The Gray Area

I just wrote a blog entry that seemed to pour my heart onto the page. I lost it because blogspot was acting up. It really frustrates me, because I feel like I articulated this state that I am so accurately for once. I don’t think I can recreate it, because it was so lengthy and thought out. It was kind of draining. I would like to bring up some of the things that I mentioned though.

I had my Religion class this morning. Sometimes we have days where we don’t have to take any notes, but we have great lectures that include things from outside of our book for class. Today we focused on Judaism after the Holocaust. We of course talked about Elie Wiesel, and I remember reading Night for English in 8th grade. Even at such a young age, I remember that book having a lasting impact on me. I was happy to analyze some excerpts from a religious perspective in class today. It kind of gave me a new appreciation for that prayer I posted on here a while back. I think I should repost it sometime soon, or you can find it under the title prayer on the side.

There was another man that had a similar experience to Elie Wiesel. He was also a teenager at the time, and lost his entire family in the Holocaust. He is not as well known, because he did not write about his experiences. He is famous because he was a witness at one of the biggest trials after the Holocaust. The man on trial was Hitler’s “right hand man” and he was in charge of the railroads and pretty much all of the concentration camps. When the victim went in there to testify he locked eyes with the Nazi, but then he began to tremble and passed out. The trial was postponed, and after the Nazi was charged and the trial was over, the media asked the victim why he had such an emotional response to giving this man eye contact. “Was it anger, or hatred?” they asked. The man responded that he had always thought of Nazi’s as monsters, not human. He said when he looked the Nazi man in the eyes; he realized he was only a man. The Nazi man was old and trembling. The victim said he then realized that they were both merely men, and that he could have easily been in his position and vice versa. The media thought this was very peculiar, and they could not understand this kind of comment from someone who had suffered so greatly at the fault of that particular Nazi man.

It made me realize that I love that type of compassion and humility that humans have the potential to have. I love the good in people, and I think that is why it takes over my thoughts and I obsess about finding the good in everyone. I think it is a mutually beneficial experience, because when I find the good in others it helps me find the good in myself. When both parties win, I find it hard to understand why others do not want to devote the time to it. I asked Eric last night, if he knew what he was getting in to by dating me. He is conservative, and has always seen things in a black and white perspective. I can already see him entering the gray area, and I told him that sometimes I wish I could go back to being in the black and white area. Now everything is gray for me, and it is frustrating and lonely, but I don’t think I would trade it for anything. I feel like I am acquiring this gift to see both sides and understand people from my life experiences and the amazing opinionated people in my life who see differently. The bad thing is that everything feels cloudy sometimes, and most people do not understand, which makes it feel lonely. The benefit is this love I feel for the good in people. It is a spiritual love that I cannot recreate in any one church or religion. I think I just love the idea of what religion can do at its best, but it scares me what it can do at its worse. I wish everyone could study Religion and realize that as humans we are all the same. We just have different experiences and different ways to express our similiar feelings. I warned Eric, that once he enters the gray area it is hard to go back to things being black and white, but I also told him that as frustrating as it is sometimes, I wouldn’t trade my perspective for anything. I can see Adam accuse me of my “fence-sitting” here, but I wish everyone could feel the absolute LOVE I feel for the good in people. It is really the only thing worth living for. I believe that people have God in them, and that may be all there is. I don’t know about some God in the sky, but even if God is only in people…that is a pretty beautiful concept. I like to mention to cliché songs at this point that kind of relate to what I am saying, “What if God Was One of Us,” by Joan Osborne. I think as overplayed as it is, it explores some great spiritual thoughts, such as “If God had a face, would you want to see? If seeing meant that you had to believe?” My answer is no, I wouldn’t want to see. That would take the humility out of faith. I also like the song by Vertical Horizon, “You’re a God,” because it is about seeing the God in someone, and I want to see God in everyone. Well, I don’t know that this entry does my original one justice, but it’s the best I can do at this point. I hope I have made some sense.