I want to start with a few of my favorite quotes from Anne Lamott's book "Traveling Mercies." The last quote is not hers, but she includes it in her book. I read the book a while ago and I read another book by her called Plan B. I wish I would have been smart enough to write down quotes that moved me from her Plan B book, because she is such a humble and honest woman of faith. I could learn so much about myself by expanding my thoughts on more of her quotes. I don't know why I waited until now to reflect on these quotes in writing. It is probably, because I have not had time to really reflect on faith like I should be.
"My coming to faith did not start with a leap but rather a series of staggers from what seemed like one safe place to another. Like lily pads, round and green, these places summoned and then held me up while I grew. Each prepared me for the next leaf on which I would land, and in this way I moved across the swamp of doubt and fear."
"The truth is that your spirits don't rise until you get way down. Maybe it's because this-the mud, the bottom- is where it all rises from. Maybe without it, whatever rises would fly off or evaporate before you could even be with it for a moment."
"Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue."
I just feel such a sense of peace when I read those quotes. The one thing I learned from April is that we all need people to make us feel like we are okay as we are, on our journies of faith. I feel like my spiritual trip is surrounded by fronts that people have. I don't think these fronts they have are intentional. I doubt they are even aware of the fact that it is a front, but I am just searching for something that feels real. Anne Lamott and April are two Christian people I have found that make me feel a real sense of faith. I know that there are plenty of great Christians out there. I just have unintentionally isolated myself from faith for too long to have picked up on them.
The second quote I included is exactly what I have been trying to write about. I wanted to creatively display that idea in my multi-genre project about faith. I wanted to show how I fight so hard for faith until I give up completely. It seems like when I hit that much despair that I have to give up on faith, then it just comes easy for me when I am not expecting it. You would think that I would catch on that things always get better right after I truly believe that they will never improve...I just never catch on though, and it always surprises me. I love that. It just makes me happy beyond belief when I can see the signs of faith thrown at me. It always happens in the most surprising and unexpected ways. I can think of a recent situation where I was at church feeling hopeless and this lady behind me that I did not even know gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek during the "peace time." She was wearing a sort of dressy poncho and she was really getting into the Bob Marley song, "Pass it On" when we were singing it. She reminded me of a hippie-sh sort of woman. It was amazing how that lifted my spirits. I have a million little stories like that, as I am sure everyone does. It just makes me realize how God truly is the glue for broken souls. Which, then ties into the third quote.
On a funnier, but appropriate note, I had a dream a week or two ago that I was throwing a temper tantrum and screaming "I don't believe in God," and then Jesus appeared to me in my Scooby Doo fruit snacks. I am being completely truthful that I dreamed that exactly like that. It was the weirdest thing.
Faith is so weird. It is one of the biggest daily challenges I face. I remember Anne Lamott made some quote about how faith is a constant battle and you have to find it everyday in her book, Plan B. She said she wakes up some days and is like "Do I really believe in God?" April also told me that everyone has those doubts. She is a youth minister and she said some days she wonders if she is teaching a joke. That is the beauty of faith, you just have to believe. Some days you don't, but you have to keep trying and pray that you will believe more days than you do not believe, and that you can be brave enough to recognize your human flaws of doubt and disbelief. It is hard; I am fighting like hell...but on the days when my search for belief is successful, then those are my most joyous beautiful days. Why would I not want to keep fighting for that?
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