Another Entry I'm too Tired to Proof Read

My computer has been in and out of the Apple Repair shop three different times. I did not blog during all of this, and that is why.

I am taking a lot of things in--learning to feel again. It can be very positive or incredibly painful. The way my spirit can die and be reborn intrigues and amazes me. I am so different from the person I was 6 months ago. My priorities, my beliefs, me friendships, my ideas about relationships, and my poetry are all changed.

I am less anxious since everything I have been through. I think hitting the bottom helped me realize that I can still push off of it to surface and breathe--makes it seem less scary. My anxiety is still very real, but it is less paralyzing. A good example is when I drove to Ann Arbor last week. I am still too anxious to drive downtown, and I was a little anxious driving to the mall. Once I did it, I was so proud of myself and confident. I bought myself a shirt as a reward, and I was able to talk myself out of the guilt I felt for spending money I don't have.

I'm eating Sun Chips right now, and I wonder why I can't lose the ten pounds my meds caused me to gain. Today my mom bought me new bras and pants because I am too big for all of them. It's nice to have pants that fit, but it was discouraging to try on a pair that was still too tight in the thighs. It made me want to cry, because I can't find bras or jeans that fit right because my body has changed so much. I have been doing a really great job at sticking with working out. My arms are stronger than they have been since High School. I haven't seen as much results with the cardio workouts I do, but I am amazed at how fast we can improve at lifting. Seeing such quick and drastic results from lifting weights with my arms, has given me concrete evidence of my health improving. Sometimes it is easy for me to think I am still sick as ever, but thinking about how much stronger I am, both physically and mentally, keeps me from relapsing because I realize what a long way I have come.

I am off for the evening. I have a busy day tomorrow: ride bike to work out, bike home, shower, make Ashley a card for her nun party, do hair/make up, get dressed up, and attend mass where she makes her vows, eat dinner there, party with the nuns, and before I know it, it will be night time :)