Baby, When the Lights Go Out

I did not have classes today, because the whole campus was still out of power from the storm we had last night. I was surprised that the storm caused a tornado warning in the middle of January. Toward the end of the storm lightning hit somewhere and put the whole campus out. It was such a strange day today, because it was hard to enjoy the day off of classes. It was raining outside. There was no computer, TV, or lights. It was so gray out that it was hard to read comfortably. I had to sit on the floor right by the window to see the words. Our cafeteria was closed. It did open for a simple lunch in the dark. It was frustrating to not be able to read or write, but the time went pretty fast and it was nice to have an excuse to lie in bed all day. I have major sinus problems going on, and I think some sleep was helpful. I did do a little reading for some classes. It will be strange to attend classes for a second time tomorrow, which involves homework, when I haven't even attended my Tuesday/Thursday classes once to receive a syllabus--WEIRD.

I wanted to blog last night before the storm, but I can't remember why. Classes went really well. My yoga class seems like it could really help me feel healthier all-around. Just from one class, I realized how tense I am all of the time. I don't seem to know the meaning of relax. My instructor is great. He is such a stereotypical yoga instructor--the kind that would be in a Will Ferrell movie. He has a gentle voice and is very flexible. His hair is long and he has a beard. In his peaceful voice he said, "You guys should do the reading for this class, but if you're not going to do the reading, will you please, look at the pictures?" I will receive my own yoga mat and blanket on Monday. I'm kind of excited.

I am most excited about my writing class. It makes me nervous how excited I am, because I don't want to be let down. My professor seems great. She is my advisor for my major so she knew who I was coming in to class, which was nice. It's a small class. Not more than thirty. I hope that means I get a lot of help and can excel. When she walked in the room, before she introduced herself she wrote a quick assignment on the board. We had to write a half page about ourselves and our goals for writing in a short time. I of course, over-thought everything. I kept thinking, "Natalie Goldberg says never let the pen stop in free writes," so I would try to write continuously even if it was crap. Then I also was thinking, "What if this is much simpler than I am making it, and she reads this and is like, 'she can't even stay on topic'." There is just so much freedom with creative writing. I'm sure the half page introductions are nothing. They will just show her our personalities a bit. I almost wrote in there that I was over thinking the exercise and that is a part of my personality to over think things. I didn't have time, though. I am nervous in that class, because I want her to like me and my writing so desperately. I used to feel the same way around ms. eddy. I think I get nervous, because I see how much these people can teach me if I play my cards right. I worry that I won't take advantage of their knowledge. I would say I did okay with ms. eddy, since she still likes my writing and my company. That helps give me confidence to show my work to my new professor. I have a huge advantage over anyone in the class between my Ind. Study course with ms. eddy, work shopping in there with Dallas, and then writers group this past summer. My instructor has some rules for writing from Natalie Goldberg on our syllabus. I love Natalie Goldberg and was excited to hear her referenced. When we did verbal introductions to the class, we had to say what we read over break. I said, "I read some of Anne Lamott's fiction, and I just started her book 'Bird by Bird;, about writing." My professor knew right what I was talking about, and said that book is great for our class. She then said that she is going to have a lot of office hours this semester, because the University is giving her time to finish her memoir. I think that is so exciting. I would love to ask her all about it. I'm excited that she is my advisor. If this class goes well and I decide I do want to pursue creative non-fiction, then I will get to take independent studies with her. I want so badly to get an A in the class that it makes me nervous to turn writing in, and makes the critical voice that writers deal with ten times worse. In "Bird by Bird" Anne Lamott talks about how critical voice and perfectionism try to keep people from writing. Here is an excerpt from the chapter "Perfectionism" in the book:

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft [the prior chapter talks about the importance of shitty first drafts]. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it."

I have noticed I have trouble finishing writing projects. I am great at fixing up second and third drafts, but once people want me to keep changing stuff I usually forget about it. I guess, I go back to it sometimes. This class is going to have to teach me much more discipline. I have been having trouble writing today, but that is why I'm blogging now and why I didn't blog over break.

When my writing is going well I don't blog, because it takes too much energy away from my actual writing. One of Natalie Goldberg's rules on my syllabus is that we should write ten minutes before we begin a real writing project, like a warm up. If that is true I might start blogging more regularly, because I like to use my blog to journal and ramble, and it isn't until the end that I see what issue was most important to me. I always spend more time talking about one thing than the rest, and I don't plan it. That makes for a good writing warm-up, although I don't know that it makes for a good read.