Healing (For Real This Time)

Well, I can't believe I have to report I spent ten more days in the hospital since the last post. It didn't feel like ten days, though. The days all blur together in there. Not going outside will do that to a person, I guess.

I feel like it's redundant for me to say that this third hospitalization was traumatic to the point of feeling unbearable at points, but still a positive experience in the long run. I realize I said the exact same thing after the first two. Each hospitalization took me further and further into my mind, digging at layers and layers that were covered in dust and spiders. This stay turned out to be the most intense of them, because I was forced to completely break down. I couldn't hide behind any protective layering anymore because I was incredibly desperate for a change with this being my third stay. One day I will write about the little details, conversations with staff, therapists, the psychiatrist, strip-searches, and my 30 minute crying spell where the nurses wouldn't leave me alone. I hope to write about it in the fall when I take my creative non-fiction course. Until then, I am not ready to write about all of that.

I honestly can't believe I have continued to fight and survive such trecherous waters. I am participating in a partial hospitalization program that is really helping me gain confidence in my ability to heal. I felt so hopeless for so long that it wasn't until yesterday when my therapist asked me how I could still believe I wouldn't get better when I already was getting better. I don't think it was just that comment that led to my good day and new found hope yesterday. We also had a very intense group therapy session that had most people choked up. The session made me incredibly angry--almost to the point of tears, but the point of the session was for us to acknowledge, accept, and not judge our feelings. I allowed myself to be angry, and it proved to be very healing.

Yesterday was the first day I could confidently say, "I had a good day" after. I was smiling a genuine smile due to my new hope, I laughed genuinely with Laura which was incredibly good, considering it was our last night together until August (unless I can afford a trip to N. Carolina). It's funny that we have only been friends for a little over a year, but due to our love for intense conversations and truth, in addition to the convenience of living 3 blocks away from each other--we've gotten used to seeing each other every day, even learned to depend on seeing each other every day. I think the summer will be a great opportunity for us both to heal and grow independently, yet still remain best friends. A group of us went to dinner to say goodbye to Laura. Then, she and I went skateboarding in the parking lot across from my house. I found five dollars in the grass on the way there. I thought, "wow this really is my first good day."

After skateboarding, Tammy and Danielle joined us for some good ol' fashion fun of watching capsules with sponge creatures inside desolve in hot water inside of our big, bright blue cookie bowl. We tried to guess which capsule would be which creature. I cheated and guessed mine was one of three creatures...it proved to be none of the three.

Today at partial, I slept nearly all day during the groups. I think it was the time changes the doctor made in my medication and the fact that I took my night time meds later last night so I could stay up to hang out with Tammy and Laura for one last night. I can't believe how I would just dose during our meetings. I slept through a video too. I felt like I was 95, or something of the sort.

Friday will be my last day of the partial program. I am much healthier or confident than I have been in ages, but I'm still nervous to return to the real world. It's amazing how emotionally and physically draining mental illness can be. After all of that, I will move home. It won't be long and I will start work. I hope the kiddies can help my healing process. They are just overflowing with love. It's contagious.