Smart About Ignorance

The last two nights I have gone to informational discussions. Last night was a panel discussion about the Michigan economy. I knew two of the panelist. One was my former Sociology professor and the other one was an undergrad. who served in Iraq and is now a Political Science major. He went to Boston in the group I went with. He was socially crazy, but is very smart and a good person. Tonight I went to hear a Political Science professor speak about the post-election violence/genocide going on in Kenya. Another one of the guys from the Boston trip is actually from Kenya and he was in charge of getting this set up. I had heard good things about the professor, so I went even though I knew nothing about it except that people were dying in Kenya.

The Kenya one did not have a good turnout, because they did not advertise in time. Out of the few people there, I was one of two white people and the other one had lived in Africa. I think all of the others were from Africa, because all of the ones I heard talk had accents. I was clearly the most ignorant one in the room, but I think they were glad that I took an interest. A guy held the door for me, and then we realized we were going to the same place so after he introduced himself he asked me why I was there. I said, "I'm a friend of Daniel's, and I wanted to learn about this." He was like, "Oh so you just came to support Daniel?" When I answered "No, actually I came mostly to learn about this because I know NOTHING about it." He seemed surprise. He was like, "REALLY, Aimee?" He smiled when I said that I felt entirely ignorant about it and thought it was important to learn about. It made me realize how no one seems to take much notice of Africa. He seemed so surprised that I even cared. We look at it as one hopeless continent, when there are respectable places. The worst about Kenya's recent troubles is that they were supposed to "have their act together," but the professors said that was what the West wanted us to think, but if you looked closely corruption has been going on and we are just as involved.

I enjoy these type of things on campus. We have them pretty regularly. People complain, because we don't have big celebrities here often, but we have very smart and successful people speak here pretty regularly. Some of them teach here. I can't say that I walk away from some of them feeling like I could even participate in an argument about the issues, because often the things are over my head, but someone once told me how great it is to surround yourself with things over your head, because you pick it up quickly. I can at least say that I am not clueless about the issues and would get more out of such a discussion next time. I feel like there's all of these "free classes" that are these cool seminars and speakers. I don't know why more people don't go.

I love college, because as exhausting as it is I feel like I learn more and more by the week. I am learning so much about myself through my death and dying class. It is incredibly fascinating what a big part of life that death is and how we try to repress it all. My writing class is still so wonderful. We wrote three poems in class the other day. I don't know if you have tried to write three poems using difference techniques in a short time, but it's intense. I love it though. As dorky as it is, the class feels like a party. We are all so weird and nerdy and love to play with language and articulate things in weird unique ways. I was feeling inferior and bogged down, but I went to talk to my professor about my project. I had some things highlighted on a REALLY rough draft to ask her about. She offered to look over the whole thing. She was really supportive. She even seemed impressed/surprised at a few places. That made me feel better about everything, but I still feel inferior when we do all of these in-class/on the spot writing assignments and have to share stuff. Mine is always so bad, and I feel like everyone else is better. I guess, I'm used to that, though. I've never been a naturally gifted writer. In Independent study with two other girls, I would say I was the least naturally gifted. I had more passion though. Last I knew one stopped writing, and the other one was taking a break. I think I may have gotten better than them now. I suppose my writing class will require me to put more effort into it than other people, but when I do, I think I could stand out.

On a negative note, I think I failed my Shakespeare quiz this morning. That class is driving me mad. The professor is nice, but I just can't stand the reading and the specific questions on the quizzes. It makes me feel like I catch on so slow. I often feel like I catch on slow, but when I do catch on I'm golden. I remember in the past (especially Elementary and Middle school) people called me smart. I actually do not think I am that smart. I had a professor tell me I was intelligent last semester and I was surprised to hear it. He said I shouldn't believe him that I should prove it to myself with all of my work. I really am trying to do that. My Death and Dying teacher is incredibly smart. She does not give any exams or quizzes, yet her class is challenging me the most with reflections and discussion, because we really have to grasp the concepts. She checks our notes from reading as a part of our homework. She has us do the method of reading where you underline the subject in EVERY paragraph and then write a summary in the margin. It takes twice as long to read, but she said that it will make you seem so much smarter than everyone else. She told us we can learn to be smart. Some people think it's some natural gift, but it doesn't have to be. I catch on slow, but I'm determined. That is giving me more confidence to in my intelligence, and that is what college is about--finding confidence in our own intelligence. I still have a long way to go. I don't know where I got such an, "Inferiority Complex" as ms. eddy used to call it, but I am learning a lot and I can feel it. I hope that my confidence will continue to grow.

Tomorrow night is one of my friends 21st birthday. I haven't had an actual party to go to in a long time. I am looking forward to going out. Then it will be homework the rest of the weekend. Yay.

I am not my writing. My writing is not me.

I have become terrible at blogging. I think it's because I write all of the time now. Almost any free time is spent writing, but it's all brainstorming and writing practice...none of which makes good blog entries. I'm reading all kind of instructional writing books and it's driving me mad. It seems impossible to be unique, because it's all been done. There's so many writers in the world it's hard to feel like I have anything important to say, but I'm still finding my voice like many beginning to intermediate writers. I would say I'm now an intermediate level writer, but it depends who is judging. I am in an intro writing class, so I guess I could be a beginner still. I like to think the whole intro writing class is intermediate, because to be in the class requires experience. It makes me paranoid, because I want to stand out, but I don't know how. I guess, I should mind my own and just write what I want. It will be my first time having critics who are not emotionally involved with me. Everyone in my writers group cares about each other as people, so even though they are tough on my work I never feel offended. I worry since these people don't know me, that their criticism will be harder to take. Lisa kept reminding me, "I am not my writing. My writing is not me." I told her that should be my mantra and I should hang it up on my ceiling so I have to see it everyday, because I get emotionally involved in it all and forget that.

I saw Kerri and Grant from Mythbusters speak here last night. They were very funny to listen to and they have such interesting jobs. They just travel the country doing crazy science experiments and they aren't even scientists. I love that show, and a lot of people must, because it was sold out.

I feel so emotionally uninvolved in these blog entries. I will continue to write them, because I think it is good for me to get out of the creative mindset to write and reflect a moment without worrying about technique or word choice so much. That kind of thing is enough to drive a person mad--all the counting syllables, transitions, and attention to word choice.

I am going on Spring Break with the Geology club. We will fly into Las Vegas and take a tour of the Southwest including Southern California and the Grand Canyon. I will get to really make good use of my new hiking boots, meet new people, see beautiful scenery--the kind that is so beautiful it makes life seem perfect for a moment. I am also hoping to do a lot of writing: mostly journaling and field notes that I will be able to use in material later.

The snow has been really pretty here. I didn't have morning classes Tuesday due to a snow storm. It's powdery snow that looks like glitter when it falls, and the ground sparkles in the light. It does get old though. It leaves me extra excited for Spring Break. I am off to write. I will try to do better at blogging. I'm so busy during the week, and then burnt out by the time Thursday night comes around. My weekends are refreshing though. I could get used to these three day ones.

Confessional Memoirs

I came home for the weekend to attend a Pistons game with the family. The game was amazing. It was so exciting to see some of the phenomenal athletes I knew from TV. I knew a lot more players than I thought I would, because a lot of the same players are around from when I used to watch them a few years ago.

I did not tell many people I am home, which is hard to do, because I want to see everyone that I love, but it has been nice to experience peace at home. Thursday night I watched movies by myself and Friday I was able to rollerblade for nearly an hour. I have been reading David Sedaris and Anne Lamott all day to look for excerpts to analyze for my writing class. I have to give a ten minute presentation in a couple of weeks on "Confessional memoirs," which is right up my alley. Half of my books are all confessional memoirs. It has been fun going through and selecting some of the funniest or most striking quotes. I need to be sure to write in a little bit. I like having it be a part of my homework to write, but as exciting as it is, it is still tough. It is hard to feel creative all of the time. I am thoroughly enjoying Lamott's "Bird by Bird." She captures the life of a writer so well. I love that she has managed to provide a real image of the writing process. There's so many stereotypes about writers, some of them are true, but it's probably one of the most overrated and underrated processes there are. I feel like beginning writers, like myself fantasize about the life of a writer. I think great writers are great people, which is not always the case. At the same time, people who do not know anything about writing do not think enough about what is involved in the writing process. In class we learned the hardest battle as a writer is balancing the art of inspiration with the technical aspect. Anne Lamott says, "Being a writer guarantees you will spend too much time alone-" I love when professional, talented writers talk about being writers. That is why I have enjoyed hearing my professor talk about all of the published authors she knows when we talk about individual skills or techniques. She always seems to have a story about what we are talking about. She's always like, "For example, I have one friend who has published several works of fiction, yet she still does this or that..." It's really fascinating.

Tomorrow I am going to be able to meet up with the S. Dakota people. It just worked out perfectly that they are getting together for pizza tomorrow, and I happen to be in town. I'm looking forward to being together with everyone again. I am so busy these days that I feel like I have nothing to blog about, except school and being busy. It's kind of boring, so I think I will try to do some real writing.

The F Word

Feminist is one of the F words that causes disgusted reactions. Feminism has always seemed like common sense to me, but I am learning that is only because of the role-models I had who explained it to me. I first learned about feminism from the star of Ally McBeal, because someone was asking her about how she was reacting to the "controversy" of her being a feminist. She explained that feminism is simply the struggle for equality between the sexes. Feminists can't even all agree on what's okay and what's not, but that happens with any movement. A movement consists of many people uniting for one cause, despite having many other differences.

I had a professor last year say that she was frustrated with the way "our" (not her) generation cowers away from the word feminist and that us women don't fight for our rights. I was upset, because I disagreed with her. I am a feminist and I think it's empowering. I was then shocked when the subject came up with my friends from high school. No one liked the word feminist. Most of them either didn't care, or had some crazy idea of what it means to be a feminist. One of my friends from an elite University said, "Well, I believe in equal rights for women, but I don't flaunt it around all of the time." I understand why people are afraid to claim feminism, because society will label you as, "bitter," "prudish," or "butch." The only feminist people seem to think about are the bra-burners from back in the day. Feminism has evolved along with society. There is feminist theology, literary criticism, and magazines. My literature instructor last semester was a young to middle-aged guy from England. He had to introduce us to Feminist Criticism in literature for a play we were reading. Some of the guys said they had a hard time analyzing the text from a feminist perspective, and he lectured on the importance of feminism. He said, "People are so turned off to the words feminism, because they have some crazy image in their head, but if you replace feminism with equal rights, then a lot more people will join you...even though feminism is about equal rights."

People tell me that feminism is a bunch of radicals, because things aren't that bad. Women still make seventy cents to every dollar a man makes and there are social norms burned in all of our brains that keep the vicious cycle going. Women keep the cycle going. We enforce the unrealistic social rules. I can think of plenty of things my friends have said that are so degrading to women. I try to understand that it's burned in their brains. It's in mine too. It's a struggle to overcome it but we must. This article about Hillary Clinton really struck me:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/erica-jong/tears-fears_b_80679.html

Hillary Clinton has her problems. Im not saying she needs to be president, but I do think that the hate she is receiving would not be nearly as severe if she was a man. I think this article raises some good points.

Baby, When the Lights Go Out

I did not have classes today, because the whole campus was still out of power from the storm we had last night. I was surprised that the storm caused a tornado warning in the middle of January. Toward the end of the storm lightning hit somewhere and put the whole campus out. It was such a strange day today, because it was hard to enjoy the day off of classes. It was raining outside. There was no computer, TV, or lights. It was so gray out that it was hard to read comfortably. I had to sit on the floor right by the window to see the words. Our cafeteria was closed. It did open for a simple lunch in the dark. It was frustrating to not be able to read or write, but the time went pretty fast and it was nice to have an excuse to lie in bed all day. I have major sinus problems going on, and I think some sleep was helpful. I did do a little reading for some classes. It will be strange to attend classes for a second time tomorrow, which involves homework, when I haven't even attended my Tuesday/Thursday classes once to receive a syllabus--WEIRD.

I wanted to blog last night before the storm, but I can't remember why. Classes went really well. My yoga class seems like it could really help me feel healthier all-around. Just from one class, I realized how tense I am all of the time. I don't seem to know the meaning of relax. My instructor is great. He is such a stereotypical yoga instructor--the kind that would be in a Will Ferrell movie. He has a gentle voice and is very flexible. His hair is long and he has a beard. In his peaceful voice he said, "You guys should do the reading for this class, but if you're not going to do the reading, will you please, look at the pictures?" I will receive my own yoga mat and blanket on Monday. I'm kind of excited.

I am most excited about my writing class. It makes me nervous how excited I am, because I don't want to be let down. My professor seems great. She is my advisor for my major so she knew who I was coming in to class, which was nice. It's a small class. Not more than thirty. I hope that means I get a lot of help and can excel. When she walked in the room, before she introduced herself she wrote a quick assignment on the board. We had to write a half page about ourselves and our goals for writing in a short time. I of course, over-thought everything. I kept thinking, "Natalie Goldberg says never let the pen stop in free writes," so I would try to write continuously even if it was crap. Then I also was thinking, "What if this is much simpler than I am making it, and she reads this and is like, 'she can't even stay on topic'." There is just so much freedom with creative writing. I'm sure the half page introductions are nothing. They will just show her our personalities a bit. I almost wrote in there that I was over thinking the exercise and that is a part of my personality to over think things. I didn't have time, though. I am nervous in that class, because I want her to like me and my writing so desperately. I used to feel the same way around ms. eddy. I think I get nervous, because I see how much these people can teach me if I play my cards right. I worry that I won't take advantage of their knowledge. I would say I did okay with ms. eddy, since she still likes my writing and my company. That helps give me confidence to show my work to my new professor. I have a huge advantage over anyone in the class between my Ind. Study course with ms. eddy, work shopping in there with Dallas, and then writers group this past summer. My instructor has some rules for writing from Natalie Goldberg on our syllabus. I love Natalie Goldberg and was excited to hear her referenced. When we did verbal introductions to the class, we had to say what we read over break. I said, "I read some of Anne Lamott's fiction, and I just started her book 'Bird by Bird;, about writing." My professor knew right what I was talking about, and said that book is great for our class. She then said that she is going to have a lot of office hours this semester, because the University is giving her time to finish her memoir. I think that is so exciting. I would love to ask her all about it. I'm excited that she is my advisor. If this class goes well and I decide I do want to pursue creative non-fiction, then I will get to take independent studies with her. I want so badly to get an A in the class that it makes me nervous to turn writing in, and makes the critical voice that writers deal with ten times worse. In "Bird by Bird" Anne Lamott talks about how critical voice and perfectionism try to keep people from writing. Here is an excerpt from the chapter "Perfectionism" in the book:

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft [the prior chapter talks about the importance of shitty first drafts]. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it."

I have noticed I have trouble finishing writing projects. I am great at fixing up second and third drafts, but once people want me to keep changing stuff I usually forget about it. I guess, I go back to it sometimes. This class is going to have to teach me much more discipline. I have been having trouble writing today, but that is why I'm blogging now and why I didn't blog over break.

When my writing is going well I don't blog, because it takes too much energy away from my actual writing. One of Natalie Goldberg's rules on my syllabus is that we should write ten minutes before we begin a real writing project, like a warm up. If that is true I might start blogging more regularly, because I like to use my blog to journal and ramble, and it isn't until the end that I see what issue was most important to me. I always spend more time talking about one thing than the rest, and I don't plan it. That makes for a good writing warm-up, although I don't know that it makes for a good read.