Drowning and Crashing

I have figured out the way my depression has been cycling. I first noticed the pattern while I was on Spring Break, because I noticed for the first time that I felt okay sometimes. I used to feel depressed all of the time, and it still feels like I am depressed most of the time. I have figured out that my depression cycles in over a 48 hour time span. I start feeling extremely low in the evening. Night is always the worst anyway. The thing about feeling exceptionally crappy the first night of the cycle is that it doesn’t go away in the morning. I wake up feeling almost as bad as the night before, but it gets progressively worse as the day progresses. I then usually have a positive mood swing later that evening. That lasts until the next evening when I feel worse again. It just repeats itself. I am going to ask about switching from Lexapro to Wellbutrin.

Today was such a nice day that I skipped working out and walked across campus to my favorite coffee shop where I wrote like a madwoman for quite some time. I ended up with seven pages over the span of one tea. That may not sound like a lot, but I wrote the seven pages by hand, which I rarely do anymore, so I have major writers cramp. It was great to observe everyone so enthusiastic and full of energy because of the weather. I did not feel as enthused as I normally would, but it helps to see others feeling happy and I did feel okay, because I was on an upswing day. I am now experiencing my usual evening downswing though. My mood crashes in the evening, and it is discouraging. Especially when I know I will probably not feel better in the morning.

I had an interesting experience with a priest on the trip talking to me about my sleeplessness. He suggested that I pray. When I told him I do not pray anymore, because I do not believe, he comforted me with a Bible story, which made me laugh. He was genuinely concerned about my emotional state of being and not Heaven and Hell though, so I respected what he said. The Bible story he told was also getting at that it is okay to question so he was supporting me. It just seems silly when I confess disbelief and people respond by assuring me they will pray for me. I do appreciate their concern and hope, but I feel like telling them that my god died and took my soul along with her. I am drowning in a hurricane of despair and no one is offering me a hand, because they are afraid of getting pulled down. They shout “I will pray for you,” from their safe rooftops, while my tiny house has been crushed and I am thrashing and gasping for air. No one dives in to save me, but instead they extend prayers. I think we all know how that worked for the people who got taken under by Katrina.

The seven pages I wrote at the coffee shop were mostly about disappointment from my new life perspective as a result of my depression. I can read people like I never have been able to. I can pick up on people’s vulnerability, shortcomings, and selfishness so quickly that it slaps me across the face whether I ask for it or not. This leaves me in a place with no role models or people to save me. My therapist keeps telling me that I have to stop trying to finding hope in other people and discover it in myself, but I have just as many flaws as everyone else, if not more…so what good is that? I want someone above me in every aspect to look up to and follow, but there is no one that I can find, because it turns out we are all just flawed humans. Speaking of therapy, I am very discouraged that my appointments are running out at the student service building and I have to look into a more permanent therapist. I think it could be good for me to go to a more experienced professional, but when I am feeling so low going through all of the effort of finding a new therapist and starting over seems unthinkable. I don’t have a choice unfortunately, and I hate the waiting process where I am just trying to get through everyday alone and everyone thinks I am fine, because I have no appointments until next week. I have to be fine until next week. It is draining though. I am so exhausted all of the time. I love sleeping more than I ever have before. I also love just lying down listening to music and looking at the ceiling. I don’t think my thought process is ever any more real than it is when I am lying down looking at the ceiling. I also have really started to enjoy looking at things upside down. It changes my perspective and shows how much I take for granted visually. It is amazing. I guess, I should go workout, since I know I am not about to do homework and I feel crappy. I skipped it earlier, so I might as well.