Flashback

I talked to lisa gay today, formerly known as ms. eddy. We had a long discussion about my future. She said that I need to do a lot more research on different careers that involve working with spirituality, ideas, and kids. She says that from what she has seen, I am most excited and most alive when I am talking about different ideas about spirituality, or things like volunteering, or my trips to S. Dakota, or my job at the migrant schools. She said I have a lot of thinking to do, but not to rush into Physical Therapy, just because I think it is a stable career. I think she is right, because I found an old notebook of mine today while I was packing. I found the poem that I just published on here in it. I also found a journal entry from the beginning of the summer, that I am going to include an excerpt of.

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"I've had this huge rush of confidence after working with kids more, even this early in the summer. I have received many compliments about my ability to talk to kids, and I have just been thinking 'Why am I not working with kids in my career?' Then reality hits me, and I think, 'What the hell would I do with kids, besides teaching, that I could make money at?' If I want to make a difference in kids lives, then why don't I just get a stable job and adopt a bunch or something? I don't know anything about what I really want to do. I just know that I want to make a difference. Mother Theresa and Dorothy Day didn't worry about having money for retirement, so why does that kind of thing stress me out? I promise that I am not comparing myself to them, but all I really need is air, food, water, and people. Money is just numbers that makes me forget about what is really important. Of course, I desire the stability that money provides, but it cannot make me happy. Plus all we ALL really fear is pain, whether it be physical or emotional. The fear of pain is worse than the actual pain, because I heard on my podcast that there are only three types of pain, which are all tolerable. There's moderate pain-which we can handle, constant pain-which we get used to, and extreme pain-which is short lived. I have all of this energy to 'save the world,' but I can't even find the energy to get up and take a shower in this moment. I guess it comes down to the fact that reality always wins...but when it does, do we automatically lose? I don't think we always have to."

I can remember the excitement I had when I wrote that entry, talking about kids, new ideas, and helping people. I am excited for my trip to S. Dakota. I leave tomorrow. I hope to be awakened again, because I have just been getting by and having a good time all summer. I haven't really been taking time to reflect like I should, and that is something that helps me appreciate life more. I need to get back to doing that, because otherwise I just feel numb.