I Try

I am fighting hard. I'm really proud of that. Unfortunately, I still focus on my lack of progress. I stopped into visit the people at Partial yesterday after my doctor's appointment. They looked really happy to see me and reminded me what progress I have made. They loved my new tattoo, too :)

I'm trying to be optimistic. I have a lot to be thankful for right now. I don't know why I feel depressed. Tonight, I am having trouble getting motivated to clean my room for the Aussie's coming up to visit tomorrow. It will be nice to show everyone where I go to school. The campus really is beautiful in the fall.

I've been feeling very restless and I get angry easily. That is not my personality at all, or maybe it is. My therapist says I abandoned the real me at a pretty young age. It has been refreshing to seek it. I see glimpses of it when I'm skateboarding down hills, climbing trees, and getting positive feedback on my writing. I don't have any more to say about how I feel tonight. I'm trying to deny this negativity by listening to upbeat music. I really just wanna lay in bed. Gotta clean. clean. clean.

Sunday Chatter

My face is windburned from the roller coasters and Lake Eerie winds yesterday. It was a rather mild day at Cedar Point, which I was thankful for. I only rode three coasters. I didn't even get to ride my favorite "The Millennium," because the line was 2 hours long. We had my cousin, Karen from Australia's children with us, so we spent a great deal of time around the kiddie rides. It was fun to see them so excited, though. Plus, it was a lot less crowded by the kiddie rides, and I'm not a fan of large crowds. It was just nice to be together. I hadn't seen my cousin, Karen and her family since I was 16 and in Vancouver. Prior to that I hadn't seen them since I went to Australia when I was seven. It is so strange, because Karen's daughter, Jemma, is seven. It's so strange to have family so far away because kids grow up without you seeing them. I remember Jemma as just a little 2-3 year old, and now she is seven with her own personality and her certain maturity to her. She is quiet and observes everything going on around her. I think she may be a bit of an old soul like many of the people I know and get along with so long. My therapist says I'm an old soul, which would explain my vivid memories of childhood and the way I never quite fit in with my peers because I was asking questions that were never answered. I was even led to believe that questioning everything is not okay. The unknown scares people. They don't need some little kid throwing it in their faces all the time.

Despite the kids growing up so fast, there is something comforting in reuniting with the Aussies. That family connection of sharing similar personality traits and being understood on a deep level, yet barely knowing each other on a shallow, everyday level. Karen was 19 when I went to Australia. I try to imagine her at the bar with friends or just doing everyday activities and it is weird to me. I do not know her or the rest of the Australian family (they couldn't afford to all come over :( in that way either. Yet, I can talk to Karen about not being an angry person, yet having that family trait of having bad tempers get the best of us sometimes. That side of the family is fiery. Laura says I'm fiery. We all also have small bladders, which is horrible for road trips--causing us to stop nearly every hour for someone. Groove Adam did not come because he wasn't sure he could be patient enough with our large family. Our family has to be possibly the worst people to travel with in the sense of efficiency. I went into it with the attitude that I didn't care what we did. I just wanted to enjoy their company, and I had a very nice time.

I was also reminded how much I love kids. I don't want to be a school teacher. I know that much, but I wouldn't mind having a job where I work with kids in some way. In fact, my therapist says my goal to be a professor is a great one. She says she can see me being a professor later in life and loving it. She said she has a harder time imagining me going straight out of school to being a professor. I think she's right. I know several young professors who have been burnt out. I wouldn't mind having a job where I don't even make much money as long as I was doing something I believed in. I wouldn't mind doing Teach America and working with inner-city kids. Who knows where I'll end up. I've decided I know where I want to go to grad school. Sarah Lawrence in New York. It's a long story on how I arrived at such a goal, but it is exciting to have a dream, and it's the kind of dream I could never have imagined for myself as a child--yet, it's everything I could want.

I started this blog with little to say. I am glad I found a lot to reflect on. It isn't quite as specific or clear-cut as I would have hoped, and there is very little wisdom in it, but I'm thankful for it anyway. It is nice to have someplace to clear my head.

Soledad

I'm intrigued by the fact that soledad means both loneliness and solitude in Spanish. As a writer, I think about the thin line between loneliness and solitude. I'm working on a poem about this. I'm too tired to write anything else on here.

Geo-Board God

Cesar’s glasses rest at the base of his nose. In full concentration, he looks down through thick, clouded lenses. Blue frames contrast with his brown skin. Stretching rubber bands around nails to make shapes, I see Cesar Ramirez, Malcom, Che, and Lennon in the light reflected in his pupils. He is one of many five-year-old pupils in a summer school program—designed to help kids of migrant workers catch up in school. Most are behind from moving multiple times a year. I help teach the kindergarten room shapes, numbers, and letters while their parents fry in fields, picking produce fast food chains will not pay fairly for. His classmates color circles with crayons or use the rubber bands to stretch triangles, squares, and rectangles. Cesar stretches diagonal lines, creating angles.

Cesar, what are you making? I interrupt.

Gawd, he answers softly in his thick Mexican accent.

What?

Gawd, He says louder.

God?

Yeah. He shakes his head in disbelief of my doubt.

Because Leslie Asked

Leslie asked why I haven't updated my blog. I don't have a real answer. I'm backsliding in my mental health. I don't really like to update people on negativity. I think I may need a medicine adjustment (although I keep procrastinating/forgetting to call the doctor). The gloomy cold weather also makes things difficult. I've been trying to make time to skateboard a lot. It's one of the only activities I am still capable of enjoying. I'm not looking forward to the snow and having to put the board away for 6 months--that is if our winter is as bad this year as it was last.

Writing is going well. I met one of my favorite poets (Marie Howe) last week. She gave a reading here. I waited around to get my book signed and talk with her about how much I loved and connected with her work. She was super nice. I told her I was even considering applying to work under her for grad school. She even told me to write on my application that I talked to her here and that she told me to write that on there. I was shocked and honored. I bet that will help me get through the first round of applications when it comes time for me to apply.

I've been working out, eating great, getting enough sleep. I'm pretty much doing everything right. Just not getting better. I also make it a nightly ritual to color with Laura, Tammy Danielle, or Leslie every night. It's just a nice way for me to unwind. Laura and I printed off a bunch of free coloring pages in a computer lab. They have everything you could ever want to color on-line. My favorite things to color are the mandalas. They are circular designs that represent wholeness and balance. Several different religious traditions use them. I'm not sure which one they originate from--hinduism, buddhism? I am not sure. I even colored a picture of the president in neon colors. It looks really neat.

This weekend I am going to my first ever "Zombie Party." It is Leslie's brother, Jame's birthday party. He insisted everyone dress like zombies. I don't know exactly what that means, but Leslie and I are going to be "80s Zombies together." I always like a nice reason to where all of my brightest clothes and tons of funny make-up. Jordan is coming up for that. He is coming straight from a gig so he says he will be a "dressed-up zombie." I bet he won't have to worry about running into a zombie with the same idea.

The leaves are changing. The tree tops look like paintbrushes just dipped lightly in paint. I hope they don't change too fast. My cousins from Australia are coming up here in a few weeks. The campus is so beautiful in the Fall. I hope they have nice weather.

I ran into an acquaintance today. It was such an unexpected rendezvous because she graduated and moved home. I never really thought she liked me, but today she went out of her way to chase me down (I was power-walking to Spanish) and say hello. I'm so intrigued by people in general and the way we interact with each other. I like when people surprise me in positive ways.

I passed two men with trash bags today. I think they were collecting pop cans. We passed each other, walking in opposite directions. I gave my usual awkward half smile I give strangers, secretly feeling pity, wondering what their life story was. One of them said, "Another day, huh?" I smiled and said, "Yeah. Another day," contemplating what that could mean. It could be a depressing statement like--just another day. Or it could be a thankful comment, like being amazed by another day. I'm not really sure which way they meant. I'm not even entirely sure which one I meant. I was glad he said it though. People are beautiful.