Breathing

I am very spiritually frustrated lately. I require more time and effort to attempt to center myself, but I am proud of the way that I am making time to do so. Instead of doing what other people want me to do I am taking care of my mental health. I learned the hard way what happens when you ignore it too much. I have found solace from just sitting outside and breathing mindfully. Attempts to pray are not helping, writing is not helping me as much as it used to, and I just don’t feel present and observant to my surroundings like I would like to be. The strange thing is, that everything else is going fine, if not good. I feel like even though the depression was most likely Biological, losing my faith may have sparked it. I had been fighting for years to believe and I grew exhausted and frustrated to the point where I stopped trying. Now that I am doing better I am looking for a type of spirituality/faith that works for me.

I don’t think I will ever be able to join one organized religion again, but I will always need people to talk about spirituality with. I need people that are open minded and confident enough in their beliefs to be open-minded and not push their beliefs on me. I love talking with my friend Adam. We have very different ideas of faith, but at the same time we have so much passion and common ground that we both feel more understood with one another than with many of the people who might claim our same religious “label.” I have many mentor figures in my life that I like to talk spirituality with. They come from many different denominations and belief systems. I really do not care what religious beliefs someone holds, but instead I judge them based on their actions and love. I can sense someone with a genuine sense of faith or spirituality from a mile away. They just glow with a love for life and every thing in it. Some may argue, “If someone believes racism is acceptable, but is nice to different races, then that is still wrong.” I agree. I think if they really believed that racism was okay, it would be clear that their friendliness was not genuine and/or they would probably talk about it even if only in the privacy of their own home. By them admitting to being racist, that would be an action that would be worth judging someone over. When it comes to belief in different religious views I think actions speak louder than anything else. The people that are preaching to everyone usually have a lot of their own issues they are denying, where someone who is doing good works out of love whether it be for a god or not are the people that really inspire me.

I don’t blog as frequently, because I spend all of my writing time working on pieces to take to the writers group I am in. We meet once a week and with work, friends, and trying to relax, I have to spend all of my writing time with a purpose. It is a great challenge and it keeps me motivated. I wish I always had something encouraging me to write so often for fun. I want to blog about a chapter of a book I just read. I wrote some quotes down, but I do not have time to really reflect on anything, because I have to find or write something to take to writers group tomorrow. I just keep breathing.