Another Sunday Night

Sunday nights always make me anxious. I am excited to start work tomorrow. The kids don't start until Tuesday, and I can't wait. Those kids give me an unquestionable reason for living for six weeks. I feel needed, loved, and appreciated by the most innocent little tykes. I really do love them.

I have an appointment at my new therapist's tomorrow. I'm a little nervous. Starting over is always a pain, but new perspectives are always worth it.

Tonight I feel like writing, but the words don't look as beautiful as normal. They aren't flowing out all tied nicely together, but instead they are choppy and crooked. I'm pausing for too long at every punctuation mark, but my thoughts aren't cold tonight.

I haven't been able to see many of the people I would like to lately. April and Evan have been in town off and on, but they have been really busy. Now, I am really busy, so it's hard to sync our schedules. Adam is working a lot. I was supposed to meet up with him and Sista Ashley, but he never called. I am sure work is wearing him out. I miss him, though. I miss these people so much because they engage in meaningful conversations. I get so sick of talking about the weather all the time.

Wednesday, I am flying out to see Laura. It has been hard to be apart for so long since we used to hang out every day. I'm so excited to spend plenty of time with her, enjoy the ocean, and soak up some sun. I'm a little nervous to fly alone, but it will be good for my confidence. I'm proud that I am not letting fear get in the way of an awesome vacation. It doesn't make me any less nervous, though. I can do it. I know I can. I just have to remember that positive self-talk.

Update

I don't have much to update. I start work Monday, which I am really looking forward to. However, that means summer will be over before I know it, and I am certainly not ready to finish my final incomplete. I'm so frustrated by this class because I am expected to teach myself everything I missed from not being in class, and my brain just does not remember names, dates, and arabic words. It really is a nightmare. Reading from the book I'm supposed to do a report on nearly sent me into paralysis. I just keep trying to remind myself that the other incompletes were hard to finish too, and somehow, I pulled those off. Never have I been this scared that failing is possible, but I have to try to pass with everything I have. The problem is, I've been making this class my life. If I fail, I have to remember that life goes on, and I will recover from it. I have this "end-of-the-world" mindset that failing is like death, and that's so not true. I'm just going to do my best, but not let it affect my health.

I haven't skateboarded since Laura moved away. I just don't have the desire. Skating alone isn't nearly as fun. Not to mention, it's been hot and I've had trouble getting motivated to do anything.

I see a new therapist on Monday. I'm a little nervous, but I'm going to try really hard to make progress instead of regressing. I guess, that's all I have to say for now. Oh and in less than one week, I get to visit Laura in NC where I will get to go hang gliding and dolphin watching. It's like my dream come true.

Some Summer

I've experienced a taste of summer. I went tubing down the river with my friends at school; I've been skateboarding a lot, and I am now living back at my parents'. I'm feeling restless. Partially because I don't have anything I NEED to do, but I have a lot of stuff I SHOULD be doing. That's a horrible combination. I just keep procrastinating and feeling guilty about not getting any work done. I have been working out though. I'm more out of shape than I've ever been. It's hard mentally--to adjust to my new limitations. It's like having a new disability. You want to be able to function like you used to, but it's just not possible for me to go out and jog a couple miles like it's nothing anymore. I'm hoping to lose the weight my medicine made me gain last year. I don't take that medication anymore, so I hope losing the weight won't be impossible.

My best friend, Laura, moved away to North Carolina. Saying goodbye was so heartbreaking, although, I will say my last month with her was wonderful. We did a great job at taking advantage of whatever time we had left together. Also, I bought a plane ticket to go see her over the fourth of July weekend. I can't wait to see her and be able to do fun things at the ocean. We should be able to go hang gliding and dolphin watching. How exciting! It's nice to have something to look forward to. It made saying goodbye easier, too. I bought the plane ticket the day before she left so that I could know I would see her again soon. I'm used to her living three blocks away and seeing her every day. This being far away will take some getting used to.

I haven't wanted to blog because I'm feeling distant. My therapist pointed out that I am a very guarded person. I don't mean to be that way. I don't know why I'm that way, but it's true. I don't let many people get to know me well. I'm difficult to get to know. That's really all I have to say about that right now. I'll try to blog more. It's hard to blog when I'm doing next to nothing every day.