I don't like thinking about my past much, because it usually makes me angry. I put up with a lot of things I shouldn't have. I beat myself up over things and people not worth it; I never fought with my parents, argued with unfair teachers or coaches; I just did everything with a smile. People respected me for that, but they shouldn't have. Now I'm seeing how weak I was. I know it's not worth wondering what would be different if I had been the person I am now then, but it certainly crosses my mind sometimes. Would I have moved across the country to go to college? Would I have the same friends? Would I be more independent, or even a better writer?
***
I have two exams, tons of reading, and lots of Spanish homework to be doing, but all I can think about is this essay I'm working on about a bad memory from growing up. It takes over my mind and emotions. I don't like the power words can have over me sometimes. This blog entry is me compromising with myself by letting me write out some of the emotions without getting back into the intense essay that was enough to keep me tossing and turning at 2am even after taking Benodryl (which I am so glad I took, because it eventually took over and let me sleep).
Tossing and turning at night is horrifying for me. Even if it's only for a little bit, it is too similar to my nights of insomnia. It's a time where repressed thoughts gnaw at my stomach, a time when death feels near, a time when I can't escape my own mind.
This entry is not real enough, but I don't think I can dig any deeper when people read this. I used to be so determined to convey truth. I suppose I still am, when it comes to my real writing, but I just don't see the point in working so hard to put myself into words that people will skim, over-think, or blame themselves for. That all seems like a past life. I don't need to make people feel guilty for things they may or may not have done, even if I feel like some may deserve it. That sort of vindication is most definitely new. I think I'm experiencing some sort of rebirth. Is it an upgrade or a downgrade on the scale? I'm not so sure.
4 comments:
Scary how similar sleep is to death. So similar that death is called "the eternal sleep."
Anyways, I'm trying to figure out how to add your blog to mine (haha, we are yuppies)
Good one Aimee. :)
This is an excellent post Aimee. I really really enjoyed reading this.
I wish that we had more time to chat about life. I hate that there never seems to be enough time for things. :(
I am always fascinated when people talk about the past, and I think that is what I find so appealing about your post.
What fascinates me is that thought that everyone in life has a past.
It is like everyone has this pattern of their life, with all of these little strings that are made up to show just who thy are and “strings” of what has happened to take them to where they are during certain time periods in life. If one string unravels, it is as though the pattern has been broken. The string is incomplete and the pattern is unlike what it once was.
What is so appealing to me is that, everyone has their own pattern. Lets say their, “pattern of life” and people walk all around with all of these “strings” of their past, and they are never uncovered. This whole world is filled with people and everyone has their own pattern to their life and we walk around everyday without uncovering each persons pattern, Now, we do have certain people that we open ourselves up to and they see a better perspective of our pattern because they can understand just who we are and just what we did to get to certain places in life. But there are so many others that we do not know and do not see just what has happened in their past to get them to where they are at that moment. Past is such an incredible thing, because it exists between everyone, but there is so much of people that we do not ever see. People walk around and we never see just what type of life they have lived through up into that point and we never can look into what type of history they have.
I wish that their were more hours in a day to discuss this, but I would love to chat with you.
U let me know whenever you are free. J
Sorry about the writing, I am not as good as you are with expressing words. J
But, very excellent post.
Thanks, everyone. Tammy, I would love to talk about this kind of thing. It will have to be when I get back from Chicago, but let's definitely make time to chat about this :)
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