Happiness is a Photo

I had the strong desire to post something motivational and encouraging. I was given hope when I accidently came across some Anne Lamott interviews while looking for an editorial for class. I wanted to post some amazing uplifting quote, but they all meant a lot to me. I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to hear her speak and get a picture with her. It is the best picture, because it reminds me I am okay, which I needed a lot this week. I am tired and in no state to post encouraging words. I will just post this picture. Tomorrow is my day off, and I am planning to get my mental health back...I don't know where it went this week. I am surviving. That is always the most important thing, I guess.

The Gray Area

I just wrote a blog entry that seemed to pour my heart onto the page. I lost it because blogspot was acting up. It really frustrates me, because I feel like I articulated this state that I am so accurately for once. I don’t think I can recreate it, because it was so lengthy and thought out. It was kind of draining. I would like to bring up some of the things that I mentioned though.

I had my Religion class this morning. Sometimes we have days where we don’t have to take any notes, but we have great lectures that include things from outside of our book for class. Today we focused on Judaism after the Holocaust. We of course talked about Elie Wiesel, and I remember reading Night for English in 8th grade. Even at such a young age, I remember that book having a lasting impact on me. I was happy to analyze some excerpts from a religious perspective in class today. It kind of gave me a new appreciation for that prayer I posted on here a while back. I think I should repost it sometime soon, or you can find it under the title prayer on the side.

There was another man that had a similar experience to Elie Wiesel. He was also a teenager at the time, and lost his entire family in the Holocaust. He is not as well known, because he did not write about his experiences. He is famous because he was a witness at one of the biggest trials after the Holocaust. The man on trial was Hitler’s “right hand man” and he was in charge of the railroads and pretty much all of the concentration camps. When the victim went in there to testify he locked eyes with the Nazi, but then he began to tremble and passed out. The trial was postponed, and after the Nazi was charged and the trial was over, the media asked the victim why he had such an emotional response to giving this man eye contact. “Was it anger, or hatred?” they asked. The man responded that he had always thought of Nazi’s as monsters, not human. He said when he looked the Nazi man in the eyes; he realized he was only a man. The Nazi man was old and trembling. The victim said he then realized that they were both merely men, and that he could have easily been in his position and vice versa. The media thought this was very peculiar, and they could not understand this kind of comment from someone who had suffered so greatly at the fault of that particular Nazi man.

It made me realize that I love that type of compassion and humility that humans have the potential to have. I love the good in people, and I think that is why it takes over my thoughts and I obsess about finding the good in everyone. I think it is a mutually beneficial experience, because when I find the good in others it helps me find the good in myself. When both parties win, I find it hard to understand why others do not want to devote the time to it. I asked Eric last night, if he knew what he was getting in to by dating me. He is conservative, and has always seen things in a black and white perspective. I can already see him entering the gray area, and I told him that sometimes I wish I could go back to being in the black and white area. Now everything is gray for me, and it is frustrating and lonely, but I don’t think I would trade it for anything. I feel like I am acquiring this gift to see both sides and understand people from my life experiences and the amazing opinionated people in my life who see differently. The bad thing is that everything feels cloudy sometimes, and most people do not understand, which makes it feel lonely. The benefit is this love I feel for the good in people. It is a spiritual love that I cannot recreate in any one church or religion. I think I just love the idea of what religion can do at its best, but it scares me what it can do at its worse. I wish everyone could study Religion and realize that as humans we are all the same. We just have different experiences and different ways to express our similiar feelings. I warned Eric, that once he enters the gray area it is hard to go back to things being black and white, but I also told him that as frustrating as it is sometimes, I wouldn’t trade my perspective for anything. I can see Adam accuse me of my “fence-sitting” here, but I wish everyone could feel the absolute LOVE I feel for the good in people. It is really the only thing worth living for. I believe that people have God in them, and that may be all there is. I don’t know about some God in the sky, but even if God is only in people…that is a pretty beautiful concept. I like to mention to cliché songs at this point that kind of relate to what I am saying, “What if God Was One of Us,” by Joan Osborne. I think as overplayed as it is, it explores some great spiritual thoughts, such as “If God had a face, would you want to see? If seeing meant that you had to believe?” My answer is no, I wouldn’t want to see. That would take the humility out of faith. I also like the song by Vertical Horizon, “You’re a God,” because it is about seeing the God in someone, and I want to see God in everyone. Well, I don’t know that this entry does my original one justice, but it’s the best I can do at this point. I hope I have made some sense.

California

The last week has been a blur. At this time last week I was excited to be packing for California, only I wasn't packing. I was just thinking about it. I didn't actually pack until an hour before I left. It amazes me that I could have such a wonderful experience in such a short time. I can't believe it is over. It was such a perfect weekend, I would say it was border-line life changing. I have never felt the kind of support that I felt there on multiple levels.

First of all, to be surrounded by hundreds of people that are all just as concerned about poverty and spirituality as I am, was the most amazing feeling in the world. I have always felt like I have to defend my "craziness" for being so passionate about those two things. Then as struggle to explain, I would feel like people just weren't getting it. I still am undecided if it is that I cannot properly articulate my passion, or that they just do not understand. To be with people that don't even need an explanation, because they are doing the same type of thing, was an experience I had never had.

The small group of 6 of us, was a really interesting combination. We had a couple that had come from very different backgrounds, but we all came together so well. I didn't feel shy from the moment that I said hello to everyone. I think the thing is, that I am shy in large groups, but I usually do pretty well in small groups. It probably helped that the only guy on the trip, besides April's husband was belching and acting crazy right from the beginning, so I did not have to be concerned about making an idiot of myself. It was great to feel like I fit in so quickly in a group of strangers. With school, it hasn't been that easy. I felt loved and supported by the entire group, and that helped.

I cannot fully express the support and care that April and her husband demonstrated towards me. I still can't comprehend it. My relationship with April became much more real this weekend. I think we have always had a really powerful spiritual connection, but it was not a real relationship. We would meet for an hour or two and have great serious conversationd, but then we wouldn't see each other. We never saw eachother in an everyday environment. I think there was always this sense of mysticism for me. On this trip, she was able to see me in an everyday, goofy environment. We also were able to have some fantastic discussion about all of the different topics that the amazing speakers brought up. I have never been so honest and so supported when it comes to things that matter most to me. I had barely even talked to her husband, Evan before the trip, and he showed the same type of care that April shows me. They both really make me feel supported. I don't think that I am even beginning to express the beautiful way that they cared for me. Their patience with me still boggles my mind.

All of the speakers were incredible. Anne Lamott was just as fantastic as I expected her to be, which says a lot. I had very high expectations, and could have easily been dissapointed. She is truly the "prophetic voice" that they claim she is. I was able to get a picture with her. I joked that I wanted to marry her son, (she writes about him a lot, and he is about my age) so that she could be my mother-in-law. I guess, her son is having some drug problems. She was like "Do you do drugs," and I was giggling and said "no." She said in that case, she would tell him. She was very funny. It amazes me that she can be so funny, but still have so much power and intensity in what she says.

There was another speaker that has been to prison twice for her work for peace. She worked in Calcutta alongside Mother Theresa, and she was truly an amazing speaker. She talked about how she gets these gut feelings that she can't ignore. I got a gut feeling when she mentioned that, because that is all I do...ignore my gut feelings about my future. I have been fed that stability is more important than anything, which may be true. Being in debt, is never a good thing...but I just don't think I can go through life not working with this kind of peace stuff. It is hard to tell people that kind of thing, and not get stared blankly at, or even laughed at. They seem to think people who do all of this peace activist stuff, are not living in the real world. The truth is, the real world wants us to be numb to the suffering out there. They force feed us stories that don't matter, such as Britney Spears walking bare-foot in a gas station bathroom...disgusting, yes, but news worthy, no. The woman mentioned how, once you see the type of suffering in these places, you can't just go back to being numb and pretending it doesn't exist. I can't pretend this stuff doesn't exist. At the movie premier for "AMAZING GRACE," they talked about poverty being the new slavery. They were calling all of us to be abolitionist, and not just in a metaphorical way. They need us all to BE abolitionist.

School is pretty stressful right now. I am still adjusting to the new lifestyle. I think I am going clubbing tonight with my roommates and some friends, but not until after I hear Stephanie from Full House speak about overcoming her METH addiction. I attended my first meeting for my first club on campus, the World Peace Initiative (WPI). It seems like the perfect group for me. I am excited. Tonight I meet with my mentor from the Leadership Institute. I signed up for their "LEAD ME" program where I will meet with my mentor, who is just a sophomore regularly. She will help me get acclimated to the campus and help me get involved. Then, next year, I might get to be a mentor.

Well, that is all for now. I thought I was in desperate need to blog. It had been far too long.