Selfish Volunteers

I have been reflecting on something Adam has said several times. Every time he says it, I feel like he and I are on completely different pages. He always likes to bring up the fact that volunteers are selfish and use people who are suffering to feel good about themselves. I am not going to deny that volunteering involves selfishness and the desire to feel good about oneself. We learned in my religion and psychology class that people are always selfish, because it’s a part of evolution. We are designed to take care of ourselves and watch out for ourselves. My professor said, “but, don’t be fooled-humans can be the most benevolent creatures in the world, even if it is for some selfish reasons too.” I guess, I have trouble seeing how this makes it acceptable to judge volunteers. Adam made the point that some people feel like charity cases. That is a valid point, but I believe volunteering has to involve love for a person to keep doing it, especially if it’s the same activity with the same people or same group of people. Love is based on honesty and if it is a proper relationship and the volunteer is open to criticism the person should be able to express his or her concerns or feeling of being inferior. I was sad when he mentioned the women I visited in the nursing home and how they had to feel like charity cases. That might have been the case at first. I know the one especially kept telling me not to buy her flowers because it made her feel bad that she couldn’t do anything for me. As our relationship developed I told her about people who have given time selflessly to me, and how I think it’s important to pass that on. She agreed and talked about people she had helped in the past. That’s what volunteering is about giving back for all of the times we receive. This woman later gave me one of her handheld video games. It meant a lot to me even though I never played it, because all she could really do was play video games. The arthritis in her hands hurt her too much to do anything. The other woman I visited was 96. I don’t know if she ever felt like a charity case, but I do know that she had no family or friends left to visit her, and she was in need of company. I can remember this time when she had been sick. It was not long before she died. She had fallen asleep while I was there, but she looked distraught and her breathing was really irregular. I was afraid she might be dying. I held her hand and she was mumbling things that didn’t make sense. I knew she wasn’t holding my hand in her dream, but I think it was important for her to have a hand to hold. It was important for me too. I can’t deny that I started volunteering there when I was 16. It wasn’t long after my first trip to South Dakota. My first trip to Pine Ridge opened my eyes to a kind of wholeness that I had never experienced. After that there was a giant hole that had been created. The only way life felt meaningful was when I helped others feel happy or find meaning. That’s not very selfless. I gained so much wisdom from my experience there that I am the one who got more out of the experience. I eventually felt real love for those women. They helped me appreciate my own grandparents more, which I am incredibly thankful for, because I obviously had no idea how soon Mimi would die. I still have a quilt square that the 96-year-old woman gave to me on my bulletin board. I think of both women at random times. I will never forget them. I am not claiming to be a saint for this, like I said I had my own reasons for doing this, but to say that I was using these women is unacceptable. I loved these women and they loved me too. The one even told me she loved me one day. She would always offer me candy. This woman had family but they rarely visited and when they did they weren’t very nice to her. They loved her, but family is always tough to deal with because there are all of these wounds from the past out in the open. I think her family didn’t like me. They probably thought I was trying to take their place or judge them. That is unfortunate and does make me feel bad, but they weren’t the ones alone in a nursing home all of the time. I think this woman was depressed too. She was so lonely, sad, and she cried several times when I was there. Thinking about all of this makes me angry that anyone would feel they can say anything about these relationships, because they were so complex. I don’t even think anyone can comment on whether these relationships were good or bad, because no one was there to experience them except for me and two women who are now deceased.

He made another point that bothered me about how people go to New Orleans or Pine Ridge for a week and then go about their lives and forget about it. There was an article in our school paper today from a Central alumnus who is attending law school in New Orleans. The whole thing was about how the media has forgotten New Orleans and they are depending on volunteers. He was saying, “keep sending alternative breaks here. You want to be a police officer when you graduate? We need them here.” It was begging for us to continue helping. Here is the thing about New Orleans-it is such a god-awful city now. The remains of the hurricane are everywhere. It can make anyone depressed. It is totally unreal though. I knew it would be bad, but I don’t think pictures or the news can prepare people for what it is like. Even if kids only go for one week, they will be more apt to give money or feel the need to go back and help after seeing it in real life--people can't fully imagine the water marks above their heads on houses or sideways trees. There are so many stories of people living down there that went down for a week and decided to move down there to find jobs working for organizations like Habitat for Humanity to be able to survive and make a living, but still help the economy and build homes. Trust me, you don’t forget the one week spent there--ever. As for Pine Ridge, there are people who go there for a week, put up a roof and call it good. There are people who try to convert the kids there and the kids resent that. They are not stupid and they know when people feel superior. They are bitter and have every right to be. It is so rewarding to win the trust of some of these kids. I have developed real friendships out there. I love these kids and that probably sounds cheesy to people who can’t understand, but just because you don’t understand doesn’t mean you can discredit my love. I might only be able to go to the reservation once a year, but I think about those kids EVERY day. The group of us in Michigan keep in touch to share what little news we hear about the kids and talk about how we can help them and go back to the reservation. We all write letters, try to make calls (its difficult to do), or keep the connection going in any way possible. Is it selfish? I benefit just as much as they do, because it’s true altruistic love. Isn’t that what love is about? Real love is when both people benefit from the relationship and don’t expect anything more in return. It happens naturally and is not forced. It’s not like, “oh I feel like I should try to go back to the reservation and help these kids,” but instead it’s like, “I can’t wait to go see them, because I miss them." It’s about satisfying my need of missing them. I just feel sorry for people who do not get to experience the happiness these experiences give me. If that makes me selfish so be it. What selfish things do you do that make you happy? I bet we all could make never-ending lists, because we are all selfish. Accepting that is a big step towards happiness and liberation. Doing volunteer work makes me happy. I’m not going to give it up no matter what people think about it. I have seen a lot of genuine appreciative smiles in my volunteer work. That makes me smile a genuine appreciative smile. It is one of the few things that make me really love life. Why would I give that up?

Trying to Stay Sane

I have two large papers do this week and I am procrastinating. I keep staring at the screen. I wrote a paragraph of one. I did spend a couple hours doing research for the one, because I changed the piece I was analyzing. I am now taking a closer look at the 1988 play M. Butterfly, which is a piece created from the Opera Madama Butterfly as well as a New York Times article from 1986 where a man had been sleeping with a Chinese spy for twenty years and thought he was a woman the whole time. The play is interesting and should not be as hard to get seven pages from. My first choice was to compare Anton Checkov's "Lady and Pet Dog" with Joyce Carol Oates' "The lady and the pet dog." It was getting too hard to find enough research.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving mostly, but even this weekend will be a huge relief. I need some time for myself. I probably won't get much of that at Thanksgiving and with all of this work lately I haven't had much. It is making me feel crazy. My thoughts are racing a bit because I have so much to do. It's rather overwhelming.

I felt like I wanted to blog, but I changed my mind. I think I'm getting burnt out on everything. I need a vacation, but who doesn't?

Fall

I love the campus here in the fall. Here are some pictures I took while wandering around aimlessly today in order to enjoy the beautiful weather.