Climbing

I feel sick. I am not working yet and I am out of school. I think I must be the only person that can get stressed and wear myself out when I am not doing anything of importance. I think it is because I have been having so much time to think. Thinking is exhausting and I often wonder if I am masochistic with my thoughts in the sense that I like to let them go wherever they want compared with many people who try to ignore all of their bad feelings. I like to acknowledge my feelings and honor them for a minute. I can't always afford to do that during the school year, but whenever I have free time alone I love flirting with painful thoughts like a good girl that loves flirting with bad boys.

I've been feeling apathetic again and that worries me. I just don't care about anything really. I think I am just the kind of person that is never going to feel content. I think the people who tell me happiness is just a state of mind or a perspective are wrong, because I try so hard to put on that lens. Once in a while I am successful, but it is so hard for me. I don't think it is supposed to take as much energy as it does for me to feel happy.

I have been thinking about how everyone has their own story and the way people ignore that. It's like if we don't know a person's struggles then they don't exist. It makes me think of people that I have gotten to know after having seen them everyday for a while. I would think that I know them, but when I really get to know them and their struggles I would think back to when I would see them everyday. It would shock me that I never knew they were carrying all of this around with them. There's some quote about be understanding/nice to people, because they are fighting a battle you know nothing about. It might sound cheesy but it is so true.

I have been being an asshole a lot lately. I am so confused and vulnerable that I get hurt easily and I freak out when I feel hurt because I fear I am depressed again, so I lash out to the person that hurt me instead of letting them know they hurt me. I have been feeling discouraged with how hard everything has to be. Healing is ten times harder than I could have ever imagined. It is like I am climbing up a mountain, because I fell off the cliff. I get so tired sometimes that I am just tempted to fall again or just stop where I am forever. I am still climbing though