I work in one small town.

I got a new battery for my computer and replaced the CD drive. It is wonderful to have a fully functioning computer again. It's especially enjoyable if I accidently bump the chord and my whole computer doesn't shut down.

I am falling asleep. My night time meds are very powerful. Almost too powerful. I don't like how tired they make me. I feel like I'm not in control when I take them. I just fall asleep anywhere and everywhere. I usually don't go to bed until around 10:30, so I'm trying to make myself stay awake until then.

I've been coloring a lot lately. I like crayons. I am frustrated by unsharpened crayons, but I like the image and symbolism behind dull crayons. In fact, I'd like to find a place for dull crayons in a poem. Speaking of poems, I worked on/wrote anywhere from 2-5 poems. I was a hermit all weekend--in this sort of manic, "don't bother me--I'm writing" phase. Those instances are rare but rewarding, especially after such a long, frustrating type writer's block.

I would like to be writing a poem right now. I have an idea for the subject, emotions, and endings. I can't figure out how to start. I can't figure out the best way to articulate my feelings because they are so specific. It's hard to be passionate and creative when I'm having trouble keeping my eyes opened. I've been told by many people that I look stoned at night when my drugs are kicking in. It really is embarrassing if I don't know the people I am with very well. They will be talking and I just start dozing off in the middle.

Today at work, I was frustrated by a conversation some coworkers and I had about therapists. They asked about my brother's job. Then one young woman I work with said, "How do you get someone to go to therapy?" I said that if the person is an adult, you can't make them go. You can try to help them understand that therapy is healthy for anyone and everyone. People assume you need to be desperate, crazy, or overly-emotional or angry. I talked about how I would like to reduce the stigmas attached to mental health problems (not admitting my own struggles with them), and one of my coworkers talked about a family from her small town that went to family counseling. They talked about how much this family fought. Not only was I frustrated that they were judging this family for getting help, but I was frustrated that they could only give one example of one family. Are they really that sheltered from the harsh reality of mental health struggles? I wish I could talk to them each one-on-one and explain that I have struggles and still function okay. I think it would really blow their mind to know I have such severe depression because I make sure to be joyful for the children and polite to my coworkers every day. They think I'm extra "nice" or something like that. It feels like high school again where everyone has these expectations for me that I cannot live up to.

I really need to go. I am falling asleep. i am not rereading this because I can't even stay awake to hardly type this.

Advice to Young Poets

by Martin Espada

Never pretend

to be a unicorn

by sticking a plunger on your head

Just don't give a ---- (Eminem Title for you non-Eminem listeners)

I am not a point where blogging sounds appealing. I am only writing this because it has been so long. I feel tired, overwhelmed, and frustrated most days...not to mention, a little apathetic. The idea of writing down how I feel for other people just sounds like unnecessary effort right now.

Work is stressful these days. I feel overwhelmed a lot, but I love those kids more than they could imagine. They sometimes make me feel like I have a reason for living. I don't want to type more about my job, but there are always plenty of stories from the kids.

I'm isolating myself a lot. I stay busy with work, so quiet time is nice. This is all lame. I'm not writing much of substance.

At work, we had a discussion about Eminem, and I went on this passionate rant about how much I enjoy the way he plays with words. Everyone was surprised that I like Eminem so much when I am the "liberal feminist crazy" in a small town school. I will say that I can understand why people are confused about me being both a feminist and Eminem fan. It's very complex to explain. I would actually like to write an essay and use quotes from his songs. He certainly uses hateful words and is degrading to women, but if you listen to all of his songs, and not just one out of context of the album, you will see that he is passionate, self-reflecting, depressed, funny, lonely, and sensitive. He is one of the only rappers I know who openly admits about crying in so many of his songs. He also says these hateful things about his wife, but then openly admits his hypocrisy in a song, "When I'm Gone"-- He talks about how he is ignoring his daughter to write songs where he then says that he loves her so much and talks about how he causes her pain by rapping about hurting her mother who is a "spitting image" of her.

I understand people are worried about Eminem's hateful songs. Hate is horribly scary. I understand the power of words. It terrifies me to think that people listen to Eminem's songs and take them literally or try to mimic them. He does encourage homophobic, misogynistic thinking on the surface. It is kind of like racy comedians like Sarah Silverman. If you understand their image/act, it's great entertainment, but there is the risk that some ignorant people will quote what they say in a literal sense. In the song Eminem did over the old AeroSmith "Sing for the Moment" song, he says, "If my music is literal, then I'm a criminal, how the F*** could I raise a little girl? I couldn't. I wouldn't be fit to..."

I know some people who are on the other end and talk about his genius. I think he is brilliant with words and rhythm, but he is not trained as a writer, and it shows. Sure, he has cliches and inappropriate usage of swearing, but if you can get past that, he plays with words, rhythms, letter sounds, and content better than many poets. On the way to work, I try to keep up with Eminem rapping on some of my favorite tracks. It is incredibly hard; I am really proud that I can keep up while he raps a couple of first verses in songs.

I realize most people will not take this seriously, but when I get my CD burner fixed, I will gladly burn people an Eminem mix with an annotated list of songs, explaining what lyrics to pay attention to, which allusion is which, and maybe you will not write him off as another celebrity with no talent. I know too many activists who write him off too fast. Respecting his passion and talent can lead to reaching groups of people with ideas about love and respect that might not otherwise listen. I am very tired because my meds are kicking in. I hope this makes sense, I'm not rereading it. I'm going to bed. ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZzzZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzz