Calling all Girls!

Before I get to my real reason behind this post, I would like to anounce I have quit work. I left on good terms, my boss was extremely nice and understanding. He didn't get mad at all. I am so thankful it all worked out. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I don't know what I will do with all of my free time, but to be honest with cross country I don't have as much free time as I thought I would. I have been having a nice week. It has had its up and downs but it has all worked out for the best. Enough of my normal life though... onto the real reason!

I am hoping to do a project for independent similiar to that book I was raving about, Ophelia Speaks. I thought the different voices were so amazing from adolescent girls. It was so real and deep. I have been ecouraged to do a similiar thing, but I am making a twist on it. I am hoping to make an e-anthology with different pieces of writing from young girls on "coming of age." This can be anything from a story about a spiritual story, a break-up or boyfriend story, feelings witnessing something dramatic, friends, family.... anything at all that shaped you as a person at some point in your journey to adulthood. It can be for all ages of girls as long as it involves "coming of age" or something that effected your coming of age. I am going to have an anonomous folder in ms. eddy's room for those who attend the high school and wish to be left unnamed. Those who are in college... Rhiannon, Ashley, and anyone who stumble upon this. I would love it if you would help contribute to my project. You can email them to me at my e-mail. It should be listed as a link, but I have never done this link thing before. If there is a problem let me know. I know everyone is probably to busy to write for me, but it can be an old piece or anything you think is important. I am hoping to get a good collection going and not just a couple of pieces. I plan to write up a letter one day soon to pass out to girls at school. Thanks for taking the time to read this... I really look forward to reading pieces people will generously allow me to use in my e-anthology. I will list you as the author unless you wish to go unnamed. Write on!

Good Times

This week has actually been pretty fun. I never used to talk about a school week being fun, because it was always the same. Practice, food, homework until the early morning hours. It was hard to enjoy myself in that kind of lifestyle. I am still busy, but I am actually doing things I love. Homework only takes up an hour or so before bed. I like it a lot. I went to Saline with my friend Kristin on Monday. We had to pick up our cross country shirts, that our former Arsenal coach made for us. It was great to see my coach again. He has always acted as a surrogate father to me and my teammates. It was sad to reminisce about all of our good times and hear about how the team is doing without us. Everything is the same as it always was on Arsenal, Kristin and I are just no longer apart of it. I have some great memories from Arsenal, but I do not regret leaving. I love Cross COuntry and I would not be able to do half of what I am doing now if I still had to drive to Ann Arbor daily.

I am having a blast with all of my senior friends. I now make it more of a priority to hang out with them, even if I am tired. I try to enjoy every day, even when I am counting down the hours until school is out. Cross Country is going well. I have gained a lot more confidence than I would have playing soccer. I would almost go as far to say soccer even takes away some of my confidence. I have been making it a priority to stay in touch with my family. I have the Lisa Loeb concert to look forward too on October 11th. I haven't been to a concert in so long and never on a school night. I finally made an acceptable bowl on the potters wheel today after over a week of screwing up. Also I am on homecoming court with some of my closest friends. We will get the day off to dress up and ride in a convertible in the parade. Plus my family will all come to that. I am excited. It should be a blast.

Work is still not my thing. I dread every day going in, but I can't complain too much. I don't get scheduled much (Which is good!) and I still get some spending cash every now and then. This year is a complete 180 from last year. I am enjoying every minute of it. Yes, I still have bad days from time to time. I have just learned how to pay attention to what's important... family, friends, happiness, and my health. I seemed to neglect all of that last fall. Thanks to my friends and family out there for helping this year be so much better than this year. I feel happy and fortunate. I can't fight the urge to say "good times... good times!" like my favority Saturday Nighlive radio D.J.'s.

Take this Quiz

http://quizilla.com/users/Seira.Relur/quizzes/.%20:%20:%20Which%20Astrological%20Planet%20are%20You? : : . [10 Gorgeous Pics!]/


.:Neptune:.
"You are a very passionate person, however,
this passion often remains hidden below the
surface. You have a great deal of compassion
for others and are always willing to help those
in need. You have a great generosity, sometimes
so great that you neglect yourself while giving
to others. You also have a stubborn side,
though, which serves to protect you from being
taken advantage of by those you help."

. : : Which Astrological Planet are You? : : . [10 Gorgeous Pics!]
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I do love weekends

Yesterday I arrived at the highschool at 6:45 in the morning for our away meet up by Detroit. It was very intimidating. There were so many teams and runners there. We had to lace this computer chip into our shoes. It would keep our time and when we crossed the finish line it beeped. We also had to wear those numbers that pin on to our jerseys like the marathon runners wear. I felt so out of place, since I am a first year runner. It ended up being a lot of fun. Varsity girls got to go first. I ended up getting my best time again. I can't believe how much I am improving. I was glad we went first, because then the rest of the day we spent there I didn't have to worry about running. The girls and I all pigged out on junk food and cheered for the boys.

When I got home I found out I didn't have to work because it wasn't busy at all. I was so happy, because then I was able to call Kristin, Sarah, and Cristina (all cross country girls) we all ended up just hanging out and being goofy the rest of the night. It was a really good time, but we were all about to fall asleep by 11:30. It was a very long tiring day for us. The weekend is gone now and I feel like I have a ton to do today. I think I need to make a to do list, becuase I feel overwhelmed and I am unsure of where to start with everything I need to do. I have barely touched my college essays in 2 weeks. I need to work more on them today. I have to do the usual Sunday homework and fill out a bunch of stuff for National Honors Society and the counseling office. I have to go to Saline today or tomorrow to get our cross country shirts from my coach from Arsenal. I also have to stop by the nursing home. There's a ton of laundry calling my name as well. I have to fgure out how I want to accomplish all that. I also want to get in the hottub, but that is obviously not a priority. It would help make me feel more relaxed though. Oh well, tomorrow will come whether I am ready or not. I will jsut do what I can and take it one day at a time... that's my usual weekly trip. Then I save it all for the weekend and do the same thing all over again. Everything is good though. I do love weekends.

So tired

I stayed up sorting out everything last night. I am now drama free. I feel better emotionally, but I am physically exhausted. I ran my best tonight, despite the 90 degree heat. I wanted to pass out at the finish line, but my time was better than it has been. I was seriously setting myself up for fainting at the line. I kept telling myself "Just keep running. You can pass out at the line. You won't even know what's going on and it will be all over!" I also try to sing songs in my head to distract me. I usually sing some upbeat song, but today I kept singing "La Bamba" it was making me laugh, because who sings that when they run?

I have to go to bed early tonight. I am so worn out. I have been trying to go to bed early every night, but for some reason I have been staying up late. Oh on a positive note I am in the top 15 for homecoming court. The top seven will get to be on court. I know that stuff is lame, but I can't help but taking it as a personal compliment. I appreciate being in the top 15. I figure it is best not to count on anything, plus if I don't get on it 3 other cross country girls are in the top 15 as well as my best friend. I figure I will love at least one person in the final seven. It's all good. I am happy people voted for me, I hope it was for genuine reasons and not just because they didn't have a seventh nominee haha. Oh well, a vote is a vote and I am thankful. I don't mean to sound all "drama queenish" on you, but I can't lie that I am appreciative of being a nominee for the court.

I am going to go write a response to E.T. origin. Should be cool, but I want to hurry because I am way tired. I will write some more stuff in my notebook before bed, so I promise I am not slackin on the three pages, ms. eddy (tonight anyways).

What's my problem?

What is my deal? I am very confused. I had my first date in almost 3 years on Saturday. I didn't blog about it, because it was a secret. A friend of mine who reads my blogs (Maybe I should say USED to read them) has been interested in me for a long time now. I have always said I was not interested in a relationship before college. It was not a lie, I really believed that. I met a friend of his and I realized I was interested in his friend. His friend asked me for a date... I agreed. It is nothing personal against the other guy, but I didn't want to play around with our friendship (mainly because Iam so indecisive).

The date went pretty well. The guy was very sweet. He is a singer in a band and really easy to talk to. He tried to be all romantic. We danced in the parking garage, which is by FAR the geekiest thing I have ever done. He did and said everything right, but when I got home I was like "wow I don't think I like him anymore". I have come to the conclusion that I thought I wanted a relationship, but I do not. I just worry that I am being to picky. All of my friends get furious with my excuses for why I do not like certain guys. I guess I just haven't met anyone that makes me all nervous and excited like my old boyfriend used to. I am not saying that my old boyfriend was that special or anything, I just was naive enough to fall hard for him. I find it hard to fall for people that I don't want to take the risk on. I figure if they are special enough I will gladly take the risk.

Now I have screwed everything up. I explained my indecisiveness to my date... This was the day after our date. He was nice, but confused. He wants to know more about it, but I can't bring myself to talk to him about it. I need more time to think. I don't want to date him just because I feel bad for leading him on. I thought I liked him. At the same time my other friends think I am just so set on being single that I am not giving him a fair chance. I went on a fricken date with the kid... I told him I liked him and we acted like a couple for the night (take that however you want). What more do I need to do to give him a chance? Also he told our friend Austin that we went on a date. Austin has now deleted all of the comments he had left me on my blog and disbanned his blog. He avoided me all day at school. He has not even let me explain my side of the story. I did not lie to him. I told him exactly how I felt. Plus I am not his property I do not owe him anything. (Or this is what I have been told, although I still feel like I did something wrong). I have been very nice to him. I feel bad that he is so hurt by me going out once with his friend, but I can't live my life according to what everyone else wants. Plus everyone else wanted me to go on a damn date. My brother said to me "I was beginning to wonder if you liked girls" Yes it has been that long since I have had a date that people think I am gay. I definately deserved a date, even if it wasn't a person I was interested in a relationship with. I am allowed to have a little fun sometimes. It seems like no on else can understand that... Maybe I am the one that can't understand it. I always feel so damn bad about everything. This whole giving the date a chance thing wasn't even me, it was all of my friends saying I needed to forget about hurting people's feelings and just go on a fricken date. I did it. It was overrated. I like the guy he's great. I mean who doesn't like singers in bands? I just don't think I am interested in him in that way.

I am going to tell him we can still hang out, but only as friends. I don't want to just let him down cold. Plus I guess I havent' given him a big enough chance yet. I don't know what the heck my problem is, but I can't seem to know what I want.

Death

I had a sad day at the nursing home today. I have gotten used to seeing/hearing about death weekly from the ladies at the nursing home. I have had multiple heartbreaking visits, but I think today has been one of the worst. Probably because it was more than one person upset for different things relating to death. My first visit seemed normal enough, of course she is lonely and misses her family but she was not down like I had seen her before. I really could relate to her when she said she just wanted a couple hours to herself. Not aiming it at me, she loves having someone to talk to. She meant mostly at night time. She was saying how she cannot get away from people, yet she can be so lonely. There is always someone there. Having no privacy can get old fast. She has been there for years, that makes it hard. She said she used to like to stay up really late and watch the snow fall out of the windows in the TV room at like midnight. No one would be in there then. I feel so awful that she can't ever have total peace and quiet.

The other lady I visit was fine. She is 96, so she has a ton of pains and she can't walk, but she was as fine as she ever is. Her roommate on the other hand was awful. She is suffering from dizzy spells. She sat up and I heard her crying. I had to cut off the 96 year old lady to make sure her roommate was okay. She couldn't even sit up. I told her to lie back down and rest, but she said she was so sick of that. She was so dizzy she ended up lying down. Her phone rang and as she answered it the whole base, (It has a chord.) fell onto the floor. I had to pick it up for her. She tried to tell me thanks, but she was crying so hard she could barely get the words out. She was so pale. Then a bunch of ministers came in and said a prayer over her. It was very loud and almost scary as these large men all shouted different prayers over her at the same time. All the while she was curled up in her bed bawling. I heard her crying to the minister that she had to miss church service at the nursing home that day. They told her it was fine because she was sick, but she just kept crying. I felt so terrible. She calmed down after they left and was calm enough to explain her dizziness, but I wished there was more I could have done.

I felt plenty sad after witnessing such a sad, sick lady cry helplessly. It only got worse as I went into the room of my great great Aunts. She is only in there for a while to recover from heart surgery, but she is having a very hard time coping with the environment of a nursing home. I feel awful, because I have never been close to her. She is always at family reunions, weddings, funerals, etc... but I never took much time to talk to her much. I was always occupied with cousins and grandparents. I talked to her today and she told me how the lady in the bed next to her died at 10am on Tuesday and she was not removed until 3 or 4 pm. My Aunt stayed out of her room all day. She says she feels very claustrophobic, because she is either surrounded by strangers or in a bed surrounded by white hospital curtains. She was crying as I talked to her. I have never been close to her, but I felt myself wanting to cry as I saw my own family member so lonely and sad in a nursing home. That's not supposed to happen to my OWN family members. I don't remember ever giving my Aunt a hug, but as I left I gave her a hug and couldn't help telling her I love her. I didn't even have to think about it. I just said it. I knew it was true. She spoke so highly of my dad. It made me so proud to see that she was proud of him. Our family is far from perfect, but things like this make me realize how hard everyone is trying. I might have looked down on my relatives for all of the pregnant teens, alcoholism , smoking in front of kids with breathing problems, and other reckless behavior... but we are all trying. When it comes down to it we all love each other and take care of the people we care about.

Ophelia Speaks

Things are out of control this week in school. Cross country is not going as well. I am getting slower for some reason. Work is stressing me, because the schedule was never officially done, so I don't know if I have to work tonight. It is finally Friday though! I am thankful for that. I spent last night trying to piece together a reading response out of nothing. Thanks to my brother and then some help from Caitlin in second hour, I have a reading response done. The quality of it, I am unsure of. I tried and I have something. Something is better than nothing. This weekend I plan to do more college essays.

I am reading this amazing book, Ophelia Speaks by Sara Shandler. You probably have heard of it. It was done by this girl when she was 17. She had this ingenious idea to collect poems, stories, and letters from adolescent girls around the country. She began putting them together and narrating her thoughts. It is so genuine. I am amazed that she was able tog et a publishing company interested, girls from all over to send her their writing, and publish the book by her early twenties. What a brilliant young woman. The book is actually rather depressing. It is girls writing about all of their struggles. It includes stories of attempted suicide, drugs, rape victims, dealing with depression, broken homes, eating disorders, and finding ones self. It is truly amazing to see all of the different girls' writing. Some of the things are so well-written even though you know the girl is crazy you begin to understand what they are thinking. I think this will inspire some of my writing on self. I plan to do as much as I can this weekend. I will be honest and say I did not do my three page requirement for Independent Study last night, but I will make up for it this weekend.

It was only a four day week, but I feel very overwhelmed. We have three meets next week, I worry what that will be like. I still don't know what to do about work, it seems to be taking over my life although I really don't work much. I am excited for the weekend. I hope I do not have to work tonight so I can go home and sleep. That is all I am thinking about right now... ah I miss my bed.

Complication

Everything is going well. I am happy overall. I mean I have my good and bad days, but this a completely different environment than last year. Last year at this time everything seemed awful. I felt so pessimistic about everything and one year later, I am completely back to my optimistic self. I am still sick, but it is getting better. I don't have to work tonight, but work is getting better too. Even with everything going so well, I can't help but feel frustrated with how complicated everything seems to be. I guess, all of the complication makes everything more enjoyable when it works out, but I can't help but desire a freebee from time to time. I am always trying to make everyone else happy and now worrying about what I want. Sometimes I feel like I just want to do what I want to do. I want to say I don't care about everyone else, but when it comes down to it, I will make the decision to please everyone. I guess you could say I am "all talk to myself" and no action. It is hard to make the right choice when either you lose or someone else does. Either way I will be unhappy, because I don't like to see other people lose either. I wish everyone could win sometimes. I am competitive as hell, but I really didn't mind YMCA soccer days when everyone wins! We would argue over who won, but then the coach would be like "Everyone won, because it was a tie!" and the little kids all scream and holler. God, that was perfect.

The week is flying since I had Monday off. Work tomorrow, meet Thursday and Boom! it's fricken Friday! I am not complaing though. I think it's fantastic. I just hope the weekend doesn't fly by, but I am sure it will. Time slips away so fast it scares me. I don't feel like I ever get to fully grasp my life. I feel like it is good, but spinning out of control. At track today we ran a route that I did in the summer with just Drew. It was like deja vu because I was running next to Drew, it was super hot, and I was dead tired because I am sick. I was like "It feels like it should be summer with you and I running. It is so weird we have already had 4 or 5 meets and are in our 3rd week of school. Where did the summer go?"

Right now I am listening to the Wallflowers. I have really gotten into them lately. I always have loved their "One headlight" song, but I am obssessed with their "Closer to you" one. It's so beautiful. My friend also just got me listening to this band called Nickel's Creek. I only have one of their songs with this country singer. It is so pretty. It is called "Excuses" if anyone knows it let me know. I just can't get enough of this stuff.

She's Already Gone

She's trying to run away
to anywhere but here.
The girl is moving so fast and so far.
It's too late she's already gone.
She won't even look back to watch them-
watching her run away.
She's got it all figured out.
It is so terrible here.
She is sick of all the let downs.
They love her, but she won't let them.
They apologize,
but she won't forgive.
They wish she knew it's a constant battle
and that people are the same no matter where she runs to.
They try to tell her to slow down before life passes her by,
but she's invincible
and they are weak.
They cannot stop her.
They are weak.

Not What I Need

I just met him.
He is short with acne on his chin.
He has his checkered, punk shoes,
and blue eyes.
Blue eyes.

The flash from my camera blinds him,
while he wears my cowgirl hat.
He's a singer in a garage band.
He wears his pants too low.
I laugh at him and with him.
I laugh.

He is not my type,
but I am intrigued.
He asks me about my past.
I laugh “This is not what I need.”
This is not what I need.

I'm sick

Yeah, it's that time of year when the whole fricken school gets sick. I am just one of the few cross country girls who is suffering from a burning throat and drowing in flem... yuck! Minus feeling terrible, it hasn't kept me from having a great weekend. Friday was the big rival football game between my High School and Tecumseh Indians. The student section from my school decided to dress up like cowboys to add to the show down. I received multiple compliments on my cute cowgirl hat. I had fun dressing like a cowgirl because I think cowgirls are cute. Cowboys are even cuter! We ended up winning the game, no problem! It was great. I couldn't see very well, so I just walked around with some of my friends I don't get to hang out with much. I met this awesome guy from Onsted. He is a singer in my friend's band. He is so not my type, with his checkered punk rock shoes and beanie hat, but he was really fun to hang out with. I might have to go check him out sometime. Their band is performing at a local coffee shop in October. I will try to stop there.

I worked 5 hours yesterday and I did the counter all by myself. It wasn't busy, thank God, but we still had some crazy moments and I handled them alone. I then drove straight from work to my friend's house on Devil's Lake. The party started at 4, but I had to work until 7 so I was fashionably late. We swam at dusk and it was absolutely gorgeous! It was cold, but so much fun. I was having such a good time on the water trampoline with my friend Emily, that I had scraped my knee and it was bleeding down my leg, but I didn't even know. After swimming we went to have a bonfire at my friend's boyfriends house. It was so much fun. It was perfect. It was chilly, but hot by the fire. It was crystal clear and the stars looked fabulous. We were all dancing to the club music they play on the radio on Saturday nights. It was a blast. Although all of the screaming and talking did not help my sore throat at all.

I had practice Friday and Saturday morning, but I have today and tomorrow off! I am excited, since I am sick and all. I have been doing some writing this weekend and I plan to do more. If I write anything worth posting I will.

A Heaven Out of Hell

As I mentioned before I am reading Paradise Lost for Lit Comp. We did a reading response on it. A friend of mine wrote on making the best out of bad situations. I was really intrigued by that. Last night I had a ton of homework after our meet. I missed class when they were discussing the book. I am also missing the quiz in class today, but I still have to take the quiz today. My friends were all stressed about it as well. Several X-country girls went to Cristina's for some fantastic Mexican food. Then we had a little study session. It was a blast. I ended up having a fairly good night, but I have a feeling I won't do so hot on the quiz. I did mybest though, and I made a good night out of one that had the capability of being a bad one. We have another X/country meet today. I am still very sore from the meet yesterday. I am nervous as usual. This 4 day weekend I am planning to get some quality writing going. I want to work more on my story that has grown to 21 pages. I will be posting more things this weekend. I really don't have much to say. I am just bored in keyboarding class, because I am all done. I do n't have any e-mail either. I still have 20 minutes...wow this post didn't take very long.