Birthday Blues

I suppose I don't really have the birthday blues. It's more like the typical Sunday blues that just seem intensified. It doesn't help that I am at the library, avoiding a paper arguing that the religious lines in Alfred, Lord Tennyson's poem "In Memoriam A.H.H." are examples of repression. I chose this poem because it's one of the few poems that spoke to me in that class. The poem took him 17 years to write. His best friend, who he had an incredibly close, although apparently non-sexual relationship with, died when Tennyson was 22. In class I thought about how I would feel if I lost any of my close friends at this age. At this age, my closest friendships have all been tested and survived a great deal. To lose one of them, and then attempt to write a poem about it would be near impossible. Apparently, Tennyson felt the same, but pushed on for 17 years until he came up with something he approved of.

In addition to the paper, I am overwhelmed with the idea of my birthday. I don't have a real birthday, so it kind of takes up the whole week, which keeps me from feeling like it's really my birthday at all. It doesn't help Laura couldn't make it home for the dinner we are having tonight that is a birthday celebration and an Oscars party. I mean, she'll be here for tomorrow and Tuesday, but Leslie already made it clear she can't celebrate those days because of work. Not to mention, my Tuesdays are ungodly long. I was away for her birthday too. It just makes me wonder will we ever get to celebrate both our birthdays together again? I mean, I guess that's how growing up works--we move away from people we love and have to settle with meeting new people and only seeing the people we love from our past once in a while. Everyone gets wrapped up in their own circles (new families/spouses/partners) and those people get priority over old relationships. I'm slowly dealing with it. I've already seen this sort of change with April and Evan since they've had a baby. When they are home, their families want to spend as much time as they can with the baby and them, so it just happens naturally that I don't see them much anymore. It's not anyone's fault or something I take personal, because I know that's just the nature of aging. One positive thing is that I'm incredibly excited to spend an entire week with them starting one week from tomorrow. I, of course, miss them and wish we could spend more time together, but now the time I do have with them, is something I treasure greatly.

It's the same thing with Dawn and Kristin living in different states (countries sometimes). Those girls are some of my closest friends, and I miss them terribly. Yet, our friendship has evolved over the years from seeing each other every day to an occasional e-mail or phone call on birthdays or holidays. Despite feeling grief every time I say goodbye to them, I have adjusted to them not being a part of my immediate contacts.

Not all change is bad. For example, Alicia's fiance, James, hung around with us when we visited Alicia this weekend, and they both gave me a birthday gift from the two of them. I realized that now that they are getting married, James will be always be a part of our circle of friends. At first that feels a little threatening, but I like James, and I think we all have fun together. Plus, it's nice to see Alicia so happy with him. Drew is getting married, too. I like her fiance, Patrick, a lot, so it has been a sort of similar transition at viewing them both as close friends to me instead of just thinking about him as Drew's boyfriend.

Despite having the birthday/Sunday blues about aging, changed relationships/locations, (not to mention my "boyfriend" who doesn't know it's my birthday and I haven't seen since Valentines Day due to him being sick), I've had a lot of positive things this weekend.

Thursday night, Leslie, Tammy, and I all went out bar-hopping. At our favorite brewery, they let us drink free all night. Then, Tammy and Leslie bought any additional drinks for me at the other bars. It was a fun night and Tammy's little sister, Elizabeth, graciously drove us home. Then, Leslie let me come along to her cousin's place. Her cousin fed us great food, made us margaritas, and taught us a couple of fun new games. We also got to meet up with Alicia and James who then bought us lunch. Leslie bought me a fancy bagel this morning at this nice bagel shop Alicia and James took us too. Also, my friend Albert was supposed to come down, but due to the whether, we rescheduled for after Spring Break. He surprised me by remembering my birthday, sending birthday wishes and even saying he has a gift. So in reality, everyone spoiled me for my birthday this weekend--not to mention, the real celebration is tonight. We will do a dinner party with cake and all. Plus, I'm looking forward to watching the Oscars. I like Anne Hathaway and James Franco, and I'm, of course, rooting for Natalie Portman to win best actress :)

I shouldn't complain of the birthday blues when my "real" birthday is somewhere between tomorrow and Tuesday. My boyfriend could surprise me (unlikely) and who knows what Laura and I will do for it. I feel slightly guilty for feeling blue when so many loving people have been going out of their way to make my birthday special, so please don't feel this is complaining or unappreciative. I guess, I'm just trying to logically talk myself out of the blues by remembering all of the special things that did happen this weekend and might still occur. Plus, L.A. in one week. I can't wait for some sunshine, the city of angels, and great friends.

Well, my Cran Energy is now finished, and I feel the caffeine kicking in. I suppose it's time I tackle that paper.

Awakening

The last few weeks have been educational in many ways. I booked tickets to LA to visit April and Evan because it was either that or no tickets to go on Spring Break at all. That resulted in drama because I could not afford to go see Laura. I don't want to blame anyone for that drama, because I know Laura and everyone else knows how much I'm dying to see her. It's just that I needed to go on Spring Break, and with the way things worked out, I needed to go to LA. Even though, I am sad to hear I won't see Laura, I am excited to spend a week with April and Evan. They are some of the most, educated and logical people I know. I think a week with them will not only be fun for us all, but a good time for me to sort things out. I need a break from the chaos of image, school, and relationships. I really don't have much to say on that, but my relationship history is not anything to be proud of, and it doesn't seem to be getting better.

In my psychology of women class, I learn so much. I don't even know where to start telling you all about it. I just know that I was already a feminist who believed in equality, but when I come out of this class every morning, I feel angry and politically charged. I feel like I could save the world sometimes after walking out of class. I know that's idealistic, but it's still nice to be reminded what kind of fight I am in and be able to look forward to the progress I am apart of. I already knew things weren't equal, but I'm being reminded of what kind of strides we need to take to reach that goal.

I have so much more to say, but little that is coming to mind now. Probably more to say this weekend. Thanks for reading what little reflection I have.

Famous Blue Raincoat

I'm sitting in lisa's music room, listening to her and Nick play live music. I love the power of smooth live music. It has a power to take me to different parts of my mind. Earlier tonight, they played Leonard Cohen's "Famous Blue Raincoat." I forget what a beautiful songwriter he is. A lot of people don't even know he is the orignal "Hallelujah" writer, because Jeff Buckley's cover took off so much. I admit I like Buckley's version better, but the fact that Cohen wrote the lyrics and his sounds more Church-like is worthy of upmost respect. What a creative soul.

Right now, they are playing a Gillian Welch song "Revelator." They picked up the pace a bit, and I like it. I'm supposed to be wrapping up my second chapter of my memoir, but I keep staring at the screen. I'm not sure how to wrap up something so complicated. Instead, I asked lisa for her internet code, which I knew was a bad idea because I already went on facebook, email, and now I'm blogging. Although, blogging is better than staring at the screen. I'm at least translating thoughts into sentences. I suppose that's something.

Today, I went back to my high school to watch Ashlee walk on Winterfest Court. I'd been to the gym/auditorium area for other events Ashlee has been in, but today was the first time I went back into the actual school section. It was such a weird flashback. It had been five years since I walked those hallways. James is now a teacher amongst teachers who taught me. It was weird to see how small the high schoolers are. I mean, high school seems so big, so adult-like. I'd never go back to it. I saw former teachers, coaches, and counselors. They were all stoked to hear about my book project. It was weird telling them it was about struggling with mental health and spirituality, because I realized they don't know anything about my mental health or spiritual journeys. It's strange for me to think I've now been in college longer than I was in High School. College has gone so much faster--been so much less oppressive. I will be 23 this month. That's my favorite number (back from my soccer playing days). I hope that means I have a good year in store. Maybe I'll finish my book.

It's nice to be at home. I went out to lunch today with Mom and we had good conversation, which we don't get to do often. Dad and I shared some chai tea after dinner, and I'm also enjoying catching up with lisa and Nick. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to even see the famous Adam D. I can't wait. I haven't seen him in far, far too long. He's the kind of friend where when we're together, we're the best of friends, but when we are apart, we lose all contact. I have no idea what's been going on in his life since September, and he knows next to nothing about mine. He's heard about the nun thing through the grapevine, but I am looking forward to talking to him about it tomorrow. I'm looking forward to a big hug from him too.

Tomorrow, I'm going with Ashlee to get her tattoo. I'm going to ask about how and when can I get mine touched up. The purple is faded on the bottom side. It doesn't bother me much, because I don't really ever see that side of my wrist. Just for when people ask about it, though, it will be nice to have it bright all the way around. Then, in the evening is the ceremony where they crown the Winterfest king and queen. I don't know if Ashlee will win, but I hope she's not too concerned about it. Popularity in high school does not amount to anything in real life. In fact, I'd say most of my friends now were not popular in high school. I think most of my friends were too ahead of their time and cool for high school. I wish I would have been one of those kids, but I survived it all eventually.

Enjoy some beautiful lyrics!

Famous Blue Raincoat by Leonard Cohen

It's four in the morning, the end of December
I'm writing you now just to see if you're better
New York is cold, but I like where I'm living
There's music on Clinton Street all through the evening.

I hear that you're building your little house deep in the desert
You're living for nothing now, I hope you're keeping some kind of record.

Yes, and Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear
Did you ever go clear?

Ah, the last time we saw you you looked so much older
Your famous blue raincoat was torn at the shoulder
You'd been to the station to meet every train
And you came home without Lili Marlene

And you treated my woman to a flake of your life
And when she came back she was nobody's wife.

Well I see you there with the rose in your teeth
One more thin gypsy thief
Well I see Jane's awake --

She sends her regards.
And what can I tell you my brother, my killer
What can I possibly say?
I guess that I miss you, I guess I forgive you
I'm glad you stood in my way.

If you ever come by here, for Jane or for me
Your enemy is sleeping, and his woman is free.

Yes, and thanks, for the trouble you took from her eyes
I thought it was there for good so I never tried.

And Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear

-- Sincerely, L. Cohen

Dreams

Tuesday was the longest, worst day that I have had in a long time. I had a snow day on Wednesday that allowed me to recover by sleeping most of the afternoon away and catching up on writing for my independent study. Wednesday proved to be a wonderful day compared to Tuesday. Tuesday was just a wreck because I stayed up until 2:30 doing papers that were due Tuesday, and then I had to wake up at 7:30 to drive Leslie to work, so I could take her car to my appointment that afternoon. The roads were horrible, and it was not only a day where I was on-the-go from 7:30 am until 9pm, but it was a day where I was in high-stress, borderline panic-inducing states all day long. My hands already shake from one of my medications, but when I add sleeplessness, caffeine, and little time to eat on top of it, my hands were shaking so bad that I could barely hit the right numbers on the microwave. It was just a mentally draining day. Ever since Tuesday, I have been sleeping a lot. The kind of sleep that I just keep falling in and out of all day long. This has been especially scary, because I am having scary, complex, and incredibly realistic dreams. It has even got to the point where I can't remember what's from real life and what's from my dreams. Most of the confusion is just little things...for example, yesterday I could have sworn that I took out our bathroom trash. I was over-heated from my electric blanket, so I thought I took out my trash and stood outside by the trash can for a minute to cool off. I then remembered, telling my roommate I did this. Later in the day, I went into our bathroom and the trash was still overflowing. I asked my roommate if I had talked to her about it, and she looked at me as if I was crazy. Little things like that are less serious, but when it starts to leave me wondering on much bigger situations, it gets scary.

The dreams are all so far-fetched and extreme. I can't seem to find any common threads in situations, characters, or scenery. The only thing that seems to connect them all is paranoia, grief, anxiety/panic, and shame. Last night, I was afraid to go to sleep. Plus, I had slept on and off all day, so I wasn't tired. My allergies were bothering me, and I was wide awake still at 3:30, so I took a Benodryl. Luckily, I didn't have any dreams that were too intense last night. I'm thinking maybe they were just a result of the extreme stress on Tuesday. I'm hoping they were just stress-dreams, but scary nonetheless.

My acid reflux cough is back again. I gotta figure out a way to keep this under control. It's expensive to keep buying the over-the-counter stuff. I wish it was still a prescription so my insurance covered it. When I cough, I can taste a metallic type flavor, which I'm guessing is just the stomach acid, but I'm not sure. I probably should be eating better, but it's hard with all of the stress in my life and the joy I find in eating everything that is bad for it.

My other theory on the dreams is that I'm just watching too many weird movies, and getting sucked into all of the books I'm reading along with the mixing of the fiction and non-fiction I'm writing. I'm in a very strange place. I hope this week goes much smoother.