Flashback

I talked to lisa gay today, formerly known as ms. eddy. We had a long discussion about my future. She said that I need to do a lot more research on different careers that involve working with spirituality, ideas, and kids. She says that from what she has seen, I am most excited and most alive when I am talking about different ideas about spirituality, or things like volunteering, or my trips to S. Dakota, or my job at the migrant schools. She said I have a lot of thinking to do, but not to rush into Physical Therapy, just because I think it is a stable career. I think she is right, because I found an old notebook of mine today while I was packing. I found the poem that I just published on here in it. I also found a journal entry from the beginning of the summer, that I am going to include an excerpt of.

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"I've had this huge rush of confidence after working with kids more, even this early in the summer. I have received many compliments about my ability to talk to kids, and I have just been thinking 'Why am I not working with kids in my career?' Then reality hits me, and I think, 'What the hell would I do with kids, besides teaching, that I could make money at?' If I want to make a difference in kids lives, then why don't I just get a stable job and adopt a bunch or something? I don't know anything about what I really want to do. I just know that I want to make a difference. Mother Theresa and Dorothy Day didn't worry about having money for retirement, so why does that kind of thing stress me out? I promise that I am not comparing myself to them, but all I really need is air, food, water, and people. Money is just numbers that makes me forget about what is really important. Of course, I desire the stability that money provides, but it cannot make me happy. Plus all we ALL really fear is pain, whether it be physical or emotional. The fear of pain is worse than the actual pain, because I heard on my podcast that there are only three types of pain, which are all tolerable. There's moderate pain-which we can handle, constant pain-which we get used to, and extreme pain-which is short lived. I have all of this energy to 'save the world,' but I can't even find the energy to get up and take a shower in this moment. I guess it comes down to the fact that reality always wins...but when it does, do we automatically lose? I don't think we always have to."

I can remember the excitement I had when I wrote that entry, talking about kids, new ideas, and helping people. I am excited for my trip to S. Dakota. I leave tomorrow. I hope to be awakened again, because I have just been getting by and having a good time all summer. I haven't really been taking time to reflect like I should, and that is something that helps me appreciate life more. I need to get back to doing that, because otherwise I just feel numb.

It Once Was Potential

Give me a pen and paper.
I can change anything.
My potential to save, rests in the paper.
I think. I scribble. I write.
The Potential has vanished.
Now It's only words on paper.
It still tears.

Give me the tools.
I can fix anything.
My potential to save, rests in the tools.
I pound. I turn. I saw.
The potential has escaped.
Now it's only a bench that stood.
It's still standing.

Give me the sign.
I can believe anything.
My potential to save, rests in you.
I pray. I sing. I try.
The potential has disappeared.
Now it's only me.
I'm still broken.

Just Looking for Some Inspiration

I haven't blogged anything real for a while. I don't have anything in particular on my mind. I guess I will just go off on random tangents for the sake of blogging, not that I don't do that anyway. Thursday is my last day of work. I am going to miss it a lot, but the good news is I will get to sleep in and get paid for Friday. Tonight we had a staff dinner and it was really a great time. It is like nothing I have ever experienced, that is getting paid for doing something I enjoy.

I leave for South Dakota in a week. It doesn't seem possible that the trip should be that soon. When I come home from S Dakota, then April will be home from Boston too. I hope to get a couple of spiritual meetings in with her before I leave for school. That was our original plan, but we have kind of lost contact with first her cousin dying, then my grandma dying, then all of her class work on top of it...we have barely kep in touch. I have a lot of great discussion ideas and questions to explore so I hope we still have time to meet before I leave. Adam and I had some great spiritual discussion on Friday evening. I think it was one of our best ones yet. As for the rest of my spiritual life, I have not been going to church recently. I have been taking a break to just think. I needed to do something like that. I sometimes feel like everyone gets so caught up in labels of religion or lack there of, that sometimes I need to have moment where I ignore everything that normally comes to mind with my spiritual thoughts. I ignore all of the guilt, confusion, and any attempt at humility...in those moments I reevaluate things and I think they are benneficial for my spiritual growth...as self-centered as they may be. I think I need to just listen to my heart sometimes, not to sound cliche, and forget everything else. After I sort out things in my personal life, then I can get back to trying to have faith. I look at it, as if I am a mess...then I can't help anyone feel better either. I have to help myself before I can help anyone. I have just been working on my own happiness. I am doing okay at it too.

I have much more that I should blog about, but I am tired and I have no more desire to write. I guess, in this whole taking care of myself thing I am done.

Prayer

Prayer
by Elie Wiesel

I no longer ask you for either happiness or paradise; all I ask of You is to listen and let me be aware of Your listening.

I no longer ask You to resolve my questions, only to receive them and make them part of You.

I no longer ask You for either rest or wisdom, I only ask You not to close me to gratitude, be it of the most trivial kind, or to surprise and friendship. Love? Love is not Yours to give.

As for my enemies, I do not ask You to punish them or even to enlighten them; I only ask You not to lend them Your mask and Your powers. If You must relinquish one or the other, give them Your powers. But not Your countenance.

They are modest, my requests, and humble. I ask You what I might ask a stranger met by chance at twilight in a barren land.

I ask you, God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to enable me to pronounce these words without betraying the child that transmitted them to me: God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, enable me to forgive You and enable the child I once was to forgive me too.

I no longer ask You for the life of that child, nor even for his faith. I only beg You to listen to him and act in such a way that You and I can listen to him together.

Miss

I have done countless mock blog entries over the days, only to decide I didn't want to post any of them. Things have been crazy. Crazy in the sense, that my life seems to contradict itself daily. I couldn't think of a title, so all that was coming in to my head is the voice of the kids from my class that consistently call me "Miss" at all times. All day I hear "Miss" "but, Miss" and an occasional "Teacher" or "Maestra."

I have come to the conclusion that I plan to seek therapy when I get to college to work on my irrational panicking, guilt, and nervousness. They all seem to tie together, so I think with some work, I could fix things.

I watched the documentaries about the evil in religion with GrooveAdam. I was glad that I watched them, because I agree with most all of it. I did think that there was an arrogance about the narrators tone, and that he made too broad of generalizations about groups of religions. He did a great job of talking to a variety of religious leaders, but I still do not feel like he captured the positive aspects of faith accurately. That is understandable, considering his documentary was strictly on the negative aspects. I just feel that it is important to keep in mind, the fact that it is like any persuasive piece of art, it is the manipulation and rearrangement of facts to prove the creators point. It was well done and smart, but I just feel like I wasn't getting the full story. I also get that same type of feeling as I am reading my Jim Wallis book, "God's Politics." Jim Wallis is very smart and has some great facts, and I like the way he integrates faith and morality with politics. I also think he has that same type of necessary arrogance that Richard Dawkins has to persuade people. Faith is not something I can force people to understand or approve of, but I am still working on what works for me. I also think that there is a desire for spiritual connections in all human beings. That is why atheists desire affirmation from other atheists, that is why religions are formed, and that is why I have the desire to write and talk about faith with anyone and everyone, even when I feel like I have no faith. I think it comes down to being understood in the deepest sort of way possible. Religion offers different languages for people to be understood. I don't think it is a matter of if religion is right or wrong, but more of a way to express our deepest concerns while self-evaluating constantly. I think it is a way to stay humble. I agree that using religion to diminish others and rationalize poor political ideology is wrong. I also think that if atheism is the way that people feel they can best express their need for the deep connections and keep the peace, then it is just as noble as any faith. The trick about religion, atheism, or any other label is keeping compassion for the other group. Atheism is not "the only truth," as some may claim, just as Christianity, Islam, Judaism, or any other religions are not the only truth, despite what the fundamentalist claim. To be honest, I don't know how I feel about Religion. Some days I believe in God, and I like it. Other days, I don't believe in "THE God." Those days are okay too, because they force me to seek spiritual affirmation from people just the same. The only thing I do know, is that I like spirituality. I also think religion can be beautiful when treated with humility, compassion, and caution. I also know that religion can give a false sense of self-righteousness, so I guess it is probably a good thing that I have these spiritual contradictions, because it keeps me thinking and seeking spiritual connections on a daily basis. I think that is what spirituality is supposed to be...never being satisfied with your faults and always striving for moral perfection, but showing mercy to yourself when you really need it. I am working hard on this. It is much easier said than done.