listen to my concerns about faith, spirituality, and morality. It is great, because she is such a neutral perspective. Every time we meet the conversation gets more real and honest. It is weird, because I have never had an authoritative church figure that I trusted. I was able to express my concerns about college, friends, faith, and just morality in general. She had some fantastic answers that have really encouraged me to rethink a lot of things. The biggest thing that I am reevaluating, is being honest with friends, family, and other church figures about my feelings. I am a very non-confrontational person, so I tend to keep a low profile when it comes to anything too personal. Spirituality is extremely personal for most people, because it involves your way of thinking about everything you do. There are many people that I do not trust with my belief system that are close friends, other religious figures, even some family. I have decided that I need to begin taking tiny steps to put more trust into people that are a big part of my life. It is worth being slightly vulnerable to be provided with growth. I would like to add that I only plan on making myself vulnerable to these individuals if I trust that they will honor that.

My open house was was yesterday and I am very thankful for how the day turned out. The weather was absolutely perfect. I could not have asked for better weather at all. I was also flattered by how many people took the time to show up. It really meant a lot. I felt so special to have so many people that came to see me and ask how I have been. My two best friends' open houses were on Saturday. I spent the weekend getting slapped in the face by the fact that we are really going our separate ways. I think I am okay with this, but I know that although I will still see them, things will never be the same...That makes me sad in a way. It is exciting at the same time.

Last week I worked a sort of "school" for kids around the age of 5. It was called "Safety City," and it taught kids the importance of safety. It was a lot of fun, because kids at that age are just hilarious. The thing that cracks me up is that they are usually being very serious when they are the funniest. This week I am working a soccer camp for elementary kids. I think there is even a few middle school kids in the older kids session. I have discovered from working all of these things with kids lately, that I really enjoy working with kids. Today Mr. Hanosh told me that he could see me "working with troubled kids." I took that as a big compliment, but it also put a new idea in my head. I wouldn't mind working with kids with problems. The thing is that I haven't done it enough to know if I like it. I am going to be doing the Big Brothers/Big Sisters summer program, which I believe has children with much more serious problems than I have ever worked with. With this being my first time doing the summer program, I am not sure what type of kid I might be getting. That will be a great test for me to see if I can really handle working with troubled kids.

I think I am going to go read, even though I have a ton of stuff to do. I am just trying to enjoy being content for a few moments.

I Live and I Learn

I am listening to this song I just discovered by the Cardigans called "I live and I learn." I discovered it, because it was on Grey's Anatomy. I am really enjoying it. I don't even know what type of genre it would be. I just like the lyrics a lot. I recommend it. Not that anyone will listen to it, but just so you can say you have heard of it. I also have been really enjoying this Jimmy Buffet and Martina McBride song "Trip Around the Sun." I don't know why I am insisting on telling my current taste in music. The thing is, both of these songs are not really new. I just have been enjoying them, because they fit my mood.

I had a really nice day. I am exhausted though, I am contemplating going to bed, but my friends wanted to hang out again really late tonight. They were going to call me after 11 (It is 11:30 right now). I am kind of thinking bed sounds more desirable right now. We had marching practice for graduation this morning. It is starting to hit me that school is over. We did our class awards, and I was so thankful to receive as many as I did. I almost feel arrogant if I enclose the ones that I won, because most of them were a total surprise. I received four, and some people did not receive any...That made me kind of sad. I received Best Friend, Best Personality, Most Polite, and Class Angel. I feel guilty that I received class angel, because there are so many other girls in our class who are these quiet, sweet, perfect, religious girls. I am definitely not an angel. I was like "wow, my class does not know me very well." It was VERY flattering though. I seriously can't believe people feel I deserved all of those awards. It is totally mind boggling to me. I was just hoping to get most polite, because several people told me they put me down for that. I didn't even consider the other ones.

We had a soccer game today. I feel that I played one of my better games. I almost scored in the beginning of the game. I told Mr. Hanosh I was bitter that I didn't. He told me to do it again. I agreed, not believing I could actually get a goal, but I did! It was a perfect pass from Kristin, so I cannot take all of the credit. I was just so excited to have been so confident for once and been able to follow through. Last year I would never have felt any confidence, let alone actually scored. It is amazing how confidence and happiness is influencing my game. I truly love the game again. I had lost that for a while. I think I have improved at just shaking off the bad stuff, where I used to dwell on it. I have realized it is just a game, and in return it has become something that I love doing. I know I am going to miss it so much.

I had to rush from the game in Bedford to Siena Heights for our Honors Night. I received a scholarship that I did not know about and was confirmed a salutatorian. I hope this means I get that extra scholarship from Central now. My mom's mother came along with my dad's mother and brother. My surrogate grandparents (Bob and Elaine) came as well. I felt so good to have such a wonderful support system there with me. Afterwards we went for dinner/dessert at Applebees. It was a nice relaxing dinner and the perfect way to end my good day.

Things have been really getting better for me. I just feel like after going through a rough period, that things are starting to clear up for me. It almost seems to good to be true, and I kind of worry what is in store for me. I just need to take it one day at a time and be thankful for this pleasant break from reality. It is a great way to wrap up high school. It is making me realize that I might miss everything though. At the same time, I am beginning to feel the excitement my friends are all feeling about us splitting up to meet new people. It is scary. I might be calling them a few lonely nights, but at the same time we will all be expanding outside of this comfort zone. I think it will make it so that we have a lot more to offer to one another when we return, friendship-wise anyway.

So much else has been going on. I have been hanging out with my friends a lot to celebrate the end of school. I had a great last day of school on Tuesday. I have been playing a lot of soccer and procrastinating more than ever. Leslie's 18th birthday is tomorrow and we are going to Toledo with her older sister. It is a pretty big group of girls. I think it should be fun. I am also excited to sleep in with no alarm to wake up, for the first time in a while tomorrow.

Two Days

I am done with high school for good in two days. I have been asking myself the question "Do I feel older?" The answer is yes. It is weird, because it never ceases to amaze me how things change in just one year. Each year slips by faster; it even gets to the point where they seem to have passed by me before I could think about it. For going by so fast, each year holds such huge changes. The funny thing is, that the changes never seem that big. It always happens slowly. I take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time. I guess that means that life changes with every breath we take. I come to the conclusion that I have matured, only to understand my immaturity even more.

It makes me smile at how my view on maturity has changed such a great deal. Ever since developing a friendship with the women in the nursing home, I have realized no one ever fully reaches maturity. Lenora is 81, and Velma was 96 when she passed away. She would have just turned 97 this month, now that I think about it. Each day provides a new obstacle, lesson, or realization. Life is a great journey. We keep traveling on this journey searching for something that can't be found, at least not in this life. I admire the people who can accept that and be at complete peace with it.

My grandparents are two people who I know are at peace with their life. The thing is, I think they are underappreciated. They do not expect anything and are at total peace with everything. My grandpa is going to try to make my awards night this Thursday. He has a hard time sitting through things because of his health problems, but he is determined to make it to this. I think he is so determined to make it because, he is worried about all of his current health problems and how he will recover. He has smoked my whole life, and most of his. He has never been able to quit. He has never been one to worry about his health too much. My grandma always has to yell at him like a child for not eating properly with his diabetes. I hope that he is not giving up, and I do not want him to think he has to come to my awards if he is sick. I will come visit him anyway. Sometimes I wish I could get confirmed for my grandparents before they are gone. I know it would mean so much to them, but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I can't just force my faith. I know they do not expect me to do it for them, and they told me to take my time until I am ready.

It is weird that I can say this, but I am an adult. I am practically done with high school. I will be going to colllege in mere months. Life burns sometimes, but it never fails to surprise me from time to time. A few years ago, I could not imagine the person I would be when I could make those statements. Here I am: the same person that I have always been, but much more complex than back then. I just keep getting more and more puzzle pieces thrown into the box that holds my puzzling life.

Big Surprise: I am Writing About Faith AGAIN

I want to start with a few of my favorite quotes from Anne Lamott's book "Traveling Mercies." The last quote is not hers, but she includes it in her book. I read the book a while ago and I read another book by her called Plan B. I wish I would have been smart enough to write down quotes that moved me from her Plan B book, because she is such a humble and honest woman of faith. I could learn so much about myself by expanding my thoughts on more of her quotes. I don't know why I waited until now to reflect on these quotes in writing. It is probably, because I have not had time to really reflect on faith like I should be.

"My coming to faith did not start with a leap but rather a series of staggers from what seemed like one safe place to another. Like lily pads, round and green, these places summoned and then held me up while I grew. Each prepared me for the next leaf on which I would land, and in this way I moved across the swamp of doubt and fear."

"The truth is that your spirits don't rise until you get way down. Maybe it's because this-the mud, the bottom- is where it all rises from. Maybe without it, whatever rises would fly off or evaporate before you could even be with it for a moment."

"Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue."

I just feel such a sense of peace when I read those quotes. The one thing I learned from April is that we all need people to make us feel like we are okay as we are, on our journies of faith. I feel like my spiritual trip is surrounded by fronts that people have. I don't think these fronts they have are intentional. I doubt they are even aware of the fact that it is a front, but I am just searching for something that feels real. Anne Lamott and April are two Christian people I have found that make me feel a real sense of faith. I know that there are plenty of great Christians out there. I just have unintentionally isolated myself from faith for too long to have picked up on them.

The second quote I included is exactly what I have been trying to write about. I wanted to creatively display that idea in my multi-genre project about faith. I wanted to show how I fight so hard for faith until I give up completely. It seems like when I hit that much despair that I have to give up on faith, then it just comes easy for me when I am not expecting it. You would think that I would catch on that things always get better right after I truly believe that they will never improve...I just never catch on though, and it always surprises me. I love that. It just makes me happy beyond belief when I can see the signs of faith thrown at me. It always happens in the most surprising and unexpected ways. I can think of a recent situation where I was at church feeling hopeless and this lady behind me that I did not even know gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek during the "peace time." She was wearing a sort of dressy poncho and she was really getting into the Bob Marley song, "Pass it On" when we were singing it. She reminded me of a hippie-sh sort of woman. It was amazing how that lifted my spirits. I have a million little stories like that, as I am sure everyone does. It just makes me realize how God truly is the glue for broken souls. Which, then ties into the third quote.

On a funnier, but appropriate note, I had a dream a week or two ago that I was throwing a temper tantrum and screaming "I don't believe in God," and then Jesus appeared to me in my Scooby Doo fruit snacks. I am being completely truthful that I dreamed that exactly like that. It was the weirdest thing.

Faith is so weird. It is one of the biggest daily challenges I face. I remember Anne Lamott made some quote about how faith is a constant battle and you have to find it everyday in her book, Plan B. She said she wakes up some days and is like "Do I really believe in God?" April also told me that everyone has those doubts. She is a youth minister and she said some days she wonders if she is teaching a joke. That is the beauty of faith, you just have to believe. Some days you don't, but you have to keep trying and pray that you will believe more days than you do not believe, and that you can be brave enough to recognize your human flaws of doubt and disbelief. It is hard; I am fighting like hell...but on the days when my search for belief is successful, then those are my most joyous beautiful days. Why would I not want to keep fighting for that?

You Can Find Me in the Club

I went clubbing for the first time, last night. It was fun, although I was a little thrown off by all of the weird old guys hitting on me and my girlfriends...It was gay night. I thought I wouldn't have to worry about that. I had fun, but am exhuasted today. I think I finally figured out how to put pictures on here, so here is one from last night and one that I like from my myspace page. The one from last night is not the most flattering of me, because I was cracking up when the picture was taken...I think it shows what a fun time I was having, and Adam looks cute. I leave for Phoenix late tomorrow night! I can't wait to soak up some sun!


I like the picture above. My friend, Kristin, had just gotten a new digital camera, so my friends and I had fun walking around and taking fun pictures one day.

I Got Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

It is another cold, cloudy day. I do not feel good again, but I am trying to take all of these vitamins and stuff so I do not get sick. My mom booked a vacation to Phoenix for my sister, herself, and me. I am so excited to get out of town and soak up some sun. I think it will be a very relaxing trip, because we do not have any official plans. The only official plan is sitting by the pool. I am thinking that may help all of my sinus problems.

Soccer is in full swing. We had a scrimmage on Wednesday and a game on Friday. We lost both by a significant amount, but I have to give the team credit that everyone is working hard this year. It is going to be a rough season, because the majority of our team is new. We play against teams with a lot of experience. I just want to have a memorable and fun last season.

I do not think I will be attending U-M like I originally had planned. I have been informed that Kinesiology is a part of their pre-med program and the average ACT score is a 28...not quite what I got ha. I also figured even if I am accepted, do I really think I can do a pre-med program at U-M? The answer is of course, no. I am debating between Central and State. I even contemplate Siena sometimes, but I do think I should get out of town.

Last night I went to see my sister in her school play. It was cute, and it reminded me of my middle school days. It is funny, because in middle school I thought I was so mature. I look back now, and realize middle school kids are just that, kids. I am sure I will say that about my high school experiences too. It is funny how time changes everything. This soccer season is a constant reminder of how things change. Half of the girls that I played with since I was in sixth grade are gone. I will never play with them again. It's weird. Plus, Kali now has a kid, I am getting ready to go to college. On Lisa Loeb's show she mentioned how you just have to go with the decisions you make. No one knows where their decisions will take them, but they all add up to be your life...so I guess you should enjoy it.

I should work on more scholarships. It is all overwhelming, but in just one week I will be in sunny Phoenix!!!! Thank God for that! I just have to get through this week. OH and on Friday my friend Sarah and I are going clubbing at the Necto with Adam for our first clubbing experience. I hope we have fun, I think we will, but I don't know what to expect. Should be a nice week.

A Preview of Spring

he weather has made my whole week. It was not nice at the beginning, but then it got incredibly beautiful. My friend, Kristin, gave me her Rollerblades. I have been using them almost daily. Today I roller bladed for like an hour, and then went for a bike ride. My legs are a little bit sore, and by butt, well don't get me started on how sore that is.

Everything was better health wise, but then last night I developed a sore throat and a lot of congestion. My lungs burn as well. I am thinking it has to be allergies, because if all of the tests came back negative and I am still sick, then what else could it be? I did get better for like 2-3 weeks though. I am thankful for that!

Yesterday, my family traveled to Toledo to visit my cousin in the hospital who just had a baby boy on Friday. It was so weird, because it honestly seems like yesterday that we were both in Cancun together...with our hair braided, braces flashing, and new bellybutton piercings that we had gotten done together on the first night we were there. Now we are both grown and she has a kid now. It was so amazing to be holding her kid. His name is Jayden Cole and he was less than 24 hours old when I first held him. He was so light. I got to thinking as I held him "He is lighter than one of the dumbbells I use. It is truly an amazing process. It was another example of how things change so quickly and so drastically. No matter what happens, you can't go back. I just keep on keepin' on.

Friday night also was an experience that made me realize how much life is changing and how far I have come. Two of my close friends from soccer came over, along with Kristin and Cristina who I still play soccer with. We got in the hot tub and gossiped about boys and soccer, just like old times. It made me realize how much I missed them and how different it will be this year without them. We all had such a good time laughing and talking it was like things hadn't changed at all, but when they left at nearly 2 am, I realized how we wouldn't all be together again until summer. Then in the summer we will have to accommodate everyones work schedule, and then all of their friends from their grade will be home from school. I just don't think things will ever be the same. Kristin and Cristina stayed until after 3am. We were talking about how in one year we would all be at different schools. It makes me sad to think about how much things will change, but it is very exciting at the same time.

My spiritual growth was going so well, and once again, I feel stunted. I feel like I have to fight myself daily to be spiritual. Sometimes, I just don't feel like fighting. The group I go to S. Dakota with, has pretty much fallen apart and that discourages me. I should have gone to visit my lady in the nursing home, but Wednesday I don't have school, so I will make it a priority to stop by then. I did warn her that soccer was starting and I would not be able to come by much. She was very understanding about it. Maybe I will take her a flower or something to make up for it, because I feel badly and I miss her.

I still haven't heard back from U-M. I am beginning to lose hope. I have so many people who have been hearing back that they got in. I am beginning to think that if I haven't heard anything yet, maybe that means I won't be accepted. They said to allow until the beginning of April, so I guess there is still time. I really need to start blogging regularly again. I feel like there is so much to say, but not enough time. I will try to do better.