Growth

Today I found all three of my journals from trips to South Dakota. They are always short, because we stay so busy on the reservation. I am glad Jon makes us keep a journal while we are there, because I don’t know that I would have made time to write my first trip. It is so fascinating to see how I grew from trip to trip. The South Dakota trips were a huge part of my coming into my own identity. I don’t think that I would have been a different person if I had not gone, but I do think they helped me realize who I was at a faster rate. I am not claiming to know entirely who I am, and I don’t know that I ever will. I had a conversation with a friend of mine in her mid twenties up at school, and when I told her I still had a hard time understanding who I am she said, “I’m twenty-five and I still struggle with that.” We began reflecting on self-awareness, and I don’t know that there is ever a stopping point. It coexists with growth, because it never stops completely.

I think the South Dakota trips helped me push aside any feelings I felt of depression, because they would jump-start my spirit again. Even as I reflect on them now I can’t help but feel some of the power they made me feel. If it were not for the South Dakota trips, then I probably wouldn’t have became friends with Drew, which means I probably wouldn’t have ran cross country. I would have never met April, who has influenced my life in too many ways to mention. If I didn’t meet April, then I would not be friends with Adam. Adam is my first peer that understands and encourages my spirituality, and I have needed someone my own age to do that for so long. If I had not gone to South Dakota, then I would not have met Ryan who is extremely supportive of my writing and is always someone I can message about a new book or spiritual idea. If I would not have gone to South Dakota, then I don’t think I would like Jon or even think about keeping in touch with him. I am thankful for all of these relationships and my life would be very different without them.

I am going to include some excerpts from the three journals. A lot changed from journal to journal, but I also noticed I had many of the same struggles and feelings throughout them. I also noticed plenty of symptoms of depression that I didn’t recognize then.

August 12-18, 2004 (TRIP #1)
8-13: Night Prayer
“I noticed when I met individuals [on the reservation] they would look down as if to shake my hand, but they would not make the first move. It was almost like they didn’t want to be rejected. When they saw me extend my hand they would always smile. It made me feel honored to meet them.”

Here is a poem I wrote at Wounded Knee. I was only 16 (and it shows). I like the last two lines though and it is enough for me to remember what I felt and where I was.

I am sitting above people superior to me.
It’s not fair the way things happen.
They were so proud, strong, wise, and young.
The wind touches my cheek like it is comforting me.
I listen carefully, hoping for advice.
I can feel the presence of their spirits.
It makes me realize the lack of mine.
8-20-04
“It is hard to explain how I feel regarding this trip. I felt so uncomfortable and stepped so far out of my comfort zone. I think that helped me grow yet it separated me from my friends here. It makes me feel alone.”

March 29-April 3, 2005 (Trip #2)
3-30
“I have mixed emotions right now. I really don’t want to be pessimistic, but I do not feel like I am making a difference at all. I see so many teenagers that seem to be in defense mode against us. That is improving, but we are not here enough to help them face everything they struggle with or for them to relate to us…Everyone here has such different motives. I know we all want to help, but I can’t help but wonder, are we all selfish? I know we are not better than any of the people we are helping yet they suffer so much. It makes me feel very guilty.”
4-1
“Experiencing nature by hearing the wind on the rocks, the birds all around, and just inhaling the pure, fresh air was nice. It felt very spiritually cleansing, although I still do not feel the spiritual strength I am hoping to accomplish. I pray that tomorrow will go well and I will become stronger in my faith.”

August 1-7, 2006 (Trip #3)
8-2
“I am once again struggling with my faith. I am sitting in the exact same room where I was writing about fighting for my faith two years ago. A tremendous amount has changed, but I am still struggling in the same way. This time I can communicate my struggles better, though.”
8-3 (At Wounded Knee)
“I am at the left foot of Lost Bird’s grave. The breeze is hitting my left cheek, as well as my back. I feel numb to all of this. I don’t feel happy, but I don’t really feel sad like I have in the past. Sue is playing her flute and it is calming. I am thinking about Mimi, and I don’t feel fully present in the moment. I feel like I need to breathe to take it all in. The wind is blowing dust in my eye and I keep getting lost in my selfishness. Life is tragic. When I look at someone’s gravesite I like to imagine what their life was like when they were happy. I often wonder what made them laugh. When I look out at the hills I feel unreal. It’s like I don’t exist. I think that is what death will feel like. It’s not a bad feeling. I kind of like it.”
8-6 (Closing Night Prayer)
“This week I was reminded what it feels like to be alive. I was so numb and almost in a state of weird depression. I came to understand that I can be articulate and strong. I was also reminded of my spiritual doubt and trust issues…I forgot what it feels like to be in an environment where people really do care about my spirituality…I was reminded that I do need people, but I can stand alone.”