Bird by Bird

As Anne Lamott says, I'm taking it Bird by Bird. She talks about her brother doing this crazy overwhelming Bird Project when they were younger. Her brother was freaking out and their dad said, "Just take it bird by bird." I thought I'd be up all night doing this long paper, but I am at a stopping point where I only need to type 400 more words. That's nothing compared to what I've already typed. I am stuck, which is a problem, but even if I don't make it to the desired word count, I am at a place where I won't fail this paper. It's a huge paper, and it's worth a lot. I am so overwhelmed that I can't realistically shoot for success. I just need to get by, so I'm taking it bird by bird. Paper by paper, book by book, exam by exam, incomplete by incomplete. It makes me feel like I can't breathe if I think about all of that, so I don't. I think about it day by day.

It's hard to have much insight or passion when I'm so worn out. I apologize for not staying in touch with everyone like I would like to, but I am thankful for all of your support.

I'm trying to be optimistic even though school is crapping all over me right now. I can't wait for summer.

Endurance

A few days ago, I chose not to do my homework. I went skateboarding instead. I was just feeling restless and burnt out, so I figured instead of staring at my homework and getting angry, I would do something healthy. I had a blast skateboarding alongside the river. I realized I'd even missed the muddy smell of the river. Water, especially rivers, can be so healing. The sound of the river running, mixed with the idea that the river is never the same. It's constantly changing.

Laura and I sat on some rocks on the side of the river. We sat in silence for a moment, and had the honor of witnessing a muskrat swim right in front of us. We were so quiet, it didn't even notice us. It was just leisurely swimming only a few feet in front of us. They are so cute, although their tails are kind of gross like a rat.

Not long after, I was boarding, but I stopped to wait for Laura. As I stood there, another muskrat was swimming leisurely. By the time I tried to show it to Laura, I had scared it away. They sure swim fast when they are scared. At that point, I figured the muskrat must be a symbol for something. I don't know how I feel about signs, but I know I'm not against them, so something so obvious as two muskrats being incredibly close to me could mean something. I e-mailed Jon to ask what the muskrat means. He said they mean endurance. Like a spiritual horoscope, I interpreted it several ways to fit into my life.

I was at the river because I was bogged down by school. I need endurance to push on through the rest of this semester. Also, Laura and I were talking about her moving away. I think our friendship will be fine, but maybe we needed a reminder that endurance can apply to a friendship as well.

As we boarded home, we passed three deer. They, surprisingly, were not scared away by our noisy skateboards. We stopped and enjoyed several moments of just staring at them. They stared back at us, waiting to see if we were a threat. Two joggers even ran past, but they didn't even notice the deer, and the deer were not afraid. It almost felt magical.

Well, I'm off to do my million pages of homework. Wish me luck :)

AWP Denver

I'm back from my long weekend in Denver at a writing conference. It was even better than I expected it to be. I realized I need to be writing--no matter what the situation--must be putting pen to paper. It's a part of me. I lose myself if I stop writing. I haven't been writing at all this semester. I'm going to work harder to make time for it.

I met so many of my favorite writers and poets. Plus, I went to some exciting, informative break-out sessions. I wish I could write more, but I have to do math homework so I can go to bed. I've been up since 2am Denver time. Yuck. Need sleep.