Update

I have failed to update as often as I'd like because I had to have emergency surgery on my wrist. I have a cast on and typing is frustrating. Hopefully I'll get better at typing with this cast soon. Hope you all are having a great holiday season!

They Say

The Buddhists say if you're bored, you're boring. I think I believe in that for the most part. I've been restless lately, though, which could be a form of boredom. I sit around doing nothing. I try to write, read, draw, color, and even watch TV but I just get restless and am not amused by any of those things right now. I sleep a lot. I'm tired or restless. Where's the balance? I want to blame the medicine, but I think this is the depression and the meds just aren't working enough. It's frustrating. I'm losing interest in blogging as I write this. Maybe I will just go to bed really early. Who knows?

My Days and Nights

My days and nights pour through me like complaints

and become a story I forgot to tell.

-From Marie Howe's poem Prayer

Awake. Mindful. One day I aspire to live in both of these mindsets. Unfortunately, with my current health, all I can seem to do is settle for getting by. Getting by usually means my days and nights are more like chores than gifts. I love that part of Marie Howe's poem, "Prayer," because that is how life slips by most people. We don't live in the moment. We complain about what we don't have instead of what we do have. I've been feeling really sorry for myself lately. I'm not going to put the actual complaints in writing. I don't want to give them that power. Most of them just involve how much effort it takes me to live and how a lot of other college students don't have to think about everything as much as I do. I also understand many college students have it worse than me. The depression doesn't think like that though.

My life is so different since the hospital. I hear people comparing stress loads, how many credits their taking, how many hours they work, how much homework they have, how many exams, how little sleep, etc... I used to be one of those people. Now, I can't even compete. I used to be jealous of the healthy people, thinking I would one day see some sort of "reward" or pat on the back about how I pushed myself to the limit. I discovered it doesn't work like that. I have a friend who just graduated in 3.5 years. He said he wished he wouldn't have pushed himself so hard so he could have enjoyed his time in school more. Now he doesn't even know what he wants to do.

That was my big epiphany after the hospital--I realized I was rushing and overworking myself. And for what? These were years of my life slipping away from me because I was waiting for some miraculous future that doesn't exist. Life is just as much the struggle to achieve our goals as is the actual achieving and celebrating. Plus, one can only celebrate so long before there needs to be new goals.

I'm going to the doctor about my wrist tomorrow. I fell off my skateboard exactly one month ago. I did have x-rays, and they said it wasn't broken. It's still bothering me quite a bit, so hopefully the doctor can help me in some way. I don't really know what they can do, but me trying to use it as if it is fine is not helping.

I've noticed the thing about blogging more regularly--I have less insightful things to say. Yet, I still try really hard to come up with some sort of purpose for a post. It's my blog. Who says I need a purpose? I will say that blogging is a form of writing, and the writing process usually slips in sentences and paragraphs of value in the middle of my two-cent entries. Insight appears in writing like it does in real life--slipped in between all of the mess, and it is up to the reader to decipher and use what wisdom is helpful to them. Who am I trying to impress, anyway? I have this blog because I like to encourage truth--telling and seeking.

I Don't Always Understand

I don't always understand how things happen the way they do. Sometimes it's simple, and I just can't believe it. Sometimes it's complicated and I don't try to. I don't want to go into much detail, but a couple friends of a friend were not very nice about my hospitalizations. I chose to confront them and offer them the chance to respond or agree to silence. It's rather anti-climatic. We don't talk anymore. It's sad, but I don't wish them bad luck or anything like that. I hope they feel the same about me. I realize blogging about it is rather passive aggressive, but that is not supposed to be my point. It has nothing to do with the actual people. It's just that they have since made things difficult for our mutual friend and stopped talking to her. I like to think it has nothing to do with me, but I can't help but feeling like I caused a ruckus. I'm very new to standing up for myself, so the first time I do it, I have this negative reaction, and I instantly think I did something wrong. I don't understand how I did something wrong. I planned out everything I said in my confrontation. I was respectful. Yet, not only did I make people so angry at me they can't even say hello, but now, they won't even talk to my friend. It makes me sad because it hurts her a lot. The fact that I am blogging about this feels so elementary. It's not that I want to make anyone look bad; it's just that I am beginning to understand how little I understand things. Maybe that is a good thing to realize--to approach the world with humility. Like my favorite Michael Franti song says, "It seems like everywhere I go, the more I see, the less I know."

This world is hard enough. How does stubbornness and pride get in the way of love? We are all so worried about what we look like instead of just being honest. I understand honesty is hard. I just don't understand how there is ever any other option.

I'm Carrying My Spirit

I'm listening to Paula Cole's "Me." It's a great song; I stole the title for this post from it. The whole song is about how she is her worst enemy and yet she is the only one who can save her. It's probably one of the best encouraging songs I know. That song doesn't really have a lot to do with this post, but I needed it to get the words flowing.

Marlee is lying in a ball at my feet. She woke me up at 5:45 this morning, crying because she had left a bone in my bed, which somehow got buried under my blankets. She was crying, digging, and burrowing under my covers. It was so cute that I was only slightly annoyed.

I slept most of yesterday away. I did make it to work out, though, thanks to my dad encouraging me to go with him. That finally woke me up (around 5pm). I hope it's not my medicine that's making me tired like that. I guess, I shall find out today. I haven't taken it yet because I'm not usually up this early. I feel awake now, so if I sleep all day again, I will know it's the meds.

I don't really have a point to this post, after all. I just want to blog a lot more than normal while I am home, have access to good internet, and no school.

Activism

“A lot of people are waiting for Martin Luther King or Mahatma Gandhi to come back -- but they are gone. We are it. It is up to us. It is up to you.”--Marian Wright

I'm back. I went to my doctor today, and he decided to increase my medication slightly in hopes to reduce my depression. I am functioning, but still tired, apathetic, and depressed a lot. We are hoping that this final increase will make a difference. I'm doing better overall, though.

I watched a documentary called "The Cove." It was the first time I felt like a social activist again. It got me really fired up to make positive changes in the world. I was talking to my friend, Dashon, and we were talking about how vulnerable idealists are at our age. We either conform to society, destroy ourselves with chemicals, suicides, or self-doubt, or we fight. By fighting, I mean we stay alive. We believe in the good in humanity. We believe in love--even if we've seen too many examples of the opposite. If we can preserve our idealism, we are the people who can and will work to save the world.

I suppose idealists are "at risk" throughout life, regardless of age. It takes incredible strength, courage, and wisdom to remain idealistic enough to fight for positive changes when surrounded by so much apathy. What does emotional strength, courage, and wisdom mean to me? I use these words often, and I believe in seeking them with everything I have, but rarely to I get the chance to define them. I think we think of all of these extraordinary people, and decide we can't be like them, so we don't even try. Mother Theresa once said, "We can do no great things. Only small things with great love." I might not be another memorable leader in making positive changes in the world, but I will do what I can to leave this world better than I found it.

I was watching some Def Jam Poetry recently, and one of the poets said she believed she was strong for allowing herself to breakdown, crying puddles in her bathroom. She believed strength to mean being strong enough to fail and persevere, strong enough to breakdown, and strong enough to stand alone. Courage relates to this. One of my favorite quotes is something along the lines of, "Courage is doing what we are afraid of. There is no courage without fear." I like that because it acknowledges that being afraid does not make us weak. As for wisdom, I believe it to be the ability to listen, admit our ignorance, and accept gray areas.

I also watched a documentary on a woman who was a secretary for Hitler. She talked about Hitler the man, and it was weird. She talked about him being so proud of his dog, having a lot of digestion problems, not liking to be touched etc... I felt afraid to see the human in Hitler. I am horrified of hate and the result of hate. He was such a hateful person, does it mean I am doing something wrong by thinking of him as human? I can't answer that at this moment, but I believe remembering that the world doesn't function in black and white is helpful, and every day I work to achieve acceptance of such gray areas, which I believe to require wisdom.

I seek wisdom, courage, strength, integrity, and growth. These are the traits I value most. I believe the more I practice such traits, the more positive changes I will be able to make in the world.

NY Times Article on Pine Ridge Gang Issues

I've been to Pine Ridge three times. I've met kids who are greatly impacted by this.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/14/us/14gangs.html?pagewanted=2&_r=2&hp

Just a little bit...

I'm crazy busy. I'm busy. crazy. I am so proud of myself for getting through this past week. With the way I was feeling and all the pressure on me, I was certain I would break down and/or wind up in the hospital again. Exams is this coming week. I'm just going to do my best and not stress so much. I'm exhausted. It's hard to keep trying so hard. When this semester is over, though, I don't even know what I will do. The life of a college student is so unbalanced. Time is passing fast. I'll write more when I have time.