Falling off the balance beam

I blog a lot about balance. I talk a lot about balance. I believe a lot in balance. Why can't I practice it? I'm not trying to pass off responsibility for my inability to maintain a balanced lifestyle, but I'm beginning to believe that our culture doesn't encourage it. I made my friend Kristin a bracelet before she left for Spain. It's a nice hippie-like bracelet with light colored, tie-dyed beads with a charm that says, "Balance," with some sort of symbol on it. I made myself one too, because 1) I love bracelets 2) I thought it would help me feel closer to Kristin when she is so far away, and 3) I thought it would serve as a nice daily reminder to maintain balance. After surviving my first week of classes and work and making it through welcome week, I realized no matter how hard I struggle for balance, I'm always  a little off. 

I've stopped running. I went to three parties during welcome week. I am not yet on a normal sleeping or eating schedule. I haven't had a lot of time to write.

Now, those are all reasons I believe I am failing, but after talking with my dad on the way to pick up Adam, he reminded me that I'm doing pretty good when it comes to things like partying. I drink a lot of water when I party, I walk a lot at school, I eat okay. I think the college years are probably the most unbalanced ones ever. People pull all-nighters, binge drink, binge eat, and work themselves too hard. For example, I get teased if I want to go to bed early or stop drinking early (or not drink at all), but then I'm sure I reciprocate it to others, too. It's just a very "intense" (for lack of a better word) time period in our lives. No one knows where they'll be in five years or who they'll be with. It's a great time to appreciate and live in the moment, but horrible for any sense of security or balance. It's worth struggling for. I think I'll keep wearing my bracelet, and risk sounding like a hypocrite by talking about the importance of balance. I know it's important. I just can't always live it. 

Silence

The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention…. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.

RACHEL NAOMI REMEN

I talked about silence with Laura last night. She doesn't like silence. I understand why, because I know the discomfort silence can create in my entire body. Silence often makes me tense up. However, I sit in silence with my friend, Adam, a lot. Sometimes we hike without speaking, ride in the car and just listen to music, or even just sit in silence. When he and I are silent for too long, I start to get tense. I want to say something to break that silence, but I feel I can only break the silence if I have something important to say, which forces me to think about why I'm saying something. I think it is really good for me. I also find that I enjoy silence with the people I am closest to, and I think it is because it requires being comfortable with them.  I was reflecting on this earlier this morning and I thought about how it must be some evolutionary thing. Maybe we feel the urge to keep talking with people we don't entirely trust--so we can scope out their ideas in that moment. In the past if someone was communicating, the people they were with could make sure they were not angry and going to attack them. They could prepare how to handle that person, if they started communicating they were angry. That's not necessary anymore. We live in a civilized society, and most people will not randomly attack you, even if they are not trustworthy. I think it is natural due to our past nature to feel that discomfort in our entire bodies when we sit with people in silence. Sitting in silence with someone is so beautiful, because it's allowing them to be lost in their mind and in no way connected to you, yet you are connected by space. Last night I laid on the floor in silence with Beth and James in the dark for a few moments. It was funny, because Leslie came in, and was like, "What are you guys doing?" James answered, "Lying here." 

Kristin once referred to that comfortable silence with others as "pure" silence. I like that. I think there is pure silence, which can only be shared with people we love, but I am working on being mindful of silence with other people, too. I can think of this boy who used to call me in High School. I used to never want to talk to him, because he was so "awkward" on the phone. There were all of these silences where he would just wait for me to say something. I would feel so uncomfortable, but it was because I was not comfortable with myself. Silence is giving me a new opportunity to evaluate myself and appreciate the progress I have made over the past few years.

I talk a lot. I think that's okay sometimes, because I listen a lot too. Most of my friends, also, talk a lot and I like that. It keeps things flowing easily and helps us to get to know each other better. I should probably work to be less giddy and talkative, but I really don't care to at this point in my life. I think being less giddy comes with maturity, and I'm still only 20. I also think maturity is accepting where I am at, and not feeling the urge to act older than I am. There are a few rare people in my life who are older than me, yet I never feel the urge to act older than I am around them. I find that I act most immature when I am trying to be mature, anyway, but I am thankful for those few people who have accepted and loved me where I am and allowed me to mature on my own time.

Slow Internet Makes Blogging Difficult

I'm moved into my new apartment. I really like it. I should take pictures and post them at some point. It has high ceilings, which makes everything feel more spacious than it really is. I've even had room to play hackie sac in the living room when no one is around. Leslie brought one of those things I can plug my ipod into and listen to it like a stereo for our kitchen. It's a blast listening to my music while I practice hackie sac. It feels good to be up here. This is the smoothest transition yet, although, I'm aware classes haven't actually started. I haven't felt lonely or down yet. It's nice to have Leslie and Beth up here too. We all played board games and went to ice cream tonight with my friend, Laura, and her roommate, Elizabeth. We are all pretty competitive so we get into some intense games that usually involve a lot of inappropriate language and sore winning and losing.

I haven't had much time to be insightful and really write or reflect on things. I expected I would do that when I had those few days alone. Instead I hung out with friends and unpacked a lot.

I'm actually looking forward to classes starting, but not so much that I'm not enjoying my time up here with no homework. Tomorrow night we are talking about tubing down the river. I'm looking forward to that a great deal. It feels great to be content with where I am at right now and settled in.

And I Don't Want to Sleep

I'm not as anxious about moving as I've been in the past, but it's still incredibly stressful. It's still to the point where I stay up late and don't want to go to bed, because I can't handle even the few minutes of lying awake in bed with racing thoughts. I'm doing much better at slowing them down, but it takes me a while of staying up to do it. Today my friend, Adam, listened to one of my latest philosophies for life. He told me it made his "heart smile," because I've grown so much since the nights when he stayed up with me in New Orleans (back when I had lost my mind and couldn't ever sleep). Hearing that gave me a lot of positive energy to keep going. Sometimes I fall backward, and can't see the progress I've made. I forget that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I'm not the same person I was two years ago. I'm not going to passively let myself spiral down into Hell again.

My latest philosophy of life came to me while working on my fictional story. I wrote this as the Dad character when someone in my writing group said, "That's really insightful. Can I use that for my character?" Then I thought, "Why am I not applying this thought to my life?" I guess, it really is easier to preach ten sermons than to live one.

This character's outlook on life is that it is a relationship. Sometimes you forget why you are with the person, and think of any way possible to leave them, then there are those rare moments where you remember why you are head over heels, and you can't imagine ever leaving their side. Then...there's mostly those in between moments where you're just coasting with give and take going on. Life is real love. I think I can learn to love life and still have days where I hate it and want to leave. I just have to remember that loving relationships aren't all rainbows and unicorns. They take effort. I need to put more effort into different aspects of life. Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to realize that. It helps me find balance. All in all, at the end of the day, I find that balance seems to be the key to all happiness. Balance isn't my strength, but it's worth working on.

Young and Restless

I find myself restless while trying to be present in the moment, which is next to impossible. I feel like I’m stuck between two places. The week I move is always like that. I’m fitting in goodbyes to people I haven’t seen much all summer, feeling anxious about forgetting something or someone--fearing I might no longer belonging at school. I will be much happier when I get into my routine up there; I'm looking forward to seeing friends that I haven't seen since school, too.

I recently find myself questioning myself mercilessly, looking for answers I'm unable see. I’m no longer taking my medication. I’m okay with that thus far, but the idea of falling back into depression terrifies me, so I will try to monitor my symptoms closely. I cannot risk being that sick again. I have too many depressed people in my life who look to me for support. I have to stay in control of my situation. It will be hard when school starts, but I think it will result in more self-confidence, which I need. I think I've known what I need all along, but I've been afraid of being without this feeling I've known so long--afraid of losing my identity. This feeling is comfortable for me, because I know it so well. To conquer it is to step out of the comfort zone. I think I'm finally strong enough, though.

I’m doing better spiritually than I have been in years. I can’t put my experiences in boxes, but I’m finally content with my views on life, and I don’t feel angry or that uncomfortable being surrounded by religious people who sometimes try to force their views on me. I’m beginning to feel compassion for them instead of jealousy or resentment; I’m working on loving them where they are at. I don’t mean that in a fake saintly way, because I will benefit from practicing love for these people, and I hope that they will love and accept me where I am at too. That’s what is so great about love-- real altruistic love--everyone wins. It doesn't always work that way, but I am thankful when it does, and it helps reveal who my real friends are.

Loneliness

“Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.”

-Henry Rollins

The Sisterhood

I went to see "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2" last night with Alicia, Leslie, and Kristin. It was fun going in a group of close friends that I rarely get to see all at the same time. We kept teasing each other about which character we were. That may sound incredibly immature, and yes, we were in the theater with a lot of young girls. In fact, there was one moment where a bunch of the young girls were giggling and Alicia said, "Why did we have to see this on the first night it came out? We should have come the last day." We fit in there, though--with our giddy laughs at inappropriate moments, like one serious moment when the emotionally detached character (they claim is like me) was having a breakdown about her problems with relationships, and Leslie whispered, "Oh my gosh, Aimee, that is SOOO you." It's funny, because there are parts in all of the characters I relate to, I think that's why people love these movies--the characters-- but I found myself cheering especially for the emotionally challenged character who was supposed to me. It's a cheesy, happy, movie, but we all loved it. We kept joking that we were going to all go to Greece last night like they do in the movie, to have "The Pants" bring us all together again; because like the girls in the movie, we of course, have drifted apart. Although, I still feel a very strong connection with them at times--like last night. Other days, it can't be more clear to me that we have nothing in common sometimes. It makes me feel completely alone, but I love that we have drifted so far, yet can still have an intense friendship when the wind happens to carry us back toward each other. 

We ended our evening by calling each other the characters' names and planning our trip to Greece :) Saying goodbye to Leslie went something like, "Oh Bee, have fun with your new Grandma (The character's name is Bridgette, but they all call her B--which is funny because in middle school I called Leslie "My Bumble Bee"--but she finds her grandma in the movie). Leslie was like, "Tibby, I'm glad you fixed things with your video game playing boyfriend." That's right we are not 13--just pretty good at acting like it sometimes.

Free Time

Your true traveller finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty - his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure.

-Aldous Huxley