Why Am I Even Blogging?

I feel like I have nothing important to say. I cannot get motivated to write or blog at all. I am forcing myself to blog just so I can say I have done something for IND Study. I seriously am beginning to wonder why I blog? I don't have anything special to say. One benefit is my informal writing has definately improved. I have a pimple right on my hairline that is really killing me. I popped it once, but it is all huge and painful. I have a paper to finish for BIO tonight, I had a nice day at the nursing home and at Big Brothers Big Sisters. I had a major flashback when I sat in on my little sister's music class. I had the same teacher in elementary and I could not keep a straight face at how everything was the same. I am worried about the 96 year old woman I visit at the nursing home. She is really sick. I always really worry about her when she gets sick. I just can't help but wonder if she will get better.

Today in Independent Study, ms. eddy was talking about how she can see through people and that scares people, because they do not like to expose their vulnerabilties. I then asked her "but don't you think people can see through you too?" She was telling me about how she is not ashamed of herself and she purposely makes herself transparent. She was claiming she puts everything out there for everyone to see, even the bad stuff like hate, failure, and weakness. She was saying she is not proud of it, but she is not ashamed of it. It got me thinking how much more comfortable I have grown with myself, but I started trying to decide if anyone can ever be totally comfortable with themselves and if so how long until I get there? People can tell me all day that they are comfortable with themselves, but I can't help but doubt them. I am such an optimist at times, but totally pesimistic at others. This is one of those things I have a hard time being optimistic about. I can't help but think everyone is just caught up in their image. I don't understand extremes and lack of understanding. I really do not have anything to say, but I need to push myself. I have taken too many days off from writing.

I'm content with who I am,
but scared of who I will be.
I don't feel happy,
but I don't feel sad.
I don't feel anything at this exact second.
I am not worried.
Happiness passes within a few seconds.
It is nice, but overrated.
Sadness evolves into a greater happiness.
It is hard, but builds character.
I wouldn't change a thing,
but I often wish I could.

Back to Reality

Thanksgiving is over. I am now trying to figure out which homework I want to do. I feel like I have so much to do, (mostly for IND Study) but none of it is due tomorrow. I need to get a good chunk of something...I just do not know where to start. I decided to start by blogging. That way I can get the fun holiday off my mind and get back to reality. I had a really nice long weekend, but it feels like it wasn't long at all. Wednesday afternoon I went to lunch with Brandon. Then I went to see Rent with a bunch of my girlfriends. I loved that movie. The music was great, but I was all having a great time and I did not know that it was so sad. (I had never seen the play or been told the plot). I was like slapped in the face with how sad it was because I was not expecting it. Later that evening I was able to watch my favorite women of SNL on the Ellen show. Then Adam came home and we all set up the tree, or more like watched my sister and mom put up the tree.

We spend Thursday in Ohio at my cousins. It was nice to have a family get together in the middle of nowhere. It was a much needed break from Adrian. We spent the night in a nice hotel Thursday night and headed home after lunch at my cousins house on Friday. after a 3 hour drive. I went out with Brandon to see "Just Friends" it was a cute date movie. He then came back with me and we enjoyed the entertaining company of my brother and "Sailor." They were hilarious. I later drove Ashley home in the terrible snow. Brandon came along and everything. Then at 2:15 in the morning Brandon headed home and before so gave me a ring of his with his initials on it. I think that means we are now officially a couple? I am not sure, but that is what I am counting it as.

Last night Leslie and Erika came over and we watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I really love that movie. It is such a cute coming of age story. They left early because I had my soccer game this morning. We didn't have a lot of subs so I played almost the whole game (I sat for five minutes). I was sooo tired, but it was a fun game. I then came home and showered in a hurry to get to Brittany's. She was home for Thanksgiving, but had to leave for the airport at 2 this afternoon. I didn't get to see her long, but it was nice to see her again. It messes with my mind having her so far away. I had to rush from her house to babysit for two boys...one is 5 and the other is 3. They were so wild! I babysit for them often, they are usally pretty good, but today they were out of control! Their mom said they have been like that for like four days. I am sure she was glad to get out of the house to see Harry Potter. I handled them okay. The oldest one is always really good for me, but the three year old is at that phase were he does the opposite of everything I tell him to. It was drving me crazy! So that was my weekend...I have lots of stuff I need to do, but I would love to get in my PJ's and not do anything. Oh well, maybe I will compromise and do my homework in my PJ's? This is really a pointless entry, but just wanted to say I had a fun weekend and avoid homework.

My Transparent Poem

Well, today ms. eddy tore apart my poem in the edditting proccess. I will post the newer, improved version later...

I Don't Really Know...

I did not realize it had been a full week since I had last blogged. I do not feel like I have needed to express myself lately. It must be because I have been doing a lot of writing for Independent Study trying to prepare my portfolio. I worked on my portfolio all day yesterday. I am actually kind of excited about it. I was worried it wouldn't be something that I am proud of, but I am starting to put a lot of work into and I am starting to feel a sense of accomplishment with it. I hope the final thing is something I will be really proud of. I bought all of this really cool scrapbook paper with lots of cool designs on it. I am going to put my poems on there. I bought designs and images on the paper that reflect the moods of the poem. I also had this cool transparent paper that I was excited about, but I did not have anything to use it on. It helped inspire the name of my portfolio. I have decided that title will be Transparent. I like that because I like how people think they can see through each other, but there are always so many layers. It is going to be like a collection of my different moods and layers. I plan to attach the transparent paper to the title page so you have to look through it (it makes it a little cloudier) to see the title. It also inspired this poem for my portfolio. I think I will use it as my opening poem because it goes with the theme so well.


Transparent

Why do you try to look through me?
I am made of layer upon layer.
I feel such different emotions daily,
that I have yet to figure myself out.
You insist that you see through me,
because I am made of thick,
but fragile glass skin.

“With one drop you will be broken,”
you say to me nonchalantly.
I don't care what you say.
You can't see through me at all.
If I am made of glass, then it must be cloudy,
because although you may see silhouettes of my pieces,
you cannot tell just what those silhouettes are of.

Who knew I would mold some of my poems around the paper I bought? I also will be including a couple of stories, blog entries, and random things in my portfolio. I really got a lot done yesterday. I am kind of excited, but I still have a long way to go! I need to write at least two more short stories to include in it.

I went to a U-M/ Ohio State party with my parents and Ash on Saturday. It was a nice time with lots of good food. Ashlee and I left early to meet up with Grandma and Uncle Mike to go see Harry Potter. It was really great! The book is much more in depth though so if there is any confusion during the movie, then be sure to read the book. I went to bed early Saturday night, because I had to wake up at 5:45 to go play indoor soccer in Maumee. That will be my new weekly routine, but unfortunately this Sunday I will have to wake up at 4:45... it is really exhausting!

Senator Carl Levin came to my school today to speak. I was able to miss class to attend the speech thanks to student senate. I really liked it. It was very informative. I never feel fully informed of what is going on with politics. It was easy to listen to him, because he is democratat. Although any politician is usually good at public speaking and thinking on their feet. He was thrown some tough questions and he did a great job to answer them. I have just discovered this artist named Maia Sharp... I was nosureue how I liked her music at first, but it has really grown on me. It is really laid back and I like that. I need to get to bed early last night. Waking up at 5:45 yesterday and then not going to bed early last night has really made me quite sleepy. Last full day of school tomorrow. I am excited! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Dual of the Fates

Do not ask me why, but for some reason I'm listening to "Dual of the Fates" from Star Wars. It is very geeky for me to be listening to Star Wars music, but I just like the whole good VS evil theme. If only it was that simple in real life. Nothing is ever entirely good or evil. It makes everything very confusing. The choir singing so desperately in the background is something I wish I would hear when I encounter mean people. It would be hilarious! It would definitely make me laugh instead of being angry. I am going to see Harry Potter on Saturday with my grandma. I am really excited it looks fantastic!

I have a ton of homework I need to be doing, but tonight this is kind of homework. The thing is, I am trying to begin organizing my writing for IND Study. I realized I need to do more quality writing. I have been making a list over the last 2 days about topics, styles, and people I would like to write about. I need to get on the ball for that, but I did make some progress over the weekend. I need to keep writing everyday, but tonight I do not have time to do real writing (as in stories or poems). I saw this movie this weekend called The Jacket. It story line was so cool. I would love to try that style of writing, although ms. eddy informed me today how challenging it is to write things that are murky all the way through and then piece together at the end. She said she was not even sure if she could help me get started. I want to experiment around with it though.

I am still having a dilemma with whether or not I want to get serious about Brandon. I like him, but I was sure I didn't want a relationship. The only problem with that is that I am not sure why I do not want a boyfriend. I think it is just fear of growing up. Maybe I should just get over it and take a chance for once. I couldn't sleep last night because I was confused and thinking about it. I guess the best answer to my confusion is to talk to him about it and see what he has to say. I am scared to do that though, but I am sure next time it comes up I will have to do it. Everyone thinks I am such a pushover, partly because I am, but if it is something I am really determined to do, then I will do it. I am determined to be more honest with him in hopes that he will do the same. It was not that we were intentionally dishonest with each other last time, but it was just that we both were too reserved with each other to tell the other when we were unhappy. As fun as that all was it ended, because fantasies can't last forever. A relationship has to be real. I think the both of us have grown a lot, but I am still not confident in myself being mature enough to have a serious relationship. To be honest the idea of a serious relationship scares the crap out of me.

Tomorrow I get my new "little sister" through the big brothers/big sisters program. I am anxious, but still very disappointed that I can no longer see my other one. I still have been thinking about her and hoping she's okay. I have noticed that if I go more than a couple days without running I feel myself getting sad for no reason. Maybe that was part of my problem last year. Exercise can really work miracles on my mood. I think I need to keep running for multiple reasons, but that is one of the perks for sure. I need to go study for my lit comp quiz tomorrow. I have to babysit tomorrow from 6-9. I was hoping to start my reading response tonight so I won't be up late tomorrow, but there is no reason for me to stay up late tonight in trying to avoid staying up late tomorrow. I will just do what I can and try not to stress.

Gypsies, Tramps, and Theives

You can hear a great cover of Cher's "Gypsies, Tramps, and Theives" at www.lisaloeb.com. You can also hear a cool cover of Shania Twain's "Don't be stupid." Both songs are for their tribute albums.

Runners High

I was feeling angry at the world today. I was really upset my little sister (through the big brother big sister program) was taken away from her home and put into foster care. She was seperated from her 4 other brothers and sisters. It really ruined my day. I was even more upset, because I didn't get to say goodbye because I was sick last week. It is terrible what kids have to go through today. I was angry because no one seemed to care about it when I told them. Sometimes it pisses me off the world is so cruel and careless to one another.

I went to the nursing home after school. That helped a little, but it is always kind of a sad place. I still didn't feel happy when I came home. I decided to go for a run, because I hadn't ran since the big run Sunday. I am proud of myself I had a really great run. I ran 3.6 miles pretty hard. I was definately tired when I got home, but I felt like a new person. That runners high I have discovered from cross country is one of the best things to happen to me. I feel like a totally different person than I was just an hour ago.

I have no school tomorrow so I am going out with the girls tonight! It should be fun. I haven't hung out with a group of people in a while. I felt bad, because I have so much stuff I need to get done. I can worry about all that tomorrow though. Tonight is a night to just let loose and have fun!

Well, I was all upset earlier and ws planning on writing a lot to vent. Lucky for all of you, I have this runners high and I am feelin great so I have nothing to write about.

Family, Friends, and Jude Law!

I don't have anything in particular that I want to write about, but I realized I hadn't updated since Wednesday. I did do some writing since then, but not for my blog. I had a nice weekend. Friday I stayed up finishing my Harry Potter book. I was disappointed greatly in the ending. I love the intensity in JK Rowling's books, but it was just such a dark, depressing ending that I was appalled. I was determined I wouldn't read the seventh book when it came out, but I have already changed my mind. I am excited for the fourth Harry Potter move that is coming out November 18 as well!

Oh also on Friday, I had a surprise visitor. Brandon called me and when we were talking he was acting like he was in Ann Arbor. At the end of the conversation, he was like, "What would you do if I said I was in your driveway right now?" I ran out looking like a total dork, because I had not changed out of my running clothes and my socks didn't match. He was standing outside holding flowers for me because I had been sick. It was very sweet. It made my whole week. I still do not know where either of us plan to go relationship, but I am just enjoying his company and I hope he feels the same. Sometimes relationships complicate things. He also came over last night to say goodbye before he went to school. He was wearing his adorable glasses and he looked just like Jude Law! I was impressed.

Saturday my family when to Red Lobster with my grandma, grandpa, and Uncle Mike for my parents birthdays. (They are with in a few weeks of each other so we pick a day in between to celebrate.) It was a really nice night with great food and great company. I was happy Adam made it home so we could all do that. It feels like we don't all get to be a real family much anymore. It was nice to have a weekend like how things used to be.

Sunday I had to wake up to run a 10K race! (That's 6.2 miles!) My friend Sarah and I promised to run together the whole time because we both had not ran all week. I thought she would have to be the one dragging me along, but it was actually the opposite. At the one point she was going to walk, but I turned around and literally pushed her to keep running. Our time was terrible, but because there were only three girls in our age group we both medaled. We did not walk either, so that is an accomplishment alone... I could have ran it much faster though, well probably at least 10 minutes faster. It wouldn't have been as fun though.

I must say I am ecstatic, because we do not have school Wednesday. I have promised to use it to clean my room, or at least start working on it, but I will still sleep in and not do homework tomorrow night! It will be fantastic. I love days off! My friend Leslie has also asked me to hang out Friday and we have not really hung out in a long time so it should be nice. I am going to go. I am unsure of what I plan to do after this, but I will find something to do...Most likely homework.

Why Do People NOT Write?

Today I was thinking about how I haven't been writing lately. I began to realize it was because I have been so sick that I have not been paying attention to anything. It is a rather boring way to live...in a state of not noticing what is around me or appreciating anything. How do people who do not write appreciate life to the fullest? It seems to slip by so fast. It is really hard to grasp everything that happens to me. I feel a need to remember each and every moment so I write about everything I possibly can think of, but I am still in this phase of feeling like I have to write quality when I write. I have improved at this from last year. I definately write much more meaningless crap then I used to, and this is a good thing. The more I write this useless junk, the less I feel like I am writing for someone. Natalie Goldberg in Thunder and Lightning claims we are all writing for someone other than ourselves. I may have mentioned this theory of hers before in a blog entry, but the truth is I do not know who I am writing for. She says everyone wants to say they write for themselves, but that is not the case when we search deeper. To be honest I do not really care who I am writing for, but I am just glad that I write. I seriously wonder why people do not write and if the "nonwriters" can live the same quality of life. It just seems like memories fade, things change, and we begin to question the accuracy of the memories we have left. If it is written it is like truth that will remain the truth forever.

I spent most of my day reading my Harry Potter book. It is an elementary book that everyone can enjoy, but I still admire how complex everything is. JK Rowling is so amazing at putting little things that seem trivial in the beginning that then come up to be huge in the end. She has all of this foreshadowing and jumping around. She will have these things pop up, then she will not mention them for a while. It's like when you start to forget everything she ties it all together so nicely and it makes me want to read the book a second time to notice all of the little clues she drops throughout the book. The clues are all there but you can never piece them together until she does it for you. It is so amazing. I really like that style of writing in books and movies both. The kind where everything pieces together in the end. I always find it so cool and interesting. It is really a brilliant skill to have. I hope some day I will be able to write such complex stories.

Oh and the good news is I do not have Mono, but I do have strep. At least that can be cured with an anti-biotic. I am not sure if I will be going to school tomorrow or now. I have this terrible headache when I move and my throat is still sore. I took my first dose of anti-biotic this evening so I guess I will see how I feel in the morning. I probably should get ready for bed just in case.

The "Kissing Disease"

Well, today I stayed home sick. I came home miserable yesterday. The entire day I did such a great job of convincing everyone I felt fine. At the end of the day I finally started telling people I didn't feel well, but I don't know how much they believed it. It seems like I have been sick off and on for about a month. Yesterday really wiped me out though. I had a fever, chills, I thought my head was going to explode and everything hurt. I ended up skipping the optional cross country practice, but I didn go out there to tell coach. I really wanted to run, because it was such a nice day! It will probably be the last nice day for running for a long time. I woke up at one in the morning and I was so cold! I could not get warm for anything, so I took a very hot bath and hoped I wouldn't wake my parents up. I have been sleeping a lot off an on. It has not been continous sleep at all, but that's okay. I went to the doctor today. She said she thought it was Mono or Strep so she sent me to the hospital for some blood work and those STUPID strep tests! I hate those. I am not sure of which one I hate worse the blood work or the throat thing, but it actually went really easily for both of them so I guess I can't complain. It was relatively painless and I only gagged a little. I go through phases of feeling just a little sick and really sick. Right now I just feel achy and tired and the sore throat and headache, but when I get the chills and all that...I feel like I am dying, but I can be kind of a whimp when I am sick, so don't be alarmed.

The worst part about being sick is that I cannot focus enough to read my Harry Potter book. I was all excited when I would be staying home sick. I was all like, "oh I will sleep and read. It will be great!" It hasn't exactly been that great. It has been mostly just sitting staring at the clock, taking naps, and watchin some terrible tv. I guess it's better than school though. I was dissapointed to miss my Big Bro/ Big Sis appt with my little girl. I guess I will have to wait to see her until next week.
wow, this is a really lame post. I am sorry I do not have anything exciting from my day of staying home sick. Maybe staying home tomorrow will be more interesting or more restful.