The Truth About Lies

Depression is like handing a pair of bifocals to someone in need of them, but the top lens is so clouded with dirt that his or her vision for distances is worse than before. However, the ability to see objects that are close improves tremendously. Depression causes one to be extraordinarily perceptive to people’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities. My new glasses allowed me to expose how often everyone lies. White lies are chocolate, because they can make almost anyone feel better, but cause sickness when eaten at the wrong time or too often. With my clouded top lens, I felt revulsion at the frequency of lies I had been told all of my life, as well as the ones I regurgitated to others to keep the peace. Even after I have cleaned the first cloud of dirt off of the top lens, I still find myself feeling anger at some of the lies individuals told me that I kept quiet about. No one was safe from my sight. I caught everyone that meant anything to me lying; even those that I liked to believe would never do such a thing. I also feel anger when I think of the lies I have told to people, because it’s what they wanted to hear instead of what they needed to hear.

I have friends that swear they are completely honest even when it hurts, but that is a lie. It would be foolish to be so honest at all times, not to mention rude. If honesty is the best policy, then why does everyone lie so much? People lie to cover up their fragile little egos. I know so many people that claim they are confident in their identity and strong enough to be honest and take responsibility for their mistakes; I am one of them. After seeing the truth from all the lies I do believe people can tell the truth in the most difficult of situations, but only when given proper time to think and prepare themselves. When anyone is put on the spot for something they did wrong, a lie is almost always involved. The lie could be as big as completely denying the mistake or as little as exaggerating the excuse behind it. I have also found that when someone has a lot to lose, then even the noblest people will rationalize a lie to help rest his or her conscious. It is amazing the effort an individual can put into rationalizing mistakes, which is just a way of disguising the fact that they are lying to their selves.

There are times when I know someone is lying to me, but I pretend to believe him or her to avoid conflict and protect their ego. Then there have been times when the person knows that I am aware that they are lying to me, but pretends he or she is oblivious, because it sounds better to say than the truth. I tell a lot of those little white lies where I can tell the person doesn’t believe me, but I say it anyway, because I feel like it’s the right thing to say. I have tried to be more mindful of the way things come out of my mouth only because I feel like it will make the person feel better. I am always more concerned with making the other person happy, even if it leaves me feeling lousy. That is not a good way to go about life.

When I was walking with Kristin down town Ann Arbor we were discussing how we finally have had to stop trying to please everyone so much with our studies and decisions. We came to the conclusion that no one really cares about our happiness. That doesn’t mean people don’t care, because they do want us to be happy. The problem is that they can only imagine what would make them happy so they try to convince you to study things that will guarantee jobs with money or behave in ways that everyone “likes” you since they believe that is the way to happiness. Those things do not usually lead to happiness. Gilda Radner had a quote in Rolling Stones something along the line of how important it is to have one or two real friends, because you can get the world to love you, but you don’t have the world’s phone number to call when you are upset late at night. I lied to myself and everyone else for so long to make other people like me. I was finally convinced people actually liked me from the several awards my senior class awarded me, but I still didn’t feel like I had many people that really knew and loved me. I was okay with that kind of life in high school, but it is too much work to continue on without a support system that I don’t have to lie to in order to keep them around. I am currently developing a sturdier support system. I have found the people that mean the most to me are all people that I don’t have to lie to, but can confess when I tell them one anyway.

I am surrounded by so many lies, but now that I have clearer vision on both of my bifocals I try to honor both perspectives to see the whole picture. When I am hurt by someone I admire lying to me, then I try to reflect on “why would they tell me this lie?” “What are they trying to protect me or their self from?” and "Is this lie appropriate to bring up with them?" When I find myself lying I try not to feel guilty about it until after I dissect the reason behind the lie. I used to try so hard to pretend I didn’t lie, but that just left me telling more lies. I think acknowledging my lies is one of the most honest things I can do. I wish more people could begin to dissect their lies. Maybe if everyone told the truth about lying, then more truth could be told.

Reason for Hope

I am reading Jane Goodall's "Reason for Hope." It is the story of her spiritual journey. My grad assisstant reccommended it, because during the twelve hours we spent together on our wolf-tracking adventure, we discovered we shared a love for reading spiritual books. We also discovered that we both were in a phase of our lives where we felt disconnected from spirituality resulting in the both of us no longer reading spiritual books. She told me about “Reason for Hope,” because it is her favorite book. I, of course, told her about Anne Lamott. I checked out Goodall’s book after I had rediscovered my love for spiritual books thanks to Anne Lamott’s latest book “Grace (Eventually).” I didn’t think I liked Goodall's bookk that much at first, because I found it hard to relate to. She was raised Catholic, which helped me relate to her, but I have never been much of a scientist. All of her obsessions with animals seemed foreign to me. I can see why my grad. asst. would like it so much, considering she was also raised Catholic and is a Bio major that studies animals. The further I get into, the more I like. It is real. Her life is not something I can relate to, but I am seeing another spiritual journey that doesn’t follow the rules resulting from Catholicism. It is beneficial for me to see how other people find a spirituality that works for them after coming from a similar starting place as me.

My writers group is the best thing I could be a part of this summer. It gives me a purpose and goals to shoot for, it has reunited me with people I haven’t seen in forever, as well as helping me meet other cool writers in the community. I need to stop trying to hard to write something impressive, because each week it gets harder and harder for me to bring something I feel confident in. I love the challenge though! It has also helped me appreciate my relationship with lisa, because I do not feel like I fully appreciated it before…probably because the whole teacher/student thing was clouding my vision. I am glad that I no longer feel the need to impress her in anyway so I can just send her ridiculous drafts of writing that I know are not my best. The feedback strengthens my writing and I know I don’t have to get embarrassed at my errors. It was also fun at the first meeting I went to when April and Evan were there, because I have showed April some of my serious writing, but she had never seen my crazy stories that I am known for writing. Writing just helps me feel more understood, even when I am exaggerating things to make them funny. I just feel like my real personality comes out.

I am working Safety City this week. I have a really good group of kids. There is this one boy that is so sweet. Most of the kids don’t ever call me by my name, but this boy ALWAYS does. It’s always,
“Hi, Aimee,” “Thanks, Aimee,” or my personal favorite quote from today “Aimee, you’re beautiful!” Needless to say I want to keep that kid around at all times. He always asks if I can come over and play after Safety City, and I always respond that I need to go to my house. He always says, “Aww that’s boring!” He is such a sweet kid. I was worried how I would go back to working with kids, since I was not around kids much this year. I am exhausted from the whole depression thing, so I was worried the kids wouldn’t like me as much and I would be dull. Being with the kids gives me energy though, so I am still energetic (for the most part) with them. I am definitely not overly energetic, because I am too old to b running around at all times with the kids. They have much more energy than me, so the trick is learning balance of when to be energetic and when to just let them be energetic.

I have been writing so much crap it is awful. I know it is good practice just to write, even if it is meaningless crap that will never be used, but I have to write all of the time in order to have something acceptable for writers group. I wonder how my writing will change when I am working full time at the migrant schools. I start next Tuesday. It will be exhausting, but the kids are always so lovable!

I spent over an hour at the labyrinth at a local college since Safety City is located on campus. The time was wonderful, because it was a perfect day when I was sitting in the shade. There was a nice breeze rattling the trees and the sun was reflecting off of the rocks. A robin was crawling playfully on the statue of Mary’s head. It was the statue where she is holding a grown and deceased Jesus in her arms. I love days when the weather is perfect, because it is so rare! I love sitting outside and reflecting on these perfect days. It’s probably the best thing I can ever do for myself spiritually. Lisa is writing a paper she wants to submit to a journal to be published. It is about the benefits of sending high school kids outside. She uses a quote from my blog entry “Congratulations, you’ve turned into a hippie” to show how her former students are still enjoying the benefits of being outside. I wasn’t even explicitly getting at that, but now I am stating it plain and simple….going outside is probably one of the best things I can do for myself spiritually. You can’t live for happiness, because happiness is just a “side effect” of living, as Adam said this past weekend. I guess, that is a reason for hope and not dissapointment like I had once thought.

Climbing

I feel sick. I am not working yet and I am out of school. I think I must be the only person that can get stressed and wear myself out when I am not doing anything of importance. I think it is because I have been having so much time to think. Thinking is exhausting and I often wonder if I am masochistic with my thoughts in the sense that I like to let them go wherever they want compared with many people who try to ignore all of their bad feelings. I like to acknowledge my feelings and honor them for a minute. I can't always afford to do that during the school year, but whenever I have free time alone I love flirting with painful thoughts like a good girl that loves flirting with bad boys.

I've been feeling apathetic again and that worries me. I just don't care about anything really. I think I am just the kind of person that is never going to feel content. I think the people who tell me happiness is just a state of mind or a perspective are wrong, because I try so hard to put on that lens. Once in a while I am successful, but it is so hard for me. I don't think it is supposed to take as much energy as it does for me to feel happy.

I have been thinking about how everyone has their own story and the way people ignore that. It's like if we don't know a person's struggles then they don't exist. It makes me think of people that I have gotten to know after having seen them everyday for a while. I would think that I know them, but when I really get to know them and their struggles I would think back to when I would see them everyday. It would shock me that I never knew they were carrying all of this around with them. There's some quote about be understanding/nice to people, because they are fighting a battle you know nothing about. It might sound cheesy but it is so true.

I have been being an asshole a lot lately. I am so confused and vulnerable that I get hurt easily and I freak out when I feel hurt because I fear I am depressed again, so I lash out to the person that hurt me instead of letting them know they hurt me. I have been feeling discouraged with how hard everything has to be. Healing is ten times harder than I could have ever imagined. It is like I am climbing up a mountain, because I fell off the cliff. I get so tired sometimes that I am just tempted to fall again or just stop where I am forever. I am still climbing though