I have not felt like myself at all for months now. Mostly because of my daily headaches and sinus problems. Today I still had a headache, but I felt like me. I was goofing around in Independent Study, I was genuinely smiling, when people asked me how I was doing I actually said "good" instead of "okay," and I just felt I paid more attention to the ladies at the nursing home. I then read the side effects on the new steroid pills I stared today, and "mood changes" is listed as one of them. I was like "Well, I'll take that." I just hope it isn't like mood swings, and then I'll be the opposite tomorrow. If it is, at least I will be able to blame the drugs.

I learned that the one woman's roommate that I used to speak of (the one who developed alzhiemer's after I had started visiting) passed away last week. I had a feeling she would, she was very sick last week. She didn't even know her own family members that were visiting. I think it is what she wanted though, because she was so disoriented that she never knew what was going on. She was always scared, paranoid, and depressed. She was not like that at all when I first started visiting there. She was the sweetest woman. She talked really soft and would always join in my conversations with the woman I visit there. She was so thoughtful and sweet. When she started getting sick this summer, I think my heart would break a little more each time I saw her. She started out just being confused, then she started losing that sweet personality and getting more demanding and angry. I think one of the worst times was when she was sitting on her bed wearing only a bra. She was asking me to get her some clothes out of the closet. I started to do that, but then the Velma (The woman I visit) told me not to. She told me Viera (The roommate) was supposed to be wearing the clothes she had on the bed. Viera began to grow angry with me and started crying. I told her I wished I could help her and that I could get a nurse, but she was being totally irrational. It broke my heart when the nurses came in. Viera started yelling and swearing at the nurses, and she would never have done that in her right mind. She was the sweetest, soft-spoken woman.

Today Velma told me how she was ready to die and she hoped it was soon. She is 96 and still so innocent and sweet. She believes in everything she says, without any doubts. I have really grown attach to her, and while I know she is anxious for her last day to come, I do not want it to. I guess that's just the selfish side of me coming out.

There is so much drama going on over who is going where for Spring Break. All of my closest friends are like ready to kill each other. I don't really want to deal with it...I am seriously thinking about just staying home. It will be soccer season anyways. I probably should stay home. Today when I mentioned that my best friend was like "Who are you trying to impress?" meaning why am I not going to just do what I want to do instead of worry about everyone else. The answer is I am not trying to impress anyone. I just will not have a good time if I feel guilty the whole time...I guess it's just my guilt issues taking over like always.

Tonight I went to Applebees with my dad and my sister, because my mom was at meetings. It was a nice get away from the normal week, but then I realize it is only Tuesday. So I should get over the stressed feeling, and face the week head on...a nice dinner was nice anyways.

Saturday Adam wants me to go to this "Erotic Play" about lesbians. I was like "What are you trying to say?" at first, but then he informed me it is free and it is a feminist play by a woman who used to work for the Bush administration. So I think I will go, because it will be a chance to spend some time with Adam and expand my theatre experiences. I need to be open-minded. I just have been feeling so sick so often, that I don't really like to go out on Saturday nights anymore. I like to sit home in my P.J's and watch Saturday Night Live and movies with my family. I know, not typical 17 (almost 18) year-old behavior.

Friday is my cat scan. A lot of people are nervous for me, which is very sweet...Surprisingly I am not nervous though. Can you believe that? ME! the most nervous person in the whole entire world is not nervous about a cat-scan. I mean, it's a little scary to think about the possibilities, but I am almost 100% it's just some sinus problems. Also I just keep making jokes about it...which sounds immature, but is helping tremendously. I kept telling Caitlin and Christine in I.Study, that the worst they could tell me is I am dying from feline aids...the discussion wouldn't even be scary because they would be like:

DOCTOR: "We have some bad news. We don't k now how to tell you this, but we think you have a new disease. It's called felinitis. The good news is we are going to name it the "Aimee disease," after you."

ME: What does that mean, Doctor?

Doctor: It means you seem to be a cat. P.S. you have feline aids.

That is the running joke in 2nd hour, that I am secretly a cat. It's lame, immature, all of the above. We seem to get a kick out of it though, and it really has made me not nervous about anything. Plus like I mentioned before, I am pretty sure all of my constant sickness is just sinus issues anyways. So what is there to be scared about?

I have to go do an English paper that I have been procrastinating. I needed to vent though, because my sister just accidently deleted all of the 400 songs on my I-pod. I don't want to be angry at her, because I know she didn't mean to. There is probably a way to fix it, but I just needed to write a little to calm down.

Looking Past All That Shines

All that glitters is not gold, but why do I want it anyways?

I don't know what I really want to address in this blog. I just know that I have not been writing as frequently as I should be for my Independent Study. I have no desire to write at this moment, but I am making myself. I had a doctors appointment on Friday to go over my continuous sickness that does not go away. I am now on more drugs and am going to be getting a cat scan. I hope the cat scan takes place sometime this week, because the sooner that happens, the sooner I can go to a specialist. The sooner I go to a specialist, the sooner I can get better (at least I hope so.) I am now officially out of shape. I have gained at least 5 pounds, and I hate feeling unhealthy. I just can't run frequently when I am sick everyday.

I slept until 11:45 today. I did not want to do that. I try to wake up at a decent time on Sundays, because it helps me sleep easier Sunday night. I woke up at nine, but I was so tired. I decided to go back to sleep for an hour, but then I woke up at 11:45. I have been so tired from being sick, that I am hoping I will get to sleep okay still.

This week I plan to go in to talk to April again. (The youth minister I met with the one time.) I like her perspective on the Catholic faith. I feel like I need religion to be a part of my life, just to keep me on track with self-evaluation and for a sense of purpose? It is hard, because no matter what religion or lack there of, people are going to think you are wrong and not support it. I guess I need to work on following my own desires and taking care of myself spiritually, and I think April helps me with that.

I pick these role-models for so many different reasons (they can be celebrities, friends, adults, or anyone really,) and then I seem to want to know everything about them and I pin my insecurities and imperfections on them. What always happens, is that the more I get to know them, the more human they become to me, and the less interested I become in their ideas. I worry that I am seeking self-affirmation from people, and then when I get it. It's not what I want anymore. I worry that I am getting too excited to have someone that understands me in the Catholic faith, and then the more I talk with her about faith, the more I will be back to where I started. That's the thing about faith, I guess. It's a constant struggle. In the Anne Lamott book I just read recently, she used a quote from some religious figure that said something about how it is a new battle everyday to have faith. It doesn't carry over from day to day. You have to find it everyday, and sometimes you don't find it, but then you try again tomorrow.

I wish I could spell. I always submit things, such as comments or letters...thinking that I have spelled everything correctly, but later am haunted by mistakes. Then, I feel like an idiot and it bothers me for days. I rarely use spell checks on here, unless I have no idea how to spell a word. I guess I am just lazy. I need to work on that. The thing is, I use spell check sometimes, but when I use it I am fine. When I don't use it, of course something is wrong. I need to start being more aware of spelling, because the truth is people do judge you on spelling.

On another note, everyone should watch "#1 Single" on E! Lisa Loeb has her own reality show and it is very fun and cute. I wish I had E! because I would love to watch it tonight at 10pm. Luckily my lovely grandma is recording it for me! So check it out!

La Dolce Gilda

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."

I AM NOT A REBEL!

I must say that I could not have asked for a more perfect time for a snow day. I was not expecting it at all. I was up, for what felt like all night, but was only a mere hour. It was still later than I wanted to go to bed at, since I am sick. Then for some reason today I am just so dead tired. I got plenty of sleep, but I think maybe it's the messed up sinuses. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I just felt really terrible this morning, and I didn't feel prepared for the school day. I used today to get a lot of things I needed to do done. I am going to bed early as well. Even if I feel sick the rest of the week, I only have to get through tomorrow and Friday. I can do it!

I have been very confused about the Catholic Faith, for years now. I kind of have just separated myself from the church and claimed to have no religion. I just considered myself spiritual and Christian, but kind of a bad Christian. Today I talked to a Catholic Youth Minister in her twenties, who I knew from my first trip to S. Dakota. I knew she was much more open-minded than a lot of people of faith that I have talked to, so when I heard she had moved back from Boston I asked her if I could ask her about her faith. She seemed really excited to share her beliefs with me. I think I needed something like that, because now I do not feel so "rebellious" and distant from the church. She told me why she is Catholic and what has made her question her faith. She was very liberal and open minded. She told me, that she liked the Catholic faith because of the mentors she had when she was younger, they encouraged her to question things and be brave enough to admit anger about things. She spoke of all of the positive things about the faith, that I had been forgetting about. She said with other faiths she did not feel she could ask questions. I told her that is how I felt about the Catholic Faith, and she said that made her sad that is how things are right now. She encouraged my questions and my independent spiritual search. She told me she was so glad that I am taking the time to question. It is the best I have felt about my spirituality in a very long time. I have somehow gotten this twisted idea that I am a bad person, because I don't have the same beliefs as the people of faith that I know and I don't really claim an official religion. I am allowed to search around and to follow my heart. In fact, it should be encouraged. It feels good to know I am not a rebel. I am me!

I'm sick...yet again

So I'm fricken sick again. I know what you are thinkin' "big surprise." I have been sick on and off for months. Whenever I finish my anti-biotic, within a few days I get sick again. It is frustrating me, because I feel that I have been taking good care of myself. Being sick so much is making me feel sorry for myself, and is affecting my mood. I feel like a helpless hypochondriac that has a new symptom almost weekly. I feel like my friends do not understand, because everytime they ask me to hang out, I use the same excuse I have been using all year "oh I don't know; I don't feel that great." I mean what must be running through their heads everytime I say that? I know that they believe that I am sick, but are they thinking "this girl is a weakling who makes a big deal over nothing and can't stay healthy?" I sure hope not, but I feel like that a lot. I am going to try to get into the doctor tomorrow on my day off. I hope that they will run some more tests or something to put my mind at ease, instead of saying "oh you are just sick again, and after four anti-biotics there's nothing more we can do."

Everythings else is going decent. I am doing okay in school, but I am upset I worked hard on preparing for my government test only to receive a C+. It was quite a dissapointment. I guess I will have to work even harder next time. Speaking of which, I need to do stuff for that class tomorrow. I feel like such a bum, because with being sick and all I have not accomplished anything lately. I even skipped my indoor soccer game today, which makes me sad. Oh well, at least everything else is fine and I have the day off tomorrow. I hope the doctor can tell me what is my problem. I hope everyone else is healthy!

Enough Already

I saw a glimpse of my immaturity mixed with a noticable growth from last year. I have commented on Student Senate "drama" before. I have done everything I could to avoid it. I have not bad-mouthed anyone and I have done what I have been told. Somehow I have been thrown into the "bashin' bin." I was angry at first, because I feel that I am not included in any of the activities, but then expected to contribute. I felt betrayed, because I have been nothing but polite to people. I rarely get angry, so I noticed my immaturity at my anger. In order for me to be angry I have to feel vindicated, and in the past I was not confident enough to be angry. I would just get sad. Although, the anger is progress...I do realize that anger is an immature reaction most of the time, because it can take over rational thoughts. I was fortunate enough to have Big Brothers/Big Sisters today after that class, so I was able to find my normal self again. My first instinct was to grap the angry music with "F-You" screamed frequently. I then decided to select the one Christian song on my ipod and jam to it. Then my rational thoughts came into play. Well, truthfully it was not until the ride home from visiting my "little sister" that the rational thoughts came. After spending a nice time with my little, I decided that I should not feel slighted at their comments. I know that I am doing my best to be a good person. I will admit that I probably deserve to be talked about behind my back sometimes, but this is one of the few times where I didn't. I realized that the people that were saying stuff are not people I will see after I graduate. I have done my part to be respectful, and that is all I can do. If they want to talk bad about me, what good is it for me to get all angry about it? I shouldn't base my self-analysis on their opinions, so who cares?

As honest and mature as those thoughts are, I still feel some anger at writing about this. I know I shouldn't be, but it's amazing how I can be completely comfortable with a situation, and then feelings take over. I think it just comes down to my feelings were hurt for no apparent reason. I need to get used to it, because that's life...and plus I am a little bit "overly sensitive." Hey, I'm a writer...What do you expect? So the good news is...I can see growth in the aspect of understanding my feelings. The bad news is... I still feel a little slighted by the drama.

I have decided I will most likely continue doing more personal blogging on here, unless I get more interested people on my space. I wonder if any of my friends read my blogs on there, and if they do that makes me feel like I cannot be as honest. Well, I am off to study for a Govt. test tomorrow. I hope it goes well. Oh an I start job shadowing at a physical therapists office tomorrow. I am quite nervous!

MY Space

I joined my space so that I could view some profiles of people a while back and I forgot about it. I just decided to give it a try today, so if you get bored...http://www.myspace.com/sparkleaimee

Like Old Times

Well, I was sick again for Christmas, but other than that it was a really nice break! It feels like old times (This past fall) again, with that "Back to School" vibe going around, me talking about being sick, and then I just got back from my first real run that I have taken in a long time! I feel good.

I actually have real homework tonight and all of the teachers talked about how this semester is "going to be harder." It is going to be tough to stay motivated, but I am kind of excited about some of the stuff I will be doing in Lit Comp and Ind. Study. I hate school and homework, but I love the idea of learning new things. It just seems I get so burnt out on everything I don't really learn I just "get by for the test." I hope this semester I can enjoy my last semester of high school and just go all out, but have a good time. My friends are discussing a possible trip to NYC for Spring Break. I am not sure if we can pull it off, but I would just be in heaven if we can go. I hope it won't cost too much money though, because I really can't afford it right now with college approaching.

For Independent Study we actually have daily assignments and goals. I am excited, because I kind of needed a push, but I am wondering how long we will all stay motivated. When things get stressful for everyone we start to slack. I hope I can get some good comedy stories going this semester. I did not have enough funny pieces in my last porfolio. I do not really have any big news or anything to share. Everything is grand.