Thinking Positive

It has been brought to my attention my last several blogs have been pessimistic. It's easy to get stuck in that thought-process. Thanks to lisa, one of my writing teachers, I have been reminded what looking to others for guidance can do.

Today I am thinking of a young man from the hospital. He came into my room and gave me a cup of popcorn they had made in the kitchen--even though patients are not allowed in other patients rooms. It was a very kind gesture, because I was isolating myself in my room.

Every day, they had us set daily goals. His was always, "to stay thinking positive," which always made me laugh because it is so vague. They usually liked us to set goals that could be measured and achieved for confidence building. He was so upbeat about it. They'd say, "What's your goal for today?" He'd answer, "Just to keep it positive. I'm gonna stay positive."

I'm so overwhelmed with school work. I think that is what is contributing to my mood. I'm working hard though, and setting little goals. The weather is beautiful, and I feel free walking around coatless.

My goal for tomorrow is to be more positive. I'm just gonna stay positive :)

Voice

It's easy for me to feel down sometimes about how I do not know how to be assertive. I blame the culture for this. Young girls are not taught how to be assertive. They are taught to be nice, polite, and to put themselves second. Sexism still exists, but I am really thankful to have a voice. I am always surprised by the acquaintances that tell me they read my blog. How fortunate am I to have a place to be heard? I just watched a film and heard the director speak about the youth in Iran. They are much more progressive than I thought, but they still have websites blocked by the government. I can be as political as I want on here and no one is going to stop me. What a beautiful thing freedom of speech is. I'm not very patriotic, but I am thankful to be in the United States.

When I get writers block, it's usually because I am tired of my voice. I realize women writers are still discriminated against in academia, but my creative writing professors are both men, and they are very supportive of my voice. They make me feel like I can and should be heard.

I still lose my voice from fear, but I wanted to celebrate being heard today. Thanks for reading and valuing my voice.

Get out of the Groove

I saw my psychiatrist and psychologist today. And for that reason, it was quite a day. I feel distant. My therapist referred to this melancholy that I'm in as a groove in a record, where the needle gets stuck easier after being stuck once. So, I'm stuck. I'm stuck in the same groove I slide into so easily.

My doctor suggested I drop a class. He said he would write a note to help me get some of my money back, but I do not think that is a possibility. I can drop the class, lose the money, and feel lazy, or I can keep going but let the pressure kick me down like it has been. I'm tired all of the time. When I was talking about my incompletes with my therapist, I got really tired. She could tell, and said it seemed like my overwhelmed feeling shuts down my brain and makes me tired.

I guess, I will check it all out in the morning. If I can wake up before the class I'm dropping.

Something's Missing

I haven't been writing for fun at all this semester. I've had too many papers and lots of homework. At first, it felt nice to have no pressure on me to be creative, but creativity is in my soul. If I go too long without a creative outlet, I get restless--depressed even. I feel a void in my life from not writing. It takes practice, though, and now that I've been away from it for so long, it is hard for me. Even if I allow myself some time to write, I just write a few sentences and quit. I am missing creative writing classes, peer reviewers, and deadlines. Not writing is good for me to help find balance in my life, but it's also bad for my mental health. I begin to feel like my life is meaningless. Writing allows me to reflect visually. It helps me find meaning in the mundane. I miss all my writing teachers. There's something really powerful about the relationship I have with my writing mentors. I feel understood when I have a writing mentor I really connect with.

I'm having trouble keeping up with school and making up work from last Spring. I don't know how they expect me to remember stuff from last Spring. It's just bad for my self-esteem to have all of these tasks I feel I'm not qualified for. I think life will start looking up after this semester. After this semester, I will have the worst behind me. I will be on a normal schedule; I won't have any work to make up. I will have creative writing classes again, and I will be looking into grad schools. The whole grad school thing could either be a huge dream-come-true, or a slap in the face. I plan on applying to some pretty prestigious programs. My professors have all been very supportive of me, leading me to believe I can get into a good program. Dream big, right? I'll be sure to include some smaller, back-up schools in my plan too. It's good to aim big, but I don't want to be unprepared either.

Sleep All Day

I slept all day. I hate doing that. It leaves me feeling worthless, groggy, guilty, and just plain lazy. Now, I probably won't be able to sleep; although, I'm still tired...so maybe. I've been sleeping too much. I'm discouraged with a ten page paper I'm supposed to be working on about Zen Buddhism.

I feel contemplative this evening after watching "Precious." Unfortunately, not creative enough to put my thoughts into words. I haven't been writing much this semester. It's my first semester without a creative writing class in years. It's kind of nice to just totally step away from writing and focus on school. I mean, I miss it a lot, and maybe I'd be less stressed if I was writing. It's nice to be taking a break though.

This turned out to be pointless. I was hoping to take advantage of my creative/contemplative mood. Just not feeling language tonight.

Zen

I'm writing a ten page paper on my favorite book The Great Failure and Zen Buddhism. It is driving me mad, but has also inspired a lot of good thought. I had to reread The Great Failure for the third time, and it never ceases to amaze me. I feel like it should be required reading for everyone. The way it emphasizes truth over everything is astounding.

I've also been reflecting on the way the word Zen has entered our Western vocabulary and is misused. There's a tea flavored "Zen" sold at Starbucks where people are too busy to even drink the damn tea in the coffee shop. The cup has to be "to go" so they can multi-task.

I think I want to be a Zen buddhist. I don't have the support or teachers in this area, but I'm the sort of person who loves religion and wants rituals and sacred spaces to cling to. I think Zen could one day fill that void in my life.

Woman Writer

In my Canadian Literature class, we've done a lot of reading about women writers. The struggles women have had to endure just to have a voice. My professor is from Germany, and he talked about how he will have mediocre young men come tell him they are applying over seas to Oxford while young women who are exceptional don't intend to apply. Usually they don't think they are good enough to get in, or they figure if they did, it wouldn't work out anyway.

Although women writers have become more acceptable, they are still the minority in academic, high-class, well respected literature. Sure, there are a lot of pop women authors but their target audience is either young adults or other women (romance novels). Women are thought to be too emotional and sentimental to really dig into a story.

In Margaret Atwood's essay, "On Being a 'Woman Writer': Paradoxes and Dilemmas," she gives several great examples of discrimination. In one, she mentions how a hard-hitting novel by a man is realistic, and a hard-hitting novel by a woman is "gutsy" "hard" "mean." She also discusses the way we look at a successful female writer. We view her as exceptional and view them as asexual. She claims a woman writer is only called a woman writer until she becomes successful--then she is just a writer.

As a woman writer, I want to believe things are better than when Atwood published this essay in 1976. She is a successful woman writer, so I am thankful to have role-models like her or Joyce Carol Oates who both reflect on being both a woman and writer. It boils down to identity. As Atwood says, "Woman and writer are separate categories; but in any individual woman writer, they are inseparable."

I have to write a paper about women writers. I don't even know where to begin. Booo to midterm papers.