I work in one small town.

I got a new battery for my computer and replaced the CD drive. It is wonderful to have a fully functioning computer again. It's especially enjoyable if I accidently bump the chord and my whole computer doesn't shut down.

I am falling asleep. My night time meds are very powerful. Almost too powerful. I don't like how tired they make me. I feel like I'm not in control when I take them. I just fall asleep anywhere and everywhere. I usually don't go to bed until around 10:30, so I'm trying to make myself stay awake until then.

I've been coloring a lot lately. I like crayons. I am frustrated by unsharpened crayons, but I like the image and symbolism behind dull crayons. In fact, I'd like to find a place for dull crayons in a poem. Speaking of poems, I worked on/wrote anywhere from 2-5 poems. I was a hermit all weekend--in this sort of manic, "don't bother me--I'm writing" phase. Those instances are rare but rewarding, especially after such a long, frustrating type writer's block.

I would like to be writing a poem right now. I have an idea for the subject, emotions, and endings. I can't figure out how to start. I can't figure out the best way to articulate my feelings because they are so specific. It's hard to be passionate and creative when I'm having trouble keeping my eyes opened. I've been told by many people that I look stoned at night when my drugs are kicking in. It really is embarrassing if I don't know the people I am with very well. They will be talking and I just start dozing off in the middle.

Today at work, I was frustrated by a conversation some coworkers and I had about therapists. They asked about my brother's job. Then one young woman I work with said, "How do you get someone to go to therapy?" I said that if the person is an adult, you can't make them go. You can try to help them understand that therapy is healthy for anyone and everyone. People assume you need to be desperate, crazy, or overly-emotional or angry. I talked about how I would like to reduce the stigmas attached to mental health problems (not admitting my own struggles with them), and one of my coworkers talked about a family from her small town that went to family counseling. They talked about how much this family fought. Not only was I frustrated that they were judging this family for getting help, but I was frustrated that they could only give one example of one family. Are they really that sheltered from the harsh reality of mental health struggles? I wish I could talk to them each one-on-one and explain that I have struggles and still function okay. I think it would really blow their mind to know I have such severe depression because I make sure to be joyful for the children and polite to my coworkers every day. They think I'm extra "nice" or something like that. It feels like high school again where everyone has these expectations for me that I cannot live up to.

I really need to go. I am falling asleep. i am not rereading this because I can't even stay awake to hardly type this.