After a five day weekend, which was lovely, I have come to the realization that I have a ton of things I have left for myself to do today. Now I am feeling overwhelmed. I am in the process of doing laundry and I was cleaning off the dresser in my room, because I lost a card with a $50 check in it. I have been frantically searching for it off and on for at least a week. I am beginning to think that it is not going to show up. I need to do scholarships, begin my paper for lit comp, and laundry up to my neck. I also had wanted to go to lunch with my grandma and spend a couple hours at the nursing home. I don't know how this is all going to work out.
Friday I had another cat scan. This time of just my sinuses. I am getting anxious to know the results of that, but I have no idea when I will know what is wrong. They told me if the problem is my sinuses, that it will be an easy fix. If it is not, then there will be more tests and it will get a little more tricky. I hope it is just sinus blockage or something along that line.
I am feeling overwhelmed with my college decision. I don't know what I want anymore and U-M still has not made a decision on me. I don't seem to know what is best for me anymore. I guess, it's just a hope for the best sort of thing. I am working on being more independent. I think college will help me be more idependent. I need to do tons of scholarships none the less.
My birthday is coming up, and I am so busy that weekend with Student Senate, because it is winterfest. I am trying to make plans the weekend before and after, but I am feeling stressed with all of these miscellaneous plans for the next 3-4 weeks. After those weeks are over, soccer will be starting. I am so not ready for soccer to start with all of my breathing problems and all of that. I don't know what I'm going to do. I am going to be terrible. Speaking of breathing problems, last night I went to this blues bar/restaurant to see a band. By the end of the night, my lungs were on fire and I was coughing up a storm. I have never been that bothered by smoke. It has to be all of my new, weird, health problems.
Well, I should get back to stressing and trying to accomplish things.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Velma
I've been putting this off for too long, but it needs to be done. I need to remember your face forever. I don't want to forget your blue eyes. They were big and sometimes red. I am already doubting my memory; were they blue? I wish I had a picture of you, or at least a chance to say goodbye. I want to describe every line on your face perfectly. I would always trace them in my head while you were sleeping. When you would gasp for air, my heart would stop. I would gently rub your left arm to let you know I was there, because you were alone far too often. You would talk in your sleep and I would listen intently. I would make sure to memorize every line I could make out, while trying to make sense of what you said.
"Grandpa and Grandma," you called out. "If you have to live there, then you will."
My imagination ran wild as it imagined what this conversation between your grandparents from Germany could be about. Your face scrunched up in agony. I reached for your hand nervously, and you grabbed it. I wondered whose hand you were holding in your sleep, because I knew better than to think it was mine.
My thoughts were swirling frantically. I admit that I thought you were dying. I secretly wished you would, so you wouldn't have to die alone. God, I don't want to die alone. I selfishly wanted you to live, even though you had been wishing for death. I was also afraid for you to die with me there, because I have been fortunately sheltered from death in my short life. I wouldn't know how to handle it, because I am not that strong.
Over an hour passed of me sitting silently with you. I wanted to kiss your wrinkled face, but the metal bar on the hospital bed stood in the way. I settled for squeezing your hand. You opened our eyes and smiled. I said my goodbye with a smile, but while holding back tears. I thought it would be my last goodbye, so I said all the right things.
I saw you again the next week. I walked in relieved and asked "How are you feeling?"
"Better now that you are here" you said making my heart melt.
As we talked, I realized that I loved you as my own grandmother. I said my goodbyes for the week. It wasn't a perfect goodbye, because you were doing much better. I was upset, because you said you wanted to die. I tried to hide my frustration from you. I didn't think you would die, but you did. The very next day, from what I am told. Too bad that no one told me until the next week, because "I was not your family." Who was your family? You were the last living member of your family. Who went to your funeral? I wish I could have gone. No one else understood our friendship. We had an age difference of eighty years. They gave me no pictures of you, no explanation of how it happened or where to find you now. They just handed me the alarm clock that I had given you.
"Do you want this back?" a nursing home worker asked.
"I guess," I shrugged. I felt no emotion. I took the black alarm clock and walked out the heavy doors to the nursing home. I didn't bother to catch them behind me. I let them slam, the same way they slammed the door on our friendship. I have no closure, just a quilt square that you gave me, and memories. I learned from you that memories can not be trusted. They fade and become cloudy. When you told me this, I wanted to kiss you, but that metal bar was still between us. Now I will never get to kiss you, because there are worlds between us. I guess it's always something, but I wish there was just a tiny bar between us again.
"Grandpa and Grandma," you called out. "If you have to live there, then you will."
My imagination ran wild as it imagined what this conversation between your grandparents from Germany could be about. Your face scrunched up in agony. I reached for your hand nervously, and you grabbed it. I wondered whose hand you were holding in your sleep, because I knew better than to think it was mine.
My thoughts were swirling frantically. I admit that I thought you were dying. I secretly wished you would, so you wouldn't have to die alone. God, I don't want to die alone. I selfishly wanted you to live, even though you had been wishing for death. I was also afraid for you to die with me there, because I have been fortunately sheltered from death in my short life. I wouldn't know how to handle it, because I am not that strong.
Over an hour passed of me sitting silently with you. I wanted to kiss your wrinkled face, but the metal bar on the hospital bed stood in the way. I settled for squeezing your hand. You opened our eyes and smiled. I said my goodbye with a smile, but while holding back tears. I thought it would be my last goodbye, so I said all the right things.
I saw you again the next week. I walked in relieved and asked "How are you feeling?"
"Better now that you are here" you said making my heart melt.
As we talked, I realized that I loved you as my own grandmother. I said my goodbyes for the week. It wasn't a perfect goodbye, because you were doing much better. I was upset, because you said you wanted to die. I tried to hide my frustration from you. I didn't think you would die, but you did. The very next day, from what I am told. Too bad that no one told me until the next week, because "I was not your family." Who was your family? You were the last living member of your family. Who went to your funeral? I wish I could have gone. No one else understood our friendship. We had an age difference of eighty years. They gave me no pictures of you, no explanation of how it happened or where to find you now. They just handed me the alarm clock that I had given you.
"Do you want this back?" a nursing home worker asked.
"I guess," I shrugged. I felt no emotion. I took the black alarm clock and walked out the heavy doors to the nursing home. I didn't bother to catch them behind me. I let them slam, the same way they slammed the door on our friendship. I have no closure, just a quilt square that you gave me, and memories. I learned from you that memories can not be trusted. They fade and become cloudy. When you told me this, I wanted to kiss you, but that metal bar was still between us. Now I will never get to kiss you, because there are worlds between us. I guess it's always something, but I wish there was just a tiny bar between us again.
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