Fears

I had to do this for therapy. Here's the list of all of my fears.

1. Snakes
2. Frogs/toads
3. Tests
4. Failing
5. Driving alone at night
6. Driving far away
7. Driving in strange places
8. Being alone forever
9. Dying alone
10. Dying and being forgotten
11. Dying unhappy
12. Getting an MIP
13. Getting in a car accident
14. Causing a car accident
15. Giving formal speeches in front of people
16. Speaking up about things that are really important to me.
17. Having my intentions misunderstood
18. Losing a parent
19. Losing a sibling
20. Walking alone at night
21. Never getting a job
22. Depending on my parents forever
23. Being in debt
24. Being trapped in a job I don’t like
25. Being unhappily married
26. Never getting married
27. Living Alone
28. Causing my family to be unhappy
29. Causing my friends to be unhappy
30. Making people angry
31. Disappointing people
32. Making people sad
33. Not being able to help someone that needs it
34. Not being able to breathe
35. Forgetting Important Information

I Love the 80's

I love the 80's, mainly because that charmingly distasteful era is what brought me into this world. Last night I had the weird, but fun experience of attending a full out 80's party. It felt like some weird time warp. It was very fun, but uncomfortable because my friend Michelle and I didn't know anyone except the two girls who invited us. It was a crowded night of loud 80's music, guys with bad outfits, and girls in trashy make-up (yes, I was one of them). It was a lot of fun, but I am glad my friend and I left before midnight. I can only handle huge housefuls of strangers for short periods of time, before a panic attack occurs...just kidding. I haven't had a panic attack in a while, thanks to the new breathing exercises I have learned.

I am adjusting better to school. I still have no idea how my grades are going to look, but I think that I am doing all that I can. Biology and Psych are worrying me a little bit, but I hope to make it out of those two okay. I have a psych paper due this Wednesday. I need to start that tonight. I also need to pick another topic to write a synthesis paper on, which is going to be tricky. We have been watching several documentaries in that class to help give us ideas. We watched one about raising the minimum wage. It is a part of the 30 days series. The guy who did "Super Size Me," agreed to live as a part of the working poor. Him and his fiance tried to get by for one month working minimum wage jobs. It is amazing the kind of debt they took on, and it is not nearly long enough to get the half of what people in that situation go through. I wasn't sure what I thought about the raise in minimum wage, because I know it is a complex issue when it comes to employment. After watching the documentary about it, I definately see why we needed to higher the minimum wage. A person working a minimum wage job, full time, was still below the poverty line. Minimum wage was created to be the lowest income that a person could live at. Before the raise in minimum wage people could not fully live, and that is unfair. The documentary made me aware of how little I really know about poverty and how fortunately sheltered I have been from it. My professor then went on to talk about living in poverty with her boyfriend working minimum wage jobs before she became a professor. It scares me, because I know she had a solid education, so how does that happen? Then no one in the class wanted to comment on the intense article we read on poverty. She got angry and said we were just skipping it then. I had a lot to say, but it was such a heavy issue we were discussing. I don't think people wanted to just chip in anything, at least I didn't. I felt really guilty about her getting angry though, because she opened up so much to the class. I feel like in college the professors shouldn't need to get angry at the class, because we are all paying for our education, but I just couldn't speak up. She is my favorite professor, though. She encourages us to look deeper into issues that really matter to us, and then she challenges me without being mean about it. Even though it is a lot of work, writing papers for that class...I think I might miss it next semester.

I am off to watch the episode I missed of Grey's Anatomy online. I love that show.

Exited

I am so excited to be going home tonight. It has made me in the best mood, just about all week...minus the stressing about the three papers (especially the bio lab report-talk about a killer). I am planning on surprising Leslie. She is having surgery tomorrow, and she has no idea I am coming over tonight to surprise her. Yes, I realize that I run the risk of her reading this before I actually make it home, but I don't think she reads this anymore. She only reads my blogs on myspace, which is a-okay. I might wait to post this until I actually get home though, just in case. She is going to be so surprised. She keeps talking about how excited she is to see me Saturday and how she had to get her stupid surgery out of the way before all of this, it was so hard for me to not get excited and tell her that she would see me tonight. She is going to be so shocked.

I am just trying to kill time until my clothes are done in the dryer, then I am going to dinner, and then my dad will be here. I can't wait!

Therapy went really well today. I think it really is good for me. My therapist is really spiritual, and at first that scared me. I am trying to take a break from everything right now, I didn't really want any religious biases in therapy. She told me today that she was not religious for ten years. Maybe she isn't so crazy afterall. She recommended some more exercises for me and some movies I should check into. I want to rent one of them for tomorrow when I am home alone. Maybe Leslie will want to watch it with me pass out on the couch while I crash at her house...I am guessing she will be a little bit drugged up and tired. When I had surgery, though I had insomnia for a week afterwords. I was like "Sleep? Who does that?" It was not very fun, but a good experience. The whole insomnia thing is crazy, but very accomplishing in a twisted sort of way.

I miss writing regularly for independent study. I don't even know if I am capable of writing anything of quality anymore. I tried writing a poem the other day, but I was so tired it was total crap. I don't even think it can be classified as a poem. I haven't attempted writing any stories but I have several funny topics I would love to over-exaggerate into some hilarious fiction. I just don't have the time or know where to begin. I need to though, for my sanity. I have too many crazy, rediculous thoughts that are very funny. They are sometimes distracting, so I need to just write and get it all out...but academic writing does not quite do the trick. I do so much of that, it is kind of hard to do any other kind of writing. Well, I hope my clothes are dry, because it is going to be cutting it close with my dinner plans.

How am I Doing?

How am I doing? So nice of you to ask, because no one does. I don't know how I am doing anymore. Things are so weird that sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or cry. It is strange, because I don't know if I am happy or sad, overall. There are plenty of things telling me I should be happy, but just as many things telling me to be sad.

I like it here at Central, I honestly do. The campus is great, my professors are great, I have a nice boyfriend, I don't have as many friends as I would like, but I have some nice friends. I am stressed about classes, proably more than I should be. I think it is almost to an unhealthy level, the stressing about classes. I am sad at how things change though. I honestly don't know what is wrong with Kristin and I. I feel like we are trying so hard, or at least I am trying so hard, but it is not working. The extremely close friendship we had seems to be vanishing more every week. I was able to have a good conversation with her Thursday evening finally, but she had to go rather quickly and promised to call back, because we were "having a good discussion." I have yet to hear from her. I left her message last night, because I saw that she called at 2:30am. I told her that I was kind of disspointed that she never called back, but I know she is busy. I told her I understand, but that I wanted to talk to her soon and she has not called. It is so weird, because I used to be able to just walk over to her house or show up at any random moment if we needed to talk, and now it is like mission impossible. She has called me back when I am busy though, but it is so frustrating to be playing phone tag for what feels like weeks. Do we even fully know eachother anymore?

Things are going great with Eric, I said I wasn't going to blog about my boy-situations after the last two times I did that (last year) things got messy from that, so I am not going into details. I probably won't mention it again, but I am happy with our relationship. I think he is good for me. Much healthier than me isolating myself up here. Leslie said she thinks it is healthy for me to be in a relationship with someone like him right now. I feel like I am bringing him down with my homesickness, but he gets to go home all of the time. He only lives 45 minutes away and he has a car. I can't stop talking about how I want to go home, just for a weekend before Thanksgiving. My parents are accomodating with that, so it might be possible soon.

The one positive thing about being up here is that when family drama occurs, I can choose to separate myself from it. I am not saying that to sound like a jerk, I just think that is helpful for me right now with all of my other stresses. I am enjoying the fact that I have that choice now.

I have started seeing a therapist, and I think it is very good for me. I wasn't so sure, but I have been doing the meditation exercises my therapist recommended for me, and I think they are good for me. I am doing better overall mentally, but some random days really knock me on my ass. It sucks, because I never see it coming. I just can't wait to go home to see everyone, fall asleep next to my dog or cat, get in the hottub, and go rollerblading or walking with Leslie.

I have to meet Eric for dinner. I suppose after that I should start those three papers I have due this week...good times.